To expect SS to walk to school?

[Avenue88]

My oldest SS (will be 14 in august) is here every other weekend and at least 1 night a week, sometimes more depending on what he’s doing with friends etc - all fine, very amicable between mum/dad.

DH works shifts and job is very inflexible. As I work from home I’ve been taking SS to school on the days he’s stayed here overnight.

A few times I’ve had an early meeting that I need to attend or need to go into the office so have told SS he would need to walk to school. We live in a largish town, the walk would be about 35 minutes all through residential streets and a park, no busy roads. SS has always refused to walk (even though all of his friends walk…), ends up sulking and goes back to his mums before bed so that he can have a lift. I’ve offered to drop him in very early before the meetings but he refuses that as well…

I’m due my first baby in early September. I’m likely going to need a c-section so won’t be driving for several weeks, besides dealing with a newborn.

Is it reasonable to expect a 14 year old (no SEN) to walk 35 minutes to school in a safe town?? He could meet friends along the way so wouldn’t be completely alone. Mentioned my concerns to DH and he seems to think I’ll be fine to start taking him again a few weeks after baby is here… I’m feeling really anxious about it. If it was my own son I would expect him to walk, I’ve only been driving him as he won’t stay here during the week otherwise and my DH would miss out on time with him, I also don’t want him to feel unwelcome or pushed out with the baby.

Thank you for everyone’s opinions. I’ve suggested he take his bike or get the bus but doesn’t want to do that either. If his mum can’t drive him to school for any reason he gets a lift from his grandparents.

By sulking I mean if I can’t take him to school on a Wednesday morning, he’ll go back to mum on Tuesday evening and won’t come for dinner on Wednesday evening as planned (even if not planning to sleep over Wednesday night). Which then makes me feel guilty…

DH hasn’t really forced the issue, just said he assumed things would continue after c-section recovery. I’m just thinking long term, I don’t know how the baby will be travelling (my nephew used to cry until he was sick in the car) so I don’t fancy dealing with that several times a week, when a perfectly able bodied 14 year old can get themself to school.

Mum has also complained in the past that she can’t plan anything for her midweek “night off” as he might want to come back for a lift.

Walk or bus.

The exercise will do him good.

Well the parents should stop entertaining this nonsense. DM could tell him if he comes back on the Tuesday evening he won't be getting a lift there, so it's not worth his bother.
No reason why a 14 year old can't get the bus - I can see not wanting to walk 35 mins as walking is boring to some teens.

Also sounds like he is babied a bit. Even if he does come back to DMs, no reason why a 14 year old can't be left alone for a few hours in the evening.

Mum has also complained in the past that she can’t plan anything for her midweek “night off” as he might want to come back for a lift

Then everyone needs to sing off the same hymnsheet

So bike or bus is an option?

honestly it sounds like he needs to grow up a bit.

you (or pref your dh) need to explain to him that from next term unfortunately you’ll no longer be able to give him a lift to school, period. His mum needs to let him grow up a bit too, if he prefers to go back to his mums house on a Tuesday so be it but ridiculous that she can’t go out in case a 14 year old comes back! He needs a bit of tough love, and a key.

I’d just step out of this.

Tell DH that sch run will stop, if DSS speaks to you about it redirect him to DH.

I also wouldn’t be discussing how you feel/won’t feel post section, point blank - you will not be doing it, you won’t want to when it’s cold, baby has been up all night/sick etc.

It’s really not your problem so don’t make it so.

'Mum has also complained in the past that she can’t plan anything for her midweek “night off” as he might want to come back for a lift.'

Sounds like everyone needs to get on the same page. It's not suiting anyone but the lazy 14 year old.

He needs to be told he'll be walking and no lifts home to his mums to avoid that.

That's her problem. If him coming back to her instead of staying at his dad's just so he can get a lift then she needs to have a word with him, not put the blame onto you.

Tbf to the op it’s very easy for her to be made out to be the “bad person” here from the ss pov as the only one who won’t give the boy a lift. Staggered that when his mum can’t the grandparents do!

the dh needs to step up and tell the child how it is. My 14 yo self would have preferred a lift every day if I thought I could get away with it! But I did eventually learn that the world didn’t revolve around me.

I think it's unfair to put this on the SS. The question should really be, 'AIBU to tell DH to sort out his son's transport to school?' The answer would then be 'of course you aren't'.

Why? It's perfectly normal for a child of that age not to have transport to school.

That's not OP's decision to make. It's for his parents to decide. Return the problem to the people who are responsible.

Fingers crossed when dh see you raising your dc practically alone (as he will be Taxi for ss) he will man the fuck up and start parenting his pfb also. Even my ASD 14yo can manage to get from A to B alone...
Stand back op. Let them baby their teenager. You don't need to pander also.

My 11 year old manages a 15-20 minute walk to the bus stop and then 40 minutes on the bus.

Unless there are issues with bullies at play, a 14 year old should be able to manage the walk.

Bollocks to getting up with a baby and dragging it out in the car each morning no matter the weather because of a 14 year olds laziness. Tell DH you won't be doing it full stop even when you're recovered from the section and if XW is pissed off with her plans being disrupted she needs to stop driving him to school too.

For Gods sake of course a 14 year old can walk to school 🙄 mines walking now at 10. Has to cross a main road too. Knock it on the head now, you will have enough school runs to do with your little one. It's a long slog lol. No more lifts and certainly not with a newborn after a c-section! If your DH gets shitty then he isnt a nice man amd needs to rearrange his work hours. 14 years old and won't walk to school, tragic.

Mum has also complained in the past that she can’t plan anything for her midweek “night off” as he might want to come back for a lift.

Also, were you involved in this child's conception? How is this your problem? If the child's parents want him driven to school then one of them needs to drive him.

Your SS absolutely can walk to school. If he doesn’t want to then that’s up to him but it’s not your problem to solve. Next time he asks you to get him a drink or snack, just reply with no, ‘I don’t want to.’ He’ll soon learn and tbh it’s not your job to transport him to school. If his parents want to then that’s up to them but it’s really not your job.

Is your SS going to be participating in DofE soon? He seems about the right age for it.

If so, then it's good for him to be doing practice walks carrying a backpack, can you focus on that? I.E. "you've got your DofE expedition coming up in X month, you need to start doing some more walking with a backpack, so walking to school is a really good way to get some practice in; you don't want to be the slowest boy on your team who is holding everyone else up."

But your DP is being ridiculous to think you can drive shortly after a c-section; does he realise it's major abdominal surgery and how much help he's going to have to give you post-birth?

Which then makes me feel guilty…
this is the underlying problem, you should not be feeling guilty, the fact that you do makes it easy for other people to control you for thier benefit.
You should be focusing on your own wellbeing, can you say why you feel guilty over something that isnt your problem?

he seems to think I’ll be fine to start taking him again a few weeks after baby is here

Oh does he? I'd be telling him he can sod off. No way I'd be getting myself up to drive a 14 year old kid that doesn't even belong to me to school. Doubly so when I'd not long had a baby.

He wants him to be driven so badly he can do it himself or accept his son will sleep at his mums instead.

I disagree. He's 14. He should be told whether he's walking or not, not just he allowed to mess everyone else around because he refuses to.

Then his mum needs to tell him to stop being a lazy little bugger then doesn't she. Sounds like everyone is just indulging him and not standing up to him.

You don't want to be getting up on your maternity leave to take a 14 year old to school.

Unless he's got a disability or illness that means he can't then he can walk.

Is he being bullied perhaps and worried he'll be a victim of knife crime?