To expect SS to walk to school?

[Avenue88]

My oldest SS (will be 14 in august) is here every other weekend and at least 1 night a week, sometimes more depending on what he’s doing with friends etc - all fine, very amicable between mum/dad.

DH works shifts and job is very inflexible. As I work from home I’ve been taking SS to school on the days he’s stayed here overnight.

A few times I’ve had an early meeting that I need to attend or need to go into the office so have told SS he would need to walk to school. We live in a largish town, the walk would be about 35 minutes all through residential streets and a park, no busy roads. SS has always refused to walk (even though all of his friends walk…), ends up sulking and goes back to his mums before bed so that he can have a lift. I’ve offered to drop him in very early before the meetings but he refuses that as well…

I’m due my first baby in early September. I’m likely going to need a c-section so won’t be driving for several weeks, besides dealing with a newborn.

Is it reasonable to expect a 14 year old (no SEN) to walk 35 minutes to school in a safe town?? He could meet friends along the way so wouldn’t be completely alone. Mentioned my concerns to DH and he seems to think I’ll be fine to start taking him again a few weeks after baby is here… I’m feeling really anxious about it. If it was my own son I would expect him to walk, I’ve only been driving him as he won’t stay here during the week otherwise and my DH would miss out on time with him, I also don’t want him to feel unwelcome or pushed out with the baby.

She also says she’s anxious and he “seems to think” it’ll be fine to continue which suggests she hasn’t actually told him she doesn’t want to, just said she won’t be able to for a few weeks after the birth.

I'd not take him out in any day, he's old enough and fit enough to walk

YANBU

My autistic DD (14) walks 40 mins to and from school everyday.

Of course he could walk. But that's a conversation his father should be having with him, not you.
Also, don't underestimate the complexity of feelings one has as a stepchild. They're confusing and often irrational. There's a new baby coming into the mix and sounds like his DM has a new partner with children too. How much time is your DH putting into reassuring his DS that he is loved and not being pushed out by a new baby? (I'm not saying that's the case but it's quite possibly how a 14 year old might see it).

You need to tell dh that you will not be doing any drop/collects from September and he needs to discuss this with his ds as to how the new arrangement will look.

No DH, I will NOT be driving for for least SIX weeks after my major abdominal surgery!! And repeat.

How far away is Mom? Can he not be dropped off at Mom's on the morning on your early meeting days?

I think DH needs to be telling DS'S now that due to you having serious surgery for the baby, you won't be able to drive at all for a bit, so it doesn't suddenly manifest alongside his new baby sister.

I’ve only been driving him as he won’t stay here during the week otherwise and my DH would miss out on time with him, I also don’t want him to feel unwelcome or pushed out with the baby
You should stop being so compliant and obedient, your husband should be the one who is doing the work to maintain the relationship between himself and his son, your husband is turning into a bastard who is exploitng the weakness and vulnerability of his pregnant partner.

No you're not unreasonable at all, it sounds almost like an ultimatum - a lift to school or he won't stay over. It's not fair to put that on you at all.

I think maybe chat to your DH and say you won't be doing it from now on, SS can walk and if DH won't accept this then he needs to sort out arrangements himself as it's not your responsibility.

Agree it should stop now, as opposed to when baby arrives but I'm not sure why OP would have to then do the driving after this 6 week period? Surely it's SS's Dad's responsibility entirely, not OP's.

Yanbu. Our high school is a similar distance away. My sons aren’t there yet but when they go, although they will be mostly be going by bus, on occasion they will be expected to walk (or possibly cycle depending on how sensible) they are on the bike at that point.

assume bike or bus not options?

Its not your problem. He's 14 not 4.
Send him back to his mother

Lazy little tike!
Make him walk.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Can he get a bus? Does he have a bike? Will you drive him or pay for an Uber if the weather is really bad? Does he have a suitable coat / shoes?

35 minutes’ walk is perfectly doable in good weather but I wouldn’t fancy sitting in sodden clothes all day.

The time to have said no to this was when he started secondary school, not when he’s in year 9 though! It’s not sustainable now as when you finish maternity, you’ll presumably have to drive the baby to childcare anyway?

Yanbu. My 12 year old DS walks half an hour to school there and back every day. Also a safe area. So I can’t understand why a 14 year old can’t.

It doesn’t surprise me that your DH is telling you to do it. It’s SO predictable in these step situations. Just a typical thoughtless CF husband who thinks his wife should do everything he and his kids want.

This. He’s being lazy

I had a c section a few months ago and wasn’t driving a few weeks later

He's clearly just being lazy. I think you need to take a step back from this and let his parents deal with it. If that means his dad misses out on time with his DS then so be it. Maybe it'll force him into having a conversation about not being a lazy little shit. Even if you can drive him don't. You're just enabling his laziness and I guarantee he's not even grateful for the lifts and your DH is just taking advantage of you.

My dad worked shifts and my mum doesn't drive and my brother's and I walked to school much younger than you DSS come rain or shine.

"Not wanting to" isn't really a good enough reason. I don't want to go to work some days but that's not how life works. How is he going to cope when he has a job if mummy and daddy aren't available to drive him around everywhere?

Do people really book their children Ubers when it rains rather than just buy them an umbrella and let them crack on?

He’s 14 of course he is lazy and moody. He’ll grow out of it and if he doesn’t want to walk then he will stay at his mums. He’s old enough to make the decision himself. Leave it up to him I’d say and enjoy the last few months of your pregnancy

He is 14 and has choices, if he is reasonably active perhaps he is just adverse to walking in the morning?

You can't force a 14 year old to walk if he has the option of getting a lift. As long as everything is clearly explained - i.e. look the driving is stopping on x date, by all means you are welcome. Then I see no problem, in my experience communication to the teen is key.

He may reduce staying anyway with a "noisy" baby in the home anyway - mine did when my ex had his subsequent children. Most of us would prefer to not be around a loud little creature as adorable as they can be. Hope everything goes well with the little one.

Of course he should walk. He sounds quite entitled, as does your DH informing you when you'll be fine to resume chauffeuring his son. I'd be stopping lifts immediately and telling DH he'll need to make other arrangements.

I agree, like father like son!
I think you should just drop this rope other people will then have to pick it up, stop seeing this as your problem.

I think this is a non-issue. I wouldn't assume he's "sulking" when you can't give him a lift, he's just making the decision which is easiest for him (not all that uncommon in teenagers!) and he knows his mum is driving to the school anyway. I can imagine it might build some resentment if his mum drives his stepsister while he's having to walk.

You won't be able to drive immediately post C-section. It might be very inconvenient for several weeks/months tbh (often a young baby will keep you up all night, then do an amazing sleep from 5.30-9am, and you would very much not want to have to wake them/yourself up to drive to school!) He might therefore choose to sleep at his mum's more often. Just make sure to be nice to him when is around!

Tell both it is stopping as soon as the term ends and new provisions need to made for September

Tell. Don't ask.

If it means DH sees less then it's for DH to solve not you to be burdened either with driving post surgery or the guilt trip.

My dd started yr7 last Sept, youngest in the year so just turned 11. She has walked everyday the 45 mins to school and back again. If it's raining she takes a brolly.
Your SS is just being lazy and expects a lift. I'd speak with your husband and tell him you won't be doing it any longer. It's not on you OP I'd say the same if he was your own son also. A half hour walk to school isn't torture.

Stop the lifts now on the basis of him being old enough to get himself to school.

Don't wait until the baby arrives.

Absolute nonsense for a 14 year old to demand lifts to avoid a 35 minute walk. Getting a baby packed and in the car, waiting for a slouchy teen to wander in, driving there and back will eat up at least 30 minutes of your one life.

Why is this teen's time more valuable than yours?

DH is being a cheeky fucker expecting you to do this, and he's teaching his sons that women's time is less valuable and at their disposal.