Please some help or advice

[Misste]

I met my bf in December 2017, I knew he had 3 children to two different women but he only saw the oldest one who was then 8.. great kid and she often stayed with us at my home.. fast forward to march 2019 and social services contact him because the two other children’s mother wasn’t capable of looking after them anymore these are 2 and 4 years old… i said I would stand by him & help him with whatever was needed. We set up home together & the kids came to live with us in august 2019 and have lived with us since by the way I do not have any parental rights over these two children.. they were dropped with us on a Saturday and my bf went back to work on the Monday FULL TIME ..leaving the kids with me from then. I had my child in 2020 and we got on with life… the other morning while eating breakfast his oldest daughter who lives with us who’s now 8 said that her grandparents said “she does nothing for those kids”… ok so, for four years I’ve took them to school, picked them up from school, made sure they were clean and tidy, got them dressed, wiped away tears because real mother didn’t care, been abroad, all the “normal things” families do.. my family have welcomed them with open arms, they buy gifts and give cuddles when needed!.. I’ve saw a lot of their “firsts” apparently I’m not “doing enough” for two children who aren’t mine… please don’t reply being mean, I’m already at my lowest point because of all this toxicity and horrible things that have been said about me, but what more can I do 😞 I feel like a huge failure 😨 the youngest of his children suffers with mental health issues and childhood trauma along with adhd, she can be very difficult at times & I’ve had 100s of meetings with the school who are now trying to push for a special ed school! I fought for her, for all the help she needs! I really have done my best, but his family feel I haven’t done enough… for his kids & their grandkids

@excelledyourself @Reugny @Mumof4plusbonus @neilyoungismyhero thank you everyone. Yes I will be slagged off, it seems like it’s always been that way too. They don’t see their own mam, she hasn’t bothered with them for over a year now and they do ask me questions why… they aren’t allowed to talk about real mam when dads there, some sort of jealously thing that they love her more than him!.. I wish I was confident enough to stand up for myself but over the last 4 years I’ve lost a lot of confidence and I hate confrontation!… they expect me to be able to take them out every single weekend when dad is doing extra work or fiddle jobs… they do sleep at grandparents house sometimes but my little one doesn’t. It’s nice to get some time with him on my own! I feel awful for posting all of this but I wanted real opinions from real people. I am too soft and just do as im told.

Good heavens, Op, you are an Angel and they are crapweasels!

God, op, what possessed you to stay with this shite man and raise his dc for him in your flat when he couldn't be arsed to see his own dc??

He should be worshipping at your feet, not allowing his dickhead parents to criticise you.

I'd dump him. If he can't support you now, what's the point of him?

@SheilaFentimanthank you!
@piedbeauty I don’t know… I stayed, then kinda got trapped, but I do love his children, just the same way I love my own. I’m only 30, life hasn’t been easy these past 4 years and I keep getting up everyday and fighting these battles! I do feel used. I don’t get any special treatment, far from it… would be lovely to even get a bunch of flowers or a cup of tea made, never happens… I have only two choices, put up and shut up or find my own place & leave with my 2 year old…. Which will take a while, Money wise. X

Start making plans OP.

You are a very nice person that is being used as a skivvy aupair.

Ask your family for help.

Pack your bags.

Apply for other accommodation.

In the interim, stop being available to be skivvy.

This is your life unless you start standing up for yourself.

He's just a loser father using you.

Don't waste your life being some mans skivvy.

@billy1966 im getting my s**t together, I’ve applied to be put onto the housing list, I wouldn’t be able to afford private housing on my own! The more people are telling me to pack up & leave the more courage I seem to get. I think it would be a big relief 🥲 my auntie has a property available in 3 months time when her tenants leave so that’s always an option too. It’s crazy how many people have been so kind & understanding! X

What a shit parent he is. And a shit partner.

Well done for taking steps to leave. He is taking the piss and you are so lovely. He knows you wouldn't say no, and will be in for a big shock.
Fingers crossed for you!

Which grandparents said it? Your partners parents or the biological mothers parents?

I would discuss with your partner and tell him you need reassurance that he appreciates you and your mothering xx

Actually sorry I just read the rest of your responses- it sounds like a really difficult situation for you. It's totally ok for you to leave. Perhaps you should discuss what would happen if with a social worker first xx

Well done.

So you have a definite place in 3 months time at least.

Fantastic news.

Now tell your family and friends the truth.

Ask for support from family and friends.

Tell the truth.

See if you can go and stay with family asap for some headspace.

Expect him to be upset at you not being around to skivvy for HIS children.

But this is NOT your problem.

Let HIM solve it.

Tell him you need a break.

Take anything of real importance.

This is your opportunity to change your life.

Keep posting.

We are here for you.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum hi, social workers are no longer available for his kids anymore, they just dropped them on us and away they went… we were promised help from the start, I gave up my career so he could stay in his job, i became the default parent to his children, overnight. My biggest wish is to be alone in my own place with my own child. I’ve done my bit, played my part for the 4 difficult years that they’ve been… and I think his parents saying that about me was the final straw. Xx
@billy1966 my parents are going away next week so they’ve offered me their house for a week and more time if I want. I can’t wait. Wonder who will be doing the school run, ironing uniforms, doing hair, making breakfasts & dinners. I think I’m going to sound like a bitch here but I want him to see how much I do and I want to see how quick he’s going to struggle, not that I think it would make any difference now after all those years if I did try & stay permanently. Im so glad I’ve posted on here, I feel I have an army behind me & it’s so nice to be complimented rather than it’s not enough! Couldn’t thank you all enough x

think I’m going to sound like a bitch here but I want him to see how much I do and I want to see how quick he’s going to struggle, not that I think it would make any difference now after all those years if I did try & stay permanently.
I don't think you're a bitch for feeling this way. I wanted so much for stbxh to understand, he don't though and your partner won't, if he was capable of being otherwise he wouldn't be treating you this way. I was in hospital for a week and stbxh went straight back to normal as soon as I got out. No doubt he'll find it hard without you, but he'll probably blame you for that, I expect he'll try to make you feel guilty about the DC and how you're treating him. I'd be prepared for him to be really nasty about this.

I think it would be worth speaking to his children's school, for a couple reasons, so they know not to call you but also to tell them he might struggle with the DC so they can keep an eye on things and get SS involved if he ends up being useless with them. Then you also know they'll be someone looking out for them and if he starts going on about how you've left them you can know in your own mind that there and adults looking out for them and dismiss his concerns.

For some people no one is good enough for their child and can never do enough.

His parents are the problem.

Do you love your partner? I bet you love all the kids too.

Take the time at your parent's house to think about what happens next.

Wtf does the actual dad do? Why on Earth are you parenting them, doing everything whilst your partner does fuck all?

Fantastic news.

While you are at your parents, start looking at returning to work asap.

That you gave up a career for a boyfriends children is unbelievable.

Would you want a daughter of yours to do this?

Get your important bits together before you tell him.

Expect him to be very very nasty when you tell him.

Users like him do not like when their skivvy aupairs withdraw services.

Fill your car with your stuff.

Do a run to your parents while he isn't around.

Well done.

Thank god your family are supportive of you.

If you can avoid returning do.

Bring your childs favourite toys, blankets and bits.

Excellent suggestion to contact the school and fill them in.

Your relationship is over and the school need to know to keep a look out for the children.

Let the grandparents step in to do the "nothing" you were doing.

You will be well out of this thankless situation.

Their father and grandparents can step up if it is all so easy.

Op he is using you as an unpaid au pair. You are not even married. This puts you in a terrible position. You deserve more than this. He doesn’t even have the decency to treat you amazingly for everything that you do. You should leave. He will probably beg you to stay, use the kids to emotionally blackmail you and promises he will change. He wants you to support his lifestyle and parent his kids to your disadvantage. I hope you choose to leave.

Also OP.

You have unbelievably given up your career and pension contributions for a man you are not married to.

Who could throw you and your child out on the street at ANY time.

It is so hard to overstate the absolute ridiculousness of this.

You are beyond vulnerable.

You need to restart your career asap, to secure a future for your child.

Please do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you build boundaries and assertiveness so that your decision making is dramatically improved, and you NEVER volunteer yourself for such a thankless self defeating task again.

@EliflurtleTripanInfinite hi, I’ve spoken to the school today, they are fully aware that our relationship is done now and are willing to keep an eye. They also had some good news for me and now his youngest child has got a space at a special ed school, I’ve fought for 3+ years for her & it’s finally paid off. So my “not enough” definitely done something good. X

@sashh yes his parents are most definitely a big problem, I do love him but I don’t love the way our lives have turned out. I’m unable to have anymore children because another one would just add to the stress for me… I will miss his children but I can’t go on like this anymore. It’s degrading and I feel so unappreciated. X

@AngelAurora … the only good thing he does is work, but doesn’t seem to want to work for us or his children, because if the shoe was on the other foot I’d be overly joyed to have a person who stood by me & done everything possible for my kids. When I say this to him, he doesn’t get it, he twists it & says no one’s asked you to help.. & that’s the thanks I get.

@billy1966 yeah and that was pushed by social workers - for me to leave my job and do the parenting so he could be out there earning, it’s quite an old fashioned way of things because these days there’s 100s of stay at home dads. My parents have their own company and have offered me some administrative work which I can do from my parents house which is great! I really do have the best family & if his family were anything like mine im sure we would’ve had a long loving relationship where no one was slagged off or not good enough!
ill definitely have a look into that programme, thank you. I know I’m vulnerable, and the older I get the more I realise I’ve just been a convenience to him over the last 4 years. I’m tired now. My baby deserves mammy at her best, not stressed and feeling down.. I really do appreciate all the help and advice from you. X

@Wishitsnows and he wonders why I won’t marry into this craziness! That’s one thing I’m not stupid enough to do, I don’t want to have parental rights, although I do love his children. I don’t want to be part of the family who slag me off to high heavens. I am worth much more & I will never in a million years, land myself in a position like I’m in now x

Have you actually told him you're leaving @Misste?

So glad you have started making plans

Expect Social Services to be upset at you not being around to skivvy for HIS children.

yeah and that was pushed by social workers - for me to leave my job and do the parenting so he could be out there earning

Well colour me surprised at Social Services seeing the nearest available vagina as the solution 🙄

@JenniferBooth is correct witj both those statements.

You owe SS nothing.

You owe him nothing.

I am really so delighted you are removing yourself from this situation and giving your baby the chance of your full focus and energy.

Thank god you didn't marry him as it will make things clean.

Your family sound wonderful.

Good family make all the difference when it comes to getting away from a situation like this.

When are you planning on telling him?

Please make sure you have removed anything of value.

He could be very nasty so be ready.

Well done for making plans and organising getting back to work soon.

You should be so proud of yourself.

The www.freedomprogramme.co.uk will be very good for you.

My goodness this thread is awful, you are a warrior @Misste ! If you are still on here and reading, I hope you are on your way to leaving. You and your little one will thrive away from all this. So glad your parents are supportive. Good luck.

I hope you are ok OP.