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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Please some help or advice

61 replies

Misste · 21/06/2023 13:37

I met my bf in December 2017, I knew he had 3 children to two different women but he only saw the oldest one who was then 8.. great kid and she often stayed with us at my home.. fast forward to march 2019 and social services contact him because the two other children’s mother wasn’t capable of looking after them anymore these are 2 and 4 years old… i said I would stand by him & help him with whatever was needed. We set up home together & the kids came to live with us in august 2019 and have lived with us since by the way I do not have any parental rights over these two children.. they were dropped with us on a Saturday and my bf went back to work on the Monday FULL TIME ..leaving the kids with me from then. I had my child in 2020 and we got on with life… the other morning while eating breakfast his oldest daughter who lives with us who’s now 8 said that her grandparents said “she does nothing for those kids”… ok so, for four years I’ve took them to school, picked them up from school, made sure they were clean and tidy, got them dressed, wiped away tears because real mother didn’t care, been abroad, all the “normal things” families do.. my family have welcomed them with open arms, they buy gifts and give cuddles when needed!.. I’ve saw a lot of their “firsts” apparently I’m not “doing enough” for two children who aren’t mine… please don’t reply being mean, I’m already at my lowest point because of all this toxicity and horrible things that have been said about me, but what more can I do 😞 I feel like a huge failure 😨 the youngest of his children suffers with mental health issues and childhood trauma along with adhd, she can be very difficult at times & I’ve had 100s of meetings with the school who are now trying to push for a special ed school! I fought for her, for all the help she needs! I really have done my best, but his family feel I haven’t done enough… for his kids & their grandkids

OP posts:
AfricanRain · 21/06/2023 13:43

Eight year olds often get the wrong end of the stick.

Original poster
Misste · 21/06/2023 13:47

Hi, ah, well yes I did think that too, but I asked my bf about this and he said yes it did get said during an argument with him & his parents… in front of the kids.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 21/06/2023 14:04

Did your partner stand up for you in the argument? That would be my biggest concern.

excelledyourself · 21/06/2023 14:07

but what more can I do

Nothing. In fact, you're doing too much. What does their father actually do? And why was he not seeing them until SW asked him to have them?

I can't quite believe he got them on the Saturday after being no contact, and then just carried on with his day as normal on the Monday.

Anyway, now that you've confirmed it was said, I'd just cut them off completely. You owe them nothing. Simply don't give their opinions another seconds thought.

But I hope your boyfriend at least put them in their place and pointed out you've stepped up far more than he has. If he didn't defend you, then his parents really are the least of your worries.

You're the best of the lot of them, by far. Don't doubt that for a minute Flowers

strawberrywhisk · 21/06/2023 14:08

I'm so sorry OP, you sound lovely and deserve recognition for what you do. Have you spoken to your dh about this yet? Also, would you like some parental rights?

Mumof4plusbonus · 21/06/2023 14:14

Aside from the fact I think you were crazy to take this on, your in-laws are crazy and horrible. I hope your dp stood up to them? That is not helpful for the kids to hear that.
Your dp did wrong by you and the kids by going straight back to work and leaving you with them. Does he at least do the most with them outside of work?
Similar happened to me but with one child, and I already had our 1st joint child. My dss is an adult now but it’s been a long road. Tbh I have a lot of resentment about it all. I was young and naive and I wish someone had told me that it wasn’t my responsibility and I wouldn’t be horrible not taking it on. My dp totally took advantage and I raised dss more than either of his parents. Without any of the recognition and all of the judgement.

Maddy70 · 21/06/2023 14:14

Kids exaggerate and make mischief. Don't pay any attention

Mumof4plusbonus · 21/06/2023 14:16

Maddy70 · 21/06/2023 14:14

Kids exaggerate and make mischief. Don't pay any attention

Her dp confirmed it

Raindropsarefallingheavily · 21/06/2023 14:18

Back away. Leave the lot to him. Then he can explain to his dps why the change in set up. I hope you haven't had the cf in your home op...

Original poster
Misste · 21/06/2023 14:35

Hi. Thanks for all the replies. My bf said to his parents that I do a lot for them & that’s when his dad said it’s not enough… so I’m confused as what would be enough, as I put my all in, and obviously have to prioritise my 2 year old. The school know exactly who does what and who picks and drops off, who attends all school meetings with senco staff, with speech and language, with educational psychologists… and yes that’s me! Bf leaves the house 7am, comes home 5:30pm and that’s Monday to Friday, finds himself other jobs on weekends to “make more money” or avoid us. Children said they would choose me over their dad and this question wasn’t put onto them but they said we would love it if it was just us 4 without dad. I’m in such an awkward horrible situation and I feel like I’ve got no way out. Grandparents like to be in the know & are constantly controlling my bf which he allows. I have a great relationship with my parents who have said now is time to leave.. but without another home to go to with my 2 year old that’s a bit difficult.. apparently didn’t see children because the mother wouldn’t let him see them, but actually I have spoke to her and she said that it’s not the case, i know she’s not perfect & certainly didn’t put her kids first but in a way, I kind of believe her as he doesn’t seem to bother with the 3 of them and they live here with us. We had a few visits to their foster carers house as a like get to know each other kinda thing, the girls loved me the minute they saw me which was super nice but at the same time I was only 26 and childless, and had no idea how much my life was going to change and how much I’d have to grow up & be an overnight parent. Sorry about the long reply, I could write a book on this, I haven’t saw his parents since I’ve found all this out which was only on Monday but it’s tore me up and I feel like a worthless piece of shit! Hopefully this is how I reply to everyone cos I have no idea how else to do this. X

OP posts:
darkmodeon · 21/06/2023 14:40

Raindropsarefallingheavily · 21/06/2023 14:18

Back away. Leave the lot to him. Then he can explain to his dps why the change in set up. I hope you haven't had the cf in your home op...

This

excelledyourself · 21/06/2023 14:41

I kind of believe her as he doesn’t seem to bother with the 3 of them and they live here with us.

How many kids are there? You said he has three by two other women, but already saw the eldest. Is she living with you now too?

Original poster
Misste · 21/06/2023 14:45

Sorry @excelledyourself the three children I’m on about are his two girls and my own 2 year old boy. We still see his oldest. She’s 14 now.

OP posts:
IndigoSkye · 21/06/2023 14:45

I think says far more about the grandparents than you. You sound like a great mum. Is there anyway you (and your family) can see less of them. My thoughts when people act like this is they are never going to see another point of view and aren't going to change.

Original poster
Misste · 21/06/2023 14:46

I would love to see less of them but my bf would definitely say otherwise. I wouldn’t make him choose between me & his parents, I know it would be them & thats when I’d have to leave. X

OP posts:
rose69 · 21/06/2023 14:51

You sound amazing. Try to ignore his parents as much as poss. They sound like they can get a grip the situation.

excelledyourself · 21/06/2023 14:55

Why would it be you who had to leave, OP? He's barely home, so why would his parents have any need to be in your space?

What's the set up? Mortgage or renting? You said him and the eldest stayed at yours initially, so did you sell up or give up your property? Do you work?

Do your parents not have room for you, if it came down to it?

He can't be seeing his eldest much either if he's working late and working weekends.

He sounds awful, OP. For all of you. I really hope you realise you're all worth so much more than this. It seems his kids have worked that out.

excelledyourself · 21/06/2023 14:57

Excuse all my questions, OP. Just trying to get the full picture.

I don't know how he could possibly choose his parents over you, even if he wanted to. He'd be up shit creek without you, clearly!

gettingoldisshit · 21/06/2023 15:23

Op if anyone is a shit parent it's definitely not you, it's your bf! I would tell his dp where to go and mind their own business!

Original poster
Misste · 21/06/2023 15:24

It’s a housing association property that we are renting in joint names, I can’t remove him from
the tenancy and he can’t do that to me either, they wouldn’t allow me to stay in a 3 bedroom property with just me & my child. I gave up my private rented flat when we knew the girls were going to be with us. His parents like to see the kids so make any excuse to be around. If I said I was out I would just get slagged off! These are toxic people. I realise that now. His older kid just comes n goes when she wants.. he gets annoyed because she texts me and she doesn’t contact him!… @excelledyourself

OP posts:
Original poster
Misste · 21/06/2023 15:25

@gettingoldisshit thank you. Think I’m starting to realise that it’s not actually me who’s the problem. Thank you to everyone who has said kind words x

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 21/06/2023 15:28

Misste · 21/06/2023 15:25

@gettingoldisshit thank you. Think I’m starting to realise that it’s not actually me who’s the problem. Thank you to everyone who has said kind words x

You're definitely not the problem. You've been his solution to everything.

I'm sorry the housing situation is making things harder.

Reugny · 21/06/2023 15:32

OP the only person who can stand up for you is you.

You have every right to tell his parents if he isn't in to deal with them that you will not be in every single time they want to come round, and if they do come around uninvited to tell them to go away every single time.

They will continue to slag you off regardless of what you do so you may as well give them something to.

Mumof4plusbonus · 21/06/2023 15:32

It’s 💯 not you with the problem! What would he do if you weren’t there? Do his parents want to take on the job? He should be so grateful to you, and so should his parents. Does their mum have contact?

neilyoungismyhero · 21/06/2023 15:45

To be honest if it was me I'd be going round there and calmly asking them what they meant and I what else they feel you should be doing for the children. I'd be telling them exactly what you do and would they like to step up?

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