Fathers day | Mumsnet

Yadayadayada1 · 2023-06-14T06:06:05+00:00

AIBU to think I don't need to bother sorting gifts for teenage DSC? We have a toddler shared DC I have gotten a gift "from" but not bought anything "from" DSC. When they were much younger their mum bought them stuff to give DH, that dwindled and then stopped, I have on an ad-hoc style basis bought the odd thing when they asked me to but this time they haven't mentioned it at all and they have their own money now/own bank cards and I just feel it's not my responsibility to keep reminding or buying these things. They can both afford a £1 bar of chocolate and a card.

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TidyDancer · 14/06/2023 07:08

Yanbu imo. Have they asked you to do something or are you anticipating it?

Original poster

Yadayadayada1 · 14/06/2023 07:14

TidyDancer · 14/06/2023 07:08

Yanbu imo. Have they asked you to do something or are you anticipating it?

They haven't asked me yet no. I'm suspecting it'll come the day before or morning of no doubt. My plan is to just tell them they know where the shop is!

OP posts:

hattyhathat · 14/06/2023 07:21

What does your DH do for mothers day? Does he prompt them? Buy something for them to give to mum? I would basically expect the opposite to happen and don't see why you should get involved. However I'm in a similar situation and last year my DSC forgot/mum couldn't be arsed and they felt bad so I have reminded them this year. That's it.

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/06/2023 07:57

hattyhathat · 14/06/2023 07:21

What does your DH do for mothers day? Does he prompt them? Buy something for them to give to mum? I would basically expect the opposite to happen and don't see why you should get involved. However I'm in a similar situation and last year my DSC forgot/mum couldn't be arsed and they felt bad so I have reminded them this year. That's it.

That's entirely different if their child is a toddler. Teen-agers should be able to

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/06/2023 07:58

Oops posted too soon. I don't remind my teen DSC - I can't do everyone's thinking for them.

Carryonkeepinggoing · 14/06/2023 08:05

An inbetween solution could be to message them to remind them it’s father’s day but make it clear you expect them to sort out their own card or gift.
‘Hi guys, I know you are both old enough now to sort out your own card or present or whatever you’d like to organise, but I thought I’d just let you know it’s Father’s Day on Sunday in case you hadn’t seen it somewhere already.´
Then leave it up to them to buy a card and chocolate or get up early to make breakfast or whatever they fancy doing.

hattyhathat · 14/06/2023 08:09

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/06/2023 07:57

That's entirely different if their child is a toddler. Teen-agers should be able to

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I have a toddler. I'm confused why you think it's different. I'm in pretty much the exact same scenario. I got something from my toddler. The DSC forgot and it it was just awkward all round. So this year I just sent a text that said when fathers day was and asked if a roast was ok for lunch - chicken or beef.

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/06/2023 08:23

@hattyhathat because toddlers don't know this stuff maybe? My point was that at some point, older kids need to take responsibility for remembering these things by themselves. Otherwise they turn into helpless adults who need reminding about everything.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/06/2023 08:38

I used to take them shopping but these days they sort it themselves though last year I think one of them didn’t do anything.

They know when it is, I always arrange an outing or a special meal and sort a gift with/from our young DD. If you’ve demonstrated the joy of gift giving it’s up to them to carry on if they want to. They probably have more disposable cash than we do but both of my teen DSC can and do draw pictures or make cards so it can be free but thoughtful.

hattyhathat · 14/06/2023 08:40

HandbagsnGladrags · 14/06/2023 08:23

@hattyhathat because toddlers don't know this stuff maybe? My point was that at some point, older kids need to take responsibility for remembering these things by themselves. Otherwise they turn into helpless adults who need reminding about everything.

Good point. Maybe now they've got phones I'll just leave them to it they can set up reminders

BananaBlue · 14/06/2023 08:50

For love of my DH (wouldn’t want him disappointed/hurt) I would remind them, nothing more.

Partially so if DH questions them forgetting he cannot also cast any blame my way for not reminding them when I had clearly planned a gift from our joint.

hattyhathat · 14/06/2023 08:55

BananaBlue · 14/06/2023 08:50

For love of my DH (wouldn’t want him disappointed/hurt) I would remind them, nothing more.

Partially so if DH questions them forgetting he cannot also cast any blame my way for not reminding them when I had clearly planned a gift from our joint.

I mean if I had a DH like that then I'd definitely NOT remind them!

BananaBlue · 14/06/2023 09:04

hattyhathat · 14/06/2023 08:55

I mean if I had a DH like that then I'd definitely NOT remind them!

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You’d rather see your partner hurt and potentially have him upset on a special day?

If I’ve reminded them and they’ve still not bothered then that is 100% on the DSC, but I would remind them because it seems petty not too.

In the time posts & threads are written here, a text (as above) could have been sent.

aSofaNearYou · 14/06/2023 09:07

@BananaBlue You missed the point they were making - a man who would "blame" you for your SCs not getting him a Father's Day gift is not a good partner.

I've never even thought about what my DSS does. It's nothing to do with me, I would not accept being blamed.

GoodChat · 14/06/2023 09:20

Are they going to be with you on Sunday?

If they are, I would make the gift from all of them. If they're not, I would remind them that it's Father's Day and they can decide what to do.

GoodChat · 14/06/2023 09:21

GoodChat · 14/06/2023 09:20

Are they going to be with you on Sunday?

If they are, I would make the gift from all of them. If they're not, I would remind them that it's Father's Day and they can decide what to do.

Sorry, that is on the assumption they are relatively young teens. Anything 16+ I wouldn't include them on the gift.

BananaBlue · 14/06/2023 09:30

aSofaNearYou · 14/06/2023 09:07

@BananaBlue You missed the point they were making - a man who would "blame" you for your SCs not getting him a Father's Day gift is not a good partner.

I've never even thought about what my DSS does. It's nothing to do with me, I would not accept being blamed.

You are right in that a man who would blame you isn’t the greatest, my point was that I wouldn’t want any opportunity for blame to be cast my way.

In my home sending a 2 second text to avoid potential hurt and disappoint of loved ones would be a good thing.

MissTrip82 · 14/06/2023 09:36

By that age I don’t expect to still be facilitating (although I would if asked for help) but I do still expect to be reminding them. Teenagers can be a bit self-absorbed and I’d rather remind them and help if needed than see my husband hurt.

I shouldn’t have to remind my brother either, he’s almost the same age as me. I do. For me, annoyance at doing the thinking for him is outweighed by my surviving parent’s feelings.

existingusername · 14/06/2023 09:39

I get cards and little bits to give to him from all the step kids. All the kids get treated the same they are also teens.

Original poster

Yadayadayada1 · 14/06/2023 09:49

GoodChat · 14/06/2023 09:20

Are they going to be with you on Sunday?

If they are, I would make the gift from all of them. If they're not, I would remind them that it's Father's Day and they can decide what to do.

They will be yes but no I don't want to just give the gift from all of them. That is not them making any effort whatsoever. Our child is not old enough to go and buy a gift and actually give fathers day much thought beyond making a card at nursery. They are and should imo, otherwise it's not actually them showing any appreciation for their dad, it's just me writing their names in a card I already bought.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 14/06/2023 09:50

I think you have it right OP. A reminder is fine but you shouldn't do it for them, that's ridiculous.

Lkgcsr · 14/06/2023 09:53

I’ve bought a present from all the children (shared DC and DSC) but I will prompt DSC on Saturday to get a card and a small something mainly because it will hurt DHs feelings if they don’t bother with anything.

GoodChat · 14/06/2023 11:19

@Yadayadayada1 I completely understand your point but I'm just looking at it from your husband's perspective rather than considering the feelings of his children, if that makes sense.

I get where you're coming from completely and its such a crap situation for them to put you in when they're old enough and capable enough.

Maybe just say "x is giving dad this for Father's Day; have you got your gifts sorted?"
Then it gives them the nudge (which you also shouldn't have to do but they might not be aware it's this weekend) to know that they'll be the ones letting him down if they dont make the effort.

hattyhathat · 14/06/2023 11:30

BananaBlue · 14/06/2023 09:04

You’d rather see your partner hurt and potentially have him upset on a special day?

If I’ve reminded them and they’ve still not bothered then that is 100% on the DSC, but I would remind them because it seems petty not too.

In the time posts & threads are written here, a text (as above) could have been sent.

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Yes, if he would make it my fault if they forgot!

hattyhathat · 14/06/2023 11:31

aSofaNearYou · 14/06/2023 09:07

@BananaBlue You missed the point they were making - a man who would "blame" you for your SCs not getting him a Father's Day gift is not a good partner.

I've never even thought about what my DSS does. It's nothing to do with me, I would not accept being blamed.

Exactly my view