Fathers day

[Yadayadayada1]

AIBU to think I don't need to bother sorting gifts for teenage DSC?

We have a toddler shared DC I have gotten a gift "from" but not bought anything "from" DSC.

When they were much younger their mum bought them stuff to give DH, that dwindled and then stopped, I have on an ad-hoc style basis bought the odd thing when they asked me to but this time they haven't mentioned it at all and they have their own money now/own bank cards and I just feel it's not my responsibility to keep reminding or buying these things. They can both afford a £1 bar of chocolate and a card.

And my point is you shouldn't be in the situation where you feel you have to protect yourself from "blame" for this in the first place.

As far as I'm concerned fathers day is between dad and his kids. I help toddler DC as they aren't old enough to understand themselves.

Interesting a few of you have jumped on my ‘blame’ comment.

To me in quite a few scenarios I’ll do or say something that takes seconds because I’ve ‘seen’ it, eg, moving a plate that someone’s left near an edge, reminding family of X,y,z, nudging someone at work because I’ve seen something.

All the above is vice versa btw.

Even my preschooler picked up an item he saw someone drop in the supermarket and handed it to them instead of taking the approach ‘not my problem/job’.

I shouldn’t be surprised that so many here see it as tough if DH gets disappointed/hurt, tough if those kids don’t bother, not my job.

Yes but this would be akin to your DH blaming you if your DSC left a plate near the edge and you didn't notice and move it. Would you think that was fair enough?

And its a paper plate not a china one and kids have to learn that plates fall if you leave them near the edge somehow.

Or something 😄

1. My DH wouldn’t blame me, nor (in vice versa) would he play games like not sending a text that he could do to avoid potential hurt. But, in a situation where I ‘could’ be complicit in noticing and not taking action (the possibility that my DSC have forgotten FD) I would naturally send a notification.
2. No one can blame you for not noticing a plate. That’s the whole point. But it’s a bit off to me if you do notice it and do nothing because ‘it’s not my problem’, esp if solution takes seconds and saves a loved one being hurt.
3. I wouldn’t buy on behalf of the DSC or add names to my offering, maybe they will chose not to treat DH. However, I would remind them just in case they’ve forgotten/not noticed and advise them to diarise it for next year. For my DH sake if nothing else.

It’s clear we are in disagreement, and to be fair in the time this debate has been happening the OP prob could have send a carrier pigeon to remind the DSC and got on with her day.

I've reminded my DSD and both assured me they knew. That's my part done as far as I'm concerned!

That’s exactly what I would have done, 2 second job then got on with my day. Don’t even need to wait for a reply.

Everyones a winner (and hopefully they’ll treat DH so he has a lovely day!)

Thing is like it's kinda not a step parents place to prompt DSc that it's Father's Day. That imo is a value that's set by the parents. It's mum if she's so inclined to do it.

Every year my dp gets me and DSc mum a gift card ect.

Every year DSc is prompted and she shrugs and says it's not her problem or thing she needs to do. That's the values that's accepted in their parenting of DSc who is nearing older teen.

My dp still does it for mum because he's trying to show DSc that actually there is joy in giving and tries to involve her with Mother's Day. But the time is soon nearing that mum won't get a gift from her dd because that will be the values she taught her on Father's Day.

Sometimes teens especially don't need to be treated like they are 4 and need to see the hurt on dad/mums face to get off their behinds.

Kindness and empathy is a taught trait, sometimes you have to let them safely fuck up and teenagehood is a good place to start esp with something fairly low stakes in consequences. This isn't a fuck up of the highest order. But kids do need to learn accountability for actions and non actions.

If they haven't gasped the ability to Google when is Father's Day by late teens, you have bigger issues going into adulthood and you sticking their name in a card is effecting sticking a bandaid on chopped off leg.

I don't relish in my dh pain but he did contribute to this by sticking a plaster on it, and maybe he won't get through, but this is very much at the heart of values you want your kids to have and that is very much responsibility of mum and dad.

My DSS doesn't bother because he is selfish. I wont prompt him because he is an older teen and his parents think it's acceptable.
I'd happily never see him again, but that's another thread...

I've reminded my own kids. I wouldn't do less for stepchildren. It takes 2 minutes, so is minimal effort and helps avoid hurt for your dh - why wouldn't you do it?

As a stepmom I don't think you are responsible in any way for sorting this.

I remind my DD to sort her dad's stuff for father's Day, take her shopping for it if needed etc, and vice versa. My partner wouldn't dream of getting involved for mother's Day. Dd's dad's new partner often does buy something for her to give him as well, despite dd telling her she doesn't need to, and it's actually ridiculous and pointless as it's some random generic gift and not something dd has chosen for him at all - whereas I actually facilitate her choosing something herself, so it's a little more meaningful. (That's not meant as horribly as it sounds by the way - her step-mom is a perfectly ok woman, it's just in this instance she is pointlessly wasting her own time and money in my opinion, and dd's).

If your step-kids' mom won't even remind them you could do that, but that's all I think you need to do, and it's nice of you even to be thinking about doing that in my opinion.

What does it cost you to mention it to them - nothing.
Agree leaving them to it but not even a reminder is petty.

The only person who gets hurt is your DP

We seem to have very similar usernames. I hope you don't get mistaken for me.

You know the mental load mums have to carry is a actual thing that's recognised in the society.

This adds to it.

I'm not talking about toddler, we are talking about teens and older teens at that. If the parents haven't drilled into their children values that Mother's Day and Father's Day is important why does a step parent have to come and insert themselves and potentially risk pissing off their DSc or footing the bill for something DSc can't be arsed to think about.

Teens recognise Christmas... and the date it falls on and even young children know the date of Christmas. Come on.

If your partner is hurt it's not the step parents fault - it's the way the kids were raised and I'm assuming without a step parent involved the feelings would be hurt just as much right ...

@namechangenacy agree 100%

Plenty of kids are like this the fact that there stepkids is irrelevant

would it of killed you to just get something from all 3 and text them to remind them to get a card

but I guess being a step parent you can just use that to not bother

It's not about bothering. It's about the parents own values that they want to instil in their child. If I'm not meant to be getting involved with school/disapline etc then to me that includes gift giving. It's up to the parents to raise their kid how they want it would be disrespectful of me to do otherwise.

Each to there own guess in some households everything has to be a life lesson

Not everything no. But if you expect children to grow up and at some stage take responsibility for their own gift giving etc then you need to start leaving them to it at some point. If mum can't be arsed to help her own kids get a fathers day gift/card then that's a choice she's made (or the parents decided together). They don't need a 3rd adult getting involved and overruling their parenting.

It’s not up to the mother to arrange anything for her ex, the SM is the one with the relationship with the father and the children.

It takes two seconds to remind them and would literally have taken you longer to post this. I don't see why you wouldn't send a quick text.

I reminded my DSD14 on Tuesday when I seen her and her said she'd make a card and try to get to the shops. I'll text her later to say I'm in town and does she need me to get anything

I care about my DH's feelings and am happy to help my DSD out particularly if it doesn't inconvenience me too much

I remind my SDC, but then I also remind my own DC for my ex-husband.

Killed me? No.

But really what is the actual point of father's day at all if you just do everything for them 🤷‍♀️

They go to the shop for their own stuff all the time, they can grab a bar of chocolate whilst they are there and actually make some effort considering it's their father the day is supposed to be for?