Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Odd holiday without SC OK??

85 replies

HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:07

I know there have been a few threads similar to this recently but I didn’t want to hijack and our circumstances are a little different.
3 kids in our family - my DD, DSS and shared DS (a baby).
Whilst we try as much as possible to blend and include all kids in family events/holidays it has become clear that this isn’t always working and not everyone is happy.
My DD has expressed that she wishes to have some holidays without DSS, particularly if we were to go and visit some family we have abroad. She sees that as our special holiday/family time and that as DSS hasn’t met them there wouldn’t be any point in him going. She’s said that she feels his presence would even ruin the holiday for her (general dynamic different, he is quite withdrawn whereas we like to get out and about and do things etc). I know these things sound mean and she would never say that to him but she was just being honest and I think often (on MN anyway) it seems that SC’s feelings are prioritised over the resident child’s but IMO I feel their needs are just as valid as they are having to deal with a change of having another child in their life too.
Personally I don’t see anything wrong in having the odd trip without DSS (he goes away with just his mum too) but the issue is that my DP would not entertain it. I can see his point too in not wanting to leave his son out but what about my DD’s feelings? Does she always just have to share her time from now on?
I honestly don’t think DSS would be bothered if we did a trip without him. He has done big trips abroad with his own mum and definitely not the jealous type. He has ASD and never even asks what we’ve been up to!
BUT how do I approach this with DP? I would like to plan to go and see family in not so distant future.

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 29/05/2023 08:50

Can you go at the same time DSS is going away with his mum? That way they’re all having holiday at the same time which is fair. Your DP could then take him somewhere separately for a break.

Morechocmorechoc · 29/05/2023 08:51

Does your dd go away with her dad? The other option to make it fair is to do a trip with no dss and then one with no dd. Then they both get time with a parent that's more focused.

Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:51

@GoodChat I’ve encouraged my DP a lot in his relationship with DSS (was my suggestion for them to have time alone). But also why is it my responsibility to do so? Really should have nothing to do with me.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 29/05/2023 08:52

HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:51

@GoodChat I’ve encouraged my DP a lot in his relationship with DSS (was my suggestion for them to have time alone). But also why is it my responsibility to do so? Really should have nothing to do with me.

He's a shit dad then, isn't he.

It shouldn't be your responsibility but you're the one excluding him from this holiday when he's supposed to be a part of your family.

Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:55

@ShandaLear good suggestion I think
that could work well.

OP posts:
Bbqshowdownusa · 29/05/2023 08:55

OP my DD has also said she likes to do things without dsd. including certain holidays.

As far as I’m concerned her feelings are valid and Iv listened.

We do go on some holidays without dsd, just like she comes on some. It’s a mix. Fair doesn’t mean equal. DSD gets holidays with her mum as well.

She loves her sister but also finds her hard work at times. They have very different personalities. My DD is social and outgoing and dsd is quiet and a introvert.

PrimalOwl10 · 29/05/2023 08:56

Having a child with ASD this breaks my heart that a child would be excluded because he's different. It sounds like he's really struggled with new changes and is now being pushed out because of it. I hope his df sticks to his guns and doesn't go without him.

Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 09:00

@GoodChat I’m not excluding him I’m listening to the needs of my DD. Truly I don’t think DSS would give a flying shit. As I said he goes on lovely holidays with his mum that we would never be able to afford. The issue is more managing this with my DP.

@PrimalOwl10 Wow, no she isn’t unpleasant. She is an extremely thoughtful girl who has come to me separately and voiced her feelings. She is always kind to DSS and even feels guilty for not wanting to play with him as much now she’s older. She would never say these things to him but is perfectly entitled to her feelings and understandably doesn’t want to share everything with someone else.

OP posts:
lookluv · 29/05/2023 09:01

OP - you can have your holiday with your "perfect" little unit - DP, DD and DS - it may all go fine and DSS be fine with it but you have to be prepared for it not to go well and for DSS to be hurt +++.

You are making a very big thing about his ASD as an excuse for exclusion in the home and for holidays.

AS with all these threads - what he does with his Mum is irrelevant to what he does in his Fathers home. His DF needs to make sure the treatment of all his children is fair and equitable - does not mean the same - this kid gets a fairly bum deal in terms of his DFs time - for what ever reason. He maybe does not come over because he does not feel comfortable in the house because you really are selling it to us as you and your DD and DS and he is the magpie in the mix.

Go without your DP and your DD will have to live with that as will you.

Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 09:02

@Bbqshowdownusa thank you, sounds very similar situation. Has your DP been ok about not having all holidays together?

OP posts:
gogohmm · 29/05/2023 09:07

In all honesty, you need to go with your dd without your dp or come to an arrangement where you ask you dss if he wants to come then honour his reply. Siblings with birth or step can be awkward, I think your DD's request is a bit unreasonable to make your dp decide. Does your dd do trips with her dad/other grandparents?

Daleksatemyshed · 29/05/2023 09:11

Maybe the important question here is would your DSS want to go on holiday with you? Everyone presumes they'd be upset to be excluded but if he's becoming very reclusive to the point he only wants to come once a month maybe not. There's always a lot of posts about what the DP/DSPs should do and what the DSC will want but should the DSS be forced to go? Instead of making assumptions why doesn't someone ask him?

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2023 09:11

'No DD. That would be a horrible thing to do. I can go on a holiday just with you if you would like, but it wouldn't be fair to expect dh not to take one of his children. How would you feel if me, dp, dss and ds went on holiday without you?'

Beamur · 29/05/2023 09:13

I agree that it's good that your DD vocalises her feelings and she shouldn't be told that her feelings matter less.
But maybe she does need to hear that her perception of the family unit is different to DP and for him, it includes his son.
I think that the point of compromise here - if you and DD want one thing and DP wants another, is that you go without him. I get that it's harder work for you without him, but I think you also have to see his POV.
I don't think it would be reasonable for you to ask him to come if for him, not bringing DSS is the deal-breaker.

Beamur · 29/05/2023 09:14

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2023 09:11

'No DD. That would be a horrible thing to do. I can go on a holiday just with you if you would like, but it wouldn't be fair to expect dh not to take one of his children. How would you feel if me, dp, dss and ds went on holiday without you?'

This is a horrible thing to put on a child. Manipulative and cruel.

Bbqshowdownusa · 29/05/2023 09:25

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2023 09:11

'No DD. That would be a horrible thing to do. I can go on a holiday just with you if you would like, but it wouldn't be fair to expect dh not to take one of his children. How would you feel if me, dp, dss and ds went on holiday without you?'

That’s a nasty thing to say. Her feelings are valid and shouldn’t be dismissed.

GoodChat · 29/05/2023 09:27

I’m not excluding him

You literally said your DP should attend because his family unit exists within your household.

PrimalOwl10 · 29/05/2023 09:28

If he goes on lovely holidays with his dm that he enjoys why can't he be allowed the same with his df? I suspect there's alot more to this and I think dss struggles are in association with op her dd and baby which is why he sees his df seperately. With ASD it's challenging and children don't always cope well with changes in particular with new dynamics.

Bbqshowdownusa · 29/05/2023 09:29

HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 09:02

@Bbqshowdownusa thank you, sounds very similar situation. Has your DP been ok about not having all holidays together?

He’s fine with it. He would never not come either.
Last year we went abroad while DSD was in Barbados with her mum and nan.

We took dsd away in March and next weekend we are away for the weekend with just dd, DS and us.

Everything doesn’t have to be done together and il never let my kids always be put second ahead of dsd needs which is what is suggested a lot on here.

Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 09:31

@PrimalOwl10 of course he can have those lovely holidays with his df too (money allowing). But that doesn’t mean we can’t have ONE holiday without him. You are right about him struggling with change with his ASD. We try and be sensitive to that as much as possible but I can’t let it impact on my DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 09:32

Thank you for your voice of reason. I’m happy for you that you are making it work. I hope we can get to a similar plans too.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 09:33

HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 09:32

Thank you for your voice of reason. I’m happy for you that you are making it work. I hope we can get to a similar plans too.

For @Bbqshowdownusa 💓

OP posts:
PrimalOwl10 · 29/05/2023 09:35

Your dh has voiced he does not wish to go away without his son. To put this in in to perspective honestly would you book a holiday abroad and include dss and ds when your dd was at her fathers because dss struggles with her behaviour at times and what some quality time with his df. It's very worrying how contact has reduced and I think that needs addressing so that dss can be more comfortable seeing his df.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2023 09:39

@Beamur @Bbqshowdownusa

I genuinely have no idea why what I wrote was cruel/nasty. I would often ask my children to think of what they are asking from the other person's perspective.

SheilaFentiman · 29/05/2023 09:40

DD wants to go and see her blood family, this isn’t just a holiday.

Would your DP ask DSS and abide by his reply?