Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Odd holiday without SC OK??

85 replies

HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:07

I know there have been a few threads similar to this recently but I didn’t want to hijack and our circumstances are a little different.
3 kids in our family - my DD, DSS and shared DS (a baby).
Whilst we try as much as possible to blend and include all kids in family events/holidays it has become clear that this isn’t always working and not everyone is happy.
My DD has expressed that she wishes to have some holidays without DSS, particularly if we were to go and visit some family we have abroad. She sees that as our special holiday/family time and that as DSS hasn’t met them there wouldn’t be any point in him going. She’s said that she feels his presence would even ruin the holiday for her (general dynamic different, he is quite withdrawn whereas we like to get out and about and do things etc). I know these things sound mean and she would never say that to him but she was just being honest and I think often (on MN anyway) it seems that SC’s feelings are prioritised over the resident child’s but IMO I feel their needs are just as valid as they are having to deal with a change of having another child in their life too.
Personally I don’t see anything wrong in having the odd trip without DSS (he goes away with just his mum too) but the issue is that my DP would not entertain it. I can see his point too in not wanting to leave his son out but what about my DD’s feelings? Does she always just have to share her time from now on?
I honestly don’t think DSS would be bothered if we did a trip without him. He has done big trips abroad with his own mum and definitely not the jealous type. He has ASD and never even asks what we’ve been up to!
BUT how do I approach this with DP? I would like to plan to go and see family in not so distant future.

OP posts:
Pissedoffandcovidy · 29/05/2023 09:45

We do go on holidays without my DSD (and with as well) but the other children are shared. In your DP’s position I would hate to go away with someone else’s child and not my own.

Beamur · 29/05/2023 09:47

No DD. That would be a horrible thing to do.
How would you feel if me, dp, dss and ds went on holiday without you?
You can't see why this is nasty?
You're not just getting the child to see a different POV (which is a reasonable thing to do) you're telling the child that they're doing a horrible thing (and totally invalidating their feelings) and then threatening them with abandonment.
Really awful way to teach your child empathy.

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 09:48

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2023 09:11

'No DD. That would be a horrible thing to do. I can go on a holiday just with you if you would like, but it wouldn't be fair to expect dh not to take one of his children. How would you feel if me, dp, dss and ds went on holiday without you?'

Woah! There's ways of phrasing it if you want to say no!

lookluv · 29/05/2023 09:49

I can let it impact on my DD -very telling. you can take your DD on holiday no one is saying - no. But she does not and nor do you have the right to say your DP comes without his son. Your DDs feelings are valid but she also needs ot understand what she wants may not always be possible either. She can have her family holiday but there is a caveat.

You and your DP made a decision that impacted on both existing children. one has obviously struggled with the changes and has lost a lot already - one has gained stability, great step dad and a new sibling. Maybe she can not have all she wants on holiday and neither can you.

DSS maybe fine with it but if he isn't then you all need to understand and manage his upset/disappointment/anger/tears and further withdrawal from your family unit.

COi: My 2 DCS experienced this when their DF was with his new DP their relationship with their DF has never been the same - they are hurt, angry and do not understand. Yes I take them on holiday but it is NOT the same - they want Dad time on holiday - not Dad at home time - that is not compensation to them.

feralunderclass · 29/05/2023 09:52

You need to listen to and prioritise your dd here, your focus on your 'family unit' is a bit deluded because your DH has another child who he (I assume) considers to be part of his family unit. You are making this all about you OP, and not listening to what either your dd or dp want. Just go on your own with the dc.

Bbqshowdownusa · 29/05/2023 10:13

feralunderclass · 29/05/2023 09:52

You need to listen to and prioritise your dd here, your focus on your 'family unit' is a bit deluded because your DH has another child who he (I assume) considers to be part of his family unit. You are making this all about you OP, and not listening to what either your dd or dp want. Just go on your own with the dc.

How is she not listening to what her dd wants?

Bbqshowdownusa · 29/05/2023 10:13

Beamur · 29/05/2023 09:47

No DD. That would be a horrible thing to do.
How would you feel if me, dp, dss and ds went on holiday without you?
You can't see why this is nasty?
You're not just getting the child to see a different POV (which is a reasonable thing to do) you're telling the child that they're doing a horrible thing (and totally invalidating their feelings) and then threatening them with abandonment.
Really awful way to teach your child empathy.

Yes this ^
shocking you would speak to kids like this.

Bbqshowdownusa · 29/05/2023 10:15

HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 09:32

Thank you for your voice of reason. I’m happy for you that you are making it work. I hope we can get to a similar plans too.

If he’s not willing to compromise and I think he should then 100% take your dd and DS.

When he takes away his DS he can also take your joint child too and then you get to spend extra time with dd on your own.

Hercisback · 29/05/2023 10:24

@arethereanyleftatall

Is DSS dad expected to have the same conversation with DSS to teach him how him being there affects other people? Thought not. Why is it only girls who tolerate this shit where we have to please everyone.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2023 10:26

@Beamur
Ok. I disagree. I'm saying that would 'potentially' be a horrible thing to do. Which it is. You haven't changed my mind. I'm happy to say no to dc sometimes.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2023 10:27

Hercisback · 29/05/2023 10:24

@arethereanyleftatall

Is DSS dad expected to have the same conversation with DSS to teach him how him being there affects other people? Thought not. Why is it only girls who tolerate this shit where we have to please everyone.

Yes, he would be.

Mumof4alsoabonus · 29/05/2023 10:41

Maybe dd just wants to have this family to herself? Maybe there’s pressure for dd to entertain dss as they are similar ages and she doesn’t want that. Her feelings are valid. However they don’t invalidate your dp’s and dss feelings. From how you describe your dss I doubt he will want to go, but he needs to be offered and that followed through.
I personally think the best option is to go without dp. I know it will make it more difficult with the baby, but if it’s doable I would, or leave the baby with him.
You haven’t mentioned if your dd goes away/has a relationship with her dad? If so then you could have it how you want, but do another with dss without dd. So parents are taking one child on a treat, then the other separately. Concentrating on the spending individual time rather than on the excluding iykwim.

MrsSchrute · 29/05/2023 10:42

You and your DP made a decision that impacted on both existing children. one has obviously struggled with the changes and has lost a lot already - one has gained stability, great step dad and a new sibling.

Brilliant put.

Hercisback · 29/05/2023 10:43

Then DSS would accept they are holidaying alone and all would be fine.

OP your proposal is fine. It could be slightly politically easier if you went without DP but it's not wrong to take him.

Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 11:49

Hercisback · 29/05/2023 10:24

@arethereanyleftatall

Is DSS dad expected to have the same conversation with DSS to teach him how him being there affects other people? Thought not. Why is it only girls who tolerate this shit where we have to please everyone.

So true 👏

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 11:54

@Mumof4alsoabonus. Spot on she has said she does feel a pressure to entertain , even if we reassure her that it’s not her responsibility. Funny how @Hercisback also pointed out girls have these pressures put on them and boys simply do not face. Yes she does see her dad regularly, has a good relationship with him and holidays with him and his family also.
I also believe more than likely DSS wouldn’t want to come. It’s not the type of holiday he would enjoy. Lots of extended family, busy environment, speaking diff language, late nights - all things he does not cope well with.
I think ultimately I need to explore this with DP again but put it out there that it might be nice for him/us to do a holiday with DSS separately too.

OP posts:
WhatTheHeckyPeck · 29/05/2023 11:54

ShandaLear · 29/05/2023 08:50

Can you go at the same time DSS is going away with his mum? That way they’re all having holiday at the same time which is fair. Your DP could then take him somewhere separately for a break.

^ This

Such an obvious solution and the best. It's what we did (although DSD was holidaying with her maternal GP's not her mum), and what I continued to do after my divorce when DSD remained with me. There was no drama and the girls enjoyed swapping stories about their breaks.

standardduck · 29/05/2023 12:00

I think going at the same time as DSS is away with his mum is a good idea.

But it all depends on your DP, if he is not willing to go without his DSS at all, there is not much you can do other than to include him.

dammit88 · 29/05/2023 12:05

Ho old are they all?

DSS is part of your family. He is your sons half brother. You say he has never met your family?! Surely you would like him to meet your family?

I think it would be awful to not take him and agree with those saying you would never take away your DSS and DS and leave your daughter behind so its not ok in reverse either.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/05/2023 12:13

I would take your dd to see your family alone. Take shared child or leave with dad up to you! I wouldn't expect my dp to holiday without his child there just because said child altered the dynamic. It could be a lovely experience with just your dd and shared child. I wouldn't put my dp in such an awkward position unless step child was horribly behaved etc.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/05/2023 12:16

Just wanted to add well done for listening to your dd, she has the right to voice her feelings and it is a positive that she feels able to. Let's not teach girls in the home that their feelings don't matter. Society teaches them enough of that.

aSofaNearYou · 29/05/2023 12:54

In your shoes I would go, as would DP, and we wouldn't think much about it. Even with DSS coming EOW there are loads of things we do without him, which would be even more the case if he only came once a month.

If your DP isn't up for it I'd suggest he could take him on a solo trip to make up for it (don't think it really matters if the set up exactly mirrors yours and you are there too), or just go without him too.

Grumpyfroghats · 29/05/2023 13:10

I think there is a middle ground where you can acknowledge your DD's feelings without allowing her to exclude DSS.

My older one sometimes gets fed up of his little brother - I am sure that your DD sometimes feels that way about the baby - we approach it by saying that we understand that little brothers can be annoying but he isn't perfect either and being a family means we compromise and share. We keep an eye on it and give him more 1:1 time if he is struggling too much with it but no one gets to dictate that a family member doesn't come on holiday with us. I suspect you would handle it very differently if she was complaining about the baby restricting what she can do

lunar1 · 29/05/2023 13:34

You'd dd can have what she wants, she just can't have everything she wants. She can go away with you and her half sibling.

Or you could put it another way to her, we will do the holiday the way you want, but the following week I will be leaving you with xxx while I do the same with DH, DSS and your joint child.

Your husband doesn't have a family unit that excludes his son.

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2023 14:00

PrimalOwl10 · 29/05/2023 08:46

I don't think your dd is very pleasant, she seems to want to rule the roost and demanding someone within the family is excluded is awful unkind behaviour. Has this behaviour had an impact on your dss reduced contact?

What a horrible thing to say. She only sees this boy once a month and doesn't get on with him that well. Why would she want to go on holiday with him?