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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Odd holiday without SC OK??

85 replies

HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:07

I know there have been a few threads similar to this recently but I didn’t want to hijack and our circumstances are a little different.
3 kids in our family - my DD, DSS and shared DS (a baby).
Whilst we try as much as possible to blend and include all kids in family events/holidays it has become clear that this isn’t always working and not everyone is happy.
My DD has expressed that she wishes to have some holidays without DSS, particularly if we were to go and visit some family we have abroad. She sees that as our special holiday/family time and that as DSS hasn’t met them there wouldn’t be any point in him going. She’s said that she feels his presence would even ruin the holiday for her (general dynamic different, he is quite withdrawn whereas we like to get out and about and do things etc). I know these things sound mean and she would never say that to him but she was just being honest and I think often (on MN anyway) it seems that SC’s feelings are prioritised over the resident child’s but IMO I feel their needs are just as valid as they are having to deal with a change of having another child in their life too.
Personally I don’t see anything wrong in having the odd trip without DSS (he goes away with just his mum too) but the issue is that my DP would not entertain it. I can see his point too in not wanting to leave his son out but what about my DD’s feelings? Does she always just have to share her time from now on?
I honestly don’t think DSS would be bothered if we did a trip without him. He has done big trips abroad with his own mum and definitely not the jealous type. He has ASD and never even asks what we’ve been up to!
BUT how do I approach this with DP? I would like to plan to go and see family in not so distant future.

OP posts:

vivainsomnia · 29/05/2023 14:01

Would your DD be happy if you, youngest, dss and husband went away for a week to do what dss really enjoy doing whilst she is with her dad?

excelledyourself · 29/05/2023 14:05

Is DSS dad expected to have the same conversation with DSS to teach him how him being there affects other people? Thought not. Why is it only girls who tolerate this shit where we have to please everyone.

And

Just wanted to add well done for listening to your dd, she has the right to voice her feelings and it is a positive that she feels able to. Let's not teach girls in the home that their feelings don't matter. Society teaches them enough of that.

Am I failing to see how anyone has come to the conclusion that gender of either child is relevant here.

burnoutbabe · 29/05/2023 14:28

If grandparents lived in say wales would everyone say the 4 coykd not go visit for a week in the summer without dss?

Or is it just because it's abroad?

I assume it's not Disneyworld but just a town in a other country rather than a tourist destination.

feralunderclass · 29/05/2023 14:35

Bbqshowdownusa · 29/05/2023 10:13

How is she not listening to what her dd wants?

Show quote history

Because she only wants to go if her DH goes, and he doesn't want to go without his ds. The OPs position is for the 'family unit' (step son not included) to go or not at all. The dd wants to see her family.

Summertimesmile · 29/05/2023 20:53

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2023 09:11

'No DD. That would be a horrible thing to do. I can go on a holiday just with you if you would like, but it wouldn't be fair to expect dh not to take one of his children. How would you feel if me, dp, dss and ds went on holiday without you?'

Exactly. That is the only acceptable response

Ginger1982 · 29/05/2023 21:14

Would you go on holiday with your DP, DSS and joint DC without DD? If she was with her dad for example?

The whole notion of the 'unit' just highlights how easily men walk away and leave their exes to care for their kids. Sounds like your DP wasn't that great as a dad before he met you.

Navigatingthroughlife · 31/05/2023 13:38

I understand your DD comes first but have you thought about how you’d feel if this was the other way around…your DSS wants to go on holiday with you DH and his sibling but not your DD. Surely you’d say no absolutely not…

For context this is coming from a step mum.

If there was a huge age gap whereby DSS was 18 etc and your two where young I’d get it but from what you’ve described DSS sounds like the middle child and I personally don’t think that’s fair on him and will make him feel really unwanted

pumpkintart · 31/05/2023 13:54

Sounds like DSS is in or approaching teen years has anyone asked him what he would like to do? He may think that visiting your family abroad sounds unappealing and if he doesn't like leaving the house won't want to go anyway!

My DSS lives with us and last year chose not to go on holiday with us as he didn't want to - my mum came to stay with him and he had a great time. He is angling for the same thing to happen at October half term as well. We are all going away this summer.

burnoutbabe · 31/05/2023 14:07

Navigatingthroughlife · 31/05/2023 13:38

For context this is coming from a step mum.

but she might well say yes - a visit to say dads family in scotland, spending time with the grandparents (not the DD's grand parents) and visiting family all over the place.

then she may come along as carer for the baby, rather than as part of the family unit. When baby older, the 3 could go on their own.

this is a trip to see family (that appears to be abroad). if it was a week spent in wales or newcastle, would anyone actually think they were missing out on "a holiday"

IWantToVote · 31/05/2023 14:33

I think it's mean not to invite him. He is either family or not! He is your child's brother.
How about organising things so that your daughter has some time without her step brother when you are on holiday. Perhaps when you are at your families overseas your husband could take his son out on his own for some of the time.

Unfortunately not inviting your stepson is sending him a very clear message that he isn't part of your blended family.

Many siblings would love to be able to exclude one of their brothers or sisters from coming in holiday.

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