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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Odd holiday without SC OK??

85 replies

HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:07

I know there have been a few threads similar to this recently but I didn’t want to hijack and our circumstances are a little different.
3 kids in our family - my DD, DSS and shared DS (a baby).
Whilst we try as much as possible to blend and include all kids in family events/holidays it has become clear that this isn’t always working and not everyone is happy.
My DD has expressed that she wishes to have some holidays without DSS, particularly if we were to go and visit some family we have abroad. She sees that as our special holiday/family time and that as DSS hasn’t met them there wouldn’t be any point in him going. She’s said that she feels his presence would even ruin the holiday for her (general dynamic different, he is quite withdrawn whereas we like to get out and about and do things etc). I know these things sound mean and she would never say that to him but she was just being honest and I think often (on MN anyway) it seems that SC’s feelings are prioritised over the resident child’s but IMO I feel their needs are just as valid as they are having to deal with a change of having another child in their life too.
Personally I don’t see anything wrong in having the odd trip without DSS (he goes away with just his mum too) but the issue is that my DP would not entertain it. I can see his point too in not wanting to leave his son out but what about my DD’s feelings? Does she always just have to share her time from now on?
I honestly don’t think DSS would be bothered if we did a trip without him. He has done big trips abroad with his own mum and definitely not the jealous type. He has ASD and never even asks what we’ve been up to!
BUT how do I approach this with DP? I would like to plan to go and see family in not so distant future.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 29/05/2023 08:13

Why don't you just go with the children and leave DP at home?

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 08:14

Sure that's fine, DP can take DSS on a special man trip

Fahdidahlia · 29/05/2023 08:15

I think this may be a big bigger an issue than just a holiday. Your DD has expressed a view and one you agree with. Of course you will naturally put your child first. Similarly your partner will put his child first for similar reasons. I would think because you also have a joint child if you went away without SS it would feel to your partner like a very clear exclusion of his son. From your desciption of his son he doesn't seem difficult just more withdrawn so it seems theres a couple of options.

  1. All go but it is clear Dad and SS will have days where it is just the two of them and perhaps shared child spends a day with them too so it can be just you and DD with family.
  2. Only you DD and perhaps shared child go.

There is no right answer and you've not done anything wrong suggesting it, but that also doesnt invalidate your partners feelings, nor does it mean it should also be the way your DD has expressed. Its all about compromise - blended family or stereotypical nuclear family.

Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:16

@GoodChat that is a possibility for sure but I’d prefer my DP to be there , if anything to help with the little one. My DD doesn’t mind her step dad being there (think because we all live together and they get on) it’s just more my DSS 😕

OP posts:
Beamur · 29/05/2023 08:19

Go without DP too? I think you should listen to your DD
I have SC and am a SC.
Fair treatment isn't always equal treatment.
We went away without the SC sometimes and sometimes DH took the SC somewhere without me and our DC.. Sometimes you really can just centre the needs of one child without it being the end of the world.
Btw OP - prepare yourself for the onslaught of posters telling you how horrible you are and how you should treat all children as your own (but absolutely not prioritise yourself or your own child at any time) oh, and don't forget that perennial favourite of the wise after the event YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO.
Enjoy your holiday 😉

Polari · 29/05/2023 08:19

How old is your dd?
Could your family help with the little one?

GoodChat · 29/05/2023 08:20

HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:16

@GoodChat that is a possibility for sure but I’d prefer my DP to be there , if anything to help with the little one. My DD doesn’t mind her step dad being there (think because we all live together and they get on) it’s just more my DSS 😕

You'd prefer him to be there but he'd prefer his DS to be there. You can't have it all ways, unfortunately.

How would you feel if his DS said he wanted a holiday without your DD and your DP insisted you were there too?

deepspace9 · 29/05/2023 08:21

It is difficult I do understand that as I am in a blended family too. I just wonder what your response would be if your partner wanted you all to go abroad to visit family from his side but didn't want your daughter to go? I suspect you wouldn't entertain it.

Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:22

@Fahdidahlia thank you for your balanced response. You are right I think there is also a bigger issue here. The kids used to get along fine but now heading into teens they are changing and don’t click. Think my DD finds her Step brother’s presence annoying and she just wants to have that time with me/her baby brother (who she adores). I know it all sounds unkind , don’t think I ever realised how difficult blending families would actually be and if, in reality, it’s ever at all achievable.

@peacelemon that might be a good thing to suggest to DP

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:24

@Beamur thank you 🙏😊 - oh I am fully bracing myself!! It’s very helpful to hear from someone with this loved experience. You are right about fair treatment not always being equal.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:27

*lived (definitely) not loved 😝

OP posts:
Silvergoldandglitter · 29/05/2023 08:30

Does dss get a holiday with his dad without your dd being there? Maybe he'd love a holiday with his dad without your dd always being there.

Thea91 · 29/05/2023 08:32

I am from a family of multiple divorces . So see it from the SC point of view . Give them the option of coming or don't take your DP. It will very likely upset them now / in the future if their Dad goes on holiday with his step child and not him.

Why should thier Dad go away with another child , but not his own child.

peacelemon · 29/05/2023 08:34

HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:22

@Fahdidahlia thank you for your balanced response. You are right I think there is also a bigger issue here. The kids used to get along fine but now heading into teens they are changing and don’t click. Think my DD finds her Step brother’s presence annoying and she just wants to have that time with me/her baby brother (who she adores). I know it all sounds unkind , don’t think I ever realised how difficult blending families would actually be and if, in reality, it’s ever at all achievable.

@peacelemon that might be a good thing to suggest to DP

They could go do something exciting just the two of them. Do they like any sports? Theatre?

lunar1 · 29/05/2023 08:34

Are you looking forward to the holiday where you go with your DH, DSS and joint DC and pace your unwanted DD off so she's out of the way?

You might prefer for you DH to be there, but can't you see how cruel it is? Your DD is also The Stepchild, do you want her to feel unwelcome on a holiday you are taking other children on?

Just take your own DC without your husband, then your DD gets the trip she wants.

Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:34

@GoodChat and @deepspace9
You are right that would be very uncomfortable for me but in reality that would never happen and I think it’s relevant to be real about that.
DP lives with my DD, it’s ended up being that his ‘family unit’ is with us - in an ideal world we would all live together happily but that just isn’t possible. DD has even described herself that if DSS was perhaps here more then she would be used to it but he only comes here to stay once a month now (his own choice - long and separate story - sees his dad on his own aside from this). So actually there isn’t much time for either of them to get used to being comfortable around each other. She’s always nice to him but it’s definitely awkward.
As PP said fair isn’t always equal. And I would be very happy for DSS to have a holiday with his dad just as it’s important for DD to have that time with me, especially when it’s something she has specifically requested.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 29/05/2023 08:39

And I would be very happy for DSS to have a holiday with his dad just as it’s important for DD to have that time with me, especially when it’s something she has specifically requested.

But you're saying you still want DP to come on holiday with you - which isn't the same.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/05/2023 08:42

Just you and your DD go somewhere.

PrimalOwl10 · 29/05/2023 08:43

The fact he comes to your own home once a month and see this df seperate is very telling. He likely doesn't feel part of the family unit you have created op by your own admission you say your dp is apart of that unit but not dss. I would look at why the contact has reduced so much.

Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:43

@GoodChat I see your point … but DD has expressed she doesn’t want to holiday with my DSS not my DP. If DP felt that he didn’t want to come with us then that would be OK, not ideal as we have young baby together but I get it and would have to manage.
I just think it seems a shame that sometimes the suggestion is it’s all or nothing. Why can’t we have just one holiday where it’s me, DP, DD and DS (what my DD sees as her family) and do other holiday with all of us or as others suggested with just DSS? What is the real harm in that?

OP posts:
Daffodilmorning · 29/05/2023 08:46

It’s fine for you to take your DD away without DSS. Just as it’s fine for your DH to take DSS away without your DD.

Going away as a family unit without inviting DSS would be awful though. He’s no less part of the family than your children. Would you go away with your DSS, shared DC and DH but not invite your daughter? That’s what you are asking your DH to do.

PrimalOwl10 · 29/05/2023 08:46

I don't think your dd is very pleasant, she seems to want to rule the roost and demanding someone within the family is excluded is awful unkind behaviour. Has this behaviour had an impact on your dss reduced contact?

GoodChat · 29/05/2023 08:47

HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:43

@GoodChat I see your point … but DD has expressed she doesn’t want to holiday with my DSS not my DP. If DP felt that he didn’t want to come with us then that would be OK, not ideal as we have young baby together but I get it and would have to manage.
I just think it seems a shame that sometimes the suggestion is it’s all or nothing. Why can’t we have just one holiday where it’s me, DP, DD and DS (what my DD sees as her family) and do other holiday with all of us or as others suggested with just DSS? What is the real harm in that?

Because you're thinking about what DD sees as a family unit, what you expect DP to see as a family unit, and both of those things exclude DSS.

I'd encourage your DP to build a better relationship with DSS so that he can be part of the family unit, too.

If your shared DC grows up to be completely different to DD, would you be happy to exclude one to make the other child happier?

I get completely that you're accepting DD's feelings, and you are right to do so, but DSS didn't bring any of this of himself so he needs consideration too. Would he be upset to miss out?

allthewoes · 29/05/2023 08:48

Could you find out when he's away with his mum and book your trip at the same time?

I think you need to discuss it with your dp and explain it as you have here.

Original poster
HeyMummeee · 29/05/2023 08:49

@PrimalOwl10 I can see how it may read like that but the reason why he doesn’t come that often is far more complex. Prior to DP living with us, DSS didn’t even have his own room/toys/clothes etc (he would just cart stuff from his mums 😞). I changed this and feel I’ve done so much to make him feel welcome. His age and ASD meant he has started to become very reclusive and was refusing to go anywhere so him coming just once a month has been a way to encourage him to leave his house and the other time he sees his dad they get special time alone without us.

OP posts:
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