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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Detached Stepparenting

85 replies

Vretz · 24/05/2023 22:00

Hi all,

Currently dating a lovely woman for about 1-2yrs, and we both have 2 children each of similar ages from previous relationships. They have met and we have been out as a group of 6 a few times.

She's since said that she's struggling because my youngest DC is a year younger than her youngest DC. She feels she's already been through the stage of development with her own DC and doesnt want to do it again. As a result, she no longer wants to have any involvement with my DC (theres been no incidents or behaviour to cause this) because of my DCs age. I'm struggling to understand this, as she's expressed she'd be more open to do so if my DD was older, and my own eldest DC is a year older than her eldest DC. She's now curve balled this further by saying she's keen to have another child herself, and she's struggling to see how it could all fit together when she doesn't want involvement with my youngest DC.

We have never lived together, and the DC live separately. I'm the NRP and she is a RP. We have agreed the DC wouldn't live together.

Currently, we are now in a state where I see my DC 1 night a week, and 1-2 nights EOWE, and I've not felt I'm away from her company for very long. The longest we go without seeing each other within a fortnight is 3 nights. She's now struggling with how separate that feels, as she is in effect detached stepparenting. She has said even without adding another DC, she struggles to see how detached stepparenting could work long term, as morally she doesn't think it's right for me to be involved in her DC, and for her not to be involved in mine and essentially ignore them. I can see her point on that, but my DC haven't voiced any concerns about her lack of involvement and they seem to prefer it (as do I) because of wildly differing parenting styles between her and DCs BM.

Therefore, my question is whether anyone has detached stepparented like this long term successfully?

Sorry for the ramble and happy to answer any questions!

OP posts:
Hotfuninthesummertime · 27/05/2023 08:18

She's excluding and bullying a 5 year old.

TrippinEdBalls · 27/05/2023 08:27

I just want to say I admire that you’re trying to find a way to make it work. Everyone on here says ‘end it’ at the first sign of anything that comes up that doesn’t perfectly fit with the unrealistic expectation of behaving like a nuclear family.

There is nothing admirable about trying to keep a relationship going with someone who dislikes one of your children. I actually think it's so chilling that the OP is so unconcerned about the fact that she is like this towards only one of the four children in the mix - and thank goodness she took herself out of the situation. Situations where one child becomes the least favoured scapegoat are at best incredibly emotionally damaging and at worst - well, I think we all remember the Arthur Labinjo-Hughes tragedy. I guess that started with the dad just not being that fussed that his girlfriend couldn't stand his five year old child.

flowergirl2020 · 27/05/2023 08:37

She sounds like she is just going to piss you about all the time. And whatever issue she has, it will be you/your children that have to make the concession. Just an opinion based on the info shared. I think you deserve better frankly (step mum of 12 years and mum to our 15 month old). I understand reliving those young tough years are not everyone's ideal but when she has shared the idea of having a baby together - sorry it just doesn't make sense and sounds like BS to me xx good luck with everything.

sofasofa42 · 27/05/2023 11:08

She sounds like life will be very hard work . Do you not think there are enough children around for you both to confuse. Is a 7th really necessary. Get a cat each, dog , hamster. Adopt a polar bear. Let's just not have more babies eh?

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 27/05/2023 11:14

No need for the analysing, dump her. Ridiculous.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 27/05/2023 11:48

So you’re homeless, and instead of striving to parent your kids more often than the tiny amount you currently see them, you’re chasing some vile woman who actively wants to traumatise your 5yr old? And are considering inseminating this dreadful girlfriend? ….Yikes.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 27/05/2023 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MissyPea · 27/05/2023 12:56

More than harsh, accusatory and ridiculous.

Original poster
Vretz · 28/05/2023 15:07

For clarity for a few things.
I'm not homeless. I'm selling a shared ownership house before the mortgage goes up and house prices goes down, as we risk negative equity if I stay for much longer. I'm renting 2 bedrooms from a family member, as I needed the time/space to work out what myself and DC need long term.

DP and I spoke, and she's clarified that her issue with DD isn't personal. She'd say the same about any DC that age. It's because of the time left of coparenting, and having to accommodate a childcare arrangement.

The concern for my DC. It's a given they are a priority. They see me and its never been put at risk that they wouldn't.

Its always been on the table that I'd walk. I think DP probably has some naivety around step parenting, as she has opened up to clarify she is thinking it'd be a nucleus family. Her previous partners have all walked after about 9 months, so I'm the longest barring the father of her kids.

One of those where I think it'll be a lucky escape.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
MissyPea · 29/05/2023 06:15

I don’t believe the OP said anything about her hating the child. People are deciding that for themselves. He’s reaching out for advice but lots of people are just attacking when they don’t even know the woman. There’s always two sides to a story, a story we have given very little info about but everyone is making her out to be an abuser.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 29/05/2023 06:25

She'd say the same about any DC that age
But the child was a toddler when they met and now they’re 5 - have I understood that correctly? So it’s not just the age

Original poster
Vretz · 02/06/2023 12:11

MissyPea · 29/05/2023 06:15

I don’t believe the OP said anything about her hating the child. People are deciding that for themselves. He’s reaching out for advice but lots of people are just attacking when they don’t even know the woman. There’s always two sides to a story, a story we have given very little info about but everyone is making her out to be an abuser.

In a nutshell yes, you're right.
She isn't an abuser, and I wouldn't say she hated my DD either.

I think DP has a way of explaining this that is misleading. Her words are:

"If DD was 14 and everything else was the same, this would be fine. It's the timing. If we met in 5-10 years I wouldn't be struggling with this and I dont want the separateness for the duration DD has left to go with coparenting but i dont want them living with me. I would do all this if i was in my 40s."

In essence, DP is saying she can't wait/survive the next 5-10yrs living apart, and reading between the lines, it sounds like it's more a case of her own DC being too young as well.

Right person, wrong time 😔

OP posts:
MissyPea · 02/06/2023 12:31

Vretz · 02/06/2023 12:11

In a nutshell yes, you're right.
She isn't an abuser, and I wouldn't say she hated my DD either.

I think DP has a way of explaining this that is misleading. Her words are:

"If DD was 14 and everything else was the same, this would be fine. It's the timing. If we met in 5-10 years I wouldn't be struggling with this and I dont want the separateness for the duration DD has left to go with coparenting but i dont want them living with me. I would do all this if i was in my 40s."

In essence, DP is saying she can't wait/survive the next 5-10yrs living apart, and reading between the lines, it sounds like it's more a case of her own DC being too young as well.

Right person, wrong time 😔

Show quote history

I’m sorry you’re in this situation 😞 Sometimes you can’t foresee how things will be until you try, you can only hope for it to work out for the best.

EL8888 · 02/06/2023 12:34

I’m confused by what’s she’s saying? I see where she is coming from about returning to an earlier stage of parenting a younger child who isn’t hers -l wouldn’t be up for that either! But then in the next breath mentions having a child with you. She is making no sense

Original poster
Vretz · 02/06/2023 14:13

@EL8888 she is saying:

  • she can't take on my DD due to the length of time left of coparenting and what that'll involve, and she doesn't want to blend and "go back" to dealing with that age range.
  • she doesn't want to live with my DC (I don't live with them, but they stay overnight with me as the NRP)
  • she won't wait until my DC are older and maintain separate homes because she MIGHT want a joint DC.

Whats relevant to this as well is that my DC only have contact with me during the days. A unique "characteristic" of BM is despite efforts with court/cafcass, she won't do indirect contact... but she's happy for me to have direct contact and take them away on holiday. As a result, my DC and I already live very separated lives.

I've read many threads here where women have kept their homes separate to a partner, SKs don't see each other and the relationship works, and for me, that was the solution here as DP wouldn't be moving back and forth between homes (there is no need). The travel would all be mine.

She doesnt believe me when I say that is sustainable for 5-10yrs, particularly when we are only 20mins drive apart.

OP posts:
candlesflamesandbrooms · 02/06/2023 15:52

@Vretz tbh I can see her point in a weird way.

Some relationships do work with people living in separate houses but if mum is difficult I can understand that actually it's already complicated and the "wait" is a bit too long. Like the straw that breaks the camels back.

Original poster
Vretz · 04/06/2023 23:33

Thanks @candlesflamesandbrooms
She went further and brought up the revelation that she felt I'd been a Disney dad with DD after I asked the question directly. God knows why she didn't just raise the question of parenting styles earlier, but BM is generally inflexible which adds to the stress. DP feels BM uses childcare arrangements to exert control over myself.

🤷‍♂️ just feels too complicated for me. I'm at the point where I just want to see my DC regularly and I don't mind adjusting my parenting style to align with a residential DP so it works in harmony. It feels like a rather large mountain out of a molehill!

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 04/06/2023 23:52

Her thoughts are just excuses, really. You can’t treat them as negotiating points or solvable steps in an equation. They are random, subjective, and shifting sets of demands that reality be other than it is. As someone said upthread:she wants a you that doesn’t exist anymore. A good father prospect with no children.

Codlingmoths · 05/06/2023 00:04

I couldn’t go along with the rejection of my youngest since none of her reasons are rational - I mean what are you supposed to do with ‘your child is a year younger than mine therefore I can’t even see them?’ It’s just nutty. And I absolutely definitely could not have another child with this woman who imagines a nucleus family with you that excludes your children. She might be lovely otherwise but these are huge N.O.s, and not a lovely way to think at all. Toss her back.

MissyPea · 05/06/2023 06:10

It might sound like she’s making something out of nothing from your perspective, but it’s her life as well as yours and your childrens, and she deserves to be happy as much as you and your children. She’s telling you she’s not happy, and that is just as valid as everyone else’s feelings. People on here like to invalidate step parents feelings though, dehumanise them and suggest they don’t have the right to be sentient beings, which says more about them than it does the person they are witch hunting (that they don’t even know) ‘Toss them back’ is a fine example. Oh the lovely people of mumsnet, never fails to amaze me.

candlesflamesandbrooms · 05/06/2023 07:50

@MissyPea spot on.

Op if you want to Disney dad and parent your way. That's absolutely fine but those choices have a active impact on a household and on your OH. A key thing with Disney parenting is that the parent doesn't actually parent just do the fun stuff (and leaves it to the other person to pick up the slack)

I can see why she's said she doesn't want to blend. She's told you that actually it's your parenting style she doesn't like and that does impact her. She's not the devil for saying it and your not the devil for parenting the way you want.

However I get the feeling that she's just not that into you. This would be a unhappy relationship. Your not happy or willing to make any changes in your parenting style (which is fair) but that choice has a consequence. Let her go.

Cardiganwearer · 05/06/2023 09:18

I think it’s awful that her family are putting pressure on her to have another child. What business is it of theirs? She needs to know her own mind on that as it is such a complicated situation already.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 05/06/2023 09:41

She can't have her cake and eat it. If she wants another DC with you then she is going to have to be more accepting of your other DCs. Personally I think you would be letting your DCs, in particular your DD down if you were to have a child with this woman. If you continue to stay together please make sure you wear condoms or get the snip, don't rely on her contraception alone. It doesn't sound like the relationship will work long term, you can't take things further with a woman who singles out one of your children.

Ledkr · 05/06/2023 09:48

Please get your kids put of this situation. I am a school counsellor and speak to kids everyday who are heartbroken at this kind of situation.
I am remarried and there has never been a question that my husband just will just accept and get along with my children.
How can you have a relationship with someone who doesnt want to be involved with your kids? Even your friends wouldn't do this.

IWantToVote · 05/06/2023 09:52

She sounds nasty and manipulative. I'd split up if I were you.