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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Detached Stepparenting

85 replies

Vretz · 24/05/2023 22:00

Hi all,

Currently dating a lovely woman for about 1-2yrs, and we both have 2 children each of similar ages from previous relationships. They have met and we have been out as a group of 6 a few times.

She's since said that she's struggling because my youngest DC is a year younger than her youngest DC. She feels she's already been through the stage of development with her own DC and doesnt want to do it again. As a result, she no longer wants to have any involvement with my DC (theres been no incidents or behaviour to cause this) because of my DCs age. I'm struggling to understand this, as she's expressed she'd be more open to do so if my DD was older, and my own eldest DC is a year older than her eldest DC. She's now curve balled this further by saying she's keen to have another child herself, and she's struggling to see how it could all fit together when she doesn't want involvement with my youngest DC.

We have never lived together, and the DC live separately. I'm the NRP and she is a RP. We have agreed the DC wouldn't live together.

Currently, we are now in a state where I see my DC 1 night a week, and 1-2 nights EOWE, and I've not felt I'm away from her company for very long. The longest we go without seeing each other within a fortnight is 3 nights. She's now struggling with how separate that feels, as she is in effect detached stepparenting. She has said even without adding another DC, she struggles to see how detached stepparenting could work long term, as morally she doesn't think it's right for me to be involved in her DC, and for her not to be involved in mine and essentially ignore them. I can see her point on that, but my DC haven't voiced any concerns about her lack of involvement and they seem to prefer it (as do I) because of wildly differing parenting styles between her and DCs BM.

Therefore, my question is whether anyone has detached stepparented like this long term successfully?

Sorry for the ramble and happy to answer any questions!

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 05/06/2023 09:58

I'm sorry, but her reasoning is just BS! Her youngest is six and your youngest is five? It's really not that much difference in development, it's not like she is comparing a toddler to a 10 year old in which case I could see that she might not be up for going through that whole parenting phase again. It may well be in some respects your five-year-old is already more mature than her six-year-old?! There is some other reason or reasons why she's not allowing this relationship to move forward, maybe she knows what they are and maybe it's just some indefinable feeling that this is not it for the rest of her life but whatever it is, it's unfair on you and your children And I honestly think you need to end it.

excelledyourself · 05/06/2023 10:06

Whats relevant to this as well is that my DC only have contact with me during the days. A unique "characteristic" of BM is despite efforts with court/cafcass, she won't do indirect contact... but she's happy for me to have direct contact and take them away on holiday. As a result, my DC and I already live very separated lives.

OP, what does this mean? You say you have them during the day, but also say they stay overnight.

What's indirect contact and what's direct contact?

FloweryName · 05/06/2023 10:08

She sounds fucking awful. I would y allow her to be around either of you children if she thinks it’s ok to reject one of them. Get rid of her.

Original poster
Vretz · 05/06/2023 14:46

@excelledyourself I currently have my DC overnight, with the odd day in the holidays as well. Direct contact is seeing them physically in person (being able to hug them). Indirect contact is video calls, texts and other things.

@MissyPea @candlesflamesandbrooms - OH was introduced into my life after a court battle with the ex to see my DC. The "Disney dad" parenting was probably more making up for lost time. There's still an element of it, because I spent about a week being the "good father prospect with no children" in OHs eyes as I don't get calls/texts from my own DC (ex prevents that using parental controls to block my number/contact details being added by DC to devices). It's as if my DC don't exist. Then I become "dad" for 1-3 nights.

OP posts:
MrsMiddleMother · 07/06/2023 08:37

Op you need to ditch this partner. She doesn't want anything to do with your 5 year old, essentially wants another baby but doesn't seem to be bothered about who with. It's not sustainable or healthy, time to move on. Good luck

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/06/2023 12:52

TBH, the fact that you have even entertained her since she started with the bullshit says a lot about you as a father. Do you not have the instinct there to protect your youngest? How can you even look at her? Of course this has nothing to do with anything other than jealousy. She has spotted that you have potential walk away from your kids and have one with her so she's working on it.
This thread has tought me how easy it is for eow fathers to compartmentalise their children, their flesh and blood. Im a mother and I wouldn't be able to be in the same room as someone who was so negative about my children.

Reugny · 07/06/2023 13:09

OP there are loads of red flags here.

You need to walk unless in a few years time you want to go to Court to ensure you see your third child and your older two children see them as well.

Original poster
Vretz · 09/06/2023 00:33

Yeah I walked.

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 09/06/2023 00:44

This reads like you want to ditch your children and start again with her.

Throwncrumbs · 09/06/2023 01:02

She effectively telling you she dislikes your youngest and doesn’t want anything to do with them. I would run a mile, she’s awful!

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