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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Detached Stepparenting

85 replies

Vretz · 24/05/2023 22:00

Hi all,

Currently dating a lovely woman for about 1-2yrs, and we both have 2 children each of similar ages from previous relationships. They have met and we have been out as a group of 6 a few times.

She's since said that she's struggling because my youngest DC is a year younger than her youngest DC. She feels she's already been through the stage of development with her own DC and doesnt want to do it again. As a result, she no longer wants to have any involvement with my DC (theres been no incidents or behaviour to cause this) because of my DCs age. I'm struggling to understand this, as she's expressed she'd be more open to do so if my DD was older, and my own eldest DC is a year older than her eldest DC. She's now curve balled this further by saying she's keen to have another child herself, and she's struggling to see how it could all fit together when she doesn't want involvement with my youngest DC.

We have never lived together, and the DC live separately. I'm the NRP and she is a RP. We have agreed the DC wouldn't live together.

Currently, we are now in a state where I see my DC 1 night a week, and 1-2 nights EOWE, and I've not felt I'm away from her company for very long. The longest we go without seeing each other within a fortnight is 3 nights. She's now struggling with how separate that feels, as she is in effect detached stepparenting. She has said even without adding another DC, she struggles to see how detached stepparenting could work long term, as morally she doesn't think it's right for me to be involved in her DC, and for her not to be involved in mine and essentially ignore them. I can see her point on that, but my DC haven't voiced any concerns about her lack of involvement and they seem to prefer it (as do I) because of wildly differing parenting styles between her and DCs BM.

Therefore, my question is whether anyone has detached stepparented like this long term successfully?

Sorry for the ramble and happy to answer any questions!

OP posts:
candlesflamesandbrooms · 25/05/2023 07:36

@Vretz well it's something.

Step parenting is hard. But since its only one of your children suggests something else isn't jelling.

Also and I hate to say it here and I don't mean it unkindly but a lot of time posters come on here taking of challenges with one of the DSC or their behaviours or mum or whatever and 99.9% of the time they are a red herring . It's a problem with DH and differences in parenting styles that effect day to day life, but because that's a harder problem to fix if they like/love their DH they focus on the wrong things.

Things sometimes get solved by talking but only if that person is willing to hear what is said... which many aren't I imagine.

Second marriages have a higher rate of breakdown because people try to show horn a "blended family" into the nuclear family and the roles that exist within them but obviously that doesn't and can't work.

All of the above said. This seems like a lot of work and if your posting online about this and not speaking to your DP it sounds like maybe she isn't the only one who's not fully in.

Relationships are honest communication and it sounds like both of you are a bit blocked.

As I said I'm not sure this has legs

billy1966 · 25/05/2023 08:25

She doesn't want your youngest child around.

She wants a man without children to have a third child with.

You can't afford the house you have and are selling it and living with your mother, and are seriously contemplating yet ANOTHER child, ........when you cant house the children you have.

Are you out of your mind?

Grow up and put your children first.

Have you any idea how expensive the teenager years are?

You sound so irresponsible and selfish.

Children are not disposable.

They have needs that cost money.

You are happily leaving the bulk of the responsibility to your childrens RP.

You need to grow up and cop on and stop focusing on your love life.

Poor children.

Enko · 25/05/2023 08:34

It's not she doesn't want to go through that developmental phase again (and 1 year difference there will be a LOT of cross over) it's that she doesn't want to deal with "your child"

Oldest is ok as will leave soon enough ans she knows it.

Please stop this relationship and focus on your children. Put them first.

She doesn't sound like she ever will

IncomingTraffic · 25/05/2023 08:52

Vretz · 25/05/2023 07:25

I worry its deeper, and probably more a difficulty with the commitment or becoming attached.

I don’t think you need to read further into it than the basic details.

Neither of you actually want a complex blended family (one were there are SC in both sides).

You both have children from previous relationships and that’s how it is.

She finds your youngest child challenging and isn’t delighted with how the child is parented.

She wants to have another baby, but not in a complex blended family.

Both of you need to listen to this and recognise that the relationship cannot ever work. Your lives don’t fit together in a way that matches what either of you want.

There’s no need to find deeper reasons or villainise one or other of you over it. It’s just not the right relationship for either of you.

lookluv · 25/05/2023 16:34

Run a mile - this is all about her needs, not any of the children's or yours.

Sounds like you are the next sperm donor - sorry her suggestions are ridiculous.

tatteddear · 25/05/2023 17:10

She sounds mad. It's never going to work is it .

Mumof4alsoabonus · 25/05/2023 17:47

This is very contradictory. She doesn’t want to be around your child but then she said it’s not fair you are around hers and she’s not with yours, which sounds like she does want more involvement (or she wants you to have less with hers). You don’t want her around yours by the sounds of it anyway. What’s the different parenting styles? Are your children difficult and maybe she’s more strict? She’s wanting another child but is saying yous can’t do that until you blend/sort the family you have- which is totally fair.
Were the comments made years apart? because you say yous went out as a 6 when your child was 3 but is now 5. Maybe she felt that way then but is now thinking if you are going to continue you need to blend. Either that or she is just telling you it’s not working.

sunsetoranges · 25/05/2023 21:40

Just wondering- has she got dd's or ds's?

What is your eldest? (You say your youngest is dd).

KirstenBlest · 25/05/2023 21:43

Make sure you use a condom.

blackbeardsballsack · 25/05/2023 22:05

It's worrying that this woman has been so stone cold towards one particular child, and that you have just...gone along with it. I'm glad she has made the decision not to see your DD as you are so passive to her resentment of your DD daring to exist that it sounds like you wouldn't protect your DD if she were around this women.

Gcsunnyside23 · 25/05/2023 22:16

Vretz · 24/05/2023 22:10

A joint DC would live with her, and it's apparently an "option" but that's where I'm at. I can see it work without a joint DC. I'm really struggling to see it working with one.

So if you have a joint child are your current children not going to meet the child or be involved with their sibling? This is exactly the situation your gf is setting up if she won't be around your youngest. I wouldnt be going any further with this relationship

Original poster
Vretz · 26/05/2023 07:14

@Gcsunnyside23 they'd meet as I could simply take a joint child with me when I go and see my DC. Really, she would probably need to accept the younger DD in some way for a joint DC to work. There's a lot of pressure on her to have another DC from her own mum, and we are both in our 30s. Her age does seem to visibly play on her mind and her own family are applying pressure for her to have another DC.

@sunsetoranges she has 1 of each. Her DD is older and its a noticeably strained relationship. I have an older DS who is 1yr older than her DD.

@Mumof4alsoabonus that's probably right that she feels we'd need to blend, and we both can see a joint DC is nearly impossible to do healthily.

@candlesflamesandbrooms thank you, we both speak honestly so we have broken up before. It's trying to navigate this that's put a strain on us both and we both know it might simply not work. My hope was to understand whether how she feels can be overcome with time, support and patience if she did want to.

She's stuck in a block where I see the way forward as not cohabiting until my DD is a few years older, and gradually reintroducing her and DD back together, because whilst she wants a joint DC, she has accepted it might not be healthy to do. The choice really is either having me and not having another DC but embracing my DD, or losing me and having another DC elsewhere.

Her upbringing was around those with fairly strong views against "non-bio" kids and I think the "stigma" of being a SM also plays into this.

I really like her, but sounds like the consensus is as I feared that there isn't a way to do this healthily, so we are going to have to let each other go.

OP posts:
candlesflamesandbrooms · 26/05/2023 07:27

@Vretz look I can't say I blame her for being cautious re taking on the title of sm.

Hanging around here enough and you will watch the total contractions that are stated in terms of what rules there are for sms (there aren't any hard and fast rules - not that anyone acknowledges it and sm get crucified for it.

That said it sounds like she doesn't want to blend, and I don't think anyone should be talked into blending.

You could wait until the kids are older and out of the house and keep dating that way but agreed with consensus- probably best not bring a child into a situation where blending is a no go.

Starlitestarbright · 26/05/2023 07:29

She sounds awful but your excuses are ridiculous she is not a nice person by your own admission has a strained relationship with her own dd. It's very telling its both girls she has issues. Having your own child will make it worse and will increase her dislike of your child further plus you have no where to live and are moving in with family! Please raise the bar and put your child above this woman. There shouldn't given be any other option to consider.

feralunderclass · 26/05/2023 07:52

She's telling you she doesn't like your youngest dc, to the point where she doesn't want to even see them. The way she said she doesn't want to go back to that 'developmental stage' when her dc is only 1 year older makes me think that she thinks your dd is very spoilt and babied.

Women often have issues with another man's daughters. My own stepmum was like this, but was fine with our brother. She really isn't lovely OP, don't give her any access to your sperm!

Cc1998 · 26/05/2023 08:09

Refusing to see your child because she doesnt like children of that age, so expects you to just keep your child away from her.. While trying to plan a new baby? The fact that you didn't immediately throw her back is baffling to me!

BleakMostly · 26/05/2023 08:18

You've been together less than two years

Have had serious enough issues already that you've broken up once before during this time

For some reason you're seriously discussing having a child together, but you don't live together and she doesn't like your youngest

This is a hot mess.

sunsetoranges · 26/05/2023 17:27

Starlitestarbright · 26/05/2023 07:29

She sounds awful but your excuses are ridiculous she is not a nice person by your own admission has a strained relationship with her own dd. It's very telling its both girls she has issues. Having your own child will make it worse and will increase her dislike of your child further plus you have no where to live and are moving in with family! Please raise the bar and put your child above this woman. There shouldn't given be any other option to consider.

This.

Your dc come first and it's unfair for the entire relationship to hang on the balance of her and your dd.
No comparison- your dd comes first.

MissyPea · 27/05/2023 05:03

I just want to say I admire that you’re trying to find a way to make it work. Everyone on here says ‘end it’ at the first sign of anything that comes up that doesn’t perfectly fit with the unrealistic expectation of behaving like a nuclear family.
My advice would be step back from trying to blend and return to dating, concentrate on your children, let her concentrate on hers and then the two of you concentrate on each other separately for a while somewhere in between. Try the blending again later when you both feel ready. Trying to force it as someone on here said on another thread is like trying to force square pegs into round holes.
If you two don’t have a strong relationship with mutual respect for each other, each other’s thoughts, values and feelings, then the blending is just never ever going to work and is pointless trying anyway. You said you and your children prefer it when you’re on your own, so why not give it a try for a bit. I can’t see harm in that.
I will say, thinking about having a child together doesn’t sound in any way sensible or right, unless you can get to a point where you work well together as a family.
Also remember you don’t have to live together at any point, even when children have grown up and left home. It’s 2023. Many people are finding non traditional ways such as ‘living apart together’ and find these different situations suit them better.

Hearti · 27/05/2023 05:31

It all sounds too complicated and unlikely to work. This is not good enough for you or the kids. In your shoes I’d only consider another child once you’d been living together for a couple of years and the kids were fully blended together.

I'm interested to know how your ex and present girlfriend parent so differently.

rwalker · 27/05/2023 06:53

She doesn’t like your child it’s a bull shit excuse about age
If she had teenagers and you had a toddler id get it but what she’s saying about 12 months I find very hard to believe

she’s after a meal ticket for a baby
walk away

sleepingbuddha · 27/05/2023 06:59

She is interested in a version of you that no longer exists. You without children. She obviously can't have that and it is beyond worrying that she is focussing her dislike onto one small child. This isn't about stages of life as she has said she wants another child. Out of interest, are all of the other children boys? (Sorry if that has been said before and I missed it)

Malificent1 · 27/05/2023 07:04

Haway man, what are you playing at? Is this really the best you can do for a partner?

She’s rejected your youngest child.
She doesn’t like you spending time with your child and wants you to stay with her all the time.
She doesn’t like toddlers but wants another baby.

Time. To. Walk. Away.

conniefused · 27/05/2023 07:13

Malificent1 · 27/05/2023 07:04

Haway man, what are you playing at? Is this really the best you can do for a partner?

She’s rejected your youngest child.
She doesn’t like you spending time with your child and wants you to stay with her all the time.
She doesn’t like toddlers but wants another baby.

Time. To. Walk. Away.

Pretty much this.

You're making excuses for her but really there aren't any. She's laid her cards on the table. It makes very little sense. It's probably a way to control you. Either way it's at the expense of your youngest child. I would feel fiercely protective if it were my kid. How would she react if you were to opt out of any involvement with one of hers?

Time to get rid and find someone whose situation and future plans match yours.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/05/2023 07:59

I can't believe you are still with this woman. She doesn't like your lovely child. She basically wants you to fund her through another child, but she won't want your daughter around with the new baby. She is utterly selfish and self-absorbed. I would jumper and look for someone where you can have a more healthy relationship. Having a child with this woman would be an absolute nightmare.