Detached Stepparenting

[Vretz]

Hi all,

Currently dating a lovely woman for about 1-2yrs, and we both have 2 children each of similar ages from previous relationships. They have met and we have been out as a group of 6 a few times.

She's since said that she's struggling because my youngest DC is a year younger than her youngest DC. She feels she's already been through the stage of development with her own DC and doesnt want to do it again. As a result, she no longer wants to have any involvement with my DC (theres been no incidents or behaviour to cause this) because of my DCs age. I'm struggling to understand this, as she's expressed she'd be more open to do so if my DD was older, and my own eldest DC is a year older than her eldest DC. She's now curve balled this further by saying she's keen to have another child herself, and she's struggling to see how it could all fit together when she doesn't want involvement with my youngest DC.

We have never lived together, and the DC live separately. I'm the NRP and she is a RP. We have agreed the DC wouldn't live together.

Currently, we are now in a state where I see my DC 1 night a week, and 1-2 nights EOWE, and I've not felt I'm away from her company for very long. The longest we go without seeing each other within a fortnight is 3 nights. She's now struggling with how separate that feels, as she is in effect detached stepparenting. She has said even without adding another DC, she struggles to see how detached stepparenting could work long term, as morally she doesn't think it's right for me to be involved in her DC, and for her not to be involved in mine and essentially ignore them. I can see her point on that, but my DC haven't voiced any concerns about her lack of involvement and they seem to prefer it (as do I) because of wildly differing parenting styles between her and DCs BM.

Therefore, my question is whether anyone has detached stepparented like this long term successfully?

Sorry for the ramble and happy to answer any questions!

How the heck would a joint dc be parented? And live where? With who?
Time to rethink the whole relationship imo.

A joint DC would live with her, and it's apparently an "option" but that's where I'm at. I can see it work without a joint DC. I'm really struggling to see it working with one.

Sounds like she's either jealous that your DC is the youngest or she doesn't like them. I think you need to end it.

Your being asked to be a sperm and financial donor tbh

I'm struggling to see this work full stop when she wants nothing to do with your children

You cannot under any sane circumstances have any kind of cohabitation with a woman who has these feelings about your youngest DC. There is no form of healthy blended future here for your children.

Going from parenting one child to step parenting (in any capacity) more is a big leap.

I’ve done it and it takes a huge amount of adjustment. It’s been really hard at times, for a multitude of reasons.

I honestly don’t see how you can continue this relationship, if she doesn’t even want to try and from what you’ve said, she doesn’t.

Don't you feel protective over your youngest when she talks this way and feel like you don't want to be around someone like this?

Sounds like she doesn't know wtf she wants, I'd either call it a day or leave all the kids completely out of it and just have an adults only relationship. Don't have a bloody baby with her.

It sounds like she’s telling you that it’s not going to work for her. But you don’t seem
to be hearing that.

She doesn’t want to live separately from
a partner, but she doesn’t want to live with you and your children.

She wants to have another baby but doesn’t see how that could possibly work with the rest of the situation.

my advice would be to agree with her that, however much you might like each other as individuals, your lives don’t fit and it would be best if you went your separate ways.

It would be a disaster if you had a child with this woman. She doesn't like your youngest, or even want to like him/her. You've got 4 between you anyway! The world isn't short of people. This woman's bad news!

It's not going to work x

It is over. Cut your losses now.

She's shown you who she is and been explicit about this. I think that's worth listening to and then moving on. It would be cruel to your own DC to continue with this. (For context I made this error with an ex, though he was less explicit about having an issue with my DS in the early days. The consequences for me were awful in the coming years and I regret how complicated this made my DS's home life... and mine, being stuck in the middle of it.) Be thankful she has told you. Then end it.

This is why I'm quite sympathetic to her. She has genuinely tried, and I do think @RandomMess, there is possibly some truth in your jealousy comment. My youngest DC is 5, but we tried the group of 6 when she was 3. I felt that a lot of it was down to toddlers being a little annoying at times! (Different when its your own!) and time/DC growing up would make it easier but it hasn't seemed to.

My living arrangements are that I'm having to move in with family due to the interest rates, and sell my home, so it's become easier to stay with her when my DC are with their BM.

@SemperIdem how did you get through it?

She don't sound that nice from what u have said if I was you I would end it full stop and defo don't have a baby with her it's sounds to me she wants you all to herself and nothing to do with ur dc which I think is wrong you and ur DC come as a package and if she's doesn't like that then that's her problem it's like she wants everything her way or the highway get rid

She's making no sense - she "doesn't want to go through that stage of development again" and yet wants another child?

I would take a massive step back, this is not a nice stable situation for your kids, or a potential new baby.

Honestly OP you cannot procreate with this person. it would be insane, it doesn't even make sense. she doesn't want to go through that age again but wants another child, as long as its not your previous DC.

She is being extremely unkind about your children and if this does continue they will notice and it will get worse. cut your losses.

Why don't you have any protective instincts for your child?

That is largely the discussion that takes place between us. She's had experience of dating someone before me with older DC (the same age as my eldest DC), and been fine with it to the point of being comfortable with them staying overnight in her home. She's also been explicit that it's isolated to my DD (youngest)

I stay at hers and living with me doesn't seem to be a concern either.

@sunsetoranges - yes, quite often. I don't see what my DD has done.

The responses sound pretty unanimous though.

Honestly? With patience and a real desire for it to work.

I knew my partner had 3 children when I met him but knowing and experiencing are not the same thing at all. I often think it would be so much easier if my step children lived with us full time. Differing parenting styles can be very problematic.

There have been testing times, and no doubt there will be more in the future.

I’ve been quite firm with boundaries and expectations from the start. I grew up with a (fantastic) step parent myself so have quite firm views on forcing a nuclear family template on a blended family. Blended families need time to blend, it cannot be forced.

It is in theory fine that she finds your youngest challenging - children can be, whether they are your own or not. I think, by token of her finding them challenging but wanting another child with you, that she thinks your ex isn’t a very good parent.

Whatever the reason for this: it cannot work. You must prioritise your children here. She is not sounding “lovely” she sounds like she is subverting your relationship with your DC. Her feelings may have all kinds of psychological justifications on her part, but your priorities are clear; YOUR DC.

This relationship will not work. I’m sorry. Move on.

What I suspect she means, but is trying to phrase politely, is that she finds your youngest hard work and doesn't particularly want to spend time with them.

It doesn't really matter though because as a parent you need to prioritise your DC and it's obvious (and indeed she's telling you!) that this situation isn't really going to work.

Everything @SemperIdem put

It is in theory fine that she finds your youngest challenging - children can be, whether they are your own or not. I think, by token of her finding them challenging but wanting another child with you, that she thinks your ex isn’t a very good parent.

Especially that last line. You mentioned very different parenting styles. If she disliked all your kids fine she's not cut out to be a step parent, but disliking one child points to something more nusanced than that iMO. Whether you want to explore that way of thinking will depend on whether you even like her enough to try.

The problem is that differences in parenting styles can come to wreck havoc. It's not so much if mums influence doesn't boil over into dads house, but it matters a great deal if it does. Because for instance mum allows kids to stay up until 2am and then get to dads and think same thing here. Dad doesn't mind them staying up until crack head o clock but then also doesn't getting so annoyed at dealing with irritable toddler in the mornings as you have your dad glasses on.

You will have to excuse me for saying this but are you quite a permissive person ? This can be a problem if actually there are issues that need to be addressed and your just going with what mum says for east life.

Regardless I'm unsure if this has legs tbh

I think she's told you that actually there's a personality clash here with your Dc. It happens in nuclear families but most don't get the option to press the eject button.

I personally am a massive fan of the eject seat button but i do that with family regardless and it's caused all types of waves so 🤷🏼‍♀️

To be fair, she's not step parenting if you don't even live together so I'm struggling to see what she's on about. But living together doesn't ever sound like an option. There's only one year's difference between your kids - I can't see how much of a difference in terms of the stages of their lives?

As someone who has struggled with step parenting myself, I can't help but think that she's talking complete rubbish.

I worry its deeper, and probably more a difficulty with the commitment or becoming attached.