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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step Children calling me mum

82 replies

242AROUTLE01 · 04/05/2023 14:05

Hi,

My partner met his ex when she had a 9 month old. Then had a relationship for 3 years and had another child. Due to multiple reasons they broke up. The mother of both children moved back to Merseyside and left the kids and my partner with the kids. Eventually the court decided that my partner has a live with order for both children (1 not being biologically his). The mum sees them 2 weekends a month, therefore I have essentially adopted her role. She does not pay anything for the girls. I met my partner 2 years ago, and my partner and the girls moved into my house 7 months ago. We are very happy.

Their mum keeps interfering through the children and social services. Accusing my partner of abusing the girls etc. Now their mum seems to be targeting me. The girls had never had their hair cut at a hairdressers, so I took them as they wanted to go. Their mum cut the eldest's a fringe a week later even when she had not cut her hair before. The mum cut the youngest's hair the 2nd time I took them to the hairdressers saying the hair is 4 lengths, that the hairdressers was not a qualified hairdresser and that if they don't grow their hair long then she will bin their favourite bobbles and hair accessories. So the girls have said they want their hair long. For the past 3 months both girls have started to call me mum and mummy, I have not once told them to call me those terms it has been completely child led. They told their mum they now call me mum, their mum has firmly told them that I am not their mum and should not listen to me. We tried to reassure the girls but their mum is toxic and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ChatterMonkey · 04/05/2023 14:09

I think you should discourage them from calling you mum, with their own mum still in contact (every second weekend is fairly standard nrp access so its not like shes abandoned them), its overstepping to be called mum i think.

How about coming up with a name they can use for you, thats different to mum, but special to you?

Dontbelieveaword · 04/05/2023 14:10

How old are DC?
The fact they are calling you mum is not child-led if you and DP are not correcting them that you are not their mum - that's adult-led.
What's the relevance of where mum lives?

Original poster
242AROUTLE01 · 04/05/2023 14:20

When they started calling me it more and more, I said it is up to you what you call me but you do know that 'name' is your actual mum and they say they know but I feel you're like a mum.

We live in Scotland, long way from their mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
242AROUTLE01 · 04/05/2023 14:21

what does DC stand for

OP posts:
Dontbelieveaword · 04/05/2023 14:22

So you are letting them call you mum regardless of their own mum's wishes, so it's adult-led.
Still don't understand relevance of where their real mum lives. Is this an English/Scottish difference in law I'm missing here?

Reugny · 04/05/2023 14:22

DC = dear child or dear children

toomuchlaundry · 04/05/2023 14:22

How old are they? Where is the dad of the oldest child?

Original poster
242AROUTLE01 · 04/05/2023 14:24

Their mum only disclosed her wishes last week when the girls told her what they had been calling me. Since then we have chatted with the girls.

I don't believe the girls should be told not to listen to me just because I'm not their mum though.

girls are 6 and 9

OP posts:
Original poster
242AROUTLE01 · 04/05/2023 14:25

dad of the oldest child is in Poland, contacts eldest once every 2 years ish

OP posts:
Reugny · 04/05/2023 14:26

toomuchlaundry · 04/05/2023 14:22

How old are they? Where is the dad of the oldest child?

Your question is not relevant to the OP's point.

In some circumstances if both parents aren't available to look after a child then a step-parent will be made a carer of them.

Scottishskifun · 04/05/2023 14:31

I think your doing everything right you aren't asking they have chosen to refer to you as mum and you have stated this. It's their choice as children.

Their mum left them just because a female doesn't mean its acceptable thing to do.

Keep stating to them it's their choice what they wish to do and they are their own people.

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 14:32

ChatterMonkey · 04/05/2023 14:09

I think you should discourage them from calling you mum, with their own mum still in contact (every second weekend is fairly standard nrp access so its not like shes abandoned them), its overstepping to be called mum i think.

How about coming up with a name they can use for you, thats different to mum, but special to you?

I would say she has largely abandoned the eldest at least - it's not standard for them to end up with their step parent as primary caregiver.

Original poster
242AROUTLE01 · 04/05/2023 14:33

thank you, if I am honest that is exactly the reassurance I needed to hear.

Step mums and dads get called dad frequently, the girls know my name. I am honoured they even think of me as a mum but must trust and feel such a way towards me.

OP posts:
Reugny · 04/05/2023 14:35

I don't believe the girls should be told not to listen to me just because I'm not their mum though.

You can't control their mother's actions and words.

You can control your own.

So when they repeat horrible stuff their mother has said to them give a neutral response and change the subject.

Dontbelieveaword · 04/05/2023 14:35

242AROUTLE01 · 04/05/2023 14:24

Their mum only disclosed her wishes last week when the girls told her what they had been calling me. Since then we have chatted with the girls.

I don't believe the girls should be told not to listen to me just because I'm not their mum though.

girls are 6 and 9

So they already have a mum, said mum has expressed a preference that her DC don't call you mum, you tell DC they can call you mum if they want and you're of strong and adamant opinion that birth mum should not be allowed to tell her own DC that you are not their mum. But you're asking advice because you don't know what to do? I'm confused.

SeulementUneFois · 04/05/2023 14:36

Side point: if it was the other way around everyone would be rushing to tell you to go to CMS.
Evidence of the pro mum / anti father & stepmother bias on MN (and sadly in life,).

DucksNewburyport · 04/05/2023 14:36

You sound brilliant and I have loads of respect for you, but I do think you should discourage them from calling you mum.

Original poster
242AROUTLE01 · 04/05/2023 14:37

thank you x

OP posts:
throwaway201809 · 04/05/2023 14:37

Definitely get a claim in with CMS so that their Mum is providing for them financially

BreviloquentBastard · 04/05/2023 14:39

SeulementUneFois · 04/05/2023 14:36

Side point: if it was the other way around everyone would be rushing to tell you to go to CMS.
Evidence of the pro mum / anti father & stepmother bias on MN (and sadly in life,).

I was just thinking this. If this was a bloke who'd run off and left his children with his ex partner, one of whom isn't even the ex's biological child, he'd be being absolutely eviscerated. One of those girls is literally living with and being raised by two step parents because both her bio parents bailed on her, but god forbid she call the person who is raising her "mum".

Skybluepinky · 04/05/2023 14:41

They should be using yr name not calling u mum, no wonder their mum is causing issues.

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 14:41

I was just thinking this. If this was a bloke who'd run off and left his children with his ex partner, one of whom isn't even the ex's biological child, he'd be being absolutely eviscerated. One of those girls is literally living with and being raised by two step parents because both her bio parents bailed on her, but god forbid she call the person who is raising her "mum".

Yes I agree. She's really done a number on that eldest child, who should be able to take whatever comfort she needs from feeling like she actually has "parents" looking after her. Instead, her biological mum's feelings are being prioritised.

Reugny · 04/05/2023 14:42

Skybluepinky · 04/05/2023 14:41

They should be using yr name not calling u mum, no wonder their mum is causing issues.

Their mother should have fucked off and looked after them properly then.

The children are calling the OP "mum" and "mummy" because she is actually behaving like a mother to them.

Reugny · 04/05/2023 14:42

Sorry "should not have"

Reugny · 04/05/2023 14:45

@Dontbelieveaword there is nothing to be confused about.

While it isn't common sometimes both parents disappear or are very unreliable, meaning that a step-parent steps in and parents their step-child. The step-parent then gets a spouse or partner, and that person becomes the child/ren's other parent.