Step Children calling me mum

[242AROUTLE01]

Hi,

My partner met his ex when she had a 9 month old. Then had a relationship for 3 years and had another child. Due to multiple reasons they broke up. The mother of both children moved back to Merseyside and left the kids and my partner with the kids. Eventually the court decided that my partner has a live with order for both children (1 not being biologically his). The mum sees them 2 weekends a month, therefore I have essentially adopted her role. She does not pay anything for the girls. I met my partner 2 years ago, and my partner and the girls moved into my house 7 months ago. We are very happy.

Their mum keeps interfering through the children and social services. Accusing my partner of abusing the girls etc. Now their mum seems to be targeting me. The girls had never had their hair cut at a hairdressers, so I took them as they wanted to go. Their mum cut the eldest's a fringe a week later even when she had not cut her hair before. The mum cut the youngest's hair the 2nd time I took them to the hairdressers saying the hair is 4 lengths, that the hairdressers was not a qualified hairdresser and that if they don't grow their hair long then she will bin their favourite bobbles and hair accessories. So the girls have said they want their hair long. For the past 3 months both girls have started to call me mum and mummy, I have not once told them to call me those terms it has been completely child led. They told their mum they now call me mum, their mum has firmly told them that I am not their mum and should not listen to me. We tried to reassure the girls but their mum is toxic and I don't know what to do.

On MN it's all about the children, forgetting that the mum is a person too, when it comes to sleep deprivation, child on parent abuse etc etc. Mothers are just considered support humans with their needs and wants to be all subordinated to the child's.

Until there's a stepmother and then it's all about the mum and kids, with the stepmother barely a human, just a support human to them.

Oh the joys.

The OP is being a mother - the woman who abandoned her kids doesn’t get prioritised here. Let the kids call her what they are comfortable with.

Let them call you mum, you’re more of a mum than their biological parent

Just out of interest, what does the eldest call your DP. If it's Dad, then the precedent for giving the step parent a parental name is already there.

the youngest has eczema and has no skin issues when she lives at home, but everytime she goes to her mums on the weekend or a holiday she comes back with rashes. Their mum leaves them in front of the tv and when her partner asks to take them out she says no they are staying in.

I am 24, never lived with kids. But since living as a unit the girls have gone from not being able to swim or ride their bikes to being able to 6 months on. Progressing so much in school and both of their behaviour has come along. I treat them like my own, I just want to feel appreciated for everything I do for them and I believe their mum should be grateful that her children are being brought up healthy and well.

yes she calls him dad

Would your DP have a problem if DC started calling birth mum's DP 'dad'?

Ma, Mama, Mother, Mammy, Mam, Mummy Clare (your first name)

these are all possibles.

i don’t think you and the girls are doing anything wrong here, but one of these might save aggro?

no, the eldest said she is writing him a father's day card.

I understand how life works @Reugny. But birth mum is still on the scene and is committed to regular contact, which the courts and SS are obviously supporting.
If birth mum had been given residency but dad still had regular weekend contact with DC, would it be OK for birth mum's new partner (who have only been living together for 7 months) to insist on being called 'dad' against birth dad's wishes?

Couldn’t agree more. I’m always hearing phrases like ‘My dad is the person who raised me, he’s just the sperm donor’ in reference to step-dads who have stepped up to the plate. The children want to call OP mum. They’ve already been effectively abandoned by their birth mother, I doubt it’ll be good for them to feel rejected by the woman raising them.

The OP isn't insisting on being called "mum" or "mummy" the children are calling her that.

In the culture I was brought up in, it is common for children to call an adult who they are closed to like a parent "mummy" or "daddy" [the adult's name]. This sometimes means the adult will be called "mummy" or "daddy".

Again this is child led.

It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job... but it might be less stressful all around (and especially for them) if they did call you something different. It must be very hard when it comes from them though. You could offer up some other names etc. which they could pick from. They are only tiny and might not realise there are other options. A friend who is a stepmum is called 'Mimmy'.

@Reugny you're obviously being obtuse about the whole thing so not worth the back and forth of trying to have a sensible conversation. Let's agree to disagree.

My 6 year old stepdaughter asked if she could call me mum. I took it as her wanting to please me.

I said it was so lovely that she felt she could but that she already had a mum and her mum might feel sad about her calling someone else mum, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t have a very special relationship calling me LightDrizzle.

I really think you should have done similar. You are not their mum, however much better a mum you think you might have been.

the youngest has eczema and has no skin issues when she lives at home, but everytime she goes to her mums on the weekend or a holiday she comes back with rashes. Their mum leaves them in front of the tv and when her partner asks to take them out she says no they are staying in.

You cannot control this so don't waste your energy on it. Just start showing the girls how to help the youngest with her bathing and skin ointments. They may then be able to replicate it when at their mother's

I treat them like my own, I just want to feel appreciated for everything I do for them and I believe their mum should be grateful that her children are being brought up healthy and well.

She definitely won't as she still clearly thinks her children should live with her. Don't waste your energy thinking about this.

You can't control what other people say on how they act. You can only control how you react to it. Kids aren't stupid and generally can work out what's right and wrong.

We have my DSD5 just over 50%. I've been in her life for 2.5 years and have an active parenting role in her life. She knows I'm not her mum and her mum is active in her life. DH explained to her what a stepmum was etc. She calls me by my name but will say she has 2 mum's. I'd do what others have suggested and pick another name for them to call you.

My DSDs mum is very high conflict and has made remarks to DSD about me and my DH. She's told DSD that I wasn't allowed to plait her hair, that the inhalers we were giving her that were prescribed by the doctor we're making her sick and god knows what else. DH and I have never spoken badly about her mum Infront of her but will correct any lies her mum tells her in a diplomatic way and without insulting her mum. We explain everything in a way she understands rather than just making statements. You're doing the right thing by not shit talking their mum. Some mum's Will just never be happy and will always try to cause problems but the girls will see through it and ultimately know who is there for them.

You aren’t their mum. You should discourage it. They have one mum and it’s not you. Listen to you, yes. Call you mum, no. I sat in a court room just a few weeks ago where a judge stated exactly that so be aware if she raises it in court that’s what you will be told.

My dc have called me a variety of mother words over the years. It changed according to terms they heard their friends using. Now that they’re teens I get called motherrrr when they’re annoyed or embarrassed.

As a child I called my childminder what her own dc called her because I assumed it was her name. It was very slightly different from what I called my mum.

I understand why names get so fraught in SM situations but I think these are adults’ issues and the dc are just doing what dc do and experimenting to figure out the boundaries and relationships with their adults

What do they call their mother?

No. They should not call you Mum. You should actively discourage that, talk about what a nice relationship you have and how much you adore them, but you are YourName, not Mum.

Why?

1. You are 24 and 7 months into living with your partner. In challenging circumstances. You may well go on to have a beautiful, lifelong partnership with this man. I hope so. But you may not, and that's okay, but not if it means those dc losing 'Mum'. It's an emotional minefield and should be avoided for their sake and for your sake (You in 2025: I want to ask my partner to move out but his dc call me Mum and it would break them).

1. One child is not biologically or even legally related to either you or your partner. The mother is an unstable presence. That child could be taken from your home at any time, and then they would lose 'mum' even while going to live with their actual Mum.

1. You are inexperienced with children, but very well-meaning. You sound completely lovely and touchingly devoted to the dc. But you as the adult need to consider their best interest from all angles.

And, yeah, their Mum should be paying CMS. The legal situation of the elder child should be legalised if necessary.

No I'm not being obtuse about the whole thing.

I actually know people of different ages who were brought up by a step-parent. Some saw their parent(s) while others didn't. What the then children chose to call that step-parent and other people around them was up to them.

If you are incapable of parenting your child so that other people have to do so, then you shouldn't be surprised if they form bonds with those people and want to call them "mum" and "dad".

@ThatOnePlease It's been to the Family Court so there will be an order legalising the father/step-father's position.

The OP needs to marry/be in a civil partnership to legalise her position.

I think it’s lovely that the children call you Mum. If you’ve not encouraged it, then it’s so nice that they think enough of you to call you Mum. If you’ve spoken to them about it and they are happy - then go for it.
As long as you know that ‘officially’ you are not their Mum, I don’t see a problem. There are many family situations going on in the world and if 2 little girls feel safe and cared for enough to call you Mum, then that’s awesome.

This. Well said.

I think we’ve found the “real” mum.

Dear @242AROUTLE01 , it sounds like you’re doing a lovely, balanced job and the name is completely child led. Hope you feel happy :-)