Step Children calling me mum

[242AROUTLE01]

Hi,

My partner met his ex when she had a 9 month old. Then had a relationship for 3 years and had another child. Due to multiple reasons they broke up. The mother of both children moved back to Merseyside and left the kids and my partner with the kids. Eventually the court decided that my partner has a live with order for both children (1 not being biologically his). The mum sees them 2 weekends a month, therefore I have essentially adopted her role. She does not pay anything for the girls. I met my partner 2 years ago, and my partner and the girls moved into my house 7 months ago. We are very happy.

Their mum keeps interfering through the children and social services. Accusing my partner of abusing the girls etc. Now their mum seems to be targeting me. The girls had never had their hair cut at a hairdressers, so I took them as they wanted to go. Their mum cut the eldest's a fringe a week later even when she had not cut her hair before. The mum cut the youngest's hair the 2nd time I took them to the hairdressers saying the hair is 4 lengths, that the hairdressers was not a qualified hairdresser and that if they don't grow their hair long then she will bin their favourite bobbles and hair accessories. So the girls have said they want their hair long. For the past 3 months both girls have started to call me mum and mummy, I have not once told them to call me those terms it has been completely child led. They told their mum they now call me mum, their mum has firmly told them that I am not their mum and should not listen to me. We tried to reassure the girls but their mum is toxic and I don't know what to do.

Yeah, as I said, deliberately obtuse.
I've said I'll agree to disagree with you so why keep tagging and commenting? I don't agree with you, you don't agree with me. Fine. Move on

I think it is probably in the best interests of the DC not to call you mum.

1. It is going to cause tensions with their mum.
2. You are only 24 and have been with their DF for 2 years. You have no legal or biological relationship with the girls, no parental responsibility. Relationships don't always last. You would have no legal right to stay in contact with the girls if you split up. As awful as it would be for the girls if that happened, psychologically, I think it would be even worse to lose another "mum".

Can you come up with an alternative special nickname?

@Keepingthingsinteresting the 'real' mum being a 24 year old who has been living with them for 7 months?
OK sure, let's go with that

Let the kids decide. It's very hard being that child at the school gates calling someone by their first name when everyone else has their mum there. It makes you different and you have to explain that your mum doesn't live with you (they think your weird that your mum abandoned you) or your mum is dead (pitying stares from other grown ups and questions from children, how, why, when). They obviously want to be the same as everyone else and they see you as a mother figure. It's about them not you or their birth mum who has shockingly abandoned them.

This is always a really tough one because essentially you want to make the children's wishes feel like they are being listened to but ultimately they DO still have their biological mother in the picture. It would be completely different if she had abandoned them or had passed away, then I would completely get it.
Mum has told you her express wish and I do think you should respect that, but the kids could call you "mummy 242AROUTLE01" or something equivalent.
For what it's worth, I do have lots of respect for step mums like you, but it is very difficult when the children still have their mother in the picture.

Why can't the children call the woman who is caring for them mum? Their mum has left them, one with their father and one with step father, so I don't see why her wishes are more important than the childrens. Children often want to be like their friends so if their friends live mum and dad it probably feels right to them.

The OP hasn't said she's insisting, she's going with what the children want.

My little brother was 7 when we got a step father. When he asked to call him dad he gave a message almost exactly like yours. My brother was devastated. To him it was a massive rejection, he didn't hear the flowery stuff, he just heard rejection.

I can't speak for your school gate experience - but at our school having Mum pick you up is a minority situation. No one, least of all other dc, would think the OP's situation or calling a carer by their name is unusual or deserving of pity.

Here we go again, you must love and treat them as your own but you are NOT their mum and don’t you dare forget it (unless mum or dad want you to run around after their offspring in which case you’re a step PARENT don’t you know, how dare you say they’re not your responsibility🙄

You sound lovely. What do the girls call your DH? One isn't their (biological) dad if that's what they call him. It sounds like he was allowed to take the roll despite not being related so why can't you have a role if that's what the girls want, perhaps mum in a different language or a name you can get DC to invent to represent the role you play in their lives would work for you.
Why isn't she paying child support either? Yes mums can leave as well as dads but neither usually leave a child that isn't biologically the exes with them and not pay any maintenance. The mum seems to want all the power without the hardship that comes with parenting. I presume the parent in Poland isn't paying support either.

I'm not saying that she should love them and treat them as her own. It's more than enough that she likes them and treats them well. They have a Dad and a Mum.

The OP has been living with the children for 7 months. For her sake and the dc's, she should avoid the title Mum for now and let Dad do the vast majority of childcare.

OK everybody, I'm not the only one who doesn't agree with someone who has been in a child's life for such a short period of time, at such a young age letting SDC calling them mum when birth mum is still in their lives (being supported by SS and awarded contact by court) and would prefer another woman not to be called mum, but I seem to be the only one to be getting called out. I'm entitled to my opinion and just because you tag me and question my POV in a passive aggressive manner, I'm not going to suddenly change my mind OK? I don't have to defend my opinion every step of the way. You're all acting as if I'm the only person on the whole thread to have this opinion. You have your opinion, I'll have mine.

@SeulementUneFois agree.

treated like shit however you have your babies. Feel sorry for alot of step mums

I’m work with vulnerable children, whenever they call a foster carer mum/dad it is never discouraged even if the biological parents are on the scene.
It is whatever makes the children comfortable, the children may decide to stop calling you mum they may not, let the children lead when it comes to this.

Got to agree with this. As hard as it is, try not to worry too much about their mum.

My DSD has eczema. It's always been her dad and I who have gone to the doctor about it. I even got duplicates of the creams prescribed by the doctor so her mum could have one too but she never uses it and DSDs skin always flares up when she's been there. DH has tried to talk to his ex about it on a couple of occasions but she simply doesn't care and nothing changes so we just have to do our best while she's with us. It's wasted energy getting worked up about something we can't control.

Does the mum have the required creams? Could you maybe suggest she uses the same laundry detergent etc?

Yes, it makes sense that a parent would be glad and grateful that their kids are loved and well looked after but unfortunately that's not always the case. I've tried to make sense of some of the stuff my DSDs mum has said and done and again it's wasted energy. One minute I'm not allowed at her dance show and I'm just the babysitter and the next I'm being asked to look after her for a week on my own because DH was out of the country due to his brother dying and her mum was too busy.

It tends to be parents who aren't particularly great parents that cause problems. They probably feel threatened and embarrassed that someone not biologically related to their kids is doing a better job than they are. If you're a good mum you wouldn't feel threatened by a SM.

I'm in 2 minds about them calling you mum. On one hand I'm for it. You do all the hard work and they obviously feel that you are a mum to them. It would be a shame to discourage it at the risk of them feeling rejected when they've already been somewhat rejected by their biological parent/s. On the other hand it's still very early days in your relationship with them. And although I don't think the mother should be pandered to and get what she wants just because she says so, sometimes you need to pick your battles and avoid conflict as much as possible. It's a tough one.

I'd maybe speak to them and explain that you are delighted they want to call you mum and if that's what they're comfortable with then they can, but explain why that might be upsetting for their mum to hear. The are old enough to understand this. Then if the mum makes any comments about it again then they'll understand why, and perhaps understand that some of the things mum says about you is because she is upset by this. They may even avoid telling mum about it.

Really? One child is being raised by 2 parents who are not biologically hers.
Mum should be damn grateful others are taking on responsibilities that are hers n her ex ptnrs.
She doesn't even pay anything for either child.
SHE IS THEIR MOTHER (the op)

They both call him dad.

She just refused, in the process of going through child maintenance to get it sorted.

Found out today that the mum has told the eldest to not listen to me, their dad, teachers and her partner (for some reason). The eldest dropped to the floor saying she is scared her mum will find out. Social services is being called tomorrow, so worried about her,

If you are not married to your partner, you really are their dad's girlfriend. If you broke up tomorrow or next year you would likely as not never see the children again.
It is not a good idea for these children to call you mum. You should gently explain that while you love them, they have a mum.

MN is so biased. If this was about a man the responses would be so different. This mother has left one of her children with two people who aren't her parents. I assume the older child calls the partner dad so how is this any different to calling OP mum? They have both taken on a parent role when their biological parents sound pretty absent. 4 days a month does not a mother make. If is child led if they have explained she has a mum but the child has replied I know but you feel like my mum. What do people actually suggest you to that? Mum can get mad all she likes but it sounds to me like she knows she isn't active enough in their lives and is doing these petty things like cutting their hair to try and make you cause a row.

You sound lovely OP, but

• you're very young
• you're in a fairly new relationship
• you've only lived with these children for a few months
• you're dad's girlfriend at the moment

Being someone's mum is a huge, lifelong commitment. These little girls have already been let down by the mums and dads in their lives. You're another person coming in, and playing this role - I hope you are prepared to do it forever.

thank you for this response. Today we found out by the school that her mum has told the eldest not to listen to the teachers, their dad, me and their mum's partner (strangely) and she dropped to the floor saying she is scared of her mum finding out as she will go mad. It is a horrid position to be in as I have no legal part of the kids lives yet their mum is making it so so hard. I believe the eldest is scared of her mum

Agreed! She can call you mum and dad if she wants, you're the parents who are actually looking after her.

I don’t doubt you want what’s best for them. Fwiw I was also raised by family members who were not my parents. I was raised by them from being 2 and my parents have never had much to do with my life. I didn’t call them mum and dad though because they weren’t, and did not encourage it. We used something different instead. Didn’t change who they were to me.

I’m also supporting a mum on the other side of this coin and I know exactly what the other party are saying about her, none of it true, and it makes her sound like a nightmare. The court has already said that her child being allowed to continue to call step mum ‘mum’ despite mums objections and court instruction is tantamount to parental alienation.

Obviously the mum in your story sounds like a horror but I’m sure people are saying the same about my relative - if only they knew what was actually being said in court, as social services and all the professionals have shown her ex and his partner to be liars over and over, but it’s been ordered confidential. My relative is being dragged through the mud by a man who abused her and is now using their child to continue abusing her and we can’t even tell anyone the truth. It’s not always as simple as ‘she’s raising her so she’s mum’.

Mum does not get a say in what they call you. Yes it may be hurtful to her but she just has to get over it. Can your DH ask for supervised contact for her?