Step Children calling me mum

[242AROUTLE01]

Hi,

My partner met his ex when she had a 9 month old. Then had a relationship for 3 years and had another child. Due to multiple reasons they broke up. The mother of both children moved back to Merseyside and left the kids and my partner with the kids. Eventually the court decided that my partner has a live with order for both children (1 not being biologically his). The mum sees them 2 weekends a month, therefore I have essentially adopted her role. She does not pay anything for the girls. I met my partner 2 years ago, and my partner and the girls moved into my house 7 months ago. We are very happy.

Their mum keeps interfering through the children and social services. Accusing my partner of abusing the girls etc. Now their mum seems to be targeting me. The girls had never had their hair cut at a hairdressers, so I took them as they wanted to go. Their mum cut the eldest's a fringe a week later even when she had not cut her hair before. The mum cut the youngest's hair the 2nd time I took them to the hairdressers saying the hair is 4 lengths, that the hairdressers was not a qualified hairdresser and that if they don't grow their hair long then she will bin their favourite bobbles and hair accessories. So the girls have said they want their hair long. For the past 3 months both girls have started to call me mum and mummy, I have not once told them to call me those terms it has been completely child led. They told their mum they now call me mum, their mum has firmly told them that I am not their mum and should not listen to me. We tried to reassure the girls but their mum is toxic and I don't know what to do.

I can understand that the children want to call you 'mum'. I think that's up to them.

I think you have to pick your battles because she's clearly toxic and will use the children as pawns to score points off you.
I think calling step mum another endearing name is a better idea than mum/mummy

You are their Mum when you get their meals, wash their clothes, get them ready for school and read them bedtime stories OP. Their birth Mum did abandon her eldest child and left a step parent to raise her. I don't see anything wrong with the children calling you Mum or Mummy. To these children you are that person.

I'm a Foster Parent and my Foster Son who has lived with us for 11 years and is now 16 calls us by first names at home but Mum/Dad when at school/outside house so he does not stand out from his friends. He buys me a Mother's Day card and little gift too. It is his choice.

You sound like you are doing a great job but like others I don't think they should call you mum, especially if it's going to cause problems.
My step grandmother was called Mume by everyone my mum, my uncle and aunts, her in laws and grandchildren.
Obviously this was started by my mum and her siblings as their mum was still alive. I think you should find a special name for the girls to call you.

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Go to CMS for mum to pay towards their care.

If you were step dad being called dad, people would be saying 'nothing wrong with it, their dad left them and only sees twice a month, not surprised they call you dad'

Change dad for mum in that sentence and that's the response you should get. By all accounts other than biology you are their mum, if that's how they see it that's perfectly fine. Their mum shouldn't have gone so far and cut contact so much if she didn't want someone else filling in for her role 95% of the time.

Not sure why the girls should be discouraged from calling her mum.

It’s about them - they deserve a Mum and to feel safe, secure and happy. Their upbringing and emotional well being should come first regardless of if that hurts the feelings of the woman who gave birth to them and later lost custody.

They need and want a Mum, looks like that’s you.