Why are there so few threads about issues with Step Dads

[Talon01]

Just interested. I understand that this is mainly a female site but the statistics I think show approx 90% of kids post separation live with Mom primarily in the UK (or Mom is seen as primary carer ).

Yet there's so few threads talking about issues of step Dad and the kids. It's all about the kids that come to Dad's every other weekend or whatever the arrangement is.

Doesn't go to the activity that should say*

Yep. Women can’t win. Too loving and they are overstepping and disrespectful of the bio mum. Not loving enough and they are cold witches trying to oust the SC. SM have to be loving to the point of martyrdom but expect no say in how the household is run with respect to the dsc and lord help them if they think of reprimanding them in anyway. Oh and they have to step up and take what ‘they signed up for’ when some event or care required is inconvenient for mum or dad

Because stepdads are not expected to carry the mental load/do life admin/organise family logistics.

There's also other things too, for example I've seen it said plenty of times on here that it's much easier to see and accept SC as your own if their other parent isn't around (or is around minimally), as we all know most absent parents are dad's meaning step dad's are more likely to be in a position where their SC don't, or rarely, see their dad making it easier for him to accept and take over that role. In many SMs case, there is an active mother involved who 9 times out of 10 would rather you didn't exist and certainly would rather you didn't try and take over any mothering. Then people complain when a SM doesn't feel the same way as she does about her own DC as if that's surprising.

Nothing to do with it being exhausting. In fact, I think in a lot of cases those dads who have EOW contact are more likely to dump the hard work onto the stepmum because they'll want to be the fun Disney dad since he only seems them a few days a month. Stepmum will be left picking up after the kids because fun dad can't possibly ask his little darlings to pick up after themselves or do chores.

I also think in the case of EOW, the mum tends to scrutinise things more because, that's not their normal routine, that's not what she feeds them bla bla bla. There's probably a bit of resentment that he gets to do the fun stuff but none of the day to day hard work of parenting.

In terms of 50:50 arrangements, it's definitely getting more common and I know plenty of families with that set up including my own. We actually have my DSC just over 50%.

In my case I generally have no complaints about being a SM and I'm very hands on. My main issue is a high conflict ex.

Another reason why there's maybe less posts about stepdads. Bit of a generalisation, but I think women tend to compare themselves to other women more than men do with other men. I think there's more jealously involved between women and some women just love a bit of drama whereas men tend to avoid drama. So there would rarely be a case of a man postings derogatory comments about the stepdad on Facebook, making snidey remarks to the kids about him or nit picking at how he runs his home, what he cooks etc.

Tbh I think men just moan less. We will have to disagree but I don’t believe for one second step fathers do less than step mothers. Living with the child naturally means they will end up doing more. They just don’t moan about it constantly.

And if they weren't willing to do those things, then they should be entitled to moan about it.

But as I said before, they probably wouldn't be in the relationship if they weren't up for it, as they'd be aware it was going to be a massive feature all of the time.

Tbh I think men just moan less.

Maybe because the situation they are in isn’t anything to moan about? I know I keep banging on about lazy partners, but dads are notorious for being lazy in their second families whereas mums just aren’t.

Fancy moaning about kids you only see once a fortnight, same goes for step mums they knew what they was getting into 🤷🏻‍♀️

But stepmums don’t moan about the kids themselves. They moan about the situations involving the kids.

E.g. Dad works every Saturday and that’s when his kid has swimming lessons. Why can’t he just change his working hours and he take his kid to their lesson?
Or even worse, he’s in bed on Saturday morning and can’t be arsed taking his kid. What makes you think the stepmum will be rushing out of the door to take them in that situation?

Out of interest why are you contributing to this post?

If you work full time then once a fortnight is still half of each month’s quality downtime gone, spent running round after kids who aren’t even yours. Then the other weekends are often about catching up with mundane stuff so the DSC’s access weekends can be as pleasant for them as possible.

You believe that stepmums know what they are getting into but ironically your posts are a perfect illustration of having zero clue about how it pervades so many more aspects of your life than you could ever imagine until you’ve actually lived it.

Hahaha! The classic statement from someone with no experience of being a stepmum.

In that case, mum's should never be allowed to complain about their situation since they knew what they were getting into when they got pregnant.

I've actually seen threads on here from step mums saying they don't like their step children.

I think "contributing" is a generous word here.

And so what? People are allowed to not like other people. There's plenty of parents who don't like their own kids too.

Sometimes people don't like people, step children are people.

Would you say fancy moaning about your MIL who you see once a fortnight?

Because she’s obviously more clever than us stepmum thickos who aren’t allowed to moan about our relationships because our partner has kids. Whereas everyone on the Relationships board is worthy of support.

Totally agree with this.

Maybe that’s because of their behaviour though? It’s really really hard to like other people’s children when they are difficult children.

My dsc was wonderful so I liked them. But if they were horrible I wouldn’t have liked them. I just think it’s as simple as that. Some kids are just unlikable to people other than their parents.

*except their parents

that should say.

To actually address the point made in the OP “Yet there's so few threads talking about issues of step Dad and the kids” and subsequent posts minimising the effect of gender roles leading to expectations placed on step mums vs step dads. I think an equally valid question would be “where are all the threads from men complaining that despite both mum and dad working 90% of the housework and child related chores and mental load falls on them because their wife won’t pull their weight?”

My DSC’s mum is in a same-sex relationship therefore I got to see the stark contrast between what was expected of the new partner of a female parent as opposed to what was expected of me as the new partner of a male parent. Despite she and I both being women our experiences of step parenting have been hugely different.

People expect dads to be a waste of space, step dads even more so. They're considered amazing if they "babysit" periodically or remember the kids' extra curricular activities.

The bar is waaaaaaay lower.

And? I've actually seen threads on here from mums saying they don't like their own children. What is your point?

Yes there are some threads where step mothers may complain about the actual child themselves (I don't find that too horrifying tbh, EOW or not, not everyone is likeable children included) but 90% of the posts on here from step parents tend to be more about the situation than the children themselves, a difficult ex, a lazy partner leaving it to them, a Disney dad, children who haven't been taught basic house sharing etiquette etc... Of course people are allowed to moan about situations they find difficult/annoying, that's like practically the whole of MN

Difference is mums love their own children no matter what step mums don’t and most don’t ever love them so even if a mum dislikes her child she will still love that child unconditionally step mums despising their step child is completely different as there is no love there.