Why are there so few threads about issues with Step Dads

[Talon01]

Just interested. I understand that this is mainly a female site but the statistics I think show approx 90% of kids post separation live with Mom primarily in the UK (or Mom is seen as primary carer ).

Yet there's so few threads talking about issues of step Dad and the kids. It's all about the kids that come to Dad's every other weekend or whatever the arrangement is.

I didn’t love my dsc but it didn’t mean I despised them. It doesn’t have to be a love or hate thing.

So surely it makes it even less surprising that some step mothers may post from time to time about disliking their step child? Still not seeing your point.

The point I was making was that even mothers, who like you say have unconditional love for their children, dislike their own children sometimes (and post about it here!), therefore why would it be at all surprising that the occasional step parent would post the same thing about a kid who isn't even theirs?

Stepfathers either “help out” mothers or not - there’s little judgement about it either way unless they’re actually abusive. Even the posters here defending the stepfathers of their own children are listing things that are basic and not taking any sort of overall responsibility (which I don’t see an issue with, it’s just nothing special)

stepmothers are expected to facilitate “quality time” between father and child(ren), so removing burdens of housework and care from the father rather than asking him to take them on. If they don’t do this then they risk being accused of trying to alienate or exclude children

the “working harder” thing some posters have latched onto isn’t the point. It’s completely different expectations of behaviour

No your MIL who stays with you every fortnight and who you love like your own.

Oh ok you have a particular issue going on clearly

Another thing that has come into my head is maternity leave and that women are more likely to be working part time to care for their own children- this often gets seen as another reason as to why they should take on more of the care duties for their stepkids, 'oh well you're off then anyway so you can do school drop offs and pick ups and take them to their clubs and classes and look after them after school'. No one would be expected to care for someone else's children in the same way but stepmums are, stepdads aren't as likely to be in that position. I was arranging childcare for my stepkids just yesterday (yeah, that ends up on me because Ive been watching them up til now as Ive been off work but going back so need to find someone else to watch them before and after school a couple of days a week) but I'm pregnant and my own mum told me, 'ah well at least you only need it up until your mat leave because then you're off and can watch them'. Men aren't as likely to have that time and so it's another reason why that expectation isn't as likely to be placed on them.

God how annoying. I'd be telling their dad he needs to sort out the new childcare arrangement. Put it back into his hands.

This is an incredibly common topic. Mum's partner/dh and how they get along with her dc from a previous relationship.

Despise is not a synonym for dislike. Calm down.

There are tons, you're missing them.

Yeah I started with the school runs on mat leave because it felt logical as I was more flexible and I was grateful to DH for providing whilst I was on reduced pay. The issue is that becomes a precedent and it’s seen as an obligation and not a choice.

Yes this is another excellent point. More often than not it's women who stay at home with their children and people often think it's fine to just add in stepchildren to that too because 'why not'.

I'm yet to read a thread about a stepdad who is a SAHD to his step kids. Even in a house where there is mum, step dad and her kids from a previous relationship I am willing to bet that 99% of the time it's still the mum who does majority care for her children and is far more likely to be the one staying home to look after them. Step mothers aren't allowed to do that though unless they are happy to also take on 100% care for DSC too.

Considering very few fathers take any form of shared parental leave it isn't surprising that step-dads aren't involved in caring for their step-children in that way.

I think I've met and know about more step-grandfathers who have done this form of childcare than step-fathers.

The issue is that becomes a precedent and it’s seen as an obligation and not a choice

Another very comment theme here.

You can have a thread (and there are some running right now!) Where a step mother is being very obviously unfairly taken advantage of when it comes to her step children, who's husband (their father) is leaving absolutely everything to her and you'll have other women falling over themselves to berate her for daring to have an issue with it because WHAT ABOUT THE POOR CHILDREN, YOU CANT EXPECT THEM TO HE PARENTED BY THEIR OWN FATHER, HOW HORRIBLE. I have to avoid them sometimes because my eyes ache from rolling so hard.

Because there are no expectations of stepdads. A man only has to smile at his stepDC and he is considered a saint.

God forbid a woman smile at her own DC and not do the exact same smile at the exact same time to her DSC and she is a villain.

I'm yet to read a thread about a stepdad who is a SAHD to his step kids. Even in a house where there is mum, step dad and her kids from a previous relationship I am willing to bet that 99% of the time it's still the mum who does majority care for her children and is far more likely to be the one staying home to look after them. Step mothers aren't allowed to do that though unless they are happy to also take on 100% care for DSC too.

Completely agree. It generally works better when it's a mum and a step parent, because in so many ways the mum is probably the one doing the childcare anyway. So if they go on to have more children, it'll be them at home more, so them naturally doing everything for their older kids. It doesn't work as well when it's a dad and a step mum and the step mum is the one at home. It invites tension.

The flip side, of course, is that when a mum is at home with shared younger children, it's likely to be the step dad providing financially. But if that's a bone of contention it will likely be ironed out before it becomes in an issue, it's not going to be a situation where a mum keeps trying to push an unwilling stepdad to pay for her older kids clothes and hobbies, he'll either have already agreed to it, or not. Whereas you DO get dad's continually trying to push an unwilling step mum to provide childcare for his older kids.

The flip side, of course, is that when a mum is at home with shared younger children, it's likely to be the step dad providing financially. But if that's a bone of contention it will likely be ironed out before it becomes in an issue, it's not going to be a situation where a mum keeps trying to push an unwilling stepdad to pay for her older kids clothes and hobbies, he'll either have already agreed to it, or not. Whereas you DO get dad's continually trying to push an unwilling step mum to provide childcare for his older kids.

I think to make it a comparable situation the NRP dad would also be putting pressure on the step dad to pay more, and on top of that step dad would also be feeling pressure to subsidise either directly or indirectly the dad’s household on top of his own.

As a step mum my finances were significantly impacted in all sorts of ways by having DSCs, with the additional child care expectations placed upon me as a step mother. If I pushed back I was criticised as being cold and uncaring (not by DH but by DSC mother and society in general). If I could have limited my contribution to being mostly financial in nature without all the judgement, just as most step fathers can, my life would have been so much easier!

My DH has been on friendly terms with his ex's BF from the start, says he seems like a nice guy, looks out for ex and DSD, no issues, all good.
By contrast, many years ago now, his ex was a fucking nightmare from the day and hour she found out about my existence. We had been going out for I think 8 or 9 months by then and she didn't know, he carried on as normal with DSD and I didn't meet her until well after, it was all fine. But as soon as she found out he had a new GF, all of a sudden every damn thing was a problem. It was awful.
She genuinely thought I was about to start "treating DSD as my own" and was flipping out and fighting him on everything all of a sudden. I had and have zero interest in treating DSD as my own. She's not my own so why should any of us pretend she is?
DH does not seem to have similar territorial fear that the BF is going to want to take on Dad duties for his DD. Weird that.

I had exactly the same problem! The ex was a complete nightmare for ages after finding out about me even though I had zero intention of being any kind of mother figure to her child. I felt so sorry for my DH for having to deal with her.

And then in their next breath they kick off when you then don’t “treat them as your own” 🤯.

I don’t think dads would really care if the stepdad was to take his toddler to the park for an ice cream and the dsc stays at home with their mum doing whatever.

Mums seem to get so engrossed in what the dad and stepmum are doing though and how they operate their lives, and analyse every single thing they get wind of.

Hi all (name change recently) but most regular posters know who I am lol 😂

Thing is the standard for being a "good" dad vs "good" mum are vastly different. A dad just had to take the kids out to the park and people will say awww isn't that lovely to see a dad with their children.
Literal presence being near a child is enough for most people to say a dads a good dad.

I have never heard anyone say similar things about a mum.

The step element comes into play because dad can't be present in the way he was before but now has the audacity to be "present" in another house with children who aren't his. Regardless who's doing the childcare. That's why I think so many people say "well it's ok for second born child they live with dad" - his presence is in the house is classed as Brillant dad and because he can't do that with the children from the first marriage it turns into oh well you need to make it up to this child.

Can you imagine a mums presence being enough to consider her a good step mum hahahah

It's the bar is so low for men re parenting and it's easier to blame the women than to get society to shift its expectations that a presence isn't enough.

Just my thoughts. Also some women tend to peddle the narrative he's a shit dad and only carted about second family because it often triggers the second family to get less and the first get more. It also feeds into Disney dadding.

Which no sensible person should want because child turn into adults and boy the world doesn't think they are owed a thing and naturally it's a shock.

Yeah.

That's my point of the thread. This really is an issue between women. Often seeing a mirror image of themselves and not liking it but refusing to acknowledge it.

But that's MN for you 🙈

No it’s an issue with expectations of women, and men are very much a part of that. But it sounds like you started the thread already knowing what you thought about it and weren’t looking for other points of view.

I'm now in a relationship with a woman, so my DC have two "step-mums" - my wife, and their father's.

His wife has wholeheartedly stepped into the societal expectations of female caregiving roles. It's fine, she seems to treat them well, and the DC have fun when they're over there so I have no serious issues with her specifically. I do think she takes up the slack for her husband and he'd be a much shitter father without her.

My wife is a very involved step-mum, and the DC are attached to her quite strongly. She is currently retraining and studying full time, so she picks up the slack with childcare, plans and cooks the meals, runs the practical elements of day to day life. I carry the mental load of DC's needs, but it's an amazing relief to have these other elements dealt with.

I do feel that step-mums in general get a very raw deal. No PR, so an emotional attachment to children with no legal recognition. I don't think I could do it, myself.

I think because kids are likely to spend more time with their mum and stepdad it's more all or nothing. I have often seen "we come as a package" "my DH/DP has to take them on as his own" much much more often than vice versa. Stepdads who don't want to provide financially are vilified. So stepdads who stick around are maybe more committed to being a stepdad?

Whereas more stepmums think "oh it's only every other weekend, no big deal" but it's not as simple as that. In some ways it's harder when children are popping in and out than when they properly live with you.