Page 2 | Why are there so few threads about issues with Step Dads

Talon01 · 2023-05-03T21:21:51+00:00

Just interested. I understand that this is mainly a female site but the statistics I think show approx 90% of kids post separation live with Mom primarily in the UK (or Mom is seen as primary carer ). Yet there's so few threads talking about issues of step Dad and the kids. It's all about the kids that come to Dad's every other weekend or whatever the arrangement is.

TakingTheCake · 04/05/2023 09:05

I think, because in those situations it's not the woman who is the step parent, she might just post on relationships board.

funinthesun19 · 04/05/2023 09:22

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 04/05/2023 08:14

I'm a stepdad. I started reading, and occasionally posting, here when I first got the gig seven years ago.

It became clear quickly that we simply have it easier. A stepmum does a lot of hands-on parenting, and there's a war about if she's overstepping or should be doing more. I do the same, and I'm (completely unfairly) almost revered for being so committed.

And yes, we tend to be with the stepkids more, since the mum often has them more. We had our own little baby four years, and because the stepkids are only away every other weekend, I know them just as well. They're as big a part of my life. So it's easier to hold them as 'true' family. Plus we don't carry a kid around for nine months, nurturing it with our own body, so the difference between a stepkid and our biological kid doesn't feel as stark, I guess.

I don't get half the problems with the dad as many stepmums seem to with the mum either. I mean, I can understand why my wife left him and think he's lucky she chose kicking him out over murder sometimes, but we muck on ok with little conflict. I think he's happy someone has taken some of his responsibility rather than jealous?

Possibly single dads often look for a mothering figure while single mums are more likely content with someone who will understand that the kids come first but not have as many parenting expectations?

There's other examples, but the short answer is we just have it easier in general, I think.

I agree with everything you have said.

The conflict one is a big one I think. Stepmums are always under constant scrutiny by the mum who is always poking her nose in the stepmum’s business and questioning why she did or didn’t do something.

Mums are also more likely to ask (demand) help from the stepmum eg with school runs on mum’s days or to help for a full day when the kids are off. Dads are much much less likely to mither the stepdad for help. And if he did I’m sure the mum would tell the dad to back off. But amazingly she’d have no problems mithering the stepmum.

Some mums do think the the stepmum owes them one whereas dads just don’t have that sense of entitlement against the stepdad. The men just kind of stay out of each other’s lives and I think that makes it a lot easier for the stepdad. I think the mum just views the stepmum as an extension of her ex, hence the “you owe me” attitude and disdain.

Noicant · 04/05/2023 09:24

Zoopadee · 03/05/2023 22:45

Because stepdads don't have the same expectations of them as stepmums. I was recently talking about this with a male friend, he couldn't understand why I found being a stepmum so hard because a number of his friends and colleagues are stepdads and they all seem to deal with it fine... until I listed off the expectations that get placed on me in terms of childcare, additional household duties due to more children in the home, etc. It's purely based on gender expectations, if a guy does anything over and above being nice to the kids, then they're seen as being incredible stepdads who are stepping up to the plate. If a women says she doesn't want to do extra childcare or anything like that then she is classed as an evil stepmum who doesn't like the kids and 'knew what they were getting into' (there was an AIBU thread in the last few days that was a prime example of this when the stepmum refused to do extra childcare if her DSS was to move in full time). I also think that women are generally more likely to take responsibility for their own children and less likely to feel okay with asking the step-parent to do more than is reasonable. I know that's a bit of a generalisation and obviously not true for all men but I do think in the case of blended families, it's often true.

Yeah this I imagine.

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 09:36

There are lots of threads about step dad’s, and quite often their extended family, they just aren’t as often on the step parenting board.

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 10:42

I think it’s funny that people claim step mums do more for their step kids that they see every other week than a step dad that lives with the child full time nah not buying it! I don’t know anyone irl that has 50/50 and it’s certainly not as common irl as it seems to be on here. The default still is eow. I’m with you op it’s very odd. I’m not buying that women who see step kids eow are doing tons of parenting 🥱

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 10:45

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 10:42

I think it’s funny that people claim step mums do more for their step kids that they see every other week than a step dad that lives with the child full time nah not buying it! I don’t know anyone irl that has 50/50 and it’s certainly not as common irl as it seems to be on here. The default still is eow. I’m with you op it’s very odd. I’m not buying that women who see step kids eow are doing tons of parenting 🥱

Obviously they see them for much less time but the point people are making is that they are often left doing all the work around the house etc whereas quite often the bloke will just sit back and relax, or be out at his hobby all day.

It is a reflection of gender roles in general and how much more women often do day to day for the kids and house, it's just exacerbated by their being a step child in the mix.

funinthesun19 · 04/05/2023 11:05

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 10:42

I think it’s funny that people claim step mums do more for their step kids that they see every other week than a step dad that lives with the child full time nah not buying it! I don’t know anyone irl that has 50/50 and it’s certainly not as common irl as it seems to be on here. The default still is eow. I’m with you op it’s very odd. I’m not buying that women who see step kids eow are doing tons of parenting 🥱

Well that EOW contact might be full on for the stepmum when the kids are there. As in, the dad palms them off to her/ she’s doing all household tasks etc.. while he’s off out doing “errands” or there’s an event on or something so the kids are with her all afternoon.

More stepmums than you realise are doing a substantial amount in the time that the dscs are there.

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 11:09

oh how utterly exhausting it must be eow 😏 get a fortnight off though. Living with kids will always be more tiring even if you do minimal parenting and then there’s the financial contribution….

funinthesun19 · 04/05/2023 11:14

And yes, not to mention if the dad is a lazy arse lounging about while the stepmum does everything.

How many stepdads live with a mum who doesn’t give a fuck and sits on her arse all day? Not many!

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 11:15

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 11:09

oh how utterly exhausting it must be eow 😏 get a fortnight off though. Living with kids will always be more tiring even if you do minimal parenting and then there’s the financial contribution….

Are you just here to troll? If you don't have any experience then you're ignorant and not really adding much to the discussion.

funinthesun19 · 04/05/2023 11:18

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 11:09

oh how utterly exhausting it must be eow 😏 get a fortnight off though. Living with kids will always be more tiring even if you do minimal parenting and then there’s the financial contribution….

The point is the partner who you are living with though. The stepdad who sees the children the majority of the time is probably less stressed and less put up on than the stepmum seeing them EOW if the stereotypes are anything to go by.

Zoopadee · 04/05/2023 11:25

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 10:42

I think it’s funny that people claim step mums do more for their step kids that they see every other week than a step dad that lives with the child full time nah not buying it! I don’t know anyone irl that has 50/50 and it’s certainly not as common irl as it seems to be on here. The default still is eow. I’m with you op it’s very odd. I’m not buying that women who see step kids eow are doing tons of parenting 🥱

You're saying that you see most posts on here from people who have their stepkids 50/50 than you know in real life, does that not tell you that it's potentially more likely to be those who have them more often who are struggling, have more expectations placed on them and are reaching out for support on here? I also see posts from stepmums who have their SKs less than 50/50 but are maybe worried because they might start coming more often, usually the concern is because them coming more often means more work for the stepmum, not the child's actual parent who should be the one doing the care when their children are with them.
I have my SKs full time, it's their mum that they see eow. I have had people online and in real life tell me that I should effectively see them as my own children and do everything for them as such. I've had comments from my in-laws and others describing me as 'unsupportive' of my partner if I have tried to draw any kind of boundaries regarding childcare to ensure I actually get some time to myself. The stepdads I know who live with the kids full time seem to get treated with the attitude that it's a bonus if they do anything to help the mum regarding childcare, whereas for stepmums it's an expectation that they should. That's not right whether or nor that expectation is placed on them full time or eow.

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 11:30

No my belief is that people are lying I do not believe all the people that claim they have 50/50 on here. Yet irl it’s extremely uncommon but on MN everyone apparently has 50/50

WheelsUp · 04/05/2023 11:37

Too many posts include the line "My kids don't get along with my husband" 😞

Ime mums generally do more than dads and stepmums do more than stepdads- especially if stepmum has a baby.

I think that dads expect more from their partner than mums do from theirs. It's not very hard to be considered a good stepdad because the bar is much lower where as a lot of men seem to think that stepmum should take over from their ex and do all the drudge work.

BlueDinoRawr · 04/05/2023 11:38

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 11:09

oh how utterly exhausting it must be eow 😏 get a fortnight off though. Living with kids will always be more tiring even if you do minimal parenting and then there’s the financial contribution….

Whether or not it’s exhausting is immaterial- the point is the SM picks up the load during that contact time, a load which typically, the step Dad doesn’t have.

So whether or not you consider it exhausting doesn’t detract from its being a load and being a greater load than is expected from the step dad.

On a EOWeekend contact:-

If Step Dad does zero for 12 days his load is still zero.

If step Mum does 100% for 2 days of 14 her load is more. 14% of the overall load for that child, if we’re dividing by contact days, if you need stats.

Is that helping your comprehension?

For me, taking care of a child that isn’t mine and who I am not responsible for, alleviating that child’s parent, their Dad, from their load is more than I want to do. That 14% is taken from Dad, not Mum. Sure their Mum might do more on the other 12 days, but none of the 14 days is my responsibility and the same would be true if it was 50:50
or any other contact pattern.

BlueDinoRawr · 04/05/2023 11:41

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 11:30

No my belief is that people are lying I do not believe all the people that claim they have 50/50 on here. Yet irl it’s extremely uncommon but on MN everyone apparently has 50/50

In my real life experience where contact isn’t 50:50 it’s because a precedent was set during the marriage that Mum care for the kids and Dad provides financially and that precedent continues with Mum wanting to keep the house and income provided by Dad. It’s rare that Mum wants to spilt everything 50:50 and sustain herself and her kids with 50:50 contact. Mums want dads finances then moan about his lack of available time.

funinthesun19 · 04/05/2023 11:41

ItIsWhatItIsTillItIsnt · 04/05/2023 11:30

No my belief is that people are lying I do not believe all the people that claim they have 50/50 on here. Yet irl it’s extremely uncommon but on MN everyone apparently has 50/50

Well when I was with my ex, it was one week on one week off so are you going to call me a liar too? What makes you not believe people?

DothThouTwerk · 04/05/2023 11:42

It doesn't really matter how often the children are there whether it's 50:50 or EOW. No one should be expecting any unrelated person to be doing 90% of the care for their children when they are in their home. A step mum is still allowed to be annoyed that she's left to do everything for SC EOW. It doesn't make it more okay or acceptable because she gets time 'off' (which is probably spent doing everything for her own kids too going off the threads here).

As for 'i don't know anyone with 50:50 therefore it's not common...' erm actually I can only think of one person I know who has a EOW set up with their ex. The rest, including in my own situation have a much closer to 50:50 set up, my own DSC stay 3 nights one week, 4 the next. You're of course welcome to think that I'm lying about that if you like 🤷‍♀️

Starlitestarbright · 04/05/2023 11:51

I disagree with comments about step dads not doing as much as step mom's if anything they do more as they tend to live with them the majority of the time. I my experience they bloody do more, they just don't moan about it and dont feel threatened. Ds has dh in his life since the age of 2. He's sorted his phone contract out and paid for it, took him to his activities, looked after him when he was younger, he feds the kids when I'm at work. He drops him off to play footie. He treats like one of the kids. The point is we are team that work together, he's supported him when I've been on maternity leave, paid for Christmas, birthday presents etc.

DollyP88 · 04/05/2023 11:51

I’ve seen a few and I wondered what the point of them was slightly as the OP seemed to shut down any debate with “my kids, my decisions” even when the stepdad was being quite reasonable. In the ones I’ve seen at least.

DothThouTwerk · 04/05/2023 11:54

Starlitestarbright · 04/05/2023 11:51

I disagree with comments about step dads not doing as much as step mom's if anything they do more as they tend to live with them the majority of the time. I my experience they bloody do more, they just don't moan about it and dont feel threatened. Ds has dh in his life since the age of 2. He's sorted his phone contract out and paid for it, took him to his activities, looked after him when he was younger, he feds the kids when I'm at work. He drops him off to play footie. He treats like one of the kids. The point is we are team that work together, he's supported him when I've been on maternity leave, paid for Christmas, birthday presents etc.

I'm sure there will always be the odd example of this, like with anything but seriously in what world, as a whole, has more ever been expected of men when it comes to children/housework?

aSofaNearYou · 04/05/2023 11:57

Starlitestarbright · 04/05/2023 11:51

I disagree with comments about step dads not doing as much as step mom's if anything they do more as they tend to live with them the majority of the time. I my experience they bloody do more, they just don't moan about it and dont feel threatened. Ds has dh in his life since the age of 2. He's sorted his phone contract out and paid for it, took him to his activities, looked after him when he was younger, he feds the kids when I'm at work. He drops him off to play footie. He treats like one of the kids. The point is we are team that work together, he's supported him when I've been on maternity leave, paid for Christmas, birthday presents etc.

I presume you have your child most or all of the time?

Nobody in their right minds would sign up to be in a relationship with someone that has their kids with them that often unless they were really up for being heavily involved with them, you'd just give it a wide berth because every day of life with that person is going to be focused on that child. Less so when your partner has them 50/50 or less, it seems (and is) possible to get involved without expecting or being willing to be as heavily involved. Then you're met with a previously unspoken assumption that you will be, and conflict lies therein.

funinthesun19 · 04/05/2023 11:58

Starlitestarbright · 04/05/2023 11:51

I disagree with comments about step dads not doing as much as step mom's if anything they do more as they tend to live with them the majority of the time. I my experience they bloody do more, they just don't moan about it and dont feel threatened. Ds has dh in his life since the age of 2. He's sorted his phone contract out and paid for it, took him to his activities, looked after him when he was younger, he feds the kids when I'm at work. He drops him off to play footie. He treats like one of the kids. The point is we are team that work together, he's supported him when I've been on maternity leave, paid for Christmas, birthday presents etc.

Well if the children are there EOW, why can’t the dad do the hobby runs and during those two days and make his kids’ tea? Why can’t he do the school runs if he has contact during the week for one night?

Why is it so crucial that the stepmum does these things just because the stepdad does? If the children are there two nights a fortnight then even more reason for the dad to do it with no help from his partner!

BlueDinoRawr · 04/05/2023 12:02

Starlitestarbright · 04/05/2023 11:51

I disagree with comments about step dads not doing as much as step mom's if anything they do more as they tend to live with them the majority of the time. I my experience they bloody do more, they just don't moan about it and dont feel threatened. Ds has dh in his life since the age of 2. He's sorted his phone contract out and paid for it, took him to his activities, looked after him when he was younger, he feds the kids when I'm at work. He drops him off to play footie. He treats like one of the kids. The point is we are team that work together, he's supported him when I've been on maternity leave, paid for Christmas, birthday presents etc.

That’s great that your DH has stepped up.

in general terms though I think it’s confusing living with a child and having a more active parenting role.

Starlitestarbright · 04/05/2023 12:03

aSofaNearYou yes I did have ds majority when he was younger one a week at his dads then twice and now three times as he's a teenager.

I think dh just sees him as one of the children there's no issues.

funinthesun19

We would swap so one week dh or me would take him the next week his dad. We actually all co parent really well there is no resentment from ourselves or the step parents. Ds doesn't go there now he's alot older. DS is a member in both family units. It can and does happen people just don't post about it.