Why are there so few threads about issues with Step Dads

[Talon01]

Just interested. I understand that this is mainly a female site but the statistics I think show approx 90% of kids post separation live with Mom primarily in the UK (or Mom is seen as primary carer ).

Yet there's so few threads talking about issues of step Dad and the kids. It's all about the kids that come to Dad's every other weekend or whatever the arrangement is.

Because as you said its mainly a female site? Maybe look on dadsnet

Because men are praised for even showing basic tolerance to another mans kids and women are vilified no matter what approach they choose to take to another womans.

I think a lot of the threads are indirectly about stepdads! There seem to have been a few recently about stepdad's trying to oust their DW's older children (by previous relationships). Also lots of disney dad type of behaviour described.

Yes but even so where are the threads stating, my partner has x, y or z issue with my kids.

Hmmmmm

Or they cba / want a quiet life so keep quiet / don't have issues?

Because if you were to ask advice here about an issue between your male partner and your children (his step children) you would just receive a hundred LTB replies.

Yeah but step dads live with the kids far more than the other way round. Some seeing their partners kids far more than their own (which I can't understand).

It doesn't add up does it.

Yes but even so where are the threads stating, my partner has x, y or z issue with my kids

There’s loads.

The mums on here who have partners probably make their partner’s life as a stepdad easy, so everyone is happy and the mum has nothing to complain about.
Or the stepdad maybe just does as he’s told to keep the peace whereas stepmums stick up for themselves a bit more and use their voice when something isn’t right and the mums don’t like it.

Their children’s stepmum is more likely to be getting a rough time both from the dad and from her (the mum).

Because stepdads don't have the same expectations of them as stepmums. I was recently talking about this with a male friend, he couldn't understand why I found being a stepmum so hard because a number of his friends and colleagues are stepdads and they all seem to deal with it fine... until I listed off the expectations that get placed on me in terms of childcare, additional household duties due to more children in the home, etc. It's purely based on gender expectations, if a guy does anything over and above being nice to the kids, then they're seen as being incredible stepdads who are stepping up to the plate. If a women says she doesn't want to do extra childcare or anything like that then she is classed as an evil stepmum who doesn't like the kids and 'knew what they were getting into' (there was an AIBU thread in the last few days that was a prime example of this when the stepmum refused to do extra childcare if her DSS was to move in full time). I also think that women are generally more likely to take responsibility for their own children and less likely to feel okay with asking the step-parent to do more than is reasonable. I know that's a bit of a generalisation and obviously not true for all men but I do think in the case of blended families, it's often true.

Have you not seen the many, many threads with some kind of variation on 'I'm stuck between DH and DS'

Mostly on AIBU, and more often than not the child has been living with some horrific kind of ultra strict parenting.

Tbf I think there are plenty of these threads. They aren't posted by step dad's as often as they are posted by step mothers because as you say there are more women here than men but I definitely do see threads posted by the mother about issues with her partner and children a fair bit. They tend to not end up in the step parenting section though.

And YY as above, its miles easier in my book to be considered a good step father. Let's face it, society still expects the most from women in terms of children, whether they be mothers or step mothers. Id be willing to bet my house that in 90% of households where there is a step father, it's still the mum/the woman who does most of the childcare / child rearing and he does minimal but is classed as such an amazing guy for simply being nice.

However, we see plenty of threads where step mothers are expected to, and should be happy about, take on all the care of their step children in their dads house and just all dad to do the bare minimum for his child. And if you don't you're awful, you hate the child, you are damaging them for life blah blah blah. It's honestly all just sexist bullshit and likely a big reason why there appears to be less problems on here with step dad's than step mum's, because far less is expected of them for them to get pissed off about!

Because they are rarely expected to actually do anything for those kids during that time I imagine.

Think of it like a child living with mum and stepdad full time Vs a child living with dad and a stepmum full time. Who in both houses do you imagine, in the type of society we still live in where child rearing is considered women's work, is dealing with the majority of childcare, cooking, laundry, school runs, hobbies, cleaning etc... Id take a wild stab in the dark and say the woman, mum or step mum. A lot of stepmums find that easier to stomach when it's for their own children but think it's a step too far / cheeky to expect them to do it all for their stepchildren too, and why should they? There is nothing preventing a Dad from doing that stuff for their children from another relationship other than his penis and this weird opinion we have as a society that women just fucking love taking care of kids even if they aren't ours and any of us who don't are evil and oh so cruel.

@DothThouTwerk You could be onto something there 😉

@Talon01 Are you a stepdad? Would you like to post a thread about it? Ask for some support? Are you being expected to wash all the kid’s laundry, clean their bedrooms, cook for them, do all the school runs while holding down a job and looking after your own 2 kids, one a baby and the other a toddler and feeling like you’re being taken advantage of and your feelings don’t matter?

This is absolutely spot on. There is definitely more expectations for a woman to take on a parenting role, and care for and nurture everyone in her home.

They’re on - on here they’re indirect about how Dad has way more to do with his step children than his biological children.

Given how many biological dads seem to find a way to opt out of family life when they want to it's not going to be difficult for the average stepdad to avoid being roped into looking after the stepkids.

I'm a stepdad. I started reading, and occasionally posting, here when I first got the gig seven years ago.

It became clear quickly that we simply have it easier. A stepmum does a lot of hands-on parenting, and there's a war about if she's overstepping or should be doing more. I do the same, and I'm (completely unfairly) almost revered for being so committed.

And yes, we tend to be with the stepkids more, since the mum often has them more. We had our own little baby four years, and because the stepkids are only away every other weekend, I know them just as well. They're as big a part of my life. So it's easier to hold them as 'true' family. Plus we don't carry a kid around for nine months, nurturing it with our own body, so the difference between a stepkid and our biological kid doesn't feel as stark, I guess.

I don't get half the problems with the dad as many stepmums seem to with the mum either. I mean, I can understand why my wife left him and think he's lucky she chose kicking him out over murder sometimes, but we muck on ok with little conflict. I think he's happy someone has taken some of his responsibility rather than jealous?

Possibly single dads often look for a mothering figure while single mums are more likely content with someone who will understand that the kids come first but not have as many parenting expectations?

There's other examples, but the short answer is we just have it easier in general, I think.

Because 99% of posters are women, and women have low expectations of dads when it comes to child-rearing, and even lower expectations of men who aren’t dads but live with their children.

Most posts here are about the parent(s) not taking enough responsibility for their own children or concern for children that aren’t the OP’s.

And this!

Perhaps because it's easier to deal with.

When my ex told me I needed to "get rid of ds every other weekend if I wanted our relationship to progress" (ds was 9 at the time) it took me less than a minute to deal with. 🙂

Well that’s simply not true as a sweeping statement - but I feel even replying is giving this comment more attention than it deserves!

Yeah all of this basically. I think it's the same with most things in life, men tend to get by with less complaints about it from others than women do. In my experience women tend to not be able to do anything without being judged in one way or another (often by other women unfortunately).

Plus we don't carry a kid around for nine months, nurturing it with our own body, so the difference between a stepkid and our biological kid doesn't feel as stark, I guess

There is definitely something here I think. I often see people post on here about how terrible it is to not love stepchildren like you're own and I find it insane. Perhaps it is something I am lacking emotionally but to me, there is just no comparison. I wouldn't say it's strictly about biology as I'm aware people can absolutely love adoptive children in the same way as biological, but I think there is just something about a child being "mine" (biologically or not) and me being their mother in every way that I find all encompassing and so primal on an emotional level that I just do not feel with step children. They have a mother, it is not me, they are not mine. I think people who expect step parents to feel exactly the same way about their children & their step children are often living in fairytale land.

Perhaps more taboo but I also think there is something different about men and women and how easy they find it to accept others children, both in a societal level due to expectations as discussed above, but also on a biological level too. Cuckoo in the nest type stuff I guess.

Your own not you're 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️