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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Looking after DSD

100 replies

bluepen12 · 19/04/2023 20:28

Need reality check.

Since we moved in with DP he topped up his time at work. I mean, he is either at work or his DD is here. No time for dates, weekends away, none.
I work in hybrid system, 3 days a week from home and his DD is 10. Stressful busy job, a lot of meetings, phone calls. Last week he said that he wants me to look after DD all day on Friday so he can go to work to do overtime. I said no sorry I'm at work. It didn't go down well. I have then been guilt tripped, told that DD was looking forward to spending some time with me, that she will be now upset, that she is self sufficient and won't be an inconvenience and I'm making a big deal out of nothing since I'm at home anyway. I stood my ground because why should money be more important to him than his DD? He earns well. Why his ex gets to go to work, he gets to go to work and I'm expected to work and look after their DD?

Today he says it's my own doing that we don't spend time together, if I was looking after his DD more, he then could do more overtime then and wouldn't need to work that much when DD isn't here.

Please tell me this is not as bad as I think it is.

You can clearly tell our blending doesn't go well.

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 19/04/2023 20:32

You are right in what you said. Your work is just as important as his. Well done on standing your ground. He just wants to use you as a babysitter.

aSofaNearYou · 19/04/2023 20:34

Everything about this guy is one big 🚩 🚩🚩

Everything he said to you is totally out of line. I would not continue this relationship.

BornAWoman · 19/04/2023 20:36

He sees you as the unpaid nanny.

AdviceOnLife · 19/04/2023 20:37

Run. Run. Run.
You are there to make his life easier. Furthermore when you are feeling unappreciated you are met with emotional manipulation.
You deserve better.

GrumpyPanda · 19/04/2023 20:40

Stand your ground OP.

MeridianB · 19/04/2023 20:41

The way he talks to you is appalling and rather chilling. And presumably this is still relatively early days of you living together, when things should happy and exciting.

This nasty line in manipulation will only get worse if you stay.

SheilaFentiman · 19/04/2023 20:41

Run.

Beamur · 19/04/2023 20:41

I hate to say it, but he's seeing you as childcare now, not his partner.
How long have you been moved in?
Contact time is for the child and the parent. He seems to have forgotten this.

Lastnamedidntstick · 19/04/2023 20:42

Yep. Fuck that.

SheilaFentiman · 19/04/2023 20:43

And you could be putting your job at risk if they find out you are doing childcare whilst working.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2023 20:44

It’s worse than you think it is or you wouldn’t even be asking. Move back out. Anywhere. Cheeky bastard.

Thepossibility · 19/04/2023 20:45

This is absolutely not on.
He is saying that you and your work are not important, and that you are there for his convenience only.
I would be rethinking the relationship because if you give in this time it will be the first of many sacrifices you will be forced to make to keep him happy.

excelledyourself · 19/04/2023 20:46

Please tell me this is not as bad as I think it is.

It's as bad as you think it is, so good on you for standing your ground. He really doesn't sound the type to admit, or even consider, that he might be in the wrong, so I'd say it's likely to get worse.

He's being unfair to you and to his DD, and he is clearly his number one priority.

excelledyourself · 19/04/2023 20:49

And out of interest, how often is his dd there?

quietnightmare · 19/04/2023 20:52

Is there a reason she won't be in school?

It's for the mother and father to sort out childcare unless you CHOOSE to do it

It's not your fault that you don't have time with your partner he needs to make time

Gymmum82 · 19/04/2023 20:55

She should be in school and then in wrap around care if it’s his day and you’re both at work. You’re not his childcare and you’re also working. Not having a fun day spending time with his child

CleaningOutMyCloset · 19/04/2023 20:56

What? He said you don't spend time together because you don't look after his dd so he can work - is the man an idiot, can he not see what a daft comment that is.

Well down for standing your ground. I've worked from home for 10 years and couldn't ever look after a pre teen whilst working.

Original poster
bluepen12 · 19/04/2023 21:03

Beamur · 19/04/2023 20:41

I hate to say it, but he's seeing you as childcare now, not his partner.
How long have you been moved in?
Contact time is for the child and the parent. He seems to have forgotten this.

Its around 6 months

I keep saying this to him but he says his DD loves me too and we're a family now so she is here to see both of us.

It feels like since we moved in together I've lost a partner and gained a child to look after. I do spend a lot of time with her and she always gets upsets when she is here and I'm not around

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 19/04/2023 21:04

Gymmum82 · 19/04/2023 20:55

She should be in school and then in wrap around care if it’s his day and you’re both at work. You’re not his childcare and you’re also working. Not having a fun day spending time with his child

Last Friday was in the school Easter holidays.

SheilaFentiman · 19/04/2023 21:04

So he should have the day off or sort out holiday camp!

SheilaFentiman · 19/04/2023 21:06

“I keep saying this to him but he says his DD loves me too and we're a family now so she is here to see both of us.”

Even if DD was biologically both of yours, he still wouldn’t get to say “I’m doing overtime, look after her while you work” - it would be a discussion about how to split holiday childcare!

Original poster
bluepen12 · 19/04/2023 21:07

excelledyourself · 19/04/2023 20:49

And out of interest, how often is his dd there?

2 nights a week, every Friday and Sunday (her mum works weekends), used to be every second Saturday which turned to be every Saturday now.

OP posts:
MsRosewater · 19/04/2023 21:08

On every level NO! He is taking the piss

Beamur · 19/04/2023 21:09

Even if DD was biologically both of yours, he still wouldn’t get to say “I’m doing overtime, look after her while you work” - it would be a discussion about how to split holiday childcare!
Working at home is still working. You need to keep a firm line on this. It's really not fair on kids to be parked all day with a working parent/step situation

SheilaFentiman · 19/04/2023 21:12

yes, it’s not fair. Maybe if she was at school and coming home to an hour of TV whilst you finished up, but not all day on a holiday day.

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