Page 4 | Looking after DSD

bluepen12 · 2023-04-19T19:28:58+00:00

Need reality check. Since we moved in with DP he topped up his time at work. I mean, he is either at work or his DD is here. No time for dates, weekends away, none. I work in hybrid system, 3 days a week from home and his DD is 10. Stressful busy job, a lot of meetings, phone calls. Last week he said that he wants me to look after DD all day on Friday so he can go to work to do overtime. I said no sorry I'm at work. It didn't go down well. I have then been guilt tripped, told that DD was looking forward to spending some time with me, that she will be now upset, that she is self sufficient and won't be an inconvenience and I'm making a big deal out of nothing since I'm at home anyway. I stood my ground because why should money be more important to him than his DD? He earns well. Why his ex gets to go to work, he gets to go to work and I'm expected to work and look after their DD? Today he says it's my own doing that we don't spend time together, if I was looking after his DD more, he then could do more overtime then and wouldn't need to work that much when DD isn't here. Please tell me this is not as bad as I think it is. You can clearly tell our blending doesn't go well.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 24/04/2023 09:24

hourbyhour101 · 22/04/2023 16:55

This is gaslighting.

The fact he would prefer to work than see his own daughter in which he has limited time with is v concerning.

I grew up in step family and as much as you may like your step parents, they aren't there for them to see you.

Even if that was the case - they would still be there to see you and her parent.

He seems to have transplanted his parental responsibility on to you under the guise of "family" aka you do the grunt work.

This 100% My husband would move heaven and earth to see as much of his daughter, my DSD as he can.

I have a good relationship with her but when it comes down to it, I'm there to support her dad to have a good relationship with her. Everything else positive that happens between me and her is a bonus. What can happen in a situation where you're being forced into acting like sole parent regularly, is that dsc ends up resenting stepmum and that isn't fair on you. It's her dad that is at fault and he needs to value the relationship that he has with her before she's all grown up and doesn't want to know him.

tescocreditcard · 24/04/2023 18:53

Sounds like he thinks of you as a domestic appliance who exists to make his life easier.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 25/04/2023 12:49

One of the reasons I hate the word "blending" when it comes to humans.

Of course it's lovely for you to spend time with your SD but not as your DH's default nanny so he can feel good about having her but not have to put in the work!

LifeExperience · 25/04/2023 13:58

He was nice to you just long enough to get you to move in and become his free nanny who sleeps with him and helps pay the bills. What a great deal he worked out for himself.

He does not respect you and does not consider you an equal. Get rid.

Original poster

bluepen12 · 25/04/2023 17:55

We did talk about it.
Apparently there was a conversation between us about a year ago where he said he would want to get a new car and to that I replied yeah you will need to work more to save up.
He now expects me to facilitate it so he can save up for the new car.

He totally doesn't understand (or doesn't want to understand) that dumping his DD on me (or anyone else) is not on. The reason is that I always have a great time with her so why not?

I start to wonder if this is for me really. This is not what I signed up for. Everything what I get out of it has to be forced by arguing, proving my point and explaining basic concepts million times and yet I still feel massive guilt by having my needs met, or just let it go to avoid argument.

Following me refusing looking after his DD, my work seems to be now targeted by him. He isn't now happy when I have to do any extra time at work, wants to review my contract to prove I can challenge the Head of my department and tell them no, I'm not doing anything bar the core contractual hours. I don't get paid for doing overtime but sometimes the work just has to be done, it's the team effort and honestly, I'm happy where I am work wise and happy to work those extra hrs once every so often. He isn't getting that and is on my case saying I should be spending this time with him and would come and ask me every 10 mins if I've finished yet so we can do xyz.

I did feel used in various ways here so I've fixed that. Now I'm refusing to look after DD he is getting more and more frustrated

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 25/04/2023 17:57

He's not letting you live your own life, is he? He would drive me round the bend.

Iwas · 25/04/2023 18:05

This is turning into control. Just be careful and be aware of the tricks he may use next - gaslighting, threatening, lying, victim mode, love bombing.

Don't back down and hope it will go away, because it will just make him push further next time. I actually think that this is worse than you realised.

isthewashingdryyet · 25/04/2023 18:06

Can you leave easily?
thats what you need to do. Just leave.
he doesn’t want a partner

Original poster

bluepen12 · 25/04/2023 18:12

isthewashingdryyet · 25/04/2023 18:06

Can you leave easily?
thats what you need to do. Just leave.
he doesn’t want a partner

We rent and have joint tennancy agreement signed. The tennancy can only be ended when agreed by both parties, so not so easy

OP posts:

hourbyhour101 · 25/04/2023 18:34

bluepen12 · 25/04/2023 17:55

We did talk about it.
Apparently there was a conversation between us about a year ago where he said he would want to get a new car and to that I replied yeah you will need to work more to save up.
He now expects me to facilitate it so he can save up for the new car.

He totally doesn't understand (or doesn't want to understand) that dumping his DD on me (or anyone else) is not on. The reason is that I always have a great time with her so why not?

I start to wonder if this is for me really. This is not what I signed up for. Everything what I get out of it has to be forced by arguing, proving my point and explaining basic concepts million times and yet I still feel massive guilt by having my needs met, or just let it go to avoid argument.

Following me refusing looking after his DD, my work seems to be now targeted by him. He isn't now happy when I have to do any extra time at work, wants to review my contract to prove I can challenge the Head of my department and tell them no, I'm not doing anything bar the core contractual hours. I don't get paid for doing overtime but sometimes the work just has to be done, it's the team effort and honestly, I'm happy where I am work wise and happy to work those extra hrs once every so often. He isn't getting that and is on my case saying I should be spending this time with him and would come and ask me every 10 mins if I've finished yet so we can do xyz.

I did feel used in various ways here so I've fixed that. Now I'm refusing to look after DD he is getting more and more frustrated

Oh op this isn't a blended family issue.

Not really. It's a your DP thinks because you have a uterus - you are there to enable him to get the things he wants

And he's using conceive methods to do it and gaslighting you. Btw watch gaslight it's a fab film. What he's doing is a trick as old as time. Now just in a updated version of "you don't want to look after my Dd and be unpaid for childcare- you must hate her ect"

Google up FOG. This man will not change. Also read the gift of fear (fab book). Please make efforts to leave. Your tied to him because he wants you tied to him. Think why ? 💐

Mojoj · 25/04/2023 18:41

Yet another man thinking his needs come first. She's his daughter. Let him sort out childcare. And I'd be seriously rethinking this relationship.

SheilaFentiman · 25/04/2023 19:28

He’s obviously not so concerned about contractual obligations when he thinks you can work and look after dsd at the same time. Funny, that.

Inkpotlover · 25/04/2023 19:29

Of course you can break the rent tenancy OP, and you should. He doesn't see you as a partner, he sees you as an unpaid childminder and skivvy and he's emotionally blackmailing and gaslighting you into doing it. I bet you do all the housework and laundry and food shopping too.

SheilaFentiman · 25/04/2023 19:30

I wonder if he also wants to imperil your job so you become dependent on him.

hourbyhour101 · 25/04/2023 19:32

SheilaFentiman · 25/04/2023 19:30

I wonder if he also wants to imperil your job so you become dependent on him.

This based on OPs lastest update is what's worrying me most.

This seems coercive abuse to me. That shit is insidious.

SheilaFentiman · 25/04/2023 19:32

bluepen12 · 25/04/2023 18:12

We rent and have joint tennancy agreement signed. The tennancy can only be ended when agreed by both parties, so not so easy

Show quote history

The very fact you think his response to “I want to move out so we need to give notice to change/end the tenancy” wouldn’t be “that’s really sad and I wish you didn’t feel that way but let’s sort the paperwork” speaks volumes about him.

Geppili · 25/04/2023 19:34

He is nasty.

BurntOutGirl · 25/04/2023 19:46

He is just going to keep on at you to wear you down so eventually you loose the self confidence and will to stand up for yourself..... and then he'll have you exactly where he wants you.... doing all the childcare, housework... isolated from friends and family.... and also maybe from work if he is now interfering with that.

How long left on contract? Can you speak to the LL and explain you are being abused?

TomatoSandwiches · 25/04/2023 20:20

I would go to womans aid and see if they can arrange on your behalf to end your part of the tenancy agreement, you are in an abusive and coercive relationship.
Your job is nothing to do with him btw, do not, I repeat do not do anything he suggests like refusing to do xyz unless you personally are happy to do that because it sounds like he wants you to be jobless so you become reliant on him.

Also if you are happy with your job then that's fine it isn't encroaching on any of your or joint responsibilities just in the way of you being unpaid childcare.

Invadersmustdie · 25/04/2023 21:25

He sounds awful. Surely you know you are worth more than this? Get out before he grinds you down to dust. Looking after his dd will be the least of your worries.

Newestname002 · 25/04/2023 21:30

@bluepen12

We rent and have joint tennancy agreement signed. The tennancy can only be ended when agreed by both parties, so not so easy

When does the tenancy expire so you can just not sign the new one? 🌹

Original poster

bluepen12 · 26/04/2023 11:03

Newestname002 · 25/04/2023 21:30

@bluepen12

We rent and have joint tennancy agreement signed. The tennancy can only be ended when agreed by both parties, so not so easy

When does the tenancy expire so you can just not sign the new one? 🌹

It's open ended so doesn't expire. I will speak to landlord to see what my options are once I find something else

OP posts:

SheilaFentiman · 26/04/2023 11:12

It might also be worth talking to Shelter - it doesn’t sound good that there is no way to get out of it or no expory.

Newestname002 · 26/04/2023 12:18

Or hopefully there's a break clause. Hopefully Shelter can help with that. 🌹

billy1966 · 29/04/2023 09:31

Get away from this utter user asap.

You are childcare for him and his ex.

He sees you as a fool and a mug.

No doubt you will see the real him now that you are saying NO.

Can you head off for the weekend and not be around.

He sounds like a bully who may well get nasty.

Tell your Landlord you need to get away from a nasty situation.