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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Looking after DSD

100 replies

bluepen12 · 19/04/2023 20:28

Need reality check.

Since we moved in with DP he topped up his time at work. I mean, he is either at work or his DD is here. No time for dates, weekends away, none.
I work in hybrid system, 3 days a week from home and his DD is 10. Stressful busy job, a lot of meetings, phone calls. Last week he said that he wants me to look after DD all day on Friday so he can go to work to do overtime. I said no sorry I'm at work. It didn't go down well. I have then been guilt tripped, told that DD was looking forward to spending some time with me, that she will be now upset, that she is self sufficient and won't be an inconvenience and I'm making a big deal out of nothing since I'm at home anyway. I stood my ground because why should money be more important to him than his DD? He earns well. Why his ex gets to go to work, he gets to go to work and I'm expected to work and look after their DD?

Today he says it's my own doing that we don't spend time together, if I was looking after his DD more, he then could do more overtime then and wouldn't need to work that much when DD isn't here.

Please tell me this is not as bad as I think it is.

You can clearly tell our blending doesn't go well.

OP posts:
FirstFallopians · 19/04/2023 21:17

I earn literally a fraction of what my DH earns, and holiday care, or emergency childcare is always shared equally. And the DC are both our actual children!

You gave the correct response.

moonspiral · 19/04/2023 21:18

I keep saying this to him but he says his DD loves me too and we're a family now so she is here to see both of us. ooh he's a nasty one OP. When can you move back out?

Rainbowqueeen · 19/04/2023 21:22

I’d move out OP.
He is using you, manipulating you and avoiding his responsibilities while increasing yours. He is not a good partner or a good father.

It’s every bit as bad as you think it is

excelledyourself · 19/04/2023 21:26

I keep saying this to him but he says his DD loves me too and we're a family now so she is here to see both of us.

Even in a nuclear family, his desire to do unnecessary overtime shouldn't automatically trump your need to properly fulfil your actual contractual hours, or the child's need for someone to be able to give them a bit of attention, at least here and there.

So tell him, no, that doesn't wash.

Floofydawg · 19/04/2023 21:28

Sorry but it's worse than you think it is and it won't get any better. If he's taking the piss like this only 6 months in, before you know it you'll be doing all of his parenting for him. He's a cheeky, manipulative bastard. Get rid.

AmandaHoldensLips · 19/04/2023 21:29

You have become default childcare provider.

He doesn't want to do the boring childcare stuff. That's YOUR job.

WOMAN, KNOW YOUR PLACE.

moonspiral · 19/04/2023 21:35

Just wanted to say OP, you sound like you know your worth and are standing up for yourself. I think you know this isn't fair on you and it isn't working. This is going to sound a bit patronising so I'm sorry, it isn't meant to, but I'm just really glad you can see through him.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 19/04/2023 21:36

You've only been together 6 months?

SheilaFentiman · 19/04/2023 21:45

PrincessHoneysuckle · 19/04/2023 21:36

You've only been together 6 months?

They’ve only lived together 6 months.

TomatoSandwiches · 19/04/2023 21:51

His child, his responsibility, I'd move out tbh it's quite clear why he wanted you to move in and it wasn't to spend more time with you

Springingintosummer · 19/04/2023 22:07

Tell him to pay childcare, which is what I do when I am at work.

IamThegreaterMole · 19/04/2023 22:09

It’s as bad as you think it is.

Original poster
bluepen12 · 19/04/2023 22:42

Springingintosummer · 19/04/2023 22:07

Tell him to pay childcare, which is what I do when I am at work.

He sees me working from home looking after DD as savings, or better yet opportunity to earn extra money. But it doesn't work. DD is really chatty and would want to sit with me all day and talk, draw, play (and I absolutely don't blame her) but that means I can't do the work I have been paid to do. I wouldn't want her to be on her own all day either.

I've asked him today why did he want to chose extra work rather than spending some time with DD knowing that she cries every day when she isn't here because she misses him when at her mums. His response was that I'm talking bullshit Hmm

Glad to see I'm not loosing the plot and I'm not being mean so thank you all for keeping me right here.

OP posts:
DHsPoorBack · 19/04/2023 22:51

PP has it right, he wanted to move you in, but not so he could spend any time with you.

He needed to fill the hole of "woman in house to look after my child"

PotKettel · 19/04/2023 22:59

He said you’re talking bullshit? Charming.

Does he have any redeeming features? He sounds horrible.

EE1980 · 19/04/2023 23:08

Start planning your exit.

When someone shows you who they are believe them

SheilaFentiman · 19/04/2023 23:16

Wow, he’s an arse who doesn’t respect you.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 19/04/2023 23:24

@bluepen12

One thing I always reminded myself ( as much as i loved my DSC) is that they do not come to see you- they come to see their father.

Keeping that in mind really helped me navigate the very stressful years of them being children.

Keep your boundaries tight just as you are . Otherwise you risk getting hurt . Being a step parent is extremely hard .

Newbeginnings90 · 19/04/2023 23:32

Echoing the previous responses.

His poor daughter! She's coming for contact time with him, if he wants to work those days rather than to make time to spend with her he needs to have that conversation with the other parent, it certainly doesn't fall to you - especially if your working from home!

MeridianB · 20/04/2023 05:39

EE1980 · 19/04/2023 23:08

Start planning your exit.

When someone shows you who they are believe them

This. He’s clearly not afraid to show you (now) that he’s a terrible father and a terrible partner. The aggressive attitude and attempts to domineer are also very worrying.

Codlingmoths · 20/04/2023 06:06

time to move right back out again. ‘I thought moving in with you was the next step in our relationship. I now realise you thought it as the next step in having on tap childcare so you no longer have to worry about parenting and can just work lots. you have the nerve to justify this as earnign more money when i dont see a penny of this and you are ALSO happy to jeopardise my income by expecting me to do childcare at the same time. this isnt the relationship for me, or any woman as i think you'll find. I'm flat hunting and should be signing something on saturday so will be moving out fairly soon.

Nimbostratus100 · 20/04/2023 06:13

Codlingmoths · 20/04/2023 06:06

time to move right back out again. ‘I thought moving in with you was the next step in our relationship. I now realise you thought it as the next step in having on tap childcare so you no longer have to worry about parenting and can just work lots. you have the nerve to justify this as earnign more money when i dont see a penny of this and you are ALSO happy to jeopardise my income by expecting me to do childcare at the same time. this isnt the relationship for me, or any woman as i think you'll find. I'm flat hunting and should be signing something on saturday so will be moving out fairly soon.

this.

YOU need to move out, also for the sake of this little girl, who is not getting the care she needs, just being dumped on someone who is trying to work, and that will continue happening until you are not available

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/04/2023 06:31

The thing is that you are not even married to him! He wants you to make his life easier and then blames you for not wanting to stop working to look after his child. It's outrageous. As you say, he can work, his ex can work and you can't!

123rainbow · 20/04/2023 06:44

I would end this relationship.

Newestname002 · 20/04/2023 06:46

I agree you should move out again to your own space OP. Whether you can (or will even want to) retain the relationship is another thing, given the way he talks/behaves towards you.

If you decide, as I think you should, to move out I would not give him a heads up of your plans until you have somewhere confirmed and protected yourself by ensuring you have removed any important articles and documents to somewhere safe/secure and that you've changed passwords to anything you are responsible for (eg router, online stores/Amazon/Netflix, utility bills, bank accounts etc.). Good luck. 🌹