Is it wrong to feel disappointed?

exdrivesmemad · 2023-04-06T17:35:55+00:00

This weekend is my OH’s weekend with his DDs. As it is also school holidays he has had them since last Friday. 2 days before pick up, his ex said she wanted them back tomorrow because it is her birthday over the weekend. This evening she has now said she doesn’t want them back because she’s going out to party all weekend instead. I have only recently met the DDs (6&8) after 18 months together. He didn’t want to introduce me until he felt we had something strong and he was aware that they have been upset with their mum moving boyfriends in and then they only stay a few months. We don’t live together. I originally had plans for this weekend but cancelled them last week because he was going to be free and then we had made plans. Now I feel that I can’t say I’m free again because I don’t want to mess people around. I just feel disappointed, it’s not his fault and his children should always come first. She just drives me mad, so many things cancelled because she changes her mind last minute or phones saying the children are crying for him.

aSofaNearYou · 06/04/2023 20:10

Of course it's not, your plans got cancelled, it's the natural thing to feel!

lunar1 · 06/04/2023 21:48

Don't mess other people and yourself around for his contact arrangements. Yes, his children's needs have to come first, but this was him pandering to his ex messing him about.

Make yourself a priority in your own life.

YellowGreenBlue · 06/04/2023 22:02

I agree with @lunar1 - your mistake was to cancel your plans when he became free.

SnarkyBag · 06/04/2023 22:24

Karma for ditching other people first!

half joking but in future don’t make your plans around his contact.

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/04/2023 22:27

Ring up your mates and explain - they will understand.

As PP’s say, don’t plan around him as he isn’t able to be reliable.

philautia · 06/04/2023 22:29

Why did you cancel your plans just because he was free?

Meandfour · 06/04/2023 22:30

YellowGreenBlue · 06/04/2023 22:02

I agree with @lunar1 - your mistake was to cancel your plans when he became free.

Agree with this. You shouldn’t have dropped your friends because he became available.

pictoosh · 06/04/2023 22:31

Why did you cancel your plans when he became free? Does he come before all else? Stop that if he does. Not only is he not doing that for you, but you shouldn't do that anyway.

PeterRabbitIsNotHere · 06/04/2023 22:34

I have to say get used to it. Being a partner/wife/gf of a man with kids sucks big time. It only gets worse. The ex thinks she can say/do what she wants - the kids manipulate and play with his emotions - it’s not for the feint hearted. Get out while you can.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 06/04/2023 22:39

Next time just stick to your plans. Don't change them for a man or adjust to suit contact times.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 06/04/2023 22:56

If you're already this bothered about his kids, I've a feeling you would be better suited to a man without any.

And I agree, shouldn't have cancelled on your friends. That was a shitty thing to do.

hourbyhour101 · 06/04/2023 23:12

EmilyGilmoresSass · 06/04/2023 22:56

If you're already this bothered about his kids, I've a feeling you would be better suited to a man without any.

And I agree, shouldn't have cancelled on your friends. That was a shitty thing to do.

I don't think op had a issue with her DP kids. Weird angle to take.

I think she has a issue with plans changing on the drop of a hat multiple times based on mums social calendar. That would piss anyone off.

The problem with this is. It's a mum problem but the bigger problem is OPs dh.

Not all mums mess around with contact last min based on the ability to party. This one does and dad thinks it's normal.

Run run run away. This is a red flag to more disfunction.

Also don't ditch your pals next time, they maybe more reliable than your DP turns out to be due to his lack of spine.

I'm a mum btw and I wouldn't ever do this without good reason because it would unsettle my daughter and she comes first.

Original poster

exdrivesmemad · 06/04/2023 23:38

@PeterRabbitIsNotHere it was getting better. I also think at my age finding a man without kids will be almost impossible. After 2 awful long term relationships, he’s a breath of fresh air.

to all of you - yes I was dumb cancelling. He could have come with me if he was free.

Everything is now totally up in the air, ex is messing around even more.

I have furniture arriving from IKEA on Saturday so I shall spend my time in my home making it and organising my space more.

OP posts:

SD1978 · 07/04/2023 00:15

Cancelling friends because you got a better offer from your boyfriend, was the first mistake. You'd made plans with them first, and blew them off because he said he was free...... now he isn't your miffed.

Reugny · 07/04/2023 00:20

OP if you are that old - an I doubt it - then you can find men with adult kids.

Anyway the problem is your boyfriend not his kids. He needs to stop screwing them around by bending to their mum's whims. Personally I'd throw him back.

Original poster

exdrivesmemad · 07/04/2023 00:37

I never said the kids were a problem. They are lovely and innocents in all of this. Their mum just uses them as pawns in her controlling games. She’s so full of shit it is unbelievable.
I have been a single mother in the past with an ex that didn’t want to see his DD. I don’t understand her behaviour.
He would take the children more but she won’t agree to a further arrangement of a night during the week (I think it’s important the kids have a structure, and know when they are seeing dad) but she is happy to call when it suits her at the last minute.
She let him change one weekend last year so we could have one night away at a concert and she sent him voice messages the whole day, saying he was underpaying child support by £1 per month and he had to sort it immediately.
Maybe we can all do something together. My adult DD isn’t seeing me until Monday.

OP posts:

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 07/04/2023 07:32

Although you think that at your age finding a man without kids will be almost impossible not all men with kids act the same and not all their exes will be a nightmare. You need to find one with stronger boundaries because this situation will only get worse. And have boundaries yourself - no more cancelling stuff to see him! By doing that you’re telling your OH you’re happy being only an option for him whilst also telling your friends they’re only an option for you too.

thegrain · 07/04/2023 08:55

I completely understand the disappointment in the flip flopping of arrangements. It happens every so often with my DH's ex but it isn't a big deal for me, the kids are always welcome her as long as DH is here.

Going forward i think this is where you can help yourself I originally had plans for this weekend but cancelled them last week because he was going to be free and then we had made plans. don't do this. Don't cancel things around his kids contact schedule. I know it's tempting but you live your life otherwise this will lead to resentment.

thegrain · 07/04/2023 08:56

exdrivesmemad · 07/04/2023 00:37

I never said the kids were a problem. They are lovely and innocents in all of this. Their mum just uses them as pawns in her controlling games. She’s so full of shit it is unbelievable.
I have been a single mother in the past with an ex that didn’t want to see his DD. I don’t understand her behaviour.
He would take the children more but she won’t agree to a further arrangement of a night during the week (I think it’s important the kids have a structure, and know when they are seeing dad) but she is happy to call when it suits her at the last minute.
She let him change one weekend last year so we could have one night away at a concert and she sent him voice messages the whole day, saying he was underpaying child support by £1 per month and he had to sort it immediately.
Maybe we can all do something together. My adult DD isn’t seeing me until Monday.

He could ignore the voice messages though. Until he was ready to listen to them.

Fridaysgirl17 · 07/04/2023 09:15

This is what I do when my ex is on one,he will message constantly & send voice notes over silly things,last one was because our son said he was tired on a facetime call & didn't want to talk,it was a Friday at 6 he had been in school all week & had a bug also so wasn't himself (calls are not court ordered but I offered them twice a week between his 1 night contact which he asked for in court). The kids were with me so I knew they were ok & his messages were not to do with kids so I muted him until I was ready,he doesn't get to control my time anymore 🙄

Original poster

exdrivesmemad · 07/04/2023 10:44

@thegrain I haven’t actually done that for a long time. I did in the past and should have learned from that. I guess it was because I expected not to see him for 10 days and an opportunity came up. But he also decided it was time for the children to get to know me a bit and I saw them together 3 times this week, which certainly wasn’t expected. He is getting better at dealing with the ex.
And I am also feeling better with being on my own.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 07/04/2023 17:17

SnarkyBag · 06/04/2023 22:24

Karma for ditching other people first!

half joking but in future don’t make your plans around his contact.

This. Soz.

SquidwardBound · 07/04/2023 17:50

The thing about these situations is that the focus that gets placed on the unreasonable ex (however genuinely unreasonable she is) tends to distract you so that you’re not properly seeing the man or his role in the dysfunction.

Even more so if you’re also giving him the ‘oh his children must come first’ pass alongside this. He’s not powerless in any of this. Really he’s not.

Genuinely, you don’t need to somehow decide that you’re old now and you’ll need to just accept being embroiled in someone’s ongoing dysfunctional relationship with his ex.

The only thing you can do is to have good boundaries. Don’t plan your life around him or his contact. Be annoyed at him if he lets you down or allows things to be ruined because he’s not set reasonable boundaries with his ex.

MeridianB · 07/04/2023 18:37

Most non-resident parents will always say yes to having their children more if they can. But it’s worth looking very carefully at how your BF deals with his ex’s nonsense. If he caves into everything, regardless of how unreasonable it is, then that’s unlikely to change and I’d be reconsidering the future.

If he’s fed up with his ex changing access then he can go to mediation/court and get it formalised, and request more time. Same for CMS if he’s not already using them - they can formalise the minimum amount he pays.

HeckyPeck · 07/04/2023 19:39

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 07/04/2023 07:32

Although you think that at your age finding a man without kids will be almost impossible not all men with kids act the same and not all their exes will be a nightmare. You need to find one with stronger boundaries because this situation will only get worse. And have boundaries yourself - no more cancelling stuff to see him! By doing that you’re telling your OH you’re happy being only an option for him whilst also telling your friends they’re only an option for you too.

I agree. My husband wouldn't have cancelled plans with me because his ex wanted to go partying all weekend.

I would have a real think about if you want to be in a relationship with someone who's always going to put his ex above you and where you'll never know if your plans will actually go ahead.