Is it wrong to feel disappointed?

[exdrivesmemad]

This weekend is my OH’s weekend with his DDs. As it is also school holidays he has had them since last Friday.
2 days before pick up, his ex said she wanted them back tomorrow because it is her birthday over the weekend.
This evening she has now said she doesn’t want them back because she’s going out to party all weekend instead.
I have only recently met the DDs (6&8) after 18 months together. He didn’t want to introduce me until he felt we had something strong and he was aware that they have been upset with their mum moving boyfriends in and then they only stay a few months. We don’t live together.
I originally had plans for this weekend but cancelled them last week because he was going to be free and then we had made plans.
Now I feel that I can’t say I’m free again because I don’t want to mess people around.
I just feel disappointed, it’s not his fault and his children should always come first.
She just drives me mad, so many things cancelled because she changes her mind last minute or phones saying the children are crying for him.

OP he set the first of many boundaries he needs to set and stick to.

Don't be surprised if his ex decides to punish him.

Well good frankly.

Btw the behaviour will escalate for a while whilst the ex try's to regain the upper hand. I suspect she will guilt trip him which isn't ok. But common.

Good news your DH has decided to say no.

irrespective of whether she tries to "punish" him in the future he's at least trying to do things a different way. One step at a time. Before you know it those children will start to express their own preferences, which both parents will do well to listen to.

I think it's sad that she rings him trying to palm off her kids and he says no.

Hopefully the kids don't realise that neither parent wants to babysit them.

@Laurdo

I understand what you are trying to say but why would you resent that your DH's tried to get money off him - they have DCs together.

I'm sure if you split up with him, you'd be after 50% of his assets; why should she be different?

Women on MN are generally encouraged to see men as cash cows IMO.

You mean you hope the kids don't learn that their mother doesn't want them because they are an inconvenience to her?

Long term your mother not wanting you and palming you off on your dad or any other adult when she feels like leads to emotional and/or mental health problems.

And yes I do know and have met adults this happened to from childhood.

Oh and parents don't babysit their own children.

@Reugny
She makes it clear that the little one is an inconvenience.
What sort of mother says that a 4 year old is a devil and should live with her father full time?
What sort of mother sends a child to nursery for the whole day when the other child is at home during school holidays?

@THisbackwithavengeance
He said it hurt to say no, but he said he has to set boundaries or she just expects him to be at her beck and call for everything.

I would like to see them co-parent successfully. I would like him to get an overnight during the week organised with her. It gives her an evening off and him more time and if it is a set day that they know they are going to see him it’s better for everyone.

She sent a message at 6:30 yesterday, it’s really not enough notice.

She also needs to learn how to budget - rent and utilities should come before everything. But these aren’t her priorities. What can he do? He knows she has enough money to cover them and not be short per month for other things, so why should he throw money at her because she asks. He buys most of the children’s clothes and shoes.
Often she calls before he takes them back saying she needs things from the supermarket and he gets them for her.
He is not shirking any responsibility for his children. He would have them full time if he could.

OP it's actually normal to send younger kids to nursery/CM while the older child is at home during the school holidays as unless you specifically asked for a term time only place you are still paying for it. The younger kid(s) will have their own friends there plus will be doing things for their age group. My DD has spent some of the days this week at nursery/CM with kids whose older sibling(s) they live with full time are on school holiday.

Anyway you need to work out how much of his stuff you are willing to listen to as it's up to him to set boundaries with his ex and deal with how he reacts to her behaviour.

From her FB it looks like she managed to go out last night any way - so there may be no repercussions.

Because he knows that the money wouldn't be spent on the kids. She was given enough that she could have put a deposit down on a house but she didn't. Her DD didn't have her own bed yet her mother was bragging on social media about her new karen millen outfits and new laboutins. The money was just frittered away. She gets uniform grants for the kids but didn't buy them any school stuff last year. She got her DD5 a badge for her birthday then tried to palm off the gifts from her mum as joint gifts from her too.

@THisbackwithavengeance Its the mum who wanted to go out partying while not having enough money for water and electric.

And if she did manage to go out lets hope she didnt leave the kids on their own.
FYI its not babysitting its parenting

Make yourself a priority in your own life

This.

Have an honest conversation about how he wants his relationship with his ex to be. If that's not for you move on. I'd hazard a guess he doesn't want to pander to her but he's scared. This is so common with the Dad's I work with in separated families.

I am making my life a priority to me.

He wants it to be more friendly. He wants it to be that she isn’t calling and shouting and complaining about everything. Demanding that he provides more. He does buy most of the children’s clothes and shoes, school supplies etc. He buys her shopping for a week from time to time. He just doesn’t want to throw cash at her because she has no idea how to budget and prioritise where he money goes. 40 cigarettes a day are more important.