Is it wrong to feel disappointed?

[exdrivesmemad]

This weekend is my OH’s weekend with his DDs. As it is also school holidays he has had them since last Friday.
2 days before pick up, his ex said she wanted them back tomorrow because it is her birthday over the weekend.
This evening she has now said she doesn’t want them back because she’s going out to party all weekend instead.
I have only recently met the DDs (6&8) after 18 months together. He didn’t want to introduce me until he felt we had something strong and he was aware that they have been upset with their mum moving boyfriends in and then they only stay a few months. We don’t live together.
I originally had plans for this weekend but cancelled them last week because he was going to be free and then we had made plans.
Now I feel that I can’t say I’m free again because I don’t want to mess people around.
I just feel disappointed, it’s not his fault and his children should always come first.
She just drives me mad, so many things cancelled because she changes her mind last minute or phones saying the children are crying for him.

"I would have a real think about if you want to be in a relationship with someone who's always going to put his ex above you and where you'll never know if your plans will actually go ahead."

This. Sorry if it's not what you want to hear OP. Obviously your partner's ex is behaving very badly, but it is how your partner is pandering to her that is the problem. If this is the first time this has happened, then you can have a discussion about how to avoid this situation in the future and move on, but if it's a fairly regular thing that he's letting you down to pander to his ex, then you seriously need to put some boundaries in place (and end the relationship if your boundaries are being trampled on)!

Best of luck.

The ex can only mess around with arrangements if he lets her. You can't change her or control her behaviour but you partner can change how he deals with her. He doesn't have to agree to have the kids just because she wants him to. He needs to put better boundaries in place with his ex.

My DH and ex have a schedule and any requests to change needs to have 4 weeks notice, for family parties, occasions etc. If she makes any short notice requests he may or may not agree depending on what other plans he has. He'd never drop plans to accommodate his ex unless it was an emergency. He also always consults me first before agreeing to any change in the arrangements.

If he was in you situation and his ex had requested the kids that weekend then changed her mind he would say "sorry, I've made plans now you'll need to make alternative arrangements".

The whole ‘of course a parent is going to want to see their children extra time if possible’ thing is not entirely fair in this stuff.

As a parent, if you know you aren’t responsible for your child(ren) at a particular time, then you often make plans. It’s not fair to just drop those plans because your ex says she wants you to have the kids.

Interestingly, these NRPs aren’t generally dropping work commitments to look after their children. They’re not taking the day off because they’re sick on their ex’s time (although many threads indicate they’re happy for their wives to have that dropped on them). They’re not cancelling work trips away because their ex has offered them an extra Wednesday night. They’re not cancelling a friends’ birthday party or stay do (or something they want to do).

So, if they’re dropping their girlfriend on this basis, then it’s a pretty clear sign that things are not going to work. Similarly if they don’t change their plans, but expect their partner to change theirs so they can be their childcare.

It gets more ridiculous. He took the kids back to her yesterday.
She complained that her water and electricity were going to be cut off and he said so why are you going out to party. She then denied that she said she was partying and that she wanted him to take the children.
We are now carrying on with our plans today. She’s a narc and he has to find a way to deal with it.

OP everyone is pointing out your boyfriend has boundary issues with his ex.

Talk to him about it and point out how his lack of boundaries, so his children don't know where they are staying in day to day, is going to emotionally and mentally screw up his children.

If he says stuff like you don't like his children then you need to decide when to end this relationship as it won't get better.

@SquidwardBound
He has cancelled work commitments to take the children when they have been sick. But the ex has recently quit her job as she says she cannot work with 2 children (1 in nursery, 1 in school). In the past he has taken the children when she has had work commitments.
Recently she called asking him to take one of the children because she was sick but ex wasn’t working and he is self employed and he said no. Then came the messages and the rage.
I was a single mother 20 years ago. I was completely alone with my ex not interested in his daughter at all. We had been together for 10 years. I had no family around and dealt with it. It was hard. But I made a better life for myself, got a good job.
His ex has family around but unfortunately her culture believes that a man must provide for the woman and treat her like a princess and now they are not together anymore she believes he should still do that.

People like this will always kick off if they don't get their own way. You just need to learn to ignore it. Pandering to their wants or even giving them any kind of response is exactly what they want. It can be hard not to respond when she's making wild comments and accusations but as long as you DP is a good dad he shouldn't have to justify himself to her.

This is how we deal with my DHs ex and things have gotten easier as time has gone on and he's stood firmly with his boundaries.

Life is too short for this. I shouldn’t be taking up head space with this.

@Reugny he agrees with me over this, that the children need stability and a schedule. I totally understand there can be emergencies, but not just whims.
The best would be that they lived with him.

You need to stop comparing your experience of single parenting with hers. It is completely irrelevant. You didn’t have a co parents but this single Mum does, and she has every right to expect her children’s Dad to be around for them. Routine is good for children but parenting doesn’t work like that. Children often need their parents outside of set contact time and your boyfriends responsibilities are a permanent feature of his life right now, even if he doesn’t live with his children. It is right that you come second while his children are still young and all you can do is decide wether you’re willing to put up with it or not.

This.

We did the same with my DPs ex.

My DP also got a new phone and email address, and left her with the old details plus uses them for their child. This means he can and does choose to switch off from her BS.

It's taken much longer than others we know to learnt not to leave irrelevant voicemails, texts and emails but she has learnt her lack of planning is not his emergency.

@MelchiorsMistress explain to the OP how it is appropriate to leave multiple voicemails in one day of an underpayment of a debt of one pound?

Until you have seen toxic separated parents in action you don't believe how nasty some men and women are, and this includes to their own children.

So you are with a man who chops and changes plans due to his ex and goes along with whatever she wants.

This doesn’t suit you. It’s really that simple. It doesn’t suit you.

The fact that you now are embarrassed to go back to the people you had plans with and try and get involved again, is entirely down to the fact that you ditched them because your boyfriend was free. That’s not her fault or his fault. That’s was your own choice. So own that. You aren’t at the whim of him or her.

You need to make your choices, along with the results of those choices. Including the choice to stay in the relationship. You do have the power to change your situation. It may mean moving on without him.

It’s not appropriate, but however unreasonable the children’s mother is, she is still their mother and she is still going to be part of her boyfriends life for as long as the children are still young. He has already made the commitment to her and the children they chose to create together and that isn’t going to change in the near future. OP can’t control any of that, all she can do is control her own reaction. Her choices are to cope with it or to leave because she simply doesn’t have the power to do anything else.

Sounds like she's not got the idea that favours stopped when they split

You don't live together, so make your own social arrangements and plans and stay firm on them. I would try to avoid weekends when he has his children, then you don't have to get caught up in the drama.

presumably this time round it was disrupted by the fact it was the children's mum's birthday and under normal circumstances he has a regular care pattern.

if he hasn't been sufficiently well organised to get something formal in place for the care/contact time with his own children,I'd think carefully about how many years you're prepared to put up with this for. If he hasn't made that a priority, to enable him to balance parental duties with the rest of his life then you have to question his character.

Yes I am embarrassed to go back to my friends. I shouldn’t have done it and haven’t for a long time.
Ex can’t decide what she wants now this weekend. We will just play things by ear.
I will be out with my DD and her DP no matter what on Monday.
just wanted to vent a bit and hear how others deal with toxic exes.
I won’t end things with him because of this. I caused the disappointment myself, and I do have plenty of other things I can do.

@thegrain exactly.
she asked for a car the other week, while complaining that she couldn’t pay her rent and bills.

The only way I found to deal with the ex was to totally disengage from her. Told DH I didn’t want to know, but he was pretty good at disengaging too. There was the odd flare up but she went pretty quiet when she realised she wasn’t getting any attention. Her worst was getting the kids to spy on us and report back. She got wildly wrong impressions from them. Hateful woman!

@daisychain01 he does have a regular care pattern set up with every second weekend as is standard here when the parents were not married. It was also his week because of the holidays.
He would be happy to have 50:50 but then there is the school problem.
When they split he asked her to stay in the area so the kids could stay where they were for school and nursery. He even offered more maintenance so this could happen. She said no, she wanted to go back to her home town, 40 minutes away. Not easy for school drop off and pick up every second week especially as he’s self employed so no work equals no money which she also doesn’t understand - she then accuses him of caring more about his work.
He has also suggested he takes them overnight every Wednesday and this has also been refused.

Disengage from her. Do your own thing. And hope that your BF does the same.

She’s clearly lying about the bills as there is a law preventing water being cut off.

What is it with these women and their sense of entertainment? When they were together my DH had his own car and his ex used to have a company car until she gave up her job. She'd then use DHs car. DH always told her she'd have to save some money in case she ever had to buy her own car. She never did. When they split obviously DH kept his car and she complained that he'd left her without a car. She also complained that due to them splitting she now had to pay for things by herself. They'd been split 6 months and she asked him for £600 for lawyers fees to pay for her case against him. Like, WTF? She emailed him about him paying her ongoing support despite the fact that custody was 50:50. They were never married, yet he gave her a large lump sum of money after selling his house. The house and mortgage was in his name and he paid the mortgage solely so she was actually entitled to nothing. She tried to take him to court because she wanted more than the lump sum he had given her. It was thrown out before getting to court as she had no case. She has been unemployed since they split and has a council house. Her dad bought her a car. She still blames DH for her current financial situation.

Entitlement*

For your own sanity and for your relationship with your OH to survive it sounds from what you've said that it's best to create a degree of separation from the complexity of the care arrangement which unfortunately so often becomes the Sword of Damocles between parents.

Your OH has done what he can, for whatever reason the mother wants things her way. You can't control her behaviour all you can do is control your response. If you can, try not to vilify her as being toxic. She probably isn't although It may seem like she is from your perspective but there is often a second side. It's frustrating but keeping those boundaries means she doesn't have a hold on your life. It won't be forever, that's for sure.

So he set his boundary this evening. She called at 6 asking him to take the children. He said no.
He told me that it really hurt him but that he said no but she can’t always get what she demands at short notice. Things are moving forward.