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Step-parenting

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Original poster

New Contact Arrangement

85 replies

helloproblem · 15/03/2023 15:42

Me and my DP are moving from what was a half hour drive from DSC to an hours drive away.
I'm just wondering what people's contact arrangements are and how your husbands deal with being further away from their children?
Currently my DP has his boys two evenings after school and sees them every weekend for an overnight stay, tea time to tea time.
I don't feel the evenings will be possible anymore as logistically there is just not enough time to get them home after school and run them to their mums before bed... also 4 hours in the car would be ridiculous and expensive.
Me and my DP have been together 5 years and have a 5 month old.
We currently live in a two bedroom flat but moving to a 4 bedroom house so the upgrade allows the DSC to have a room each

OP posts:
smellyflowers · 15/03/2023 15:44

What did DH discuss with their mum re contact before you agreed to the move?

Theunamedcat · 15/03/2023 15:44

Well, it's up to him isn't it? Doesn't matter how you feel

smellyflowers · 15/03/2023 15:45

Personally I think every other weekend, the whole weekend, and an evening in the week on the Thursday or Friday he isn't having them overnight and half of the school holidays is the basic minimum.

Ihatethenewlook · 15/03/2023 15:45

What’s the point of moving so far away that you can barely see them anymore? So that’s over a weeks worth of evenings a month lost straight away during term time?

smellyflowers · 15/03/2023 15:46

Oh and that's with DH living over an hour away from hospital kids. But really these things need to be thought about before you move.

gogohmm · 15/03/2023 15:47

How old are the dsc? Can they travel independently yet? As you are the ones moving then it's usually assumed that mist travel will be their dads responsibility but an hour isn't that far. Decreasing to once a week after school but 2 days every other weekend could be an option

Original poster
helloproblem · 15/03/2023 15:47

The move comes with a job offer for DP, office in current town is sadly closing so not a great deal of choice

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 15/03/2023 15:48

So who is going to look after them now on those evenings?

smellyflowers · 15/03/2023 15:48

Oh yes, if dad moves he should do both journeys.

smellyflowers · 15/03/2023 15:49

ArcticSkewer · 15/03/2023 15:48

So who is going to look after them now on those evenings?

Yes, is it just being assumed mum will sort it. Or is he arranging child care for "his" evenings.

titchy · 15/03/2023 15:49

Obviously as a caring and involved father he'll want to continue the current routine as it would seem to be working well for his dcs. And obviously as a decent human being he wouldn't drop their mother in it, so presumably he is happy to continue and do the necessary driving.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 15/03/2023 15:51

Of course he should still do the journeys, they can't just be put in a box for the two nights.

Original poster
helloproblem · 15/03/2023 15:51

The journey isn't a problem for him but he doesn't get them overnight during the week as mum likes them home so 4 hours in the car is quite a lot, if he kept his current arrangement it would be 16 hours a week in the car for him and 8 for them

OP posts:
smellyflowers · 15/03/2023 15:52

He could pick them up and take them out for dinner somewhere near their mums, that's what DH does. She moved miles away from family home so he had no choice then he moved a bit nearer and still does this.

Original poster
helloproblem · 15/03/2023 15:53

@smellyflowers this could definitely be an option

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 15/03/2023 15:53

Maybe they could start staying overnight during the week, now you have more room?

Tbh there are many solutions but it's for him and his ex to discuss.

It could be time to move to 50:50 for example, one week each.

CathyCandle · 15/03/2023 15:53

Could you have them an overnight during the week instead of the 2 evenings?

Ihatethenewlook · 15/03/2023 15:53

ArcticSkewer · 15/03/2023 15:48

So who is going to look after them now on those evenings?

I’d also be interested to know who’s going to be taking care of the kids on all of these days he’s now refusing to have them? It’s funny how ‘the office is closing so he’s moving an hour away for a new job, theres not much option really’ is a perfectly acceptable excuse for a man to abandon his kids. Can you just imagine a child’s mother coming out with ‘oh my jobs finishing and the next one I want is an hour away, I’m just gonna knob off without my kids, their dad can sort out them on the days I used to have them because I don’t give enough of a shite to’?

BethDuttonsTwin · 15/03/2023 15:53

Have you asked him what he wants to do without asserting your own obvious preferences as described in your OP? Because clearly you’ve decided it’s not going to work anymore but there’s four other people whose opinions are, arguably, more important than yours.

Original poster
helloproblem · 15/03/2023 15:57

I'm just curious what other people do that live this distance away, it was just recently decided so the real conversations of how it will work havnt happened yet

OP posts:
KalvinPhillipsBoots · 15/03/2023 15:58

You need to collect them, you moved away from them so it's on your partner to collect them. If he no longer can then shame on you both for not thinking of these little ones first.

worried4698643 · 15/03/2023 15:59

helloproblem · 15/03/2023 15:57

I'm just curious what other people do that live this distance away, it was just recently decided so the real conversations of how it will work havnt happened yet

IME contact goes down to EOW.

RP is left to sort childcare, do all the grunt work, homework, clubs and has to get on with it.

smellyflowers · 15/03/2023 16:01

helloproblem · 15/03/2023 15:53

@smellyflowers this could definitely be an option

It worked well until secondary school now they don't want to go bowling etc

smellyflowers · 15/03/2023 16:02

Oh and he does a 3hour round trip to take eldest DSC to a club after school. So it will help if his work can be flexible.

MeridianB · 15/03/2023 16:26

Could extend his existing weekend to include collecting from school and overnight on a Friday then all weekend and drop off back at school on a Monday (or back to mum’s on Sunday eve)?

And/or collect from school on Friday for an overnight on his non weekends?