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Step-parenting

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Original poster

New Contact Arrangement

85 replies

helloproblem · 15/03/2023 15:42

Me and my DP are moving from what was a half hour drive from DSC to an hours drive away.
I'm just wondering what people's contact arrangements are and how your husbands deal with being further away from their children?
Currently my DP has his boys two evenings after school and sees them every weekend for an overnight stay, tea time to tea time.
I don't feel the evenings will be possible anymore as logistically there is just not enough time to get them home after school and run them to their mums before bed... also 4 hours in the car would be ridiculous and expensive.
Me and my DP have been together 5 years and have a 5 month old.
We currently live in a two bedroom flat but moving to a 4 bedroom house so the upgrade allows the DSC to have a room each

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 15/03/2023 19:51

This is why Dp and his ex made a commitment to living near each other until the children are no longer needing to go between houses frequently. I don't understand why more people don't do this. It makes life so much easier for everyone!

Because it doesn't necessarily make things easier for the adults in terms of work/living costs. There are little to no job prospects in my DPs field in his exes area. I understand the argument that it's better for the kids, but it certainly wouldn't have been easier for us.

smellyflowers · 15/03/2023 19:52

Nailsandthesea · 15/03/2023 19:45

It’s not 4 hours for them.

it’s one hour for them to yours and one hour back

contact is valuable

Yeah it's not as bad for the kids, they only do one leg each way

Snugglemonkey · 15/03/2023 19:53

Ime, people stay close to the DC and commute for the job. This allows for proper co-parenting.

Teatime55 · 15/03/2023 20:10

It doesn’t sound ideal but I assume plans are set.

I’d say he takes them out for tea once a week, they stay 2 nights every other weekend. They come in the holidays more.
Whats his relationship with his ex like? If it was good, I would say he could still see them 2 nights a week if he could go round to hers, but I realise that doesn’t work for a lot of people.

NewNameNigel · 15/03/2023 20:44

aSofaNearYou · 15/03/2023 19:51

This is why Dp and his ex made a commitment to living near each other until the children are no longer needing to go between houses frequently. I don't understand why more people don't do this. It makes life so much easier for everyone!

Because it doesn't necessarily make things easier for the adults in terms of work/living costs. There are little to no job prospects in my DPs field in his exes area. I understand the argument that it's better for the kids, but it certainly wouldn't have been easier for us.

If you pick the right place to live in the first place, eg one with good job prospects it really is. It was a carefully considered decision, taking a lot of factors into account. It wasnt one parent dictating where both lived.

For one thing it makes it a lot easier to be flexible with contact when there's not a long drive involved which has benefitted, us, dp's ex and the children over the years.

It also means that the children can come over for dinner in the week on a more ad hoc basis which has been great for them maintaining a relationship with their dad as teens when weekends have been busy.

The children were able to join in with a weekly hobby on Saturday morning with whoever they were with taking them.

It meant that when one of them had to go to a&e when they were with their mum dp was able to immediately collect the other one.

Ultimately the ops husband should find a way to make this work that doesn't impact his ex or children negatively. The only way I can see is him doing the extra travelling, whether this is commuting to work or travelling more to see his children.

holachicas · 15/03/2023 21:11

No one is dictating to mum at all and it is different for the RP.

The RP does have to kids to consider a majority of the time, the NRP does have more flexibility given they see the children less that 20% of the time. Maybe dad can offer to pay for afterschool club those 2 evenings a week.

Opinions would be very different if it was mum deciding to move for work…people NRP ally expect dad to traipse after mum rather than mum not move in the first place.

lookluv · 15/03/2023 21:24

He needs to suck it up.
I drove 2 hrs on a Friday round the M25 and 3 hrs home some weeks to ensure my DCs stayed in contact with their DF. It was soul destroying and exhausting along with sitting in an empty car, no chatter and going home to an empty house.

They are now teens and they now understand what I did to help their relationship with their father. If I had left it to him they would never have seen him - absolute plan of the then DPof Ex

NerdyBird · 15/03/2023 21:56

My DSC's mum (NRP) lived 40 mins away at one point, and it was a pain if the children wanted to do anything at home (party, clubs) on her weekend as she would rarely drive them even though she moved. It was much easier when she moved to be 15 mins away.

Now she's moved much further away again, too far even for weekends so doesn't really see them.

Things can change a great deal over the years. I would stay living as close as you realistically can, for as long as you can.

NewNameNigel · 15/03/2023 22:16

the NRP does have more flexibility given they see the children less that 20% of the time

If dp saw his children for such a low amount of time he'd move heaven and earth to see them more, not move further away and refuse to travel so he sees them even less...

Pompom2367 · 15/03/2023 22:21

If it's to far to come back and forth on weekdays DP should take them for dinner on those days

holachicas · 15/03/2023 22:29

@NewNameNigel
You’re projecting

NewNameNigel · 15/03/2023 22:36

holachicas · 15/03/2023 22:29

@NewNameNigel
You’re projecting

Projecting what?
The 20% figure came from you, who started a thread asking for advice on moving away and therefore cutting mid week visits.

Either your posts are misleading or your husband isn't a particularly involved dad.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 16/03/2023 06:18

Hi OP,

Please ignore everyone digging at you, it doesn't help and nobody knows the ins and outs of your situation. Stepmums are judged sooooo harshly on mumsnet. If you were the bio Mum in this situation with a move coming up due to work I guarantee the responses would be different.

My thoughts:

  1. List what your options are (include them ALL)
  2. From your list, with your partner, explore the options which you think could be the best for the kids, Don't make assumptions about the Mum, eg maybe now he's moving the Mum will permit an overnight stay in the week.
  3. Come up with 2 - 3 options, get clear on which one is your and your partners preference.
  4. Try and have your partner meet his ex face to face to chat it through (assuming they are able to communicate fairly effectively).

Good Luck

holachicas · 16/03/2023 08:51

@NewNameNigel
Erm, I’m not the OP?

You have no idea how involved dad is or how involved he’s allowed to be. You’re making huge assumptions based on your own opinions and experiences. Wind it in.

Maedan · 16/03/2023 08:57

Ihatethenewlook · 15/03/2023 15:53

I’d also be interested to know who’s going to be taking care of the kids on all of these days he’s now refusing to have them? It’s funny how ‘the office is closing so he’s moving an hour away for a new job, theres not much option really’ is a perfectly acceptable excuse for a man to abandon his kids. Can you just imagine a child’s mother coming out with ‘oh my jobs finishing and the next one I want is an hour away, I’m just gonna knob off without my kids, their dad can sort out them on the days I used to have them because I don’t give enough of a shite to’?

Show quote history

You really need to read OPs statements before spouting off at strangers. You clearly haven't understood the situation and seem to be projecting your own issues 🙄🤔

Coffeepot72 · 16/03/2023 14:16

aSofaNearYou · 15/03/2023 16:28

We live that far away and we just do EOW Fri-Sun, plus extra in the holidays. We don't have him during the week. If mum is amenable to that I'd say he should probably cut at least one of those weekdays out and have them more of the weekend to compensate. If he's taking them out to dinner, this is a silly expense twice a week.

That sounds like a sensible arrangement. People sometimes get a bit fixated about mid-week visits but it’s not always practical

Original poster
helloproblem · 16/03/2023 14:38

@Coffeepot72
Exactly, I do wonder how good it is for the children, i especially think 50/50 where a child spends one week in one house them the next week in another one must be particularly hard on the children.
These children are age 8 and 11 and they are really starting to get a bit of a social life, I can imagine in 3 or 4 years time the thought of having so much time spent in a car or in a cafe with their dad is not so appealing. For the record I am only thinking what's best for the children and my DP. I would happily have them for the same amount of time but just not sure it's doable

OP posts:
holachicas · 16/03/2023 15:06

@helloproblem
A lot of judges, etc are recognising that 50/50 isn’t often in the child’s best interest. They don’t have “two homes” they have no homes…constant to and fro. It must be hard.

Disclaimer - I know it works for some people

KeeperSweeper · 16/03/2023 17:31

MeridianB · 15/03/2023 16:26

Could extend his existing weekend to include collecting from school and overnight on a Friday then all weekend and drop off back at school on a Monday (or back to mum’s on Sunday eve)?

And/or collect from school on Friday for an overnight on his non weekends?

I would do something like this, similar to what we do anyway even though we don't live that far from DSD mum. Although it depends on the kids themselves and their commitments/routines etc

KeeperSweeper · 16/03/2023 17:32

I favour the regular and predictable routine which is same each week - they know what they do each day. One week on one week off was a bad idea when my DH and ex tried it.

Coffeepot72 · 17/03/2023 06:35

I favour the regular and predictable routine which is same each week - they know what they do each day.

I get your point, but unfortunately real life is neither regular nor predictable, and a ‘set in stone’ schedule can be a real pain. DH’s ex made a rod for her own back by insisting on absolute rigidity, I think she came to regret this when her mother was ill.

A ‘together’ family doesn’t/couldn’t live like that, so I’ve no idea why separated families are expected to.

Laurdo · 17/03/2023 07:29

Coffeepot72 · 17/03/2023 06:35

I favour the regular and predictable routine which is same each week - they know what they do each day.

I get your point, but unfortunately real life is neither regular nor predictable, and a ‘set in stone’ schedule can be a real pain. DH’s ex made a rod for her own back by insisting on absolute rigidity, I think she came to regret this when her mother was ill.

A ‘together’ family doesn’t/couldn’t live like that, so I’ve no idea why separated families are expected to.

I think on the most part a set schedule is best for everyone but there has to be an allowance for some flexibility.

We have my DSC 50%. We have a set schedule but in the agreement it states that changes can be requested as long as enough notice is given and the other parent has no objections. For example if a family party falls on the other parents weekend the parent can request to have the kids for the Saturday evening.

My DH ex is high conflict so not having a regular schedule in place would be a disaster. DH tries to minimise contact with his ex as much as possible and will only speak to her when absolutely necessary.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/03/2023 08:45

I can't believe this wasn't part of the discussion when deciding to move house.

These are his children!!

My ex decided to move half an hour away. Tough. The contact is exactly the same. He does all the driving. It means he's had to start work 2 hours later to do his school drop off, and finish 2 hours earlier another day. Tough. These are decisions I had to make all the time. If he can't do one of his evenings, the girls can stay at mine but he needs to organise and pay for a sitter to do what he would be doing.

Am so bored of mothers being the default parent and fathers only dipping in and out at their own convenience.

holachicas · 17/03/2023 12:01

@arethereanyleftatall
Another projector

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/03/2023 09:37

holachicas · 15/03/2023 17:59

@NewNameNigel
DH is moving due to work and to give DC more space…should he stay in his small flat and take a job paying less money therefore having to reduce maintenance…what would mum and MN say to that?!

Mum doesn’t get to dictate dad’s life because they have a child together.

But yet Dad gets to dictate mum's life by suddenly expecting her to do the childcare on his days?

Op he needs to sort it. Mum is not his default childcare, its his responsibility.