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Step-parenting

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Original poster

New Contact Arrangement

85 replies

helloproblem · 15/03/2023 15:42

Me and my DP are moving from what was a half hour drive from DSC to an hours drive away.
I'm just wondering what people's contact arrangements are and how your husbands deal with being further away from their children?
Currently my DP has his boys two evenings after school and sees them every weekend for an overnight stay, tea time to tea time.
I don't feel the evenings will be possible anymore as logistically there is just not enough time to get them home after school and run them to their mums before bed... also 4 hours in the car would be ridiculous and expensive.
Me and my DP have been together 5 years and have a 5 month old.
We currently live in a two bedroom flat but moving to a 4 bedroom house so the upgrade allows the DSC to have a room each

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 15/03/2023 16:28

We live that far away and we just do EOW Fri-Sun, plus extra in the holidays. We don't have him during the week. If mum is amenable to that I'd say he should probably cut at least one of those weekdays out and have them more of the weekend to compensate. If he's taking them out to dinner, this is a silly expense twice a week.

holachicas · 15/03/2023 17:06

My DSD lives a couple of hours away…we have her EOW and half the school holidays. Regardless of what people think, you have to consider what the children will think to being stuck in the car for 2hrs after school…they come first, not mums childcare.

Vastula · 15/03/2023 17:17

He’s not changing the overnights then, just the evening contact.

Visiting and taking them out locally would work, but maybe one evening a week rather than two.

Having 2/3 weekends rather than every other.

Ask to have them more a couple of extra weeks in the holidays.

NewNameNigel · 15/03/2023 17:22

BethDuttonsTwin · 15/03/2023 15:53

Have you asked him what he wants to do without asserting your own obvious preferences as described in your OP? Because clearly you’ve decided it’s not going to work anymore but there’s four other people whose opinions are, arguably, more important than yours.

Yes this

You seem to think that its OK for you to move and decide that mum now has to do more. Does she not get a say in this?
Have you even considered that your step children might not want to spend EOW away from their friends. Are you prepared to drive them back and forward or will you just expect them to miss out on their social life?
Are the step children also unable to do any regular weekend activities because you have decided to live further away and don't want to drive?

I think the obvious solution is that you don't move and your husband commutes. This is the kind of sacrifice parents make for their children all the time.

I get the feeling that he won't and his mum and your step son will be the ones who have to compromise.

Hapoydayz · 15/03/2023 17:22

Well it wouldn’t be fair to extend his weekends as then he gets all the downtime with the children and none of the school run, homework stuff that has to be done during the week

NewNameNigel · 15/03/2023 17:24

holachicas · 15/03/2023 17:06

My DSD lives a couple of hours away…we have her EOW and half the school holidays. Regardless of what people think, you have to consider what the children will think to being stuck in the car for 2hrs after school…they come first, not mums childcare.

Putting the children first is separated parents living close enough to each other so the children can easily move between homes.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/03/2023 17:30

NewNameNigel · 15/03/2023 17:24

Putting the children first is separated parents living close enough to each other so the children can easily move between homes.

Show quote history

Couldn’t agree more.

But every week on here a RP posts about wanting to move the DC away from their other parent cos work, grandparents, house prices, often a new boyfriend, and they’re merrily told to go ahead, happy mum = happy kids and other things are more important than regular contact with dad.

Bunnyishotandcross · 15/03/2023 17:38

I went from round he corner to 45 mins away.. Exh did zero trips. Ever. When dc got secondary school age they used bus /train sometimes. Bigger chunks of time is better judge said. Can you/dh collect from school Friday and take back to school Monday eow? Meal out midweek? Maybe trial and error to start op.

aSofaNearYou · 15/03/2023 17:44

People are so quick to jump to the negative here. We don't even know if the mum would be against changing the arrangement.

I wouldn't be commuting an hour every day and staying in a two bed flat as people have suggested when a solution that suits everyone could easily be found.

It's not always the worst thing.

holachicas · 15/03/2023 17:59

@NewNameNigel
DH is moving due to work and to give DC more space…should he stay in his small flat and take a job paying less money therefore having to reduce maintenance…what would mum and MN say to that?!

Mum doesn’t get to dictate dad’s life because they have a child together.

holachicas · 15/03/2023 17:59

@aSofaNearYou
Agreed.

lunar1 · 15/03/2023 18:12

Has he checked that his children's mum can do the extra time before he commits to this?

Candleabra · 15/03/2023 18:13

Surely the first question when even considering a move is what will happen about the children.
You say no choice to move - there is always a choice.
The discussion about the children should have happened at the start, and between the parents. As it is, the move is presented as a fait accompli to the mum. It’s highly likely this will impact her considerably. Your husband should keep to the existing arrangements. The additional driving is his problem.

quietnightmare · 15/03/2023 18:21

Surely a week each wouldn't work as an hour drive to the kids school in the morning every morning and an hour back each evening

One night to stay over in the week could work as only one morning of an hour drive and the whole weekend every other weekend Friday from school - Sunday or is the kids are too tired Saturday morning - Sunday evening

Changechangechanging · 15/03/2023 18:43

Mum doesn’t get to dictate dad’s life because they have a child together

yet it would seem the OP gets to dictate the mum’s life, having already made decisions about what contact will be acceptable and manageable. Not one fuck given about the impact on the children, nor how the ex might manage the inevitable changes to her life, imposed by an ex because they have children together. Confused

Laurdo · 15/03/2023 18:47

ArcticSkewer · 15/03/2023 15:53

Maybe they could start staying overnight during the week, now you have more room?

Tbh there are many solutions but it's for him and his ex to discuss.

It could be time to move to 50:50 for example, one week each.

50:50 wouldn't work. I'd assume the kids school is close to their mums so that would be a 2 hour round trip to get them to school every morning and then dad would have to get to work. Defeats the purpose of moving to where the new office is and not ideal for the kids having to get up an hour earlier. I think for 50:50 to work the parents need to live close to each other.

They definitely need to weigh up their options. What's more important, a bigger house, being close to work or spending adequate time with your kids? Not sure what dad does but surely it would be better to commute or find a job closer to where the kids mum lives.

My DH has 50:50 custody of his kids. His ex lives less than 10 mins away. DH work is almost an hour commute each way every day. He leaves at 6.30am in the morning so I do the school run. I work from home and done so before I met DH so it works well for us. He agreed with his work that he would start and finish early so he wasn't missing out on seeing his kids. DH is back home just after the kids are in from school. If I wasn't here to do the school run he'd find another job that allowed him to work round his kids.

When you have kids, especially when you're not with their other parent sometime sacrifices just have to be made and life can't be as ideal as you'd like.

blackbeardsballsack · 15/03/2023 19:03

Changechangechanging · 15/03/2023 18:43

Mum doesn’t get to dictate dad’s life because they have a child together

yet it would seem the OP gets to dictate the mum’s life, having already made decisions about what contact will be acceptable and manageable. Not one fuck given about the impact on the children, nor how the ex might manage the inevitable changes to her life, imposed by an ex because they have children together. Confused

Exactly this.

OP, you seem to have just decided (whether it's you or you and him) 'oh well, won't be able to see those kids much any more. Nothing we can do about it'.

There are so many options that don't involve the kid's dad just sacrificing time with them, that any reasonable parent would have already made plans for when they decided to move.

  • dad takes them out nearby to where they live on his weekday nights
  • dad has them overnight during the week in the bigger house that he's moving to
  • Friday to Sunday/Monday EOW and takes them out on weekday nights/has them overnight

It's a one hour drive, my commute to work is longer than that.

ChampagneBlossom44 · 15/03/2023 19:06

Gosh there’s some pretty catty responses! In our case the SKs mum moved to be nearer to her new partner & new job which meant understandably new schools closer to her new home etc. previously they had been here every weekend & a night in the week plus mornings being dropped off here so DH could do the school run & collected from the childminder near mums work in the evenings if she was working a later shift. Mum wasn’t happy for them to stay midweek overnights any more after the move because she felt (& I agree she was right & frankly it doesn’t matter who made the choice to move, the girls were quite young at the time) the travel in the mornings was too disruptive to their sleep & one was a bit car sick on longer journeys. The routine now looks like weekend 1 - one night staying over, weekend 2 - full weekend staying over, week 3 - one night staying over, week 4 - weekend with mum for quality family time at her home. And repeat. With flexibility both sides if other arrangements need to be made. A few nights a week DH takes the girls to their activities and even on the weekends they aren’t here he will generally see them at some point if their activities are on, as mum can’t be in 2 places at once with them. It’s a lot of driving & I barely see DH to be honest in the week, but my feeling is they won’t be children for long & I barely saw my other parent after divorce so I feel this works well. DH would like to see them more but, it is what it is. DH does all the driving as mum has other commitments with looking after her DP’s child & if he doesn’t collect them or drop them off he wouldn’t see them at all. I hope you find a solution that works for you all.

WasIWasINot · 15/03/2023 19:14

worried4698643 · 15/03/2023 15:59

IME contact goes down to EOW.

RP is left to sort childcare, do all the grunt work, homework, clubs and has to get on with it.

Show quote history

And as they get older the kids want to spend less and less time with the NRP because it’s too far from their friends and activities, and the relationship suffers as a result.

NewNameNigel · 15/03/2023 19:36

holachicas · 15/03/2023 17:59

@NewNameNigel
DH is moving due to work and to give DC more space…should he stay in his small flat and take a job paying less money therefore having to reduce maintenance…what would mum and MN say to that?!

Mum doesn’t get to dictate dad’s life because they have a child together.

But your husband can dictate that his ex has to change her routine to suit you.

Why can't he commute and use his higher wages to get a bigger place where you are?

NewNameNigel · 15/03/2023 19:38

WasIWasINot · 15/03/2023 19:14

And as they get older the kids want to spend less and less time with the NRP because it’s too far from their friends and activities, and the relationship suffers as a result.

Show quote history

This is why Dp and his ex made a commitment to living near each other until the children are no longer needing to go between houses frequently. I don't understand why more people don't do this. It makes life so much easier for everyone!

smellyflowers · 15/03/2023 19:41

Hapoydayz · 15/03/2023 17:22

Well it wouldn’t be fair to extend his weekends as then he gets all the downtime with the children and none of the school run, homework stuff that has to be done during the week

He wouldn't get both. Just the whole of one. And homework can be double at the weekend.

jemimapuddlepluck · 15/03/2023 19:42

holachicas · 15/03/2023 17:59

@NewNameNigel
DH is moving due to work and to give DC more space…should he stay in his small flat and take a job paying less money therefore having to reduce maintenance…what would mum and MN say to that?!

Mum doesn’t get to dictate dad’s life because they have a child together.

Would normally agree with this seeing as though stepmothers nearly always get the shitty end of the stick BUT isnt this what the op and her DH are doing? They are dictating that the mum has to pick up these two evenings and the stepkids miss out on seeing their dad.
This should be discussed with mum and what she wants/needs she might not be bothered or she might have commitments those evenings. Then DH needs to come up with a solution. If I were him, I would suggest going to them at least one of the nights. He could take them out for tea, get some quality time with them 😊

Nailsandthesea · 15/03/2023 19:45

It’s not 4 hours for them.

it’s one hour for them to yours and one hour back

contact is valuable

aSofaNearYou · 15/03/2023 19:47

Why can't he commute and use his higher wages to get a bigger place where you are?

We don't yet know that changing the arrangement would be an issue for the children's mum. She might be fine with it. She might not, but she might be.

Meanwhile, even if this is logistically possible (ie if house prices are the same in their area so they could afford to get a bigger place on his new wages factoring in the cost of commuting), it would come with disadvantages - he might get home after his 5 month old's bed time every day and never see them during the week, for example. This might be a factor in why they have decided to move instead - travelling to get the SC a few times a week is much less time and driving than travelling to and from work every day.

People need to remember that OP is sounding out options here, not dictating anything to mum. It doesn't sound like they definitely won't keep arrangements as they are if mum isn't willing to change things. It is not unreasonable to simply discuss changing things with her, there might be a solution everyone is happy with.