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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Biological mother wants tv

111 replies

Sarah1205 · 28/02/2023 01:20

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and my other half has 2 other children who he coparents. We have the kids every second weekend and every Thursday evening. The kids mother isn't happy we are expecting for a number of reasons and I feel she has tried to make things difficult (more so) since finding out we are expecting.

This evening she called my other half and said their daughter (birthday is soon and will be 6) wants a smart TV for her room so he has to buy her that. Their daughter was with us this weekend and didn't say she wanted a smart TV for her birthday.

Financially we are scrapping by but if my other half's daughter wants a TV then we will make that happen. However, I don't feel like it should be bought to go into the mothers house - it should be left in her room in our house - or am I wrong to think this? Also, I don't see how a 6 year old would be wanting or excited over a TV for her birthday - she told me she wanted a doll.

I wonder if this is a battle to fight or just let it go - ill find a second hand smart TV and get it cheap enough. It's just constant attacks from my partners ex in attempts to cause trouble and make things difficult for us - she's just a very toxic person unfortunately.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SunshineAndFizz · 28/02/2023 08:58

A tv in a 6 year olds bedroom is ridiculous. She doesn't need this.

Buy her the doll she's asked for.

ClairDeLaLune · 28/02/2023 08:59

I think it’s DD’s mum who wants the TV! 6 is too young for a TV in DD’s room anyway. Your DH needs to tell the mum he’s already sorting her presents thank you.

Cornelious2011 · 28/02/2023 08:59

I don't think a 6 year old needs a tv in their room. My dc12 doesn't have one. Secondly if you can't afford it then don't agree to it.

Laurdo · 28/02/2023 09:04

StClare101 · 28/02/2023 02:54

A simple “no, we’ll choose our own presents” is all that’s required.

This. We do everything separately and anything we buy stays at our house. Saves any agro.

Personally, I don't think a 6yo should have a TV in her room but if her mother thinks it's fine then she can buy her one. Her mother is being extremely cheeky making such demands on your DH.

For the record, it's pretty common for mum's to cause problems at the news of her ex having a new baby. Our issues increased when we bought our first house together and when we got engaged. It seems to have settled back down now that we're married as if she's accepted that I'm a permanent fixture. Hopefully it settles down for you too once the baby is here.

If she continues to cause problems your DH needs to put better boundaries in place. If she keeps phoning with ridiculous demands your DH should block her number and revert to emails.

TattoedLady · 28/02/2023 09:14

Good rule of thumb - DSD's mum does not decide how your household spends its money!

Can't afford, or don't want to buy 6yr old DSD a tv - don't.
Want to buy DSD a doll - do.

For what it's worth, unless it's a joint high value bday present (e.g. an iPad) both my DP and DSC mum buy separately, but they have a chat about it so there are no duplicates (DSC mum doesn't tell DP what to buy). With the exception of plushies, clothes and iPad, kids things don't move between both houses. Having clear boundaries works well for all.

Laurdo · 28/02/2023 09:17

Tiredalwaystired · 28/02/2023 08:56

That’s a bit rubbish for the kid isn’t it? It’s always crap to get duplicate presents no matter who they’re from.

Do you not discuss with other members of your family either? I can see the potential for six identical Lego sets this way.

Show quote history

How is it? My DSD has a baby Annabel at our house and her mum's. How is that rubbish for her? She gets to play with the doll at both parents without dragging toys back and forth.

In an ideal world exs would get on and be able to discuss things but in reality, not all parents are amicable. My DH has minimal contact with his ex for a multitude of reasons.

Also if things were shared between houses we'd be buying everything. The first xmas after

WonderingWanda · 28/02/2023 09:22

Buy the doll. Tell the mother that's what she asked you for and you've already bought it.

MrsMiddleMother · 28/02/2023 09:23

Just tell her no, you won't be buying her a TV as she told you she wants a doll and that's exactly what you've bought

funinthesun19 · 28/02/2023 09:29

You don’t need to make a TV happen for her, whether you are loaded or scraping by. But since you are scraping by, it’s even more reason to be strict with what you spend your money on. And 6 year old sd doesn’t need a TV in her bedroom, so it’s a huge waste of money that could be spent on making your lives as a family more comfortable.
She asked for a doll so get a her a doll. That’s much better and much cheaper. Her mum can get her a TV.

Laurdo · 28/02/2023 09:30

Posted too soon.

The first xmas after they split DH bought all the gifts. Custody is 50/50. DH left the family home so ex used to pack a suitcase for the kids each week as she had all their clothes in the house. It was actually her that told DH that she would no longer be packing a case and he should buy clothes for his house, which he did no problem.

Now the issue is we buy stuff and it goes to the kids mum's and we don't see it again. It happened with DSDs nursery uniform. We'd send her in her uniform, mum would pick her and send her the next day in ordinary clothes. We ended up with no uniform. We took DSS15 to buy new uniform for school. He took it all to his mums and all the shirts are now grey and dirty looking so we had to buy him more.

We always wash and return any clothes of hers or send DSD back home in them but the same doesn't always happen with the clothes we buy. We had to stop sending DSD in white or light coloured clothes because they'd come back grey.

The mum in this case just sounds like she's after a freebie. It's absolutely something my DSCs mum would try had DH not put boundaries in place a long time ago.

aSofaNearYou · 28/02/2023 09:36

Well firstly, no you don't just have to get what she says, you both sound very passive. What you get her is nothing to do with her, and you should get what is affordable for your household. You should also be free to buy presents that stay at your house.

Also, can't help but notice this:

but if my other half's daughter wants a TV then we will make that happen.

Really? Would you not put any thought into whether a Tv in the bedroom is even appropriate for a 6 year old? Personally I think it's a terrible idea, and wouldn't get one just because she's asked for one. She's too young. It sort of sounds like you'd just agree to buy her whatever she wants, and that doesn't bode well for a young child. My DSS (8) has a TV in his bedroom and unsurprisingly doesn't go to sleep when he should and never does his homework.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 28/02/2023 09:37

I also wonder about a TV in a 6 year old’s bedroom. Surely not a good thing!

Maybe the mother needs a new TV for the living room but can’t afford it?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/02/2023 09:42

soleilblue · 28/02/2023 08:50

No he doesn't need to put it on mum either.

Just "its ok she's given me a list of things"

Show quote history

Mum put it on him. He is just giving it back.

bellac11 · 28/02/2023 09:42

God the language police on here

OP 6 is far too young to have a tv anyway. Get a age appropriate present that she can play with.

Beamur · 28/02/2023 09:50

Fine to ask to split the cost of an expensive gift, not fine to tell you what to buy.
Just say no, you've got this in hand and get the child an age appropriate gift she likes and you can afford.

Naunet · 28/02/2023 10:26

but if my other half's daughter wants a TV then we will make that happen

Why? Do you believe kids should get whatever they demand?! She’s 6 FFS, she doesn’t need a smart TV in her bedroom. Anyway, you shouldn’t be sorting this, the child’s mother and father should.

On another note though OP, you’re pregnant and not married, so I hope you’re spending just as much time making sure you’re in a strong position and not making yourself vulnerable?

SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2023 10:40

RandomMess · 28/02/2023 02:03

No 6 year old needs a TV.

Her Dad can just grey rock that her doesn't want to buy her that as he thinks she is too young but if her Mum wants to then that is her choice.

This.

And you don't go into debt to buy presents other people think you should buy.

Figgygal · 28/02/2023 10:45

My 11yo scraped his bday and xmas money together for a tv in his room it's a bloody ball ache
Not age appropriate for a 6yo hold out op

ThisMustBeMyDream · 28/02/2023 11:25

What is all this about presents going to the resident parents house? We buy dsd the same amount as my children, and she has as many toys here as my children do (a lot!!). Why would we send them to her mothers? She would have nothing to play with here otherwise. We buy the toys so this feels like her home too with all her things here. Isn't that better than her having nothing here?
She has of course taken something to her mothers on occasion, but brought it back home. Not necessarily when a gift was given, but just any random time she wants to.
As a Mum I'd not be happy at my child being sent home with a load of toys that I hadn't chosen as we have to be careful on size of toys due to space! I'm sure her mother feels the same with regards to space!

kirinm · 28/02/2023 11:29

I wouldn't buy a tv for a 6 year old regardless of how much they might or might not want one

I am always shocked at how little time (mostly) Dads spend with their kids.

aSofaNearYou · 28/02/2023 11:33

ThisMustBeMyDream · 28/02/2023 11:25

My DSS always wants to take gifts home and as a result, doesn't have much here as we aren't as well off as his mum and can't afford to give him more. She buys him a LOT of toys so I do always think it's the wrong decision and he should leave them here so he has something to do, but hey ho. Similarly DPs parents always take his presents to his mum's, meaning they stay there instead of us having the benefit of DPs families gifts staying here. We ask them not to but they do it anyway.

It doesn't sound like the mum in this case would be bothered by it though, given her attitude!

TwinsAndTiramisu · 28/02/2023 11:37

Pacificisolated · 28/02/2023 01:42

As yes, it is the child’s mother who is toxic. Not you, a step parent who wants to keep her birthday present at a house she only spends 2 out of every 14 nights at.

Then Mum should buy her own child a TV.

She wants a telly for her daughter's room in her house (who knows where it is actually going, as many PP have pointed out, most 6yos do not have a private TV in their bedroom), but wants Dad to pay for it, under the guise of a birthday present.

And OP, of course you're "toxic" for noting this. You'll see this on the step parenting boards, from some (thankfully ever fewer) posters. Unless you're donating both kidneys and letting the mother spend your life savings, you are essentially Cruella De Vil

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 11:39

She's 6. She doesn't want a TV. She's told you she doesn't want a TV. Ignore the ex.

BananaCocktails · 28/02/2023 11:56

If you buy the tv it would be for the child’s room in her house not yours

but nobody should dictate what you should buy for a birthday present
a PRESENT is a gift , and her dad should buy her what HE wants and yes mum can suggest things but a tv is unreasonable considering the cost if you can’t afford it
just tell her with baby on the way it’s not an expense you can afford , you need prams ect
for her birthday maybe take her to the toy store ( smyths ect) and let her choose
I don’t see a 6 year old becoming excited over a tv for birthday
at that age all they want is slime and dolls ect
they could both go halves maybe and buy it when she’s older
possibly mum wants a tv in her room so her mum can watch telly without having to put kids programmes on all day but I don’t think it’s healthy for 6 year olds to have tellys in their room anyway

Thoughtful2355 · 28/02/2023 12:08

Yepp it's going to the mum not the kid. No kid asks for a smart TV 🤣 you can simply say sorry but she has asked us for something specific so we will be getting her that and don't feel she needs a smart TV x

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