Page 6 | If you/your partner see your kids EOW do they have a key?

monomatapea · 2023-02-24T19:50:42+00:00

DH's DSC come every other weekend and in holidays. Eldest would like a key. I'm ok with having a set of keys that they can take out with them but it stays here when they are at their mum's. DH wants to give them their own key to keep. I'm uncomfortable with this incase they start letting their mum in while we are out. AIBU?

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lookluv · 26/02/2023 10:08

Imustlearn - exactly. my Ex comes into the house when dropping the DCs off has a cup of tea etc. Now I have a DP - this still goes on but texts DP to let him know he is dropping them off. He now has a new DP (lovely lady) and I sit and have coffe aswell

My Ex invited me into his house once, his then DP was away. I was dropping the DCS off. They wanted to show me the whole house!!

What struck me was - my DCs were not lying about what they told me. There were no pictures of my DCs in the house, but loads of his new partners, my DCs, sat on certain chairs which had poor view of the TV - they were not allowed on the sofa it was for SM and her DCs - ( as they told me, I looked at EX and he looked ashamed as he should be) - they showed me their room and my worst fears were realised - they had not exaggerated - their room was tiny and yes it was the washroom - washing machine and tumble dryer in situ and the room covered in clothes( not theirs)

lookluv · 26/02/2023 10:19

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aSofaNearYou · 26/02/2023 10:31

ImustLearn2Cook · 26/02/2023 09:14

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s okay for the mum to let herself in when they aren’t home.

Sure, the Op has said she doesn’t want the mum to let herself into the house when they’re not home. No one has said that’s unreasonable.

The Op hasn’t really said anything that would convince people that this mum would actually do that.

I think most posters doubt that the mum would use the key to snoop around their house uninvited and if it was an issue it would be easily resolved with an alarm system or a ring doorbell and pressing charges if she trespassed.

It’s the comment that Op made about the mum asking if she could use the loo or trying to come in to put the bags inside when she’s dropping off the kids.
She came across as taking issue with that as if that was inappropriate of the mum. It really isn’t though.

It seems like a pretty extreme response to be upset at that and deny entry into the home for those above purposes. It seems an unnecessarily hostile response simply because she’s the ‘ex wife.’ And there really hasn’t been given any other reason that would help pp understand why she feels the way she does.

Well firstly, lots of people have said she is unreasonable to not be fine with her coming in when she isn't there.

Secondly, OP actually said the ex would likely drop bags off etc when she wasn't there, not just when dropping the kids off when they're there. I don't know why you would feel she hasn't convincingly demonstrated that she would do these things, she's said that's the kind of person she is. What else do we ever have to go on besides the OPs description of a person's character? One thing that people have skipped over in terms of evidence is OP saying she has been interested in the past about OPs income as she felt it should be going to her. This is a huge tick in favour of "nosy, would have a vested interest in snooping around OPs stuff".

It's also part of a wider picture OP has eluded to that they do not have a particularly friendly relationship with her, and there have been arguments in the past. It's not extreme to not let someone in to use your loo in those circumstances. If you fall out with people, you surely just don't ask or expect to be allowed to do that. It shouldn't have to be a rule, it should just be obvious that this isn't the kind of relationship they have.

ImustLearn2Cook · 26/02/2023 10:34

@lookluv That’s awful that your children experienced that. It’s good that you got to see that and support your children and their dad recognised it and did something about it. And now they have a sm who is lovely.

You’ve made a great point about: This is about trusting the child - the child has been condemned as unreliable with no evidence.

scrumpf · 26/02/2023 10:35

@ImustLearn2Cook just to say. Abuse is more than violence. Someone can be incredibly abusive but never lay a hand on you.

hourbyhour101 · 26/02/2023 10:45

I think people are hinting that op is abusing her DSC is a really unfair and untrue statement or making projections based on their lived experience and applying it here.

Of course a child perspective is needed. But I find it interesting that so many people seem to disregard what op has put and class it as "nothing" to suggest that boundaries are being crossed.

Mums been asking about OPs income and making it part of maintenance. That's a massive red flag over normal boundaries. Parents have a duty to pay for their children.

I very much doubt a abusive person would be posting on mumsnet re advice like this. And op has done nothing to suggest she is abusive in anyway. She's just doesn't want mum in her house and neither does dad.

I'm a mum and I would be horrified at saying well isn't my Dd sm income included in maintenance rates ?

roarfeckingroarr · 26/02/2023 10:48

I truly can't understand why you would be so against the mother of your step kids having a wee in your house. It seems pretty extreme.

Original poster

monomatapea · 26/02/2023 10:51

aSofaNearYou · 26/02/2023 08:50

I wouldn't particularly like my own mother going in my house when I'm not there, because I know she can be nosy/curious and I don't really want to feel like I have to put everything private or embarrassing away.

I think it is idealistic to expect people to be so comfortable with their partner's ex they are perfectly fine for them to let themselves in even when they aren't there. That's the part I think people are really missing here. It's not just about someone being welcome in your home, it's about them being welcome when you aren't there. That's a different thing, and I find it hard to believe people are as comfortable as they say they are with the idea of people letting themselves in.

Yes you've got it I think

OP posts:

Original poster

monomatapea · 26/02/2023 10:54

ImustLearn2Cook · 26/02/2023 09:14

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s okay for the mum to let herself in when they aren’t home.

Sure, the Op has said she doesn’t want the mum to let herself into the house when they’re not home. No one has said that’s unreasonable.

The Op hasn’t really said anything that would convince people that this mum would actually do that.

I think most posters doubt that the mum would use the key to snoop around their house uninvited and if it was an issue it would be easily resolved with an alarm system or a ring doorbell and pressing charges if she trespassed.

It’s the comment that Op made about the mum asking if she could use the loo or trying to come in to put the bags inside when she’s dropping off the kids.
She came across as taking issue with that as if that was inappropriate of the mum. It really isn’t though.

It seems like a pretty extreme response to be upset at that and deny entry into the home for those above purposes. It seems an unnecessarily hostile response simply because she’s the ‘ex wife.’ And there really hasn’t been given any other reason that would help pp understand why she feels the way she does.

Neither me or DH want her in this home. This house is a sanctuary for us. We should be able to have who we want in it and keep out people we don't. Clearly things weren't great between DH & his ex so they divorced. I don't think it's fair on mum to go into the details here but she caused a great deal of hurt with her actions and she was the one who broke their vows.

OP posts:

Original poster

monomatapea · 26/02/2023 10:57

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I'm sorry?! Maybe I have something to hide?!

Because we don't want the ex wife in our home?

Madness

OP posts:

hourbyhour101 · 26/02/2023 11:00

@monomatapea I think it's fair to say this poster has a lot of issues with her ex and blended families in general. From previous posts I believe this has coloured her responses so pls don't take the comments to heart.

ImustLearn2Cook · 26/02/2023 11:00

@aSofaNearYou Of course Op’s income shouldn’t be calculated into the maintenance and it’s not hard to say no to that.

I’ve followed the thread from the beginning and really don’t recall anyone posting that it would be ok for the mum to have access to their home while they’re not there. Happy to be corrected if I am wrong if you could quote or copy and paste.

It is these comments from the Op that pp have given their perspective on:

monomatapea · 24/02/2023 21:43

Not really a massive drip feed. Just don't really want her in our home. I'd be fine with postie using the loo if they wanted, not my husbands ex wife.

monomatapea · Yesterday 07:48
If Mom dropped them off and DSC said oh Mom is desperate for the loo can she use ours, would you really say no? yes we would say no.

(This is very clear that they are home and it’s when the mum drops off the kids).

monomatapea · Yesterday 07:50

No she has never been welcome to come in to DH's house before he met me either. He doesn't go into hers. She does however try with a oh ill just bring these up to your room. And has to be stopped by DH.

(Many people who have pp would be absolutely fine with the dsc’s mum or dad doing this. So wouldn’t accuse that parent of pushing boundaries or trying to be intrusive).

Original poster

monomatapea · 26/02/2023 11:01

@hourbyhour101 I'm finding it incredibly hurtful and think I'm going to leave the thread now. I thank everyone for their understanding and again, it's been good to hear both sides of the argument. But I am shocked that us not wanting my DH's ex in the house has now led to such wild extrapolations. People seem absolutely determined to think the worst of people.

Mum won't wet herself there are many publicly accessible loos within a close radius of our house.

OP posts:

ImustLearn2Cook · 26/02/2023 11:05

scrumpf · 26/02/2023 10:35

@ImustLearn2Cook just to say. Abuse is more than violence. Someone can be incredibly abusive but never lay a hand on you.

Yes I am very well aware of that. Is this in response to my mentioning domestic violence in a previous post? Are you aware that domestic violence includes all forms of abuse including but not limited to coercive control, financial abuse, verbal abuse etc.?

hourbyhour101 · 26/02/2023 11:06

@ImustLearn2Cook

The thing is op is saying me and my partner don't want mum in the house because mums actions and past behaviours.

Trust and the ability to come into someone's house is based on previous previous experience with that person.

Actions have consequences. And just because mum wants to come in, doesn't mean she has the right to come in. Regardless of which way you split it and that's not abusive.

liveforsummer · 26/02/2023 11:06

Dc have a key to their dads, I do sometimes drop them off early rather than hang about outside if he's not home so it's handy for that. I doubt he'd bother if I went in but he'd know as he has a ring door bell

hourbyhour101 · 26/02/2023 11:07

@monomatapea report the thread to mumsnet and they can take it down.

Certain posters are hell bent on suggesting your acting abusively and that's on them.

Not on you. The comments are pretty horrific given the questions asked tbh

chezpopbang · 26/02/2023 11:14

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HindsightIsWonderful · 26/02/2023 11:18

I would have the same concern. Also, they are so irresponsible the key would be lost time and time again. Even as adults they are not responsible enough.

ImustLearn2Cook · 26/02/2023 11:33

@monomatapea If you and your dh need to have those boundaries that’s ok.

I still think it is sad for the kids involved and ultimately unhealthy for them to be exposed to this kind of hostility regardless of who is at fault.

In general, I still think it’s better for the children if the adults can resolve their issues. It takes all adults involved and sometimes one or all of the adults are just not willing to do this.

If your dh tried to create an amicable parenting relationship but the mum refused, then it’s fair enough to have boundaries.

If he didn’t make an effort to be amicable and holds onto old resentments and treats her like the evil ex, then that is not ok.

If he has nothing at all to do with the children outside of the every other weekend he has them then that is unfortunate for the children. Things like being able to ring their dad and talk to him when they’re at their mums or school performances etc.

Only you know if any of what I wrote above is the case or applies to you. If it doesn’t apply to you then don’t take it on board. Easy.

Most people who have split up have issues of hurt from the other person. It doesn’t mean that you have to hold on to that after ending the relationship. If you didn’t have children together you could move on by never seeing them again. But with kids involved it is different.

And as I mentioned earlier domestic violence is an exception to that. (Not saying anyone in your situation is involved in domestic violence just want to note it for anyone reading this thread who might be going through that).