If you/your partner see your kids EOW do they have a key?

[monomatapea]

DH's DSC come every other weekend and in holidays. Eldest would like a key. I'm ok with having a set of keys that they can take out with them but it stays here when they are at their mum's. DH wants to give them their own key to keep. I'm uncomfortable with this incase they start letting their mum in while we are out. AIBU?

How old are they?

Personally I think if they're of an age then they should be trusted. Perhaps a convo from Dad about not letting anyone see in etc.

I'm not sure why their Mom would be taking their house keys out with her on the off chance she needs a wee near your house? If Mom dropped them off and DSC said oh Mom is desperate for the loo can she use ours, would you really say no?

I mean you know the back story so it's not that you're wrong but I think, what if they kids swapped their custody agreement round and lived mainly with you, would you honestly expect them to never be in the house alone incase their Mom wants to visit?

Of course they should have a key. Is it not their home?

This.

It isn't the SDC fault that they have a DM with skewed boundaries.

Have a chat with them that she is not to enter the house and let your DSC feel that this is a home for them too.

They need driving too and from the houses. They do one journey each-- mum wants the drop off.

They do forget things that they have needed in-between visits and unfortunately the answer is either tough or we've couriered them.

But mum works near us and has made comments like oh I could come and pick it up but then not bothered.

If Mom dropped them off and DSC said oh Mom is desperate for the loo can she use ours, would you really say no? yes we would say no.

My kids stepmum took the key I had given them and copied it and help herself in and out of my house.

I felt and continue to feel incredibly violated.

(DD thought she had lost her key and it then turned up again after about a week. I suspect that was when it was copied. Step mum was letting herself in when she thought no one was home. My neighbour saw her and questioned who she was)

No she has never been welcome to come in to DH's house before he met me either. He doesn't go into hers. She does however try with a oh ill just bring these up to your room. And has to be stopped by DH.

And I wouldn't let her go to the loo in my house either. She had no need to be in my house

When she and my ex moved in together my kids were teens and they refused to even give me their address.

And yet she felt she could go in and out of my house whenever she pleased.

He doesn't want her in our home either....

@scrumpf I'm sorry you went through that. I can't imagine she'd go as far as copying the key but I think you get where I'm coming from.

Unfortunately it's not a lovely happy coparenting relationship and she pushes boundaries frequently. DH I feel is being a bit naive to think the DSC won't let her in if she asked and I think its unfair of them to put them in a position where she can ask them too.

It's really the drop off - she has got upset that she can't drop the kids off earlier when she wants to go away for the weekend and stuff, which I get. But I don't think the solution is letting the DSC have a key so they can let themselves & potentially her in.

I know our house isn't going to be a major attraction for her but neither of us want her to be able to come in and have a snoop and make a drink and have a wee etc while we aren't there. I've offered to meet with her for a chat if she wanted early in the relationship and she laughed off that idea. So I haven't even spoken to her before! It's been years of my life being affected by her and I accept that, the kids come first. But I feel its important to have our space as our space. We aren't blended with her.

@aSofaNearYou I think you also get the dynamics at play here.

Part of me thinks we should give them a chance. The other thinks once they have the key it's harder to take it off them and they will find it too hard to say no to mum.

Give them a chance but get a ring doorbell and you'll know if they do let her in. If they do they lose the key

How old is the child?

As an aside:

I know she doent give a "shiny shite" about me. That's very clear.

She is interested in how we can afford what we do though.. seems quite interested in my salary when it comes to asking for stuff for the children. Can I not pay for xyz. Why isn't my salary included in the maintenance calculation. Etc.

Ah yes sorry. So eldest is 13

@monomatapea oh I get it my kids are adult now but I felt so violated.

She had no need to be poking around my house when I wasn't there. Did I have dirty knickers in the laundry basket did I leave my bank statement out. She constantly over steps boundaries and was raging that she had never been in my house and that I wouldn't let ex in either

And she had a total double standard. I wasn't allowed to know their address (they told the kids not to tell me but they did anyway) but they had the ability to be in and out of my house whenever they liked for about 6-9 months (until my neighbour told me they'd seen her and I had to get the locks changed)

Are the ring doorbells easy to set up?

I think op your having a hard time here because a lot of people seem to be commenting from mums perspective and aren't in a blended family.

I'm a mum and I totally wouldn't want to go into my ex's house, but then I'm not the type to push boundaries and think because my ex had a child with me that it gives me license to wander around he house 😵‍💫 are people really thinking this is ok with teens ? 😵‍💫 maybe small children it's slightly understandable.

But you aren't dealing with this type of mum. So that changes things.

A key safe with the key removed when they aren't there would be my vote and a ring door bell. If they let mum in just once, or mum comes by on her own to "drop" something over, then it's removed and you show them why. So they understand why.

Teens are going to push boundaries- if they have a house party then they lose the key and that's done.

Your totally within your right to say no you don't want mum in your home, and I'm glad your ex is in agreement. Just because your married to someone who has a child/teen, doesn't mean you have to allow people into your space you don't want to (aka mum, parties ect)

We had a problem with DSC doing this I came back to find mum reading out post having a cup of tea in our kitchen. Scared the lights out of me. DSC said she felt she couldn't say no to mum. Mum is lovely but lacks normal boundaries- I did say ok next time I will come have a cup of tea at your when she was at work and she looked horrified... saying it was different.
Which of course it wasn't.

Tbh I was more worried about house parties with a teen I remember (just about when I was that age) so prompted a change in things.

So I think you need to weigh up two priorities - how the child feels and how you feel.

At 13 it's totally normal to have a key for your home, and she'd probably feel pretty crappy having to hand it back in every time (not feeling trusted/it's her home etc.). But I get you don't want her mum to poke around.

Guess you need to decide what's a higher priority.

@monomatapea he is interested in how we can afford what we do though.. seems quite interested in my salary when it comes to asking for stuff for the children. Can I not pay for xyz. Why isn't my salary included in the maintenance calculation. Etc.

Ohhh I had this. Lack of boundaries always come out in other forms one way or another.

Very, if you get the ones where you have to charge the battery it's just a case of attaching to the wall, attaching to the Sufi and charging the battery every couple of months. You and DH can access the live feed and recordings via the app

Oh I had this too. What was my salary how could I afford a holiday

It's just hard to explain to people who've never had to deal with the give them an inch and they take a mile mentality that some people have.

@scrumpf I've never needed to know their address but yes that seems like a power play to me

That should be wifi, no idea where scufi came from