If you/your partner see your kids EOW do they have a key?

[monomatapea]

DH's DSC come every other weekend and in holidays. Eldest would like a key. I'm ok with having a set of keys that they can take out with them but it stays here when they are at their mum's. DH wants to give them their own key to keep. I'm uncomfortable with this incase they start letting their mum in while we are out. AIBU?

I have great experience of people like you - EX first DP lived 2 hours away on a good day try 3.5 hrs n a friday in rush hour traffic. Always my job to drop them off, not be late because tea was on the table at 1830 and if the traffic was bad they did not get food! I was never, even after a good 3 hr drive allowed to have a pee before hitting the rush hour traffic again and driving home.

And as for this. I am nothing like that. Mum chooses to drop them off. Dad takes them home. Her request. No one cares if they are late. There's always food. And frankly I wouldn't want someone with a sense of entitlement to my money who assumes I don't like my stepchildren anywhere near my house!

Key safe has been ordered horray!

I know you have posted about your experience previously and it's coloured your viewpoint But your putting to much emotion behind this.

I hope dearly my dds sm rarely thinks of me at all . If someone said hey I don't want you in my house because it's my house and I don't wanna for any reason I would be totally ok with that. It's up to the owners of that house to decide and come to a agreement. That in this case means sm and dad. It's not sm hating on mum or being jealous as dad doesn't want her in there either.

Having a boundary and saying no thank you to having mum in the house. Doesn't mean you hate mum, or dislike your stepchildren?!?? 😵‍💫 that's a odd odd leap.

It just means that the mum isn't welcome in the house - that's not a reflection on the kids as the kids aren't on a lead always attached to mum.

There are plenty of petrol stations with toilets around. I wouldn't want to go into my ex's home tbh so used them frequently when I was travelling long journeys and heavily pregnant.

So let DSC have a key. 2 locks on the door. Use the second lock when DSC are with Mum, so no unexpected access. Ring doorbell so DSC could get in using key safe but Mum will know she can’t.

@hourbyhour101 Yes. I was quite hurt by that comment if I'm honest.

Hourbyhour - yes the owners of a house can decide who enters the house but this is about locking out the children of one of the owners.

Op has posted before.

Give the child a chance before condemning them.

Yes I do have a view formed by what happened to me - when you are the one doing the driving and accommodating every whim of the new family - it is hard work. I did the drive when ill, rain, snow and yes I did find a petrol station but much of the drive was rural so not so simple!

OP - so mum and dad share the travelling which on this forum most second families screm out for but in your case you don't want it!

My DSS had keys to our home when they were teenagers. One had it taken away after having a party whilst we were on hols though, he wasn’t supposed to be there at all! I have no idea if their mum ever came in or not. Ignorance is bliss!

Eh? I don't give a toss who does the driving.

I mean, I have my own DC every other weekend. Should I not give them a key? In case they bring someone in I don't like?

She isn't accommodating our whim.

Our situation is not your situation.

If she's ill then DH does the driving and visa versa. If it snows they work out if its possible to get through or not. There are many publicly available toilets near us. It is simple. We do not live rurally.

It depends really if there's a person who might ask them to come in who you really don't want in and you don't want the DC to face that pressure.

Of course there is. I wouldn't want my ex-husband or his partner to come in, but they're young adults not babies.

Right but she's not talking of locking out the children...

She's asking for a way to give them a key without mum entering the house.

Given that dad too doesnt want mum to have access to the house, I suspect there's been other boundary crossing by mum frankly.

Of course the kids can come to their home. It's just mum that's not welcome.
That is quite normal.

I don't doubt your experience has coloured what your saying but your apply your situation to op and that's unfair and a lot of what you have said doesn't make a lot of logical sense

As I stated I have a Dd who has a sm and I really don't think I would ever expect to come into their home for any reason.

How is a key safe going to stop her coming into your house? Just as well get them a key.

I'd just give them a key and get the ring.

This.

I would be furious if my kids were not allowed a key to my/their home. I would reconsider my relationship.

Key lives there when the kids are here so they can grab it if they go out with mates.

I would be furious if my kids were not allowed a key to my/their home. I would reconsider my relationship

DH seems cool with it now I've suggested the key safe

I think it's harsh tbh- your husbands children's not having a key to their own home. Not sure what the answer is about not letting their mum in or her popping by to collect things but would she actually do any harm?
Maybe get an alarm which you can control on your phone so that she knows she can't pop in unexpectedly to collect anything.
I can't believe the kids don't want to invite her in to 'their' home to show her their things or have a cup of tea with her before she goes away for a weekend. Although maybe this is me being too idealistic x

@stepkidscopingstrategyNo, I don’t think you‘re being too idealistic. Lots of people can put their differences aside to be amicable for the benefit of the children. (Exceptions for issues like domestic violence).

And of course kids would want their parents to see their home, their bedroom, the latest project they’ve been working on. And of course they would want to see their parents being nice to each other, interacting in a respectful and positive way with each other.

Having two separate homes when growing up isn’t always easy. Knowing that one or both of your parents isn’t welcome in one or the other’s homes makes it so much harder.

And many of us who are the mums or dads that are pro creating an amicable co parenting relationship are also step parents too. It doesn’t mean we don’t have boundaries, it doesn’t mean that we even like the other parent, but it does mean we respect the roles and relationships we each have and put our differences aside.

I wouldn't particularly like my own mother going in my house when I'm not there, because I know she can be nosy/curious and I don't really want to feel like I have to put everything private or embarrassing away.

I think it is idealistic to expect people to be so comfortable with their partner's ex they are perfectly fine for them to let themselves in even when they aren't there. That's the part I think people are really missing here. It's not just about someone being welcome in your home, it's about them being welcome when you aren't there. That's a different thing, and I find it hard to believe people are as comfortable as they say they are with the idea of people letting themselves in.

Just from reading this board (not conducted any of my own surveys or anything) it seems like the whole "but it's their home" thing comes from parents. The kids involved often seem to feel that they have one home, the place they live most of the time, and go to Dad's house or Mum's house to visit. Hopefully the feel "at home" there, but it's not necessarily "Home" in the same way as their main residence.
So, do the children in question here feel that their Mum should be allowed access to "my other home" or do they feel she should be allowed access to "Dad's house"? Or do they feel like there is a boundary there that should not be crossed?

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s okay for the mum to let herself in when they aren’t home.

Sure, the Op has said she doesn’t want the mum to let herself into the house when they’re not home. No one has said that’s unreasonable.

The Op hasn’t really said anything that would convince people that this mum would actually do that.

I think most posters doubt that the mum would use the key to snoop around their house uninvited and if it was an issue it would be easily resolved with an alarm system or a ring doorbell and pressing charges if she trespassed.

It’s the comment that Op made about the mum asking if she could use the loo or trying to come in to put the bags inside when she’s dropping off the kids.
She came across as taking issue with that as if that was inappropriate of the mum. It really isn’t though.

It seems like a pretty extreme response to be upset at that and deny entry into the home for those above purposes. It seems an unnecessarily hostile response simply because she’s the ‘ex wife.’ And there really hasn’t been given any other reason that would help pp understand why she feels the way she does.

@Yousee Children often talk to their parents and communicate how they feel or what they want etc. It’s a contributing factor for how parents get to know their children so well. Most parents don’t operate on assumptions about their kids; that’s reserved for people who are either too lazy to get to know someone or simply don’t care.

I would just have a spare set of keys they can take out with them when they are with you for the weekend. They only come EOW, they don't "live" there - 4 nights out or 30 is nothing and there is no need to provide them with a key. It might be there dads home but it's not there's at 4 nights a month