If you/your partner see your kids EOW do they have a key?

[monomatapea]

DH's DSC come every other weekend and in holidays. Eldest would like a key. I'm ok with having a set of keys that they can take out with them but it stays here when they are at their mum's. DH wants to give them their own key to keep. I'm uncomfortable with this incase they start letting their mum in while we are out. AIBU?

@hourbyhour101Oh thank you so much yes that is the "fear" DSC isn't going to be able to say no to their mum. And I totally get that so I don't want to put them in that position.

Thank you so much for all your posts - its been good to read both sides. I think I'm going to suggest the key safe idea, I'm not sure we need a ring doorbell too but now I know they are quite easy to install I might get one anyway as I know a lot of people find them handy.

If ex wife has no sense of boundaries and is likely to pop in to have a nosy and has been told 'no' before , but would ignore this, given half a chance ..... then I'm a no to the children having permanent keys

Keysafe and keys are removed when children aren't at yours

Camera door bell

Sadly, the children will have to suck this up

I'm sure they'll understand as they get older

Oh and I don't think the children should be put in a position where they have to say 'no' to their mother. That's your job and DHs job.

What an unfortunate situation for the DC. I will forever be grateful that my divorced parents and their spouses acted like adults when my sister and I were kids.

Is the 13 year old asking for a key?

@TinaYouFatLard genuine question. What would you have done if you were me?

Yabu. Don't sweat the small stuff. I couldn't care less if my ex uses my loo whilst I'm not in. Or my partners ex. Or anyone. It doesn't affect my life.

This sounds like a horrible dynamic for the kids.

Why on earth wouldn't either of you let her pop in to drop the bags off or use the loo? I can understand if she defaced wall paper and stole things but you've said the worst thing she's done is wonder how you afford things with your income stream, is that right?

I was with someone with children and every drop off she used to come in, have a chat, sometimes a cup of tea and (shock horror) often used our loo. I didn't feel anything negatively towards her just because she was his ex wife, I don't understand that.

Mine used the key to come in and hoke when I wasn't there.

If it had been when I was there that would've been different.

My ex was abusive. My home was my safe space.

@philautia Yeah it's not a great dynamic is it. There's obviously more to the relationship than us not wanting her to pee in our house though.

Key safe with only keys in when the dsc are expected.

A ring door bell covering it.

Change the code each week and give the code via the ring door bell camera when they press the bell.

Literally perfect.

@scrumpf it's always a case that if they are unreasonable in one area it will come out in another.

The post mum was looking at was my payslips. This after she has grilled DSC.

It's frustrating actually because I would like to do more for my DSC financially but unfortunately mum took advantage of DSCs nature so I have had to limit that.

@hourbyhour101 Yes it's sad because if she hadn't pushed to suggest my money should be included in the calculation I would have been much more likely to actually pay for things for them! Her attitude made me completely shut off from helping support her children financially. I pay for a bigger mortgage so they can have a room here and our food costs are higher. That's it. That's all I'm paying for. Once they are out of her house I might consider helping with their uni or housing costs.

@monomatapea I tried to give dsc a allowance (separate from dads maintenance) and dsc was frog matched to the bank by mum.

I like mum I do but that was a massive no from me.

I'm currently working with financial advisor to try and find a way to ringfence a nest egg for her without a way for that money to be "borrowed".

Sigh it's hard isn't it ?

We've stopped my ex from coming into our new home because of his behaviour. I tried being all nice about it all for DS's sake and exH just walked around my home farting, giggling about it and then peeing on my toilet floor when he missed the loo, which me or my DH ended up having to clean up. Final straw was him getting really rude with me about things when he found a new (now ex) gf. So no, letting the ex in isn't always best all round.

@Milkand2sugarsplease Well he sounds like a teenage boy!

@monomatapea that's putting it lightly!! Second best thing I did was stopping him coming in the house. First was leaving him in the first place.

Yes sounds it. It can't be an easy decision to split up but I'm always impressed by those who find the strength to do so even when a lot of society says "but what about the kids".

Do you want her to drop them off early, when you are out? Because that seems to me like the main bugbear with the key safe idea. For all she says, it seems quite unlikely she’d make a trip from her work to your house other times, but bringing their bags in and using the loo (plus whatever else she would secretly do!) seems most likely to happen in that scenario.

Generally, I would say a 13 year old is well past old enough for a key, but I appreciate it isn’t straightforward.

I would let them have a key, but tell them under absolutely no circumstances do they let their mum have it or they let her in.

It’s called boundaries. And if they are old enough to have a key then they are old enough to understand that their mum doesn’t live there so shouldn’t have access to a house she doesn’t live in.

Could you get a door bell with a camera so will always know whether she is trying to sneak in or not? I would go with that for now. If dsc break that trust/rules then the key stays with you until it is needed.

OP - lets be honest you do not like the children being in your life.
FFS - you have extra food costs because your partners children come to their fathers and incidentally their home.
So yes you do need to pay for food when they are with you and god forbid that means an extra room they can sleep in.

I have great experience of people like you - EX first DP lived 2 hours away on a good day try 3.5 hrs n a friday in rush hour traffic. Always my job to drop them off, not be late because tea was on the table at 1830 and if the traffic was bad they did not get food! I was never, even after a good 3 hr drive allowed to have a pee before hitting the rush hour traffic again and driving home.

People like you need to separate their hatred of the parent from the child - a 13 yr old not allowed into their fathers home unless he or you is present - sends a very clear message t said child

OP - lets be honest you do not like the children being in your life. 🙄

So yes you do need to pay for food when they are with you and no I don't actually. DH was perfectly happy to do the shopping when they were here and I do it the weekends they aren't. We changed that when we got married and now yes I choose to just pay for it out the joint account to which I am and equal contributer.

With that attitude I wouldn't let you in either.

Dss did have a key when he lived with us obv and when he didn't, and his mother did let herself in a couple of times because she's a twat. I don't know what the solution is!