If you/your partner see your kids EOW do they have a key?

[monomatapea]

DH's DSC come every other weekend and in holidays. Eldest would like a key. I'm ok with having a set of keys that they can take out with them but it stays here when they are at their mum's. DH wants to give them their own key to keep. I'm uncomfortable with this incase they start letting their mum in while we are out. AIBU?

So? What is the issue with her coming in to use the loo or to carry the bags in when she’s dropping off the kids?

Are you being a bit territorial and hostile? She’s your partners co parent to your dsc, not your enemy.

Split up parents getting along is beneficial to the kids.

Was their mother previously (before you came along) welcomed into the house at drop off? If so, why would you want to change that dynamic into something hostile and unfriendly?

So? What is the issue with her coming in to use the loo or to carry the bags in when she’s dropping off the kids?

Weird attitude. People should get to have control over who goes in their house when they aren't there. That would be an issue for most people.

Is there a massive drip feed? I know it's not very mumsnetty but I let a delivery woman use my loo today, my step children's mother I wouldn't bat an eyelid, unless of course she has form for theft, smashing up your property, arson etc

This makes no sense. It's just foot stamping without doing anything for the children at all.

Are you saying that you would continue to live full time in a house with your new spouse for years and years/ for ever but go on some kind of permanent rent (mortgage)-strike and never pay a single penny towards it if you couldn't give your children keys?

How would squatting without paying your share improve the situation for your children? They still wouldn't have keys, you'd just be refusing to pay - that would presumably make the atmosphere in the home very strained and eventually mean that you had no claim on a mortgaged house when/ if your partner/ spouse died or you split, and not benefit the children at all!

Very strong "deal breaker" feelings about your children having keys are fine, but not solved at all by stopping paying your share of the mortgage but staying put!

You'd surely move out to give your children a home if there was a deadlock on the issue?

Yeah the key is more so they can go out and possibly so they can get dropped off early. Its the being dropped off early I'm not keen on as I'd much prefer it if they arrived when either DH or I were home to prevent any awkward mum intrusions.

Not really a massive drip feed. Just don't really want her in our home. I'd be fine with postie using the loo if they wanted, not my husbands ex wife.

@MrsMullerBecameABaby Seems very extreme doesn't it. But then I feel very strongly about not putting the kids in the position of being the ones stopping the ex coming into our home.

(I do like your use of the word deadlock in this situation though- very funny).

This is true.

I wouldn't like adults who are not members of my household letting themselves in, at all.

However if children have two homes with separated parents they absolutely need to be able to access both if they're of an age to be leaving homework or school books or football boots or whatever in different places and getting in trouble or difficulty as a result.

So many children who move between divorced parents' houses struggle with the organisation/ logistics when they get to the age where they should be becoming responsible for their own possessions - they have more to keep track of with two homes and of course sometimes leave things in the wrong place.

Having a bigger network of people through your house is part and parcel of a blended family - the children have to be "at home" in both parents' houses, and the adults have to work out how to make it work.

Yes I’d give them a key as it’s their own home. When my nieces lived with me, I gave them keys.

However if children have two homes with separated parents they absolutely need to be able to access both if they're of an age to be leaving homework or school books or football boots or whatever in different places and getting in trouble or difficulty as a result. distance involved makes it unlikely- mum however works nearer and I can just imagine her offering to pop by and pick something up while we are out.

Did you get on with their parents?

If they are old enough to be in the house by themselves, they should have access to a key at all times. It is their home even on non-scheduled days and times.

My stepkids had a key. The issue we had was them coming round when we didn't know about it.

Dss in particular came round after school when he knew we would be at work, brought his friends, i came home early one time and there were 9 of them lying around our living room eating crisps and snacks and cans of coke that we'd bought in in advance of a party.

One time dsd let herself in when we were away for the weekend and had friends round. Then went away and didn't lock the door properly. We came home to a door closed but not locked, a messy kitchen and a cat that had been shut in a bedroom by mistake and shit all over the floor. We still don't know how long the house was unlocked, she never admitteo being there.

We got a key safe after that and only had keys in it when they were meant to be with us. So they could come and go on their time with us but not at other times.

Ffs !!!! Get a grip, you're assuming she gives a shiny shite about about you and your house!

She is not just your husband’s ex wife. She is his co parent. They have a parenting relationship. Whether you like it or not.

If that is hard for you then you should never have entered into a relationship with a man who has children to someone else.

If I had a partner who was petty and jealous of the parent of my child or hostile toward them in any way or interfered with the positive co parenting relationship we built for our child/ren , I would end the relationship for my child’s sake.

Could you not o stall a ring doorbell so that you would see if their mum was going in the house?

It's not that it's extreme - it's perverse because you're not standing up for the children at all!

The problem is your spouse saying that your children from a previous relationship can't have keys.

You want them to have keys.

So you remain living in a house to which your children don't have keys and stop paying your share of the mortgage.

Your children continue not to have keys.

How is that helping your children not to be in the position of keeping their other parent out?

Your position is just nonsensical, not extreme.

If you feel strongly surely you move out and give your children a home they can have keys to.

How old are the children?

Do they forget things at yours which they need between visits?

Does their mum drive them to yours and pick them up or does their dad collect them? (that'd largely solve the problems).

I'd go with the key box and just not have the key in there when the children are back at their mums. Ring doorbell sounds like a good idea too?

Children should have keys, if the ex-partner actually comes in to be nosy you address that with them or does anything else that is an actual issue and not just 'yeah but what if'

What you do with the children should be an independent thing

You chose to have this relationship accept the children fully and stop doing this territorial game playing thing

I'm finding the comments on this thread so bizarre and lacking in understanding of what it's actually like to have EOW contact with children who don't live close enough to just come over by themselves.

If they don't do that, this does not need to be a problem at all. It's really not the big deal it's being made out to be, they don't need to have a key. And if there's an unboundaried ex who would think it appropriate to come around unannounced and come in when you aren't home to say yes or no (and yes this is inappropriate) then that's all the more reason not to give them one when they don't really need one anyway.

If I thought their mum might come poking round my house uninvited then no, they wouldn't have a key.

Some people on here clearly have no experience of people with no boundaries. If my stepkids mum entered our house unaccompanied, she'd be through all the drawers and probably nick something on the way out. Sad but true.

How old are the kids?

All the op has said is that the dsc’s mum would think nothing of coming in to use the loo or to carry the bags in. Hardly being a person disrespecting boundaries or the type to snoop through the drawers and nick stuff.

I would suggest a trial with xlear boundaries and a Ring to make sure they're being respected.

One note about key safes- they're no good for forgetful kids, the key never gets put back! Look into a coded or smart lock instead.