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Step-parenting

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Original poster

In laws

76 replies

Missmatching · 22/02/2023 04:56

Not quite sure this is the right category, but we are a blended family set up so perhaps someone has been in the same boat!

I’ve been with my partner for several years, and we have an 18m old, he has 2 teenage girls from a previous marriage.

my issue is the in-laws - they still have photos of his wedding with the ex up in their house! I’ve only been upstairs in their house once, but it was like a shrine.. photos of the wedding and lots of their old family pics. I felt so upset when I saw them, also embarrassed. My OH won’t say anything, says it’s up to them and I can’t hide the past. I appreciate that but I find it disrespectful.

they are lovely people, pleasant to be around, but I can’t help but get upset when I think about it. I’m not asking for there to be any pics of me, just how about not a load of the ex?

also, they have a so many photos up of the teenage girls, when I was last over they were framing another 2.. they only have one of my son. My OH again says I’m being silly, they adore him, but how can I not feel put out about this?

AIBU? It’s their house, I can’t say anything. I don’t really want my son to go over when he’s older and ask why there are photos of dad with someone else and not me.

they have access to all photos I take of him from an app, so that’s not an excuse. He’s younger I know, but to be adding more of the 2 girls and not him? Am I being overly sensitive?

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 23/02/2023 03:25

Unfortunately there's a lot more than just being a step parent. Thats there granddaughters mum in the photos you can't change that. Don't make problems and dwell on it when clearly there's no need to. Your actually very very lucky you all get on and that the ex is fine tbh. Go get some printed I can guarantee like my grandparents they either wouldn't have a clue where to get them these days or just didn't think. Every so often I give grandparents a couple of new ones of our 4 and us and they always appear on the walls or window sills

funinthesun19 · 23/02/2023 07:23

Once again, I doubt this is something that a stepdad/mum’s partner would have to put up with from his in laws.

KindlyKanga · 23/02/2023 07:25

harriethoyle · 22/02/2023 16:38

@Franxx68 totally agree. First and second wife sounds like the Mormons on Sister Wives and we know how that ended up! 🤪

Yes she's not a first wife, she's an ex wife.

Birdsbirdsbirds · 23/02/2023 07:31

HeddaGarbled · 23/02/2023 01:12

I guess limiting the photos to upstairs was their attempt not to upset any of the wives and children. Poor sods, delicately picking their way through the fuck up their son has made of their grandchildren’s lives, with no recognition of their attempts at diplomacy, just selfishness, selfishness, selfishness. They can’t do right for doing wrong, can they?

And this is their future, forever tip-toeing around the people who gate-keep their grandchildren and are ready to limit access if they don’t kowtow to some unspoken, unreasonable, only-to-be-guessed-at sensitivity.

The fuck up their son has made? Sorry, do you know the divorce was completely down to him or are you assuming?

Justcallmebebes · 23/02/2023 07:34

Papayaya · 22/02/2023 10:51

If their son’s ex wife then probably yes. It’s clearly pretty awkward for OP and her partner.

Show quote history

Doesn't sound like it's awkward for her DH at all. Plus, OP said most of the photos are upstairs. You can't erase someone's past, especially when there are kids involved. You also can't dictate what photos someone has in their home

hestonis · 23/02/2023 07:53

You can't erase someone's past but you can make it easier going forward
The photos could go in an album easily, they don't have to be on display, I feel you only really put photos on display for other people, the one photo I frequently look at is the one on my bedside table of my grandad

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2023 08:58

HeddaGarbled · 23/02/2023 01:12

I guess limiting the photos to upstairs was their attempt not to upset any of the wives and children. Poor sods, delicately picking their way through the fuck up their son has made of their grandchildren’s lives, with no recognition of their attempts at diplomacy, just selfishness, selfishness, selfishness. They can’t do right for doing wrong, can they?

And this is their future, forever tip-toeing around the people who gate-keep their grandchildren and are ready to limit access if they don’t kowtow to some unspoken, unreasonable, only-to-be-guessed-at sensitivity.

It's really not unfathomably difficult to guess that a divorcee and his new wife might not enjoy seeing photos of his previous wedding. You make it sound like this is really left field, when really it's common sense.

Ragwort · 23/02/2023 09:08

I'm not sure people can say that their DC will never, ever meet the ex ... what if there are older half siblings and they get married? Surely on occasions like that you do meet the ex? A friend of mine from a very awkwardly blended family attended a wedding where there were two exes plus numerous half siblings ... can't have been easy don't know what the seating plan was.

monomatapea · 23/02/2023 09:17

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2023 08:58

It's really not unfathomably difficult to guess that a divorcee and his new wife might not enjoy seeing photos of his previous wedding. You make it sound like this is really left field, when really it's common sense.

Show quote history

I agree. If there weren't kids involved it would be a no brainer- photo comes down.

With kids involved rushing to take it down immediately is probably a bit much but it does need to come down. The kids deserve to go to their grandparents house and not be confronted with an image of their parents in happier times, they may not be ready for that.

Birdsbirdsbirds · 23/02/2023 09:17

Ragwort · 23/02/2023 09:08

I'm not sure people can say that their DC will never, ever meet the ex ... what if there are older half siblings and they get married? Surely on occasions like that you do meet the ex? A friend of mine from a very awkwardly blended family attended a wedding where there were two exes plus numerous half siblings ... can't have been easy don't know what the seating plan was.

They wouldn't be going. I will never ever put my child in a room with a woman who said she hoped they'd die, never. They have been within a few metres of one another once at a funeral, where she massively showed herself up, but thankfully my DC was weeks old and unaware. Now they are old enough to know who she is and ask questions, nah. Not until they're an adult and can decide for themselves.

Plus dss knows what his mother is like and would likely never impose that on us.

monomatapea · 23/02/2023 09:19

Ragwort · 23/02/2023 09:08

I'm not sure people can say that their DC will never, ever meet the ex ... what if there are older half siblings and they get married? Surely on occasions like that you do meet the ex? A friend of mine from a very awkwardly blended family attended a wedding where there were two exes plus numerous half siblings ... can't have been easy don't know what the seating plan was.

I genuinely wouldn't go and I'd leave it to my child to decide at 16 if they want to go or not. Until then. No chance.

HeddaGarbled · 23/02/2023 09:50

It's really not unfathomably difficult to guess that a divorcee and his new wife might not enjoy seeing photos of his previous wedding

So they put them upstairs.

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2023 09:53

So they put them upstairs.
Where people never go? Yes, that's better than in the hallway. In a photo album would be better.

HeddaGarbled · 23/02/2023 10:04

In a photo album would be better

Not if that upsets the grandchildren.

What I’m trying to say is that the grandparents are picking their way between the multiple sensitivities of a blended family that has been foisted upon them, and are making a good go of trying to keep everyone happy.

And then being threatened with reduced access to their youngest grandchild because they’re not doing it exactly as one member of the blended family wants.

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2023 10:13

HeddaGarbled · 23/02/2023 10:04

In a photo album would be better

Not if that upsets the grandchildren.

What I’m trying to say is that the grandparents are picking their way between the multiple sensitivities of a blended family that has been foisted upon them, and are making a good go of trying to keep everyone happy.

And then being threatened with reduced access to their youngest grandchild because they’re not doing it exactly as one member of the blended family wants.

I agree, you don't want to upset the older children, but there's no suggestion of that here. No indication that they're attached to the photos being there, and it could easily be possible to gradually transition them so it isn't as noticeable. Slowly replacing them with more recent photos of the teenagers with or without their dad, for example.

You're making the "threat" of not seeing the younger grandchildren sound petty. It isn't petty. Nobody says it's petty to keep them up for the older kids sake. I would not want my child being exposed to lots of pictures of DPs previous wedding, because I want us to handle that topic ourselves. It's a sensible parenting decision. They'd still be able to visit us or meet out of the house, but it would put me off going there.

It's not that hard to please everyone, here. Those photos, particularly the wedding ones, do not need to be up permanently. They're not being victimised if they choose not to do it.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 23/02/2023 10:17

I think it's about degrees. My in-laws have a beautiful photo of their daughter's wedding and DP's first wife is in it. They also have a pic of his first wife in the bedroom that my DSC use when they are staying so they've got a lovely pic of their mum. But as you say, if it's a shrine? That's a bit... Odd. But then I'd find a shrine even when a marriage is still together a bit weird too. I guess I'm saying multiphoto shrines are a bit odd generally!

kirinm · 23/02/2023 10:21

I think the wedding pictures are probably inappropriate although if they were close to the daughter in law, then maybe pictures of her wouldn't be totally unexpected.

After I'd split up with my exH and was in a relationship with my now partner, my dad told me he was so sad that I'd split with my ex. That really pissed me off and I told him that given I'd been so unhappy and was happy now, that I didn't want to hear how sad he was.

My dad also has no pictures of me, my siblings or any of his grandchildren up in his house whilst the walls are full of pictures of his partners daughter and grandchildren (they've been together 30 years). I know it's not the same situation as yours but I do get where you're coming from.

Reugny · 23/02/2023 10:25

hestonis · 22/02/2023 23:47

Am I the only one that thinks this is not Normal? Maybe if she died but she's an ex wife, they should be coming down.

No you aren't.

They aren't respecting their own child by keeping the wedding photos up.

With widowed children people are more caring.

gogohmm · 23/02/2023 11:43

It's a bit odd to keep wedding pictures up but I told my mum it's fine to keep the family canvas printed photo up, dp knows it's there. We have a couple of his ex and the kids up at home and one of my ex - they are part of our pasts and we remember them fondly and wish to keep it that way. Exh has our wedding album out of choice and has family pictures including me up my DD's tell me, is exgf left him partly because she couldn't stand the idea that we still have a friendly relationship, went out for drinks recently (including dp)

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 23/02/2023 12:42

It's part of being the second one along I am afraid. My in laws have a photo of my DP with his ex when their child was born up- it's a significant moment in all their lives so I get it.

They might be thinking it's nicer for the teenage girls as well?

worriedGirlMumma · 23/02/2023 14:11

My Nan has a pic of my mum & dad's wedding up, in her living room.
They've been divorced 30 years. Both remarried. And divorced. And with new long term partners. Doesn't seem to bother anyone.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/02/2023 14:37

Keep in mind they’ve had many more years to gather photos of the two older children than they have the youngest.

DS1, as they eldest, features in a lot more pics dotted around our house than DD4 - he’s 14 years older than her so has been present at far more weddings, parties, holidays and the likes.

monomatapea · 23/02/2023 14:39

aSofaNearYou · 23/02/2023 10:13

I agree, you don't want to upset the older children, but there's no suggestion of that here. No indication that they're attached to the photos being there, and it could easily be possible to gradually transition them so it isn't as noticeable. Slowly replacing them with more recent photos of the teenagers with or without their dad, for example.

You're making the "threat" of not seeing the younger grandchildren sound petty. It isn't petty. Nobody says it's petty to keep them up for the older kids sake. I would not want my child being exposed to lots of pictures of DPs previous wedding, because I want us to handle that topic ourselves. It's a sensible parenting decision. They'd still be able to visit us or meet out of the house, but it would put me off going there.

It's not that hard to please everyone, here. Those photos, particularly the wedding ones, do not need to be up permanently. They're not being victimised if they choose not to do it.

Show quote history

Exactly it doesn't have to be a BURN THE PHOTOS situation. Just over a year or so slowly update them and put them in an album

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 23/02/2023 14:39

Also are there other people in the photos?

BIL’s first wedding photo will likely stay on our wall forever as it’s the last occasion his and DH’s grandfather attended. SIL totally gets that.

neilyoungismyhero · 14/05/2023 01:40

My children and I visited xpil only to find the photos of them had been shoved in a drawer and a picture of their dad's new wife and new baby in their place. I mentioned it politely to be told "it was awkward'. Really sad.