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Step-parenting

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Original poster

In laws

76 replies

Missmatching · 22/02/2023 04:56

Not quite sure this is the right category, but we are a blended family set up so perhaps someone has been in the same boat!

I’ve been with my partner for several years, and we have an 18m old, he has 2 teenage girls from a previous marriage.

my issue is the in-laws - they still have photos of his wedding with the ex up in their house! I’ve only been upstairs in their house once, but it was like a shrine.. photos of the wedding and lots of their old family pics. I felt so upset when I saw them, also embarrassed. My OH won’t say anything, says it’s up to them and I can’t hide the past. I appreciate that but I find it disrespectful.

they are lovely people, pleasant to be around, but I can’t help but get upset when I think about it. I’m not asking for there to be any pics of me, just how about not a load of the ex?

also, they have a so many photos up of the teenage girls, when I was last over they were framing another 2.. they only have one of my son. My OH again says I’m being silly, they adore him, but how can I not feel put out about this?

AIBU? It’s their house, I can’t say anything. I don’t really want my son to go over when he’s older and ask why there are photos of dad with someone else and not me.

they have access to all photos I take of him from an app, so that’s not an excuse. He’s younger I know, but to be adding more of the 2 girls and not him? Am I being overly sensitive?

OP posts:
Nooyoiknooyoik · 22/02/2023 10:43

WalkiesAndBiscuits · 22/02/2023 06:28

I think it’s weird to have photos up of a wedding if that marriage has ended so I agree with you that photos of his ex should be removed. Maybe try printing some photos of your son for them as PP have suggested 😊

The grandparents should remove all photos of their granddaughters’ parents from their house?

Papayaya · 22/02/2023 10:48

Yanbu, this would upset me too.

My in laws had a photo of DH’s ex wife on their mantle piece and a dedicated photo album of their wedding beside the bed in the bedroom we slept in when we stayed. His stepmother also kept calling me by his exes name. They were only married for 2 years yet we’d been together years and had two DC together!

Papayaya · 22/02/2023 10:51

Nooyoiknooyoik · 22/02/2023 10:43

The grandparents should remove all photos of their granddaughters’ parents from their house?

Show quote history

If their son’s ex wife then probably yes. It’s clearly pretty awkward for OP and her partner.

aSofaNearYou · 22/02/2023 10:54

Papayaya · 22/02/2023 10:48

Yanbu, this would upset me too.

My in laws had a photo of DH’s ex wife on their mantle piece and a dedicated photo album of their wedding beside the bed in the bedroom we slept in when we stayed. His stepmother also kept calling me by his exes name. They were only married for 2 years yet we’d been together years and had two DC together!

Wow, you'd think as a step mother she'd know better!

Franxx68 · 22/02/2023 11:13

Dnd123456 · 22/02/2023 05:07

I'm sorry for how you feel, really I am but unfortunately you are his second family and the first will never be erased. I think that you have to really toughen up and take this on the chin.
It is absolutely their house and as for your son seeing the pictures, well i assume that his Dad's first wife and children won't be a secret held from him. You are massively projecting your own feelings here.
I also think that the teenagers would be more hurt than your son if Granny took her photos down.

OP is not his second family, she is his family and his ex wife is not family.

And his ex wife is not his first wife, and OP is not the second wife. OP is his wife and the other is the ex wife so he should be treating her with a lot more respect than he is!

roarfeckingroarr · 22/02/2023 11:17

I think you're being silly about the wedding and old family photos. I don't think it's silly to wonder why there aren't photos of your child.

PizzaPastaWine · 22/02/2023 11:18

It sounds like apart from this - something you cannot control - everything is going well.

I'd count my blessings if I were you OP. You say his ex and SDC are lovely...that is worth its weight in gold for family harmony.

Original poster
Missmatching · 22/02/2023 11:19

Thanks everyone!

I feel a bit better now a few can see my point of view 😂

My son has met his ex, we spend every Christmas together and it’s definitely not an issue with her, it’s just feeling like I won’t ever compare to the old family unit.

I probably overthink photos in our house, if I put one up of my son I ensure we have the girls too. It makes me sad that others don’t do the same, but it’s probably not worth the grief.

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 22/02/2023 11:32

That's up to the parents. A lot is said about a SCs right to feel upset that at the thought of their parents being with someone else, you can't just then ignore the fact that a subsequent child might feel the same way
The two are no way comparable. The child of the new relationship will never have to live with the ex or indeed have anything to do with them. The mum of their half siblings is in the past unlike the step mum who is the present and most likely future for them. The implication are totally different.

Also it would be odd for a child not to question where their siblings are when not home and soon understand that their dad was once with their mum. What difference does it make to then see a picture.

I remember my 4 years younger half sister asking me about my mum lot. She then begged her mum to let her come with me once. She agreed reluctantly bu my half sister was over the moon.

Same with my kids. Their little sister was desperate to get to know their life with me and she has always been welcome at our house. She has stayed overnight a couple of times. She told me herself she was happy to meet me.

This might be extreme for quite a few, especially here, but a picture? Come on!

vivainsomnia · 22/02/2023 11:35

it’s just feeling like I won’t ever compare to the old family unit
It's likely only a feeling of yours. Your OH and his parents just see it as their life story and there is no reason to compare. Just the same most parents don't normally I compare their kids critically, however different they are and love them the same.

Thesaucysalad · 22/02/2023 11:35

you’re not overreacting.

Birdsbirdsbirds · 22/02/2023 11:43

Their life story, minus the small matter of their divorce. Is that not part of their life story? Or are we okay to emit that bit? For the sake of the first children, and fuck the second?

KindlyKanga · 22/02/2023 11:44

Nooyoiknooyoik · 22/02/2023 10:43

The grandparents should remove all photos of their granddaughters’ parents from their house?

Show quote history

The actual wedding photos - yeah they should. Why rub it in the children's faces that their parents were once happy and now its all gone to shit

KindlyKanga · 22/02/2023 11:45

Missmatching · 22/02/2023 11:19

Thanks everyone!

I feel a bit better now a few can see my point of view 😂

My son has met his ex, we spend every Christmas together and it’s definitely not an issue with her, it’s just feeling like I won’t ever compare to the old family unit.

I probably overthink photos in our house, if I put one up of my son I ensure we have the girls too. It makes me sad that others don’t do the same, but it’s probably not worth the grief.

Don't bother. I sort photos of my kids DH can sort photos of his.

aSofaNearYou · 22/02/2023 12:26

*The two are no way comparable. The child of the new relationship will never have to live with the ex or indeed have anything to do with them. The mum of their half siblings is in the past unlike the step mum who is the present and most likely future for them. The implication are totally different.

Also it would be odd for a child not to question where their siblings are when not home and soon understand that their dad was once with their mum. What difference does it make to then see a picture.*

In your opinion, they aren't comparable. The situations aren't identical but that does not mean it is not in it's own right a significant thing for a child that needs to be handled delicately.

Yes children will of course question where their half siblings come from. It hasn't happened with my DD yet (4 years) but when it DOES happen, you can bet your arse I want to be on hand to explain it in the manner I think is best, not just let my in laws who haven't considered their feelings at all crudely explain it, or let them draw their own conclusions from seeing wedding pictures all around the house (and none of ours).

Laurdo · 22/02/2023 13:25

Franxx68 · 22/02/2023 11:13

OP is not his second family, she is his family and his ex wife is not family.

And his ex wife is not his first wife, and OP is not the second wife. OP is his wife and the other is the ex wife so he should be treating her with a lot more respect than he is!

Show quote history

This! I don't know why first marriages are deemed so sacred. I would think people who enter into marriage for a 2nd time put more thought into it and go in with far more experience than they did with the first marriage. Not that people don't put thought into the 1st but after a divorce I think people are a bit more cautious.

I know I certainly felt differently about marriage the 2nd time. Looking back I feel like the 1st marriage happened because we'd been together a certain amount of time and it was the next step.

With my 2nd marriage I felt that we both went into it with much more life experience and a better understanding of the commitment we were making.

We attended my cousin's wedding the week after ours and a family friend made a comment about "well you'd done it all before" "it's not like it was you first wedding", and it felt like she was belittling my current marriage and recent wedding as if it didn't really count.

harriethoyle · 22/02/2023 16:38

@Franxx68 totally agree. First and second wife sounds like the Mormons on Sister Wives and we know how that ended up! 🤪

Mari9999 · 22/02/2023 23:06

Sometimes a man or woman who is introduced or marries into a family transitions from being my child's husband or wife to becoming a cherished friend in his or her own right. He or she is liked or loved because of who they are rather than for their status.

A break up or divorce may sever the marital or relationship status, but it does not sever the feelings that the extended family have developed for that person. Aunt Jenny remains my cousins mom, my grandmother's dear friend, my mom's best girlfriend, etc. So keeping the pictures are not showing disrespect for your relationship, but instead acknowledging that the feelings within the family have not changed even though the marital status has changed.

You wedding pictures can be added to the family wall because they represent another character in their son's life ,and they are happy to acknowledge any of the many chapters in their child's life. It is not a wall of judgment but instead is a wall of acknowledgment.

hestonis · 22/02/2023 23:47

Am I the only one that thinks this is not Normal? Maybe if she died but she's an ex wife, they should be coming down.

hestonis · 22/02/2023 23:56

@Franxx68 OP is not his second family, she is his family and his ex wife is not family.

And his ex wife is not his first wife, and OP is not the second wife. OP is his wife and the other is the ex wife so he should be treating her with a lot more respect than he is!

Absolutely

OP it sounds like you're being really lovely about it, I would not willingly go back to a house where the ex is so obviously worshipped, equally I would not spend Christmas with the ex, especially if I had my own child, is this set up going to stop soon?

Mari9999 · 23/02/2023 00:52

@hestonis
How is posting a picture a sign of worshiping someone. Usually it is just acknowledging a person, relationship, or event. His parents upstairs wall are not temple in which religious icons are placed.

Picture usually just represent family events or record family lineage. Often times people post pictures and then pretty much go on with their lives. It is not an altar at which they worship.

I imagine that if the OP were to give them pictures of herself and her son that they too would make it to the wall.

HeddaGarbled · 23/02/2023 01:12

I guess limiting the photos to upstairs was their attempt not to upset any of the wives and children. Poor sods, delicately picking their way through the fuck up their son has made of their grandchildren’s lives, with no recognition of their attempts at diplomacy, just selfishness, selfishness, selfishness. They can’t do right for doing wrong, can they?

And this is their future, forever tip-toeing around the people who gate-keep their grandchildren and are ready to limit access if they don’t kowtow to some unspoken, unreasonable, only-to-be-guessed-at sensitivity.

Lysianthus · 23/02/2023 01:23

Every time I go to my DM, I have to sit in a room with a framed photo of my wedding. Divorced 20 years. Hideous. I know that doesn't help but hopefully you'll get some comfort that other people have to suffer too!

KindlyKanga · 23/02/2023 01:53

HeddaGarbled · 23/02/2023 01:12

I guess limiting the photos to upstairs was their attempt not to upset any of the wives and children. Poor sods, delicately picking their way through the fuck up their son has made of their grandchildren’s lives, with no recognition of their attempts at diplomacy, just selfishness, selfishness, selfishness. They can’t do right for doing wrong, can they?

And this is their future, forever tip-toeing around the people who gate-keep their grandchildren and are ready to limit access if they don’t kowtow to some unspoken, unreasonable, only-to-be-guessed-at sensitivity.

Bit harsh! You've no idea why they got divorced.

TheTeenageYears · 23/02/2023 01:56

Give them Personalised photo gifts for Xmas & birthday. Start with a photo in a frame (to their taste) of the 3 of you, DS or DS with the girls. Put together a photo calendar with various photos of the 3 of you, 5 of you, just DS, DS & girls etc - make it an annual thing.