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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

In laws

76 replies

Missmatching · 22/02/2023 04:56

Not quite sure this is the right category, but we are a blended family set up so perhaps someone has been in the same boat!

I’ve been with my partner for several years, and we have an 18m old, he has 2 teenage girls from a previous marriage.

my issue is the in-laws - they still have photos of his wedding with the ex up in their house! I’ve only been upstairs in their house once, but it was like a shrine.. photos of the wedding and lots of their old family pics. I felt so upset when I saw them, also embarrassed. My OH won’t say anything, says it’s up to them and I can’t hide the past. I appreciate that but I find it disrespectful.

they are lovely people, pleasant to be around, but I can’t help but get upset when I think about it. I’m not asking for there to be any pics of me, just how about not a load of the ex?

also, they have a so many photos up of the teenage girls, when I was last over they were framing another 2.. they only have one of my son. My OH again says I’m being silly, they adore him, but how can I not feel put out about this?

AIBU? It’s their house, I can’t say anything. I don’t really want my son to go over when he’s older and ask why there are photos of dad with someone else and not me.

they have access to all photos I take of him from an app, so that’s not an excuse. He’s younger I know, but to be adding more of the 2 girls and not him? Am I being overly sensitive?

OP posts:

Snugglemonkey · 22/02/2023 04:57

I think this is overly sensitive tbh.

Witsendwilly · 22/02/2023 05:00

Have you given them any printed photos?

Neither my Mum or my in-laws would ever go to the effort of printing a photo, but if we sent them one it would probably appear somewhere.

Dnd123456 · 22/02/2023 05:07

I'm sorry for how you feel, really I am but unfortunately you are his second family and the first will never be erased. I think that you have to really toughen up and take this on the chin.
It is absolutely their house and as for your son seeing the pictures, well i assume that his Dad's first wife and children won't be a secret held from him. You are massively projecting your own feelings here.
I also think that the teenagers would be more hurt than your son if Granny took her photos down.

autienotnaughty · 22/02/2023 06:00

It's their past why should they erase it? Give them a family frame or a nice pic of your lo to add to collection. His ex was a part of their life and is mum to two of his kids there's nothing wrong with that. It takes time for relationships to strengthen, enjoy your relationship with your partner and his family for what it is. Don't compare.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 22/02/2023 06:11

Witsendwilly · 22/02/2023 05:00

Have you given them any printed photos?

Neither my Mum or my in-laws would ever go to the effort of printing a photo, but if we sent them one it would probably appear somewhere.

This. And yes, you are being overly sensitive

Banchory · 22/02/2023 06:11

I have 2 dgc.
My dd often gives me photos of dgs2.
However I'm constantly asking ds for photos of dgs1 and not getting any. So dgs2 who is younger has more photos about.
Give your mil lots of photos preferably in a frame.
My dd has thank you cards made too with photos of dgc on.

As for the ex think of the upset to the teens if photos of their parents were removed.
You're the adult here, you need to put all of the dc first.

WalkiesAndBiscuits · 22/02/2023 06:28

I think it’s weird to have photos up of a wedding if that marriage has ended so I agree with you that photos of his ex should be removed. Maybe try printing some photos of your son for them as PP have suggested 😊

GoodnightJude1 · 22/02/2023 06:40

My in laws still have group pics with my DHs ExW in them. Doesn’t bother me at all. There’s a massive canvas in their front room that was taken when they were all on holiday one year. I wouldn’t expect them to take it down….she was a big part of their lives and mother to their grandchildren. The wedding pics I’d find a bit odd though but it’s their house so up to them!
Get a nice pic of you, DH and DC and frame it for them and I’m sure they’ll put it up!

TrinnySmith · 22/02/2023 06:51

I think there can be a thing where the first grandchild is the wonder child.
Naturally because as a first new baby develops they fill everyone with love and wonder and the second not so much, because it's been done before.
So first ones get priority.

It's not kind of them but perhaps they were very upset at the divorce and are trying to compensate somehow.

My Mil was only reallly interested in the eldest DGC. But we didn't see her often so it didn't really matter.

MelchiorsMistress · 22/02/2023 06:59

Its understandable that you don’t like it, but you’re bring over sensitive to be upset by it. You’re right you can’t say anything and nor should your DH so you need to let it go. The ex is their grandchildrens mother and the pics arent just of her, they are of their sons wedding, which will have been special for them.

Your son is too young to notice anything so just give the in laws a nice framed picture of him or maybe get one of the three of them together.

Original poster

Missmatching · 22/02/2023 07:09

Thanks everyone. It really upsets me but I guess it’s just another step parent/ second partner hurdle to get over. Just to say I have nothing against the ex, it’s all amicable, she’s lovely and the kids are great.

OP posts:

hourbyhour101 · 22/02/2023 08:33

My ex mother in law (still on great terms) had photos of our wedding day all around their house. And we had been split up ages, I still go over there as my Dd is relatively young and obviously I'm not there when my ex and his wife are there.

It got to the point of being a bit silly as I had remarried and so had he, so I did mention it to exML that it might make my ex's wife feel a tad awkward (not that anything had been said to me but I may have overthought) and she took them down although put more pictures of me and Dd so I don't know if that was a win.

Anyway in my case - she just hasn't even thought about it, my exML is lovely but can get a bit forgetful 😅

I have no want to be a lingering spectre in their marriage or my exML house.

I do find it odd tbh.

AnotherCountryMummy · 22/02/2023 08:45

As a stepmother too, I really understand the pain here.

Somebody said this to me and it really cheered me up: Would you rather be his first wife or his last wife?

I know it's not really helpful to this photo situation, but maybe it might make you feel a bit better.

I'd also give them more photos too.

Birdsbirdsbirds · 22/02/2023 08:59

You're not being overly sensitive. They'll potentially have more photos of the older kids just because they've been around longer. It doesn't stop it being shitty that they have barely any of yours.

I'm in the same boat. They've got many a photo of dhs ex up in their house, her with him without the kids. They've only just after ten years got one of us and I don't think there's any of our child.

It does freak me out a bit having to stare at dhs ex face every time I go over, which to be fair, isn't very often as they still refer to her as the daughter they never had. They've never really got over the split and don't like me very much.

It is shitty of them op but they probably don't realise it's bothering you, if they're not arseholes to you it's probably an oversight. I do think it's weird to have wedding pics of a divorced couple up though, full stop.

aSofaNearYou · 22/02/2023 09:06

I don’t really want my son to go over when he’s older and ask why there are photos of dad with someone else and not me.

I would feel the same as you here and it would stop me from going often. People don't think about or acknowledge that the above puts you in an awkward position in terms of how and when you explain things to your child. It forces your hand.

People will always say it's up to the person whose house it is and whilst of course it is, I don't agree that makes them immune to social consequences. Having photos up of someone's wedding with no concern for how they feel about it when they're now divorced is "a decision".

Your DP is being weak about that, too. It would be very easy for him to mention it to them, it wouldn't be at all strange for him to not like seeing those photos all the time himself. He wouldn't need to be confrontational, he could just mention it to them. The fact that he won't, and dismisses your feelings about it by saying "you can't erase the past" is very telling, and shows that he does not have much regard for your feelings in the situation or intentions to support you with them.

I would avoid the house due to all of the above.

SD1978 · 22/02/2023 09:12

Where do they get all the photos from? Do you give them photos regularly they could frame?

KindlyKanga · 22/02/2023 09:13

It took my inlaws ages to take the wedding photo down from their lounge! My DH asked them repeatedly from the time they split up. It was hurtful to him to keep it up for years. The group photos, not so much. But the wedding photo was too much. They eventually took it down but it has not been forgotten by DH how they didnt care how much she had hurt him.

KindlyKanga · 22/02/2023 09:13

And yes, send photos for them already printed. Or rather DH should.

vivainsomnia · 22/02/2023 09:17

So her pictures are upstairs, not downstairs where most people invited would be. You don't have to go upstairs to see it. As for them, it's just part of the decor, not something they look at everytime they go upstairs, it's just one of those things that's been there for ages and that's that, nothing more to it.

As for what to tell your son? Well what about the truth? There is nothing taboo about explaining that his dad was once married with his half siblings mum. He'll probably get to meet her face to face one day if he hasn't done so.

I think you are being too precious about it all. You don't want any evidence of his past, which is fair enough, but that doesn't mean his parents feel the same. They respected you by keeping them upstairs only.

aSofaNearYou · 22/02/2023 09:24

That's up to the parents. A lot is said about a SCs right to feel upset that at the thought of their parents being with someone else, you can't just then ignore the fact that a subsequent child might feel the same way. Especially when there are photos of that relationship (a wedding specifically) and none of their parents, making it seem like the primary, legitimate one to a child with black and white thinking.

And there's no guarantee they will ever meet, this is a hard boundary for many.

KindlyKanga · 22/02/2023 09:25

He'll probably get to meet her face to face one day if he hasn't done so. there is no way my DC is meeting the Ex. She can't even be bothered to meet me, why would I let her even speak to my child?

Birdsbirdsbirds · 22/02/2023 09:25

Indeed. My child will never, ever meet DHS ex. Literally over both of our dead bodies!

harriethoyle · 22/02/2023 09:32

I get it re the wedding photos OP - my DH asked his parents to take photos of his first wedding and first wife down once the dust had settled from their separation. They did, straightaway, and hadn't even thought it about it - I think they'd been up through habit rather than because they were mourning loss of first DIL! Your DH is being really pathetic and quite disrespectful to you. He should say something.

With other photos - we give them printed copies of photos we think they'd like. if we waited for them to print from an app, we'd wait for ever!! Why not do a group photo with you DH, and all your combined DC?

gertrudy · 22/02/2023 09:33

You're overreacting.

Laurdo · 22/02/2023 10:17

I don't think you're being oversensitive. I honestly dont know how other people can expect you to be fine about this.

No you can't erase the past but in the same respect life moves on. If you and DP were ever to get married would they just pop that photo up next to the other wedding photos? It's just weird. I'm sure your DP doesn't particularly want to see pictures of him and his ex everywhere either.

I don't think you can do much about it as it's up to them what they have up in their house but I would definitely find it weird and quite disrespectful.

I agree with the others about giving them some printed photos of your DS.

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