Really struggling with DP/DSC

[Amber0505]

Hi everyone,

This is my first ever time posting and I guess I’m just hoping that someone can tell me that the way I’m feeling is completely normal, or if not help me give my head a wobble so I can get on with it.

DP and I are getting married this year, he has a 4yo DS from a prior relationship that we have EOW and 2 nights per week. He is generally a lovely child but has his moments (as they all do) but I’m really struggling with feelings of being pushed out and feeling like I’m always going to be on the periphery.

I find that on our days with him mine and DP’s relationship can often feel strained. I always end up feeling like it’s me and them and will quite often end up retreating to our bedroom as I just feel that I may as well be on my own rather than sitting downstairs as a spare part. DP will often then accuse me of not doing enough or not being involved enough. When I then try and be more involved if there is any issue I feel like he immediately sides with DSS which makes me want to retreat even further. I get told that I’m cold or impatient but quite often I just feel like I’m on the edge. It’s either not enough or too much and it’s exhausting.

I’m getting to the point that I feel like all I’m good for is buying food, cooking and washing but then as soon as it comes to actual parenting I get shoved out. My opinions on things such as bed times, behaviour etc are just ignored.

Whenever the topic is brought up DP likes to remind me that ‘you signed up for this’ which just feels like a kick in the teeth quite honestly.

It’s tearing me up inside as so often I feel like I’m being alienated in my own home. I absolutely adore my partner and am terrified that our relationship is being negatively impacted by this.

Are there any books or resources available to help me be better? Am I in the wrong? I’m struggling.

Hmmm, for a start I wouldn’t be marrying anyone who’s so bloody nasty, demanding and critical. What’s to adore about his behaviour towards you?

I don’t think how he’s being is uncommon but that doesn’t mean it’s remotely acceptable and I certainly wouldn’t put up with it. For half the weekends a month he thinks he can make demands, expects you to be chief chef, maid and dogsbody but you don’t get a say in anything. How’s that become the way you live your lives?

Does he explicitly imply it’s your job to shop, cook and clean up for them or is it something you’ve willingly taken on? What’s he like on the weekends DSS isn’t with you?

There isn’t a book that’ll help you accept having a partner who’s a selfish prick. That’s a good thing. It’s not good enough, for you, for me, for anyone.

Thank you for your response!

I feel like I may have painted him in a worse light here. He is generally very loving and caring, but can be quite sharp particularly when the topic surrounds DSD.

His argument is that I alienate myself and that if I don’t cook or actively do things for DSD that I’m just being awkward and unfair towards him. For example I could do absolutely everything all day, play, cook, make snacks etc but then the minute DSD starts acting up and I try to correct it he immediately jumps to his defence and will tell me that I’m wrong in front of him which feels belittling.

I’ve taken on the responsibility of shopping/clothes etc as I have the higher salary and DP already pays CMS etc. Bills/mortgage etc are 50/50. When the topic comes up that I don’t involve myself enough and I say about how I contribute I.E making sure clothes are bought/ready, buying toys, favourite foods etc I’m told that I’m just making gestures rather than actually meaning them.

Major argument today as I was upset that as soon as I got up to leave the house and DP thought I was gone he went and brought DSD into our bed. He can’t seem to understand that I just want one room in the house to be my/our sanctuary as everywhere else is obviously shared which is fine.

Maybe I’m selfish on that matter, I don’t know - it’s just so hard. On weekends on our own all is fine, we prioritise our time together and are always grateful for it.

Why is this so hard!

You didn’t sign up to being made to feel like an outsider by your fiancé. He needs to put in the effort here.

Honestly, this is unlikely to improve. Because his attitude stinks.

It's become apparent that these things rarely change.
Dp won't admit he's wrong
Dss will enjoy his dads attention (rightly) but that will (rightly) make you feel excluded.

Dp enjoys your home help skills/sex/companionship etc
But it not interested in your parenting ideas.

All this will be made 💯 worse by the addition of a baby that you are allowed to parent (whilst he focuses on the dss)

Sorry / not sorry, I'm feeling negative tonight!

Stop compensating him for having to pay maintenance.

it really sounds like he’s doing the classic NR father looking for a nanny/housekeeper who will also pay the bills for him. And who he can scapegoat when he likes.

This. Don't marry him. And if you do, do not end up paying for his child. It's not your issue that he has less money because he pays maintenance. He sounds like he's looking for an unpaid housekeeper/childminder.

You're not painting him in a bad light. He's a terrible partner. You didn't sign up to be his housekeeper and finance his child without having any say in anything else. Honestly op, I wouldn't be marrying him. You absolutely need to be a team in this situation and I'm speaking from experience.

Congratulations on your new housekeeping job.
Take your hard earned cash and your self respect and ltb. It def won't get any better..

Don’t marry him.
Seriously, this is probably the best your relationship will ever be. Is that good enough for you? Forever?

How old are you? How long you been together? If your young with no ties you can easily find someone without any unnecessary dramas

Who owns the house you live in? I don't think you should get married to him. He wants a good roof for his child, he doesn't want to be financially inconvenienced by divorce, he wants a housekeeper/childminder and bangmaid.

You didn't sign up for this Op, he just thinks that if you're with him you've signed up to be the home help. It won't change so don't rush into marriage, give it time and see if he can change but I don't expect he will. Far too many men think any woman they get together with has signed up to do all the things they don't want to be responsible for.

It's ok to sign up to something then realise it's not for you and leave.

This is just going to get worse and once dad works out he can use this dynamic against you, it really will be two against one.

Your fiancé is gaslighting you. You are being taken advantage of financially and domestically. It would be a terrible idea to marry him and even worse idea to have a child with him.

He sounds very critical of you, possibly also controlling? You buy DSS's clothes and favourite foods but you're not doing it the right way, it's just 'gestures'???

OP you need to wake up and smell the coffee!

I been a step mum for nearly 20 years and there's no way I'd be having this.

You are being used as a house keeper, cash cow and bed mate but you actually have no input into your own home. Seriously, why would you adore someone who so obviously treats you with such contempt?

You are being groomed to put up and shut up. Be honest with yourself. You know it deep down, that's why you feel so shit.

Do not get married. Put everything in pause and think about what you want your life to look like into 10 years time, because if you don't get a grip it will look exactly the same as it does now.

Don't sleep walk along, take control and get yourself back on track.

Please don't waste your life on this man. Please don't be on the step parenting board in 6 months time still upset over the same issue of the way this man is treating you. You're being taken for a mug OP.

I’ve taken on the responsibility of shopping/clothes etc as I have the higher salary and DP already pays CMS etc. Bills/mortgage etc are 50/50. When the topic comes up that I don’t involve myself enough and I say about how I contribute I.E making sure clothes are bought/ready, buying toys, favourite foods etc I’m told that I’m just making gestures rather than actually meaning them.

But he should be paying the CMS.. he should be worse off financially for having a child. Most people are. And they have to sort out their shopping and clothes. He's using you.

I don't agree with you paying for more.
I don't agree with how you are being treated, as long as you aren't being rude to the child you should be able to relax in your own home.
You aren't there to fund/serve/entertain them. You matter.
Why are you providing so much for his child? And he's still not satisfied?!
I think marriage (and definitely more children) would be a mistake here.

Just wanted to add that I'm also a stepmum of 10 years. If I was treated the way you're being treated by your fiancé you wouldn't see me for dust. His expectations are not normal and it will only get worse.

Maybe I’m selfish on that matter, I don’t know - it’s just so hard. On weekends on our own all is fine, we prioritise our time together and are always grateful for it.

You are being thrown breadcrumbs OP. At best, you're a distraction when his child isn't around, so he'll keep you sweet and give you attention. When DSS is there, you're back to being put in your place. It's manipulative behaviour. Relationships should be consistent.

Children should be the priority, for sure but not used as a weapon to keep the other adult in line. This will only get worse as DSS gets older.

I'm sorry op I don't think this one has legs. What you describe is depressingly common but that doesn't mean it's ok or acceptable.

The taking DSC side whilst he's in the room is belittling. I know he may have many lovely qualities but he used a phrase that's tripped on this board so much it's scary. And imo the reason why people use it is either they have no idea what sp is actually like or they wish to silence the poster for raising any issues.
I'm hazarding a guess this is what your DP is doing.

When you legally tie the knot, I don't think its going to get better, and statically speaking (as in the case with abuse) it's likely to escalate after marriage and or baby.

If he's this unkind to you now in the "honeymoon phase" before getting married, it won't get better when your legally bound to him.

Don't marry him. Divorce is expensive and hard. Your more than a maid/housekeeper/nanny/scapegoat.

Just to be clear, if you marry him the stupidity of divorce law when you finally find your self esteem and decide that you did not sign up for this will decide he needs more of the assets than you (because he’s a lower earner and has a DD). If you own the house or provided the whole deposit, it will decide you make it a ‘family home’ and therefore he can leave with the equity you accrued before you even met him (I know this from personal experience).

There is NO financial benefit to you in marrying him. None. There’s plenty for him to gain though.

No one who actually loves you and is a good person chooses to alienate and exclude you in your own home @Amber0505.

Having a child is not an excuse for treating a partner like he’s treating you.

It will get worse after marriage. Then you’ll be ‘trapped’ and he can be even less nice to you.

OP, this is probably not what you were expecting as a response and you’re possibly feeling a bit defensive and upset by it.

What I’ll say is that I’ve been a step mum for many years, we’re married now and have DC together. Lots of the posters replying are also experienced step mums. That they’re all saying similar things is hopefully helpful, if painful, and validating of your concerns.

It isn’t always easy but there are major warning signs here that go well beyond normal blending hiccups and they should give you serious pause for thought.

If your best mate was telling you what you’ve shared here what would you say to her? If you had a daughter is this what you’d want for her?

Do you feel able to be this honest with your family or friends or do you know what they’d say so you put a brave face on and try and convince yourself and other people that it’s not that bad, he’s not that bad, it’s somehow your fault and if you just try harder he’ll be grateful and treat you better?

He has the kid 2 nights a week and EOW so he is only there for 6 days/nights out of 14. Are you actually being ‘pushed out’, can you give examples of what you mean by this? It’s a hard balance to strike for anyone but I feel like anyone who does it less than PERFECTLY gets accused of being either a shit dad or a shit partner. Can you stay at a friend or relative’s one night a week, so he can look after his son and you can leave them to it? To be fair you’re not a parent so any input you have on ‘parenting’ is going to come from an uninformed place.

It would be interesting if the sexes were reversed, any man seen to be giving his girlfriend ‘parenting advice’ about her child is called a controlling arsehole. And MN would describe your behaviour as ‘sulking upstairs when her child isn’t even there most of the time’.