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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Really struggling with DP/DSC

82 replies

Amber0505 · 12/02/2023 17:59

Hi everyone,

This is my first ever time posting and I guess I’m just hoping that someone can tell me that the way I’m feeling is completely normal, or if not help me give my head a wobble so I can get on with it.

DP and I are getting married this year, he has a 4yo DS from a prior relationship that we have EOW and 2 nights per week. He is generally a lovely child but has his moments (as they all do) but I’m really struggling with feelings of being pushed out and feeling like I’m always going to be on the periphery.

I find that on our days with him mine and DP’s relationship can often feel strained. I always end up feeling like it’s me and them and will quite often end up retreating to our bedroom as I just feel that I may as well be on my own rather than sitting downstairs as a spare part. DP will often then accuse me of not doing enough or not being involved enough. When I then try and be more involved if there is any issue I feel like he immediately sides with DSS which makes me want to retreat even further. I get told that I’m cold or impatient but quite often I just feel like I’m on the edge. It’s either not enough or too much and it’s exhausting.

I’m getting to the point that I feel like all I’m good for is buying food, cooking and washing but then as soon as it comes to actual parenting I get shoved out. My opinions on things such as bed times, behaviour etc are just ignored.

Whenever the topic is brought up DP likes to remind me that ‘you signed up for this’ which just feels like a kick in the teeth quite honestly.

It’s tearing me up inside as so often I feel like I’m being alienated in my own home. I absolutely adore my partner and am terrified that our relationship is being negatively impacted by this.

Are there any books or resources available to help me be better? Am I in the wrong? I’m struggling.

OP posts:
FfoxRedN · 18/02/2023 09:46

@Cuppasoupmonster you are entirely missing the point. I didn't ban DSD from the bed, very often they would both come in when younger when I was there. What I was saying was she would choose to wait until I was out of the way before coming in when I went to work. I would literally see her waiting for me to go. It was a feeling of separation from that moment that I was empathising with OP about. The older one didn't do it, so it was different behaviour 🤷🏼‍♀️

hourbyhour101 · 18/02/2023 11:50

@Cuppasoupmonster I don't want my Dd in my bed. Baring when she's sick because it's my bed and she has a perfectly good one.

This is personal preference and neither my preference or your preference on bed sharing is wrong or right. Weird that you would view this as jealous 😵‍💫 that feels like projection on your own part.

SpaceshiptoMars · 18/02/2023 14:56

It's boundaries, isn't it? Things can get a little confused when parents split up, and it's healthier to keep a line between child space and parental space. Children can and do get spousified.

Anyway, this would give many exes collywobbles, so self preservation and all that.

Scalottia · 19/02/2023 13:36

No way would I want my stepchild in my bed. I agree with @SpaceshiptoMars - boundaries are important from the start. The children get the whole house, they don't need our bedroom too.

OP - like a lot of PPs have said, run! Being a stepparent isn't easy - even with a great partner. When they are less than great, it is you that will be the most negatively affected. I am sorry that you are in this situation - it's never easy.

AgnesX · 19/02/2023 13:42

hryllilegur · 12/02/2023 18:20

Stop compensating him for having to pay maintenance.

it really sounds like he’s doing the classic NR father looking for a nanny/housekeeper who will also pay the bills for him. And who he can scapegoat when he likes.

I really wouldn't want to marry this man until he changes his attitude.

Not least, as above he's using you as an ATM - why should you be financially penalised for his past life as he treats you badly in this one.

ItchyBillco · 19/02/2023 14:03

Amber0505 · 12/02/2023 18:16

Thank you for your response!

I feel like I may have painted him in a worse light here. He is generally very loving and caring, but can be quite sharp particularly when the topic surrounds DSD.

His argument is that I alienate myself and that if I don’t cook or actively do things for DSD that I’m just being awkward and unfair towards him. For example I could do absolutely everything all day, play, cook, make snacks etc but then the minute DSD starts acting up and I try to correct it he immediately jumps to his defence and will tell me that I’m wrong in front of him which feels belittling.

I’ve taken on the responsibility of shopping/clothes etc as I have the higher salary and DP already pays CMS etc. Bills/mortgage etc are 50/50. When the topic comes up that I don’t involve myself enough and I say about how I contribute I.E making sure clothes are bought/ready, buying toys, favourite foods etc I’m told that I’m just making gestures rather than actually meaning them.

Major argument today as I was upset that as soon as I got up to leave the house and DP thought I was gone he went and brought DSD into our bed. He can’t seem to understand that I just want one room in the house to be my/our sanctuary as everywhere else is obviously shared which is fine.

Maybe I’m selfish on that matter, I don’t know - it’s just so hard. On weekends on our own all is fine, we prioritise our time together and are always grateful for it.

Why is this so hard!

I’m not sure how helpful you’ll find this but you will never be able to win with him, and I would absolutely not be marrying into this dynamic.

If you went on to have kids, you’d do everything for them and he’d contribute and do nothing, choosing instead to save his money and time for his son. It happens all the time on here and it’s awful.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 20/02/2023 12:46

Oh OP! This is all too common in stepfamilies - though it absolutely shouldn't be.

Read Stepmonster by Dr Wednesday Martin and have a listen to the Stepmum Space podcast.

Your needs matter in this family too.

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