Really struggling with DP/DSC

[Amber0505]

Hi everyone,

This is my first ever time posting and I guess I’m just hoping that someone can tell me that the way I’m feeling is completely normal, or if not help me give my head a wobble so I can get on with it.

DP and I are getting married this year, he has a 4yo DS from a prior relationship that we have EOW and 2 nights per week. He is generally a lovely child but has his moments (as they all do) but I’m really struggling with feelings of being pushed out and feeling like I’m always going to be on the periphery.

I find that on our days with him mine and DP’s relationship can often feel strained. I always end up feeling like it’s me and them and will quite often end up retreating to our bedroom as I just feel that I may as well be on my own rather than sitting downstairs as a spare part. DP will often then accuse me of not doing enough or not being involved enough. When I then try and be more involved if there is any issue I feel like he immediately sides with DSS which makes me want to retreat even further. I get told that I’m cold or impatient but quite often I just feel like I’m on the edge. It’s either not enough or too much and it’s exhausting.

I’m getting to the point that I feel like all I’m good for is buying food, cooking and washing but then as soon as it comes to actual parenting I get shoved out. My opinions on things such as bed times, behaviour etc are just ignored.

Whenever the topic is brought up DP likes to remind me that ‘you signed up for this’ which just feels like a kick in the teeth quite honestly.

It’s tearing me up inside as so often I feel like I’m being alienated in my own home. I absolutely adore my partner and am terrified that our relationship is being negatively impacted by this.

Are there any books or resources available to help me be better? Am I in the wrong? I’m struggling.

Some posts It’s tearing me up inside as so often I feel like I’m being alienated in my own home. and here is @Cuppasoupmonster to tell her she’s being unreasonable and to give the poor man a break.

This.

In your position I really would think again about this relationship - it is unlikely to improve unless you take a stand. He wants everything on his terms with minimal effort / parenting on his part.
I was in a similar situation to you. Told myself that it would get better. It didn’t. I wish I’d been stronger.
Theres some very wise posters on this board. I wish I’d had their advice years ago.

The details don't really matter, you aren't happy. Before you get married you should be in a great place, because life is hard, so if it's not right now, when will it be? This should be the fun bit.

Don't let yourself be cast as a supporting character in your own story.

I wouldn't be continuing this relationship.

Babes, this post could have been written by me a year ago. How long have you been with your partner? How long have you been living together?

I understand where all the “leave this man!” people are coming from, they’re just trying to protect you. But you know in your heart if your partner is a good man and a good match for you. If you know that to be the case then I’m hear to say IT DOES GET EASIER I PROMISE. I’ve been with my partner 3 years and living together one year. I would say it took 6 months to a year of living together to feel confident enough to start being authoritative about how I felt step son should be parented. I felt like I had more of a right when he was living in my house. Before we all lived together I was just a visitor in their home and it is SO difficult to know where the line is when it comes to parenting decisions.
I totally understand how you feel about being isolated too. I felt exactly the same; and still do sometimes.
Heres some things that have really helped me:

• every weekend step son is over I try to roughly plan in my mind when I will have time to myself, when partner will have time to himself, when I will have one on one time with step son and when partner will have one on one time with his son
• I listen to the Blended podcast by Kate Ferdinand
• I listen to any other podcasts I can find on step parenting!
• partner and I aim to have a “briefing” and “debriefing” before and after every single weekend we have step son over - this was recommended to us when we had couples therapy about a year ago when we were really struggling. We don’t always manage it but it really helped us get out of a sticky spot and we still try to continue the habit.
• I once heard (probably on Blended podcast) that it takes on average SEVEN YEARS for a blended family to “settle”. This sounds like a painfully long time but it gives me hope to know these painful struggles are temporary and that things will get better.

Hang in there girl. It’s not easy and sometimes I still want to scream and cry with frustration. But there are magical moments too and I feel so blessed to have this “ready made” family as I have no kids of my own. Also remember that not all problems are step-parent problems, sometimes they are just parent problems! I.e. you’re a parent now and it wouldn’t necessarily be easier if they were your joint biological child. Even “normal” parents have disagreements about how things should be done.

Allow yourself to feel like a god damn hero. Because not many people will say it or recognise it. But you are. Lots of love!

Addition/edit to first bullet point

• and when we will have time all together as a family!

@TayceOnToast they already live together, and OP is being made to feel like an imposter in her own home and that she has no say over parenting, but her fiancé is quick to take her financial support for his kid.

TayceOnToast did your partner make you feel the way the OPs does, to the point where you're hiding in the bedroom in pieces?

Did they belittle you in front of the child?

No offence, but listening to podcasts is not going to fix the problem if the foundations are rotten.

As previous posters said, right now should be the honeymoon period. It will get a whole lot harder once you introduce new children into the mix. 7 years is an arbitrary figure, being a step parent has constantly evolving challenges through each life stage of the child and even more so if new siblings are added.

I didn’t say that though did I? I asked for examples of what she means. i can’t decide until I hear them, why is that unreasonable?

@Amber0505

I see a man who wants to be Disney Dad at your expense. He doesn't want to have any inconvenient rules that might upset his little poppet. That would interfere with his plans to be favourite parent. How convenient it is for him to have you running around doing all the donkey work while he does all the fun stuff instead.

Belittling you in front of the child is an entire parade's worth of red flags. Not only is DP treating you with utter contempt, but his child is getting a high speed, intensive course in doing the same. Once this begins to happen, it's a 1 in 3 uphill struggle to reverse it.

As for the bills, DSC has their own room, and consumes food and energy - his father should contribute accordingly. You are not even married, but he pays his ex and not you???

(More) words fail me!

Stepmonster

As @BunintheSlowCooker recommended stepmonster is a fabulous book. It will help.

I feel like I may have bit a bit blunt and for that I'm really sorry (asd plus a baby that won't sleep makes me less better at wording things sensitively and I'm not known for it at the best of times)

Look this is definitely isn't want you wanted to hear and @AnneLovesGilbert is spot on.
If this was your daughter telling you absolutely her partner .. what would you say to her ?

We aren't doing it to be unkind, sm is a bloody hard task made better by a supportive DH. Without one it's like pushing shit up hill and even then.

It's hard super hard and I for one don't have all the answers. But I really think you need to think about this.

He's not kind to you. You deserve more than this ❤️

We aren't doing it to be unkind, sm is a bloody hard task made better by a supportive DH. Without one it's like pushing shit up hill.

Yes.

It’s SO easy to ignore the red flags, blame yourself and somehow take responsibility for his choices and feelings. It’s on X days a month… of course he puts his child first… you’d be selfish to expect anything …

Meanwhile, he’s taking advantage financially and practically and overtly teaching his child to treat you with contempt - and then telling you that you’re the problem for feeling alienated because you ‘signed up for this’.

No woman ever ‘signed up for’ that. Not intentionally.

I'm being uncharacteristically blunt here too. It comes from being a stepchild myself and seeing my Dad fully support DSM in her new role. I was 18 before I heard him voice the faintest disagreement with her in front of me. That is how it needs to be, or DSC will become expert at pitting you against each other.

It also comes from reading so, so many sad threads here by brave women being crushed by manipulative and exploitive NRPs. It becomes blindingly apparent why they are no longer with their children's mother...

It sounds like he’s happy for you to do the grunt work but isn’t letting you be a family whilst he belittles you and undermines you in front of his son. This won’t get better. It’ll get worse. I would strongly reconsider this relationship and especially marriage which will tie you to him.

You're partner is the problem

You didn't sign up to buy someone else's child clothes and shoes , that's his parent's job.
No way would I be marrying him.
You say you adore him ? He speaks to you like crap.

You didn’t sign up to be treated like you’re good enough for cooking and paying but not good enough to have an input. In my house I get a say on the rules. Otherwise he had better go live on his own where he can have it all his own way. Oh but then he wouldn’t have you paying his child’s bills. (I’d have ended that the second he called it a token gesture)
sit him down and tell him there’s something you need to talk about. I am not an object to be brought out and put back in its box. I get a say in rules and behaviour in my house and that includes with your child. You keep saying you signed up to this- I did not sign up to being treated like crap every second weekend. You signed up to living with me and to me that means you signed up to having some respect for my opinion, and giving me some respect in what’s my home too. You called my paying for lots for <child> and cooking a token gesture. Words can hurt and you need to think more clearly. As of today I’m paying no extra and I’m not cooking on your weekends with <child>. You need to think anout whether you want us to have a life together or whether you just liked having practical and financial support from me but don’t ever intend to let me have a say or to support me in my relationship with <child>. I’ll keep myself out of the way for a couple of your contact weekends while you think about it. If you decide we stay together, I need to be able to have a role and be treated with respect, which I’m not now. If child is rude to me I will tell them off and you should support that. Otherwise this is untenable.

Oh wow, don't get married. Get out now before you are tied down to this man!

I too am wondering how on earth you have ended up in a relationship where you're doing the all the shopping, cooking and washing. How was this managed before you moved in? Why isn't he doing it?

He's using you.

Imagine allowing you to pay for his sons clothes. Doesn't he have any pride or sense of duty himself?

He should pay CMS. People pay for their children. Children are expensive. You don't need to compensate for this.

He's critical and mean towards you. He's ungrateful for what you are doing.

I'd end it personally, I don't think it will improve.

You sound like a catch, get someone who deserves and appreciates you.

Don't marry him OP.
It will only get worse.
Read enough threads on here and you'll see.

He’s disrespectful to the point of apathy!
you are financially worse off for a kid who isn’t yours
your time at weekends is taken up on chores that allow DP to ‘relax’ with his kid & effectively to be his buddy rather than the drudgery of parenting
he doesn’t back you up in front of child & actively does the opposite
he teaches the kid that your rules don’t matter by bringing the kid into your bed when you’ve asked him not to (and what’s to stop the lazy bastard getting in his child’s bed if he wants a snuggle)
he’s undermining you in any way he can think of frankly, this isn’t how you treat a partner you love value & respect.
its normal to have teething problems early on with step families but you’d want to be on the same page before you agree to marry & it’s absolutely key that the parent should be setting the standard for how the kid treats you in the future, not belittling you. YOU SHOULD NOT BE FINANCIALLY EMOTIONALLY WORSE OFF because he has a child!

Let’s face it, you’re not married yet and already you’re spending every second bedroom feeling you have to make yourself into an invisible household servant (exactly, in a twist on the Victorian household, you also get to pay the bills).

You’re blaming yourself for not feeling positive about being criticised and treated that way and seeing it as your own character failing.

Your partner is openly telling you that this is all you deserve and nothing will improve. You ‘signed up for this’.

Indeed, he’s telling you that cooking, cleaning and paying for his child are not enough. It’s just ‘token gestures’ and you need to do better.

This is how half of all your weekend time off work (and I think we can assume
that you’re expected to use your AL to provide childcare and/or household services so your DP can treat you like this during holiday contact) is going to look. Plus the anxiety in the run up to it and around it. And possibly a whole heap
of guilt and nonsense if you dare to look forward to (indeed, live for) the non-contact weekends. Or if you want any AL
to be used for what you want to do.

If I were positing about this situation, what would you tell me to do

Of course you love him and think he’s wonderful. If you didn’t, there’s no way you’d have found yourself in this situation.

Every second weekend in the bedroom that should say.