Really struggling with DP/DSC

[Amber0505]

Hi everyone,

This is my first ever time posting and I guess I’m just hoping that someone can tell me that the way I’m feeling is completely normal, or if not help me give my head a wobble so I can get on with it.

DP and I are getting married this year, he has a 4yo DS from a prior relationship that we have EOW and 2 nights per week. He is generally a lovely child but has his moments (as they all do) but I’m really struggling with feelings of being pushed out and feeling like I’m always going to be on the periphery.

I find that on our days with him mine and DP’s relationship can often feel strained. I always end up feeling like it’s me and them and will quite often end up retreating to our bedroom as I just feel that I may as well be on my own rather than sitting downstairs as a spare part. DP will often then accuse me of not doing enough or not being involved enough. When I then try and be more involved if there is any issue I feel like he immediately sides with DSS which makes me want to retreat even further. I get told that I’m cold or impatient but quite often I just feel like I’m on the edge. It’s either not enough or too much and it’s exhausting.

I’m getting to the point that I feel like all I’m good for is buying food, cooking and washing but then as soon as it comes to actual parenting I get shoved out. My opinions on things such as bed times, behaviour etc are just ignored.

Whenever the topic is brought up DP likes to remind me that ‘you signed up for this’ which just feels like a kick in the teeth quite honestly.

It’s tearing me up inside as so often I feel like I’m being alienated in my own home. I absolutely adore my partner and am terrified that our relationship is being negatively impacted by this.

Are there any books or resources available to help me be better? Am I in the wrong? I’m struggling.

How would he cope without you? That's how you need to change the relationship so if you were to leave today he would be able to provide for his child. Such as his monetary contribution to the household needs adjusting, when his child is there HE should be cooking tea, if the child asks for a drink then HE needs to be the one to get it unless of course your already in the kitchen then of course you can get the child a drink, any mess the child makes HE needs to be tidying up after and himself, if he requires childcare HE needs to be sorting it and if you want to help then that's up to you.

On top of that when the child is in your home you need to work as a team and have equal input. Your partner needs to stop taking sides and be an adult like you, catering to the child all the time will not do any good as children need boundaries. When the child is upset, angry, good or a bit naughty in your home then you have the right to have your opinions heard just as you would if the child was yours because guess what no one is always right and two heads are better than one

If the sexes were reversed, what are the chances that a man would say they are doing all this while being treated like shit?
For example I could do absolutely everything all day, play, cook, make snacks etc but then the minute DSD starts acting up and I try to correct it he immediately jumps to his defence and will tell me that I’m wrong in front of him which feels belittling

It sounds complicated and you certainly shouldn't be over compensating financially, especially if it's not appreciated. Don't be the house keeper and the provider if you don't want to and it's not appreciated.

But, I love having my kids climb into bed with us in the morning or cosleeping when they're poorly. I wouldn't be tolerating that rule and it would probably cause resentment or issues to bleed through into other areas tbh.

You and your partner need to sit and talk about how you both feel, what isn't working and what you're going to do about it. Agree some ground rules that you can both stick to. If this doesn't work don't marry him.

I'm wondering what you think of yourself that you 'adore' this man who treats you like a maid, but you're paying for the privilege.

All of this.

If you marry / have children with him, you will spend decades regretting it.

But, I love having my kids climb into bed with us in the morning or cosleeping when they're poorly. I wouldn't be tolerating that rule and it would probably cause resentment or issues to bleed through into other areas tbh
I had the same issue with my then DP. I went to work at the weekend and DSD was straight in my bed. So not only was DH teaching her that I was the reason she couldn't sleep in with Daddy, I would come home to a bed which smelled of another woman (DSD rocked the cigarette covered with very strong scented laundry aroma back then). Horrible feeling.
I asked that DH went in to DSDs bed or cuddles on the sofa instead. I was already sharing so much of my life/time/home/money and its absolutely not too much to ask that my side of the bed was my very own.
Same goes for OP. My DH listened to me. Not sure OPs will.

@Yousee
I find it odd when dads/mums do this regularly esp with older children and your right it basically says ah the only reason your not in here is because of x. I hadn't even thought of it but your right.
But it seems to lean more dads doing this which imo is odd (but I do tend to miss certain social cues so maybe I'm missing something)

As mum baring when they are sick. I really don't want my children in my bed. As you said you have so very little things as your own that aren't touched, I think it's totally ok to say erm no. Not my bed. That's mine.

I feel v sorry for op actually. I fear she thinks she's painted her DH as a monster and he's not really like that but in essence so much of what she's said is so so common issues. That as another poster said bleeds out into other issues. Just because they are common doesn't mean it's ok 😭

I really dislike that he's gaslight her and guilted her into thinking it's all her fault.

Ps I'm glad your DP listened to you !

@hourbyhour101
DH spent years trying to get DSD to sleep alone, but her Mum was never on board (in fact tried to use the co sleeping as a reason DH could not move in with me 🙄) so he was back to square 1 and bad daddy every single time. He gave in eventually and she's finally reliably sleeping alone just before her 12th birthday.
Our DS has been in his own room since 6 months and only sleeps with me when ill. I don't want to share my bed with him either so totally "treating DSD as my own" on that score!

when you have a relationship with someone, it’s really important that you respect their wishes on who they want to share their bed with (even asynchronously).

It’s likely that another adult will not want to share their bed with your children. that’s not unreasonable of them in the least.

You can easily compromise by you sleeping in your child’s bed. And recognise that your partner is still compromising because presumably they live with you because they’d like to share a bed with you, and they’re recognising you have different priorities.

Having a child is not a license to totally disregard your partner’s needs. Even worse if you also guilt trip them for having needs that are inconvenient to you ok the basis that you have a child.

@Yousee I actually think sleeping with children or toddlers is my version of hell. On wheels. I get touched/climbed on/yelled at all day long. At night the darkness doesn't make this anymore appealing iMO

That said that maybe because I'm not NT and thankfully so is my DSD so it's both our versions of hell, thank Christ ! My friends all look at me like I have pissed on their Christmas dinner when I say I hate it 😵‍💫.

I just can't understand as a mum why anyone would encourage it. I'm glad your dsd has grown out of it !! Actually I can think of why it's encouraged by some, it's about control.

So I'm glad I'm not the only one. The joy when they go to their own room (my baby has recently done this) is unparalleled imo 😂

Ruuuuuuunnnnn for the hills!

I don’t mind sleeping with my toddler. I don’t generally do it unless there’s a problem but I’m fine with it. I don’t mind him climbing into my bed in the morning either. That’s fine. He’s my child.

I do not want to share a bed with someone else’s children. I don’t want them in my bed at all, under any circumstances. I don’t even want them in my bedroom.

Tbh, I wouldn’t want my toddler to be sleeping with any adult who isn’t his parent. Or getting into their bed at all. I’d imagine many parents wouldn’t want their children sharing a bed with the other parent’s new partner. Completely understandably.

This is one of the areas where the difference between MY child and NOT MY child really matter.

Well yes, before meeting DSD for the first time I had to take a lecture from her mum about how I wasn't to ever be in the same bed as her, and a number of other things I had no intention of ever getting involved in as it seemed like far too much work for a child who wasn't my own. It made her mum feel better to get it off her chest but she really needn't have worried, DH has always done the parenting grunt work for DSD and I've done the hair plaiting and the painting sessions 😁
OPs DP seems to be hell bent on crushing any joy out of her relationship with her DSC. Stupid man.

I’m getting to the point that I feel like all I’m good for is buying food, cooking and washing but then as soon as it comes to actual parenting I get shoved out. My opinions on things such as bed times, behaviour etc are just ignored.

Whenever the topic is brought up DP likes to remind me that ‘you signed up for this’ which just feels like a kick in the teeth quite honestly.

It’s tearing me up inside as so often I feel like I’m being alienated in my own home.

What advice would you give to a friend who told you she felt this way? I’d suggest she slams the brakes on the marriage plans and talks it through in detail with her partner.

Because it sounds like you are ready doing so much and trying hard, but this man is using you for your housekeeping, cooking and money.

If he doesn’t want any input into his parenting decisions, then he’s being ridiculous to demand you cook and engage in other ways.

Totally agree with PPs saying that this should be the fun, easy part of your relationship. Instead, you’re treated like an outsider and he shuts down any attempt to discuss things. Massive red flags, OP.

His child is 4 so you have at least another 18 years of this, probably more.

Sorry, he doesn’t sound like the loving partner you think he is. He sounds like user.

When the topic comes up that I don’t involve myself enough and I say about how I contribute I.E making sure clothes are bought/ready, buying toys, favourite foods etc I’m told that I’m just making gestures rather than actually meaning them.

Further evidence that he’s a selfish twat. Sorry OP, I know it’s hard to hear, but really? You deserve better.

“I’m told that I’m just making gestures rather than actually meaning them.”

LTB

this is so cruel!

I could have written this about my DH. Everyday we used to have his 2 DD's the youngest would scramble into my side of the bed as soon as I was up for work. It used to really grate on me too, I have no advice I'm afraid, just know you're not alone in feeling frustrated. Xx

Can you even imagine the AIBU if the sexes were reversed here? ‘DP doesn’t like me bringing my child into the bed when he isn’t even in it’. He would be accused of being a dominant control freak who clearly dislikes the OP’s child and she should LTB. Parents like cuddling their kids in bed, it’s normal - what do you want him to do, climb into their single one?! Ffs just find someone without kids if it’s an issue

@Cuppasoupmonster thanks for your insight. The roles aren't reversed. They are how I wrote them. I was more getting at the point of the timing, which made me feel segregated as she didn't get in whilst I was there, she would wait until I had left and so I was empathising with the OP about being the outsider. Go and crawl back under your bridge 🙄

Nah. There’s no difference between a stepdad doing it and a stepmum. The fact is you’re jealous of a little girl who was there before you and trying to cover it up with more complex psychological ‘reasons’.

@Cuppasoupmonster you don't live in my house so please don't tell me my own situation 😂. I was responding to OP and I don't need your input. 5 years on from stated situation we are still happily together, so alls well that ends well! Cheers!

Ah more of the tedious ‘if the sexes were reversed’ crap.

They're not. And, actually, most women would choose to respect their partner’s feelings about not having SC in their bed.

Actually, some people respect their partner’s feelings about not having even their shared children in their bed.

There’s no reason why a parent of either sex can’t just opt for getting into the children’s beds with them instead.

Doesn’t matter, this is an internet chat forum so you if respond then others will respond to you. It’s how this works. Glad it ended well despite the jealousy.

@hryllilegur nobody should be ‘banning’ their young step kids from cuddling their own parent in bed. If you only see your kids part time, then having a normal healthy relationship with them is more critical than ever. Cuddling kids in bed is what most parents do, and I don’t see why step kids should further miss out on a close or bonding experience that other children have because the step parent is bitter about it. It would be different if they were teens or wanting to sleep in the bed however. But this is just pathetic.

They can cuddle in the child's bed, on the sofa, can cuddle in every corner of every room in the damn house if they like. Nobody said otherwise. But if the step parent has asked for one little part of their world to be left just for them then that should be respected. They aren't the parent after all.

It is not ‘jealousy’ to want basic aspects of your own privacy to be respected - your bed being just for you and your partner, being able to shower alone, having a say over how, when and where people touch your body.

That’s not preventing SC from cuddling their parent. Or excluding them from family life. They can cuddle anywhere else they bloody like.

Or, are you implying that the many families who never allow their own children in the martial bed are somehow wrong and abusive? It’s not unusual for that to be the case in even otherwise very tactile families. Even with very young children.

A bed can be a very personal space for many people. That is completely normal. Being able to choose who you share that very personal space with is important. It’s a basic kind of boundary.

others might not feel the same or feel strongly. But it’s alarming if a partner refuses to respect someone’s feelings that their bed should be just for them.

There are also a lot of parents who would be unhappy with their child sharing a bed, even asynchronously, with their ex’s new partner. That’s perfectly reasonable too.

beds are intimate spaces for many, many people.