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Original poster

How do people manage moving the kids between houses with no car?

130 replies

selck · 05/02/2023 19:14

DSD6's mum doesn't drive, DP doesn't drive either.
We used to live a 10 minute walk away from eachother until she decided to move. Now DSD's school is three miles from our house and we have her 50% of the time.
It's always assumed that I will do the picking up and dropping off as I'm the driver.
Honestly, I'm a bit sick of it. Neither parent wants to sit on two buses with her, which I understand, but there must be some alternative to make things easier.
The new house and school are in a worse area so I'm not wanting to move closer as when I have children I would like them to grow up where we live currently.

How does everyone else manage?

OP posts:
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TooBigForMyBoots · 06/02/2023 01:52

Lots of parents round here use electric scooter/bikes. If that's unaffordable, your DP needs to get a proper seat fitted to his bike for DSD.

Nicecow · 06/02/2023 01:56

They both sound like useless parents to me, why do you have to be the chaffuer. I can see how this puts you in an awkward situation but I think they need to work this out themselves. I'd be feeling really pissed off and used

Yousee · 06/02/2023 04:04

bellswithwhistles · 05/02/2023 20:24

She's your child too - 3 miles? I just couldn't be getting bothered about 3 miles each way. Poor kid.

I would insist on your partner learning to drive though. I don't know how anyone copes without being able to drive in this day and age. Surely you feel like a taxi service just to him?!

Good news OP - she's your child too so you and her Dad can just gang up on the other mother and move her back to her old school!

Seriously though, I slowly ended up the taxi for DH and his ex pre my DC and pushing back on it has been painful. It's been a bit of a shock to everyones systems that Yousee is no longer automatically available to run around but I've got my own shit to do and kids to see to. Happily, DSDs "other mother" has now got herself a man who drives (DSDs "other dad"? I'll let DH know) so he's been roped in to share the load. Good luck to him unroping himself now that he's in.

sixfoot · 06/02/2023 04:24

I don’t understand why you didn’t say no at the start. Tell them no now - she’s not your child, they sort out out between them. Maybe give two weeks notice then do NOT budge.

StarsSand · 06/02/2023 05:18

I mean it makes sense for you to drive but I would tell DP that you see that as a significant contribution to the family and you expect him to do a significant chore in return, such as being responsible for dinner every night or doing all the laundry.

It makes no sense to stubbornly refuse given the circumstances.

Just make sure you're compensated for your time by him taking on more of the load in other ways.

Startwithamimosa · 06/02/2023 05:31

StarsSand · 06/02/2023 05:18

I mean it makes sense for you to drive but I would tell DP that you see that as a significant contribution to the family and you expect him to do a significant chore in return, such as being responsible for dinner every night or doing all the laundry.

It makes no sense to stubbornly refuse given the circumstances.

Just make sure you're compensated for your time by him taking on more of the load in other ways.

Ooh I like this 👌
Laundry is nothing though, definitely dinner every night. I think though given he has a child he really needs to start getting lessons, surely he can't expect you to drive him around forever

plumduck · 06/02/2023 05:48

I only do drop offs on the mornings we've got her, I don't go to mum's and pick up DSD. oh right. In that case it's your partner who needs to be getting on the bus or taxi

GrumpyPanda · 06/02/2023 06:02

Zola1 · 05/02/2023 20:10

I suppose it depends how long it takes to drive 3 miles where you are...my sister lives 2.6 miles from me and its a 7 minute drive, if I was available I wouldn't make a child sit on 2 buses for the sake of saving myself 14 minutes driving. If I wasn't available they'd need to sort it themselves.

Math genius. It's not done with 14 min though is it? There's time for the pick-up itself, and there's getting to and from the car. Say, conservatively, half an hour twice daily. So OP spending a good hour of her time each weekday as a consequence of decisions she's had no input in?

No. As others have said, there's bikes - for both parent and child or just parent with a child seat/cargo bike. And tbh, dad should have challenged the school move.

MeridianB · 06/02/2023 07:02

What did he say to that, OP?

todaystoday · 06/02/2023 07:35

Can’t your husband/the mum get one of these

How do people manage moving the kids between houses with no car?
How do people manage moving the kids between houses with no car?
Everydayitsgettingcloser · 06/02/2023 07:39

You could get something like this to help with cycling

www.balfesbikes.co.uk/accessories/tag-alongs-trailers/trail-angel-child-bike-tow-bar-in-red__17054

Or a cargo bike though those are expensive and probably not worth it for 3 mile trips

GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 06/02/2023 07:39

Why can't this selfish woman's new partner take his step daughter to school?

BrokenHill · 06/02/2023 07:47

I'm not seeing the problem with two buses.... I used to get two or three buses to and from school on my own at the age of 12 and I managed just fine.

Bigbadfish · 06/02/2023 08:30

You're planning on children with this man?

Why? Seriously what's attractive about his parenting?

Bepis · 06/02/2023 08:35

My DH has to get 2 buses to take his son to school. When it's a day where he takes him to school and picks him up, DH can be out of the house for 6 hours with travelling and waiting for buses etc.

I think both of them need to step up and use public transport if you are unable to do it.

Boooooot · 06/02/2023 08:48

I don’t really get the angst tbh. You’re part of the family and she loves 50/50 between you. It’s 3 miles away. Glad my husband isn’t this petty with my daughter.

Original poster
selck · 06/02/2023 08:51

StarsSand · 06/02/2023 05:18

I mean it makes sense for you to drive but I would tell DP that you see that as a significant contribution to the family and you expect him to do a significant chore in return, such as being responsible for dinner every night or doing all the laundry.

It makes no sense to stubbornly refuse given the circumstances.

Just make sure you're compensated for your time by him taking on more of the load in other ways.

I like the idea of him cooking every night! Not worth driving around all the time though..

@MeridianB he didn't look super enthused, but it's getting lighter and she can ride now. He's run out of excused.

@GrumpyPanda I get her out the door at 08:00 and manage to get home for 08:50. The traffic on the way back home is worse than on the way to school.

@GooseberryCinnamonYogurt DSD has mentioned that this new boyfriend often 'forgets' a car seat, and drives like a maniac. I'd rather she didn't get in the car with him.

OP posts:
Keepyourmummysboys · 06/02/2023 08:52

This is shitty of them. They don’t want to get on the bus? Tough shit. They need to start doing that.

Sleepless1096 · 06/02/2023 08:58

Willyoujustbequiet · 06/02/2023 01:29

You wouldn't get a court order to stop her moving 3 miles. She can reasonably argue she needs a bigger property for another child on the way but that Dad can drive and simply chooses not to.

He would be expected to step up and rightly so.

Show quote history

The court order would have been to block the school move, not the moving 3 miles.

SheilaFentiman · 06/02/2023 08:59

can he get therapy in respect of not wanting to drive? He has a child and you want a child. It is not fair for you to be the only driver forever more.

Original poster
selck · 06/02/2023 09:00

Boooooot · 06/02/2023 08:48

I don’t really get the angst tbh. You’re part of the family and she loves 50/50 between you. It’s 3 miles away. Glad my husband isn’t this petty with my daughter.

There is no angst, I'm just a bit tired after two years of DSD having another driver in her life that it's still always down to me. I think I'm entitled to feel like it's a bit tiring being expected to do all of the commuting her around because of other people's life choices.

And this is the thing, MN, mum and dad all make it very clear that I shouldn't overstep boundaries with a child who has a mum and dad already. But I'm still expected to be chauffeur without needing to be asked or really thanked. I'm not angry or shitty about it, I just think that there's another way.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 06/02/2023 09:00

I would say that even if DSD was still walking distance. Sooner or later she will want to go to brownie camp or dance class or whatever that is a drive away

Reugny · 06/02/2023 09:01

SheilaFentiman · 06/02/2023 08:59

can he get therapy in respect of not wanting to drive? He has a child and you want a child. It is not fair for you to be the only driver forever more.

There is nothing wrong with the OP being the only driver.

There is something wrong with his refusal to take his child to and pick her up from school himself by any means he has.

His child won't thank him in the future for getting her SM to do it and every task related to her welfare in his home.

Sleepless1096 · 06/02/2023 09:02

selck · 05/02/2023 21:57

They do have bikes, she's just learnt how to ride so a bit daunting for her to cycle all the way there with a time limit in the mornings.
I only do drop offs on the mornings we've got her, I don't go to mum's and pick up DSD.
He got a tagalong for his bike but they've not used it, I'll push them a bit to give it a go.

Thank you everyone for reading and the advice. I try not to rock the boat and accept I've got no choice where she gets sent to school, I did tell DP my point of view when I was told she was moving. I didn't think moving was in her best interests, but here we are.

I have also told DP that I resent doing all of the driving. But obviously, his priority is making sure DSD is happy and if that involves her preferring to get in the car with me he's going to want that. I will hold my hands up and admit that despite not enjoying doing it, I don't moan about it in front of DSD and that makes it easier for everyone to depend on me driving as the default solution.

It doesn't matter what his priorities are if they don't work for you... he's not the boss of you and you're not his paid employee.

GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 06/02/2023 09:05

You wrote this:

@GooseberryCinnamonYogurt DSD has mentioned that this new boyfriend often 'forgets' a car seat, and drives like a maniac. I'd rather she didn't get in the car with him.

Which makes me think you're just making excuses now.