Why should SD get more?

[ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott]

Here is the situation, I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and so does my DH, so there’s 4 kids between us but we have none together.

My DD is 12 and youngest SD is 13. They’ve asked if they can go into the town to get lunch and have a look around the shops. I gave them £10 each for lunch, however my SD is not happy because my DD has £20 she has saved from her pocket money / left over Christmas money which she wants to take with her to spend in the shops.

SD has spent all of her money so only has the £10 I have given her and thinks I should have given the entire £20 I had in my purse to her alone so they’d have the same amount of money.

I said no, I have given you equal amounts and what DD has saved in her piggy bank is nothing to do with either SD or me. I have treated them fairly and I don’t see how it’s fair that DD wouldn’t get her lunch bought as a treat by me also just because she’s not spent all of her pocket money yet.

I called DH who is at work today and explained the situation and he said he’ll give SD some money when he gets home. I then asked how much was he planning to give DD? He seemed confused but I pointed out that I’m always expected to share what I have equally between the kids and he isn’t doing the same.

And effectively my DD is being penalised for being sensible/ frugal with her money.

It’s funny isn’t it… things always have to be fair and equal as long as his kids end up with more.

I think I’ve been completely fair. I’ve given them exactly the same amount of “treat money”.

What do you guys think?

I think he should give his dc money and you should give yours money in future. You tried to do the right thing, but I agree that one can't be penalised for saving her own money.

Why did you need to phone him when hes working? Woman up!

I would have split the difference with the SD so she wouldn’t feel embarrassed.

You're being fair.

Yes if he gives SD money he needs to give DD the same. Or you take the 10 back you gave SD and say that her dad will sort her out. If he can’t see he’s being unfair then agree with PP that you fund your own children in future. I think you were really fair.

I didn’t call him specifically about that. I’m unwell and asked if he’d pick up some things for dinner.

You gave them the same amount.
That is fair.

@BlueKaftan so I should have given my own DD nothing and given the £20 to SD alone? Why?

@Alexandernevermind I will in future.
My DD also earns her pocket money through doing chores and helping out her nan etc. whilst SD is just given hers. That’s a different bugbear though.

You were being fair, sd sounds spoilt

@ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott

@Alexandernevermind I will in future.
My DD also earns her pocket money through doing chores and helping out her nan etc. whilst SD is just given hers. That’s a different bugbear though. you can't win with this, as a man he will say that it's natural that he puts the interests of his child before anyone else, but as a woman you have to be all nurturing to all people. At least your own dd will grow up with the right values.

You gave both the same - no issue. If she raises this with dh later then he can give her advice on saving money like your daughter.

The criteria for the pocket money in my head is up to the parents. Different families have different practices on aspects of parenting, however I think giving items should where possible be equal.

It's a tricky as her fair is informed by both parents so it is a fine balance in my opinion.

Of course he should give both girls money otherwise your dd is penalised for being sensible and his dd rewarded for spending all of hers.

@Marblessolveeverything I agree regarding the pocket money. I give my kids money for treats but most of their spending money is given because they do things around the house.

My DD will walk to the corner shop to get things we need, she unloads and reloads the dishwasher, brings the bins back on bin day, walks the dog if I’m going to be late coming back from work. Just small tasks but she does them graciously and without complaint so she gets pocket money.

@Mummyoflittledragon thank you.

It’s frustrating at times because we have it drilled into us that we must treat our SCs exactly the same as our bio kids and I really try to be fair. But it seems it only is expected one way.

My kids are stepchildren too but the cries of inequality only seem to matter in the direction of my DH’s children.

It's the difference between men and women as previous poster pointed out.

I think you were really fair. I think that your Dd shouldn't be penalised for saving her money.

Does he realise that giving DSD does actually unbalance the books ?

I dread to think what some kids are gonna be like when they are older. Your doing the right thing

You’re being more than fair. He’s not doing his DD any favours by behaving like this.

YANBU but maybe teach DD the value of discretion when it comes to things like this given her present family situation. I'm sure she wasn't waving her money in front of SD, but the issue might have been avoided if she'd tucked it quietly into her pocket without saying anything.

Though I'd definitely have a word with your OH and make it clear that the fairness is in your DD and SD being given equal amounts... it's absolute craziness to measure 'fairness' by what one child has in her pocket at that particular moment. That would give an incentive to spend as quickly as possible and then demand more, not save.

If he’s giving his DD money then he should give some to yours too; I would assume that DSD has spent all her money so basically would end up with more

If they were full siblings and one was frugal and one didn’t save, would your DH think it would be fair to give more money to the DC who doesn’t save?

I think I'd be telling your SD if she didn't like being given exactly the same as her step sister then she could just give you your £10 back and you'd not trry to give her money again. Shut that shit right down.
Though with your DHs attitude and pitiful critical thinking skills I'd say it's not the child's fault if she's been wired to think this way. He would annoy me more.
What happened? Did the girls still go off and enjoy their trip to town?

Embarrassed about what?

@Sleepless1096 my daughter wasn’t waving it around. My DD asked yesterday if she could go and meet her friends for lunch and shopping today and said she had £20 left. I said sure, no problem.

SD asked if she could go along and I gave them £10 each for food. That’s how SD knew DD had some money saved.

After giving them each £10 I heard SD say to my DD “Does your mum know you’ve got that other £20? Why has she only given me £10?”

She then bounded downstairs to moan that it was unfair that DD had £30 to spend whilst she only had £10, so I pointed out I’d given them exactly the same amount and what DD has in her piggy bank is none of her business.

They did go off to town and my DH dropped them there. I’m unsure if he gave SD any extra money because I wasn’t with them but I will be super pissed off if he’s given to one child and not the other.

Well next week end he needs to be off work and take his dc out while you take out yours.
He is being a dick.