Why should SD get more?

[ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott]

Here is the situation, I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and so does my DH, so there’s 4 kids between us but we have none together.

My DD is 12 and youngest SD is 13. They’ve asked if they can go into the town to get lunch and have a look around the shops. I gave them £10 each for lunch, however my SD is not happy because my DD has £20 she has saved from her pocket money / left over Christmas money which she wants to take with her to spend in the shops.

SD has spent all of her money so only has the £10 I have given her and thinks I should have given the entire £20 I had in my purse to her alone so they’d have the same amount of money.

I said no, I have given you equal amounts and what DD has saved in her piggy bank is nothing to do with either SD or me. I have treated them fairly and I don’t see how it’s fair that DD wouldn’t get her lunch bought as a treat by me also just because she’s not spent all of her pocket money yet.

I called DH who is at work today and explained the situation and he said he’ll give SD some money when he gets home. I then asked how much was he planning to give DD? He seemed confused but I pointed out that I’m always expected to share what I have equally between the kids and he isn’t doing the same.

And effectively my DD is being penalised for being sensible/ frugal with her money.

It’s funny isn’t it… things always have to be fair and equal as long as his kids end up with more.

I think I’ve been completely fair. I’ve given them exactly the same amount of “treat money”.

What do you guys think?

@Mari9999 out of unrest switch this around and DSD had saved money and Dd spent it.

Should Dd get extra money from dad ? If not why not

Because it's dad imo who has created this game whislt undoubtedly claiming how everything must be fair ?

Yes communication between spouses is a weird thing defo indication of failing family 🙄

Interest** ffs 🤦🏼‍♀️

No You fucking wouldn’t….you are just being argumentative ….and boring🥱🙄

I could never stay with someone who did this ( if he did) ….your child will grow up thinking she’s second best…..and ultimately that will be your fault…because you let him behave that way

I'd be saying yo DH if he gives SD extra money and not DD (is she shared DD?) then you'll do the same extra to DD to even it up

@kitcat15
If the OP 's daughter hears OP' s perspective she will grow up thinking that she is fiscally more responsible than her less frugal step sister. She won't feel second best if she feels anything it will be that she is better at money management. Nothing about this suggests that the OP's daughter is in a second best situation.

Nor is there anything about the father giving his daughter the money that suggests that he feels that she is somehow better than his step daughter. He may indeed do many nice things for his step daughter.

Both girls may end up with skewed or unhappy feelings but given the little information presented in the OP's postings that outcome maybe a self-fulfilling prophesy triggered by the OP's negative expectations.

Do you honestly believe that the OP's partner has never done anything nice or generous for the OP's child who may well be in the home when his own daughter is not there?

I don't really have any other thoughts on this subject.

@Mari9999 SD actually had several hundred pounds more for Christmas than my DD. My DD has only my family and DH’s (to a lesser extent) as her biological dad is not in her life, nor or any of his family.
SD is very fortunate to have my family, DH’s family (who give considerably more to their bio grandkids/nieces), mum’s family, and mum’s boyfriend’s family.

DD (and my DS) received around £100 in Christmas money compared to my 2 SDs who received approx £300-400 each.

Do you honestly believe that the OP's partner has never done anything nice or generous for the OP's child who may well be in the home when his own daughter is not there?

Honestly, no. I am fully financially responsible for my DD.

@Tiani4 no she is not a shared DD. I explained this in the original post.

🙄weird
OPs DD got 100 quid for Christmas.. ..DSD got 400 quid....I'm sure the DD already feels second best .....I have lots of thoughts on the matter.

Yes, definitely weird. I think it might be a poster previously known as Tattler.

Because her DD daved the money..... If its cash given in hand then it should be same amounts given to each.

Or do you differentiate between your own children's personalities..... One is a saver and goes out with £20+10 you've given and you automatically give the non saver £30..... Life lessons surely???

I would find out what SD has spent her pocket money/ Christmas money on recently and suggest OH buys those things for her to "make things fair". Maybe that way he will see how he is unbalanced the situation by giving SD more money.

I have 2 teen DDs close in age. One spends a lot more than the other. If she asks for a top up on what i would otherwise give , i would decide if i was happy to do that in light of intended use and if so i would give them both the top up not just the one with less money. Occasionally one gets something worth more than the other, e..g when they last got new bikes, one chose a more expensive bike than the other. I just paid for the bikes with no top up for the DD who chose the cheaper bike - she could have equally chosen the more expensive one but preferred the other.

With step children, i i guess it is never going to be completely equal as they have access to different sources of cash. So i guess you have to decide that either you will both treat them equally (recognising that this may still not be equal overall if one has another parent that gives them money and one does not) or both agree that you will only fund your own children. i think the former is better but i think it does depend on the wider picture and there are wider factors on what it fair. Here is it definitely not fair because you are giving them both the same but your DH is not.

Yes to this! You treat them fairly as long as the SC benefit out of the situation. If it's something negative it goes out the window so they don't miss out. That's what I've found anyway!
You totally had the right moral code and compass. Keep going, I know who's DD will have better values later on in life 😊, it's not his.

I’d be annoyed.

This boils down to values. People need to have shared values for a strong relationship.

Clearly he has plenty cash

How long will you let this go on for OP? What about when they teach UNI or start working? Problems are going to arise if this isn't dealt with.

Oh but none of that counts. SD is still the less fortunate child no matter what. Doesn’t matter that she gets money gifted to her from lots of different sources.