Why should SD get more?

[ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott]

Here is the situation, I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and so does my DH, so there’s 4 kids between us but we have none together.

My DD is 12 and youngest SD is 13. They’ve asked if they can go into the town to get lunch and have a look around the shops. I gave them £10 each for lunch, however my SD is not happy because my DD has £20 she has saved from her pocket money / left over Christmas money which she wants to take with her to spend in the shops.

SD has spent all of her money so only has the £10 I have given her and thinks I should have given the entire £20 I had in my purse to her alone so they’d have the same amount of money.

I said no, I have given you equal amounts and what DD has saved in her piggy bank is nothing to do with either SD or me. I have treated them fairly and I don’t see how it’s fair that DD wouldn’t get her lunch bought as a treat by me also just because she’s not spent all of her pocket money yet.

I called DH who is at work today and explained the situation and he said he’ll give SD some money when he gets home. I then asked how much was he planning to give DD? He seemed confused but I pointed out that I’m always expected to share what I have equally between the kids and he isn’t doing the same.

And effectively my DD is being penalised for being sensible/ frugal with her money.

It’s funny isn’t it… things always have to be fair and equal as long as his kids end up with more.

I think I’ve been completely fair. I’ve given them exactly the same amount of “treat money”.

What do you guys think?

Thanks for the words of support. I really do try to be fair to all the kids but I end up questioning myself sometimes because of the reactions from DH and my SDs.

I’m very concerned about my kids also getting less because I don’t want them to grow up and feel resentment or that I put my DH and his children first. It’s a fine balance

You’re right. It’s not clear if your DH completely understood, but if he did, he ain’t doing his DD any favours.

Your DH has shown his cards. Don't give a penny more to DSC. He clearly likes her more. Stupid dad guilt.

Both girls will walk out of the door with 10 each from you and 20 each from sources other than you. If her dad gives her 20 that is not you giving her 20 that is her dad giving her 20.

Both girls end up with 30 . How is your daughter in anyways penalized or damaged . She has 30 to spend , and your virtue remains in tsct.

Both girls are equally fortunate to have such generous people in their lives.

You can pat yourself on the back for doing all things equally. Your step daughter's father played the equalizer in this drama, and no one is damaged. The girls will go and have a good time.

If I were your husband, I would question your interrupting my work day to tell this to me. Surely this tale could have waited until he got home.

Well, use that as an argument. What did he give his dd? What did he give his sdd today?

OP is expected to treat them the same. Her DP should too. He gives DSD £20, he should give the OP DD £20 quid too. Just like he expects his DP to treat his DD fairly.

My DH tried this as xmas - wanted to give DSD some money. He hadn't mentioned DC so I said that's nice, let me have DC's and I'll put it in their savings account.

Yes! I think you should stop treating them the same now OP. If DSD is DP's favourite then I don't see why your own child shouldn't be your favourite.

Ask DP how much he gave his daughter. If it was more than £10 ask him tto reimburse you the £10 you gave her as he should be the one giving cash to his DD and he presumably took into account what you had given her already. (So if he gave her £20 to be quits with your DD tell him he needs to reimburse you £10 as otherwise he'd presumably have given her £30.) The give that £10 to your DD in front of him to compensate her for having to use her savings when his daughter didn't. See if he gets the point or not.

i understand where you are trying to come from but if mum is giving £10 to her daughter and £10 to her step daughter to treat them the same, shouldn’t dad give £20 to his daughter and £20 to his step daughter?

The issue is one of them have saved up money to spend and the other didn’t. If living together shouldn’t they both be treated the same when the mum/ step mum has treated them both the same? Shouldn’t the dad/ stepdad act in kind?

@Happiedays
I think that in terms of treating kids equally sometimes it means doing things exactly the same, and at other times it means equalizing things.

In this situation ,both girls probably went off happily to lunch and shopping. A parent or parents have had a pretty good day when they can send 2 happy children off to enjoy an activity together.

This happy event can be easily be spoiled by 2 parents arguing other the different but effective been solutions that resulted in 2 happy children who are unconcerned about the process that led to them having a pleasant outing.

Thoughtful people choose their battles with care. Not every different outlook on a situation need create conflict. I would imagine that in the course of this relationship the OP's husband has probably done something for her daughter that he has not done for his daughter.

When you start to keep a scoreboard, you are no longer in a relationship instead you are in a game.

Your approach was fair.
If the girls were sisters you wouldn't give one £10 and the other £30 to even up their spends. As the one who had saved money would be furious at the inequality.
If your DH decides to give his DD more, in a way that's up to him, especially if his money is seperate to yours.
But it doesn't feel fair to your DD.
Each parent should be able to give their own child extra if they want to, but your DH seems to have one rule for your kids and another for his which will cause resentment if he's not more careful..If this is a recurring theme I would seperate out your kids in terms of pocket money and you pay your kids and he pays his own. Or if you sub his DD he has to pay you back.

That's just ignoring the fact that the SD had already had that same £20 "from other sources", the only difference being that she had spent it already. So by "equalising" and giving her another £20 all you are doing is giving her more and more to keep up with her spending.
Which is the opposite of "equal" and really crap parenting, actually.

When my children spent different amounts with their Christmas money, (some more than others), I didn’t feel the need to give the ones who spent more money some extra money the next time they all started asking to spend their Christmas money. The ones who has less left to spend had less to spend.

And by that logic, OP’s sd has less to spend too.

Exactly this.

It’s also about natural consequences of saving and spending. If one child spends all her money and the other saves some, why should the spender be rewarded with more funds?

It’s very tricky but your actions were fair. What isn’t always fair is the opportunity one child might have to get money from their other parent or family at Christmas/birthday time to save. Whilst I don’t think you always need to treat children the same to be fair to them, I think you did the right thing.

We don't know if the SD received the same amount of gift money. We don't know if SD may have left any spending money that she might have at the home that her other parent may provide. We don't know if either girl lives full or a majority of the time with OP. We don't what the OPs partner may do or provide for her daughter when his daughter is not there.

These are all things that would impact the reasonableness of any action that the OP' s partner make have taken.

If you are going to keep a scoreboard, all of the actions and plays on the field have to be taken into consideration.

We know from OP that the girls are treated the same in OPs household so if one got £20 for Christmas then it's reasonable to assume the other also got £20.
Both were given £10 on this occasion.
The only checking of scoreboards is being done by the girl who thinks she can spend her money then just be handed more to match what her step sister has saved

Thing is if this was reversed DSC had saved and Dd hadn't.

No one would be talking about a scoreboard or mention what you have. That said all of that is in the op.

This wouldn't be such a bone of contention people fighting for equally so much in nuclear family, even though the situation would likely come up in nuclear families.

It's just people wouldn't look for any excuses to give one child more than another.

Christmas is a real example of this. People justifying it but only one way.

Btw I'm a adult step child and think this type of grasping (with the underlying message of DSC don't get as much so deserve more) makes me cringe. Personally. It also doesn't make relations between the children Brillant.

So your DD arranged to go off with her friends to spend their pocket money. Then was kind enough to invite her stepsister along.

The stepsister then complained that of them both been given £10 for lunch
and tried to get your DD’s lunch money.

And her father will have given her more money to reward this behaviour. You know he did.

Being a resident child in a stepfamily is utterly shit. And people still pretend the nonresident child is hard done by even when they’re objectively being prioritised over them. 😩

It’s not a scoreboard.

It‘s a stepmother giving two teenage girls £10 each. And then other people creating some weird scoreboard where the man’s daughter needs to be given extra.

Firstly I think you was fair. The issue will be getting it through to your DH that it was fair and how you need to be a team on this.
In my experience the best things that’s worked with DH when talking about DSD is telling him to reverse the situation and put himself in my shoes. Make sure you go though the steps tho or he’ll be happy to just say ‘yeah I get it’ and shrug it off.

He gave both girls £10, his daughter had saved up £20 and your DD didn’t. Your DD wasn’t happy with the deal and went to you for more money and you gave it knowing how it would made his daughter feel.

It seems over kill but it’s helped in situations in the past that I’ve dealt with. and maybe it’ll help him realise where you’re coming from better.

Ffs equality and equity are not the same thing. You can't just make children have the exact same amount of money at all times. you've said your dd's money was Christmas money left over, giving your SD more money would be like giving her a random bonus present. They did get the same, they both got Christmas presents. That one has already used her Christmas present and the other intends to use hers today is neither here nor there. My oldest child has £300 saved to buy something they've had their eye on for a while, my youngest dc would also like one but has a grand total of £12 in their bank account. Should I make them equal or tell them they need to save up? Should I also give 2 dc bonus money when 1 dc goes babysitting and earns some cash just to ensure they have equal spends?

Giving them each £10 was fine.

@hryllilegur
It was to OP who created the scoreboard by suggesting that there was an equity being created by he husband saying that would give his daughter 20 when he came home.

The OP chose to give both girls 10 and her story could have ended their. She acted in what she deemed to be for her a fair manner, and in fact that was fair.

But for the OP bringing this tale to the father , it would have ended with the OP's gifting both girl's with 10 the story might have ended there.But, the OP then object 's to the father saying that he would give his daughter 20
when he got home.

The OP raises it to scoreboard status when she contends that if he gives his daughter 20, he should give her daughter 20. Thus suggesting that the score would only be equal if he then gives her daughter 20.

This does not sound like family living; it sounds more like game playing in a ball park.

The SD created any scorecard when she decided that she should get both £10 to compensate her for her stepsister having pocket money.

The OP had a conversation with her husband (as you tend to do) and he decided he wanted to even up his DD’s scorecard by giving her £20.

but the OP is a stepmother. So she’s automatically in the wrong. And her SD is always going to be the ‘victim’. 🙄