DH children with no bedtime

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My DH children come over ever weekend one Sunday all day or Saturday from 4pm until Sunday 7pm. These weekends are turnabout. They are 10 and 7. We also have them during the week two nights but not overnight.
I find the full weekends very draining as we don't get a minute the whole weekend for some adult time. The DSC are only here one night a fortnight but I would like them to have a bedtime at 9pm at the latest. It's 7.30pm at their mums. DH says that it's just one night in a fortnight and I should lighten up, I do understand his thinking but sometimes they go to bed after us, 11pm and that means the TV is monopolised by children's films. Am I being unreasonable with this suggestion of a bedtime, I won't enforce it of course, it's not up to me but he seems to think I'm being ridiculous

@beachcitygirl my apologies. I don't need to check, as I don't care that much I was just confused.

Also why would sofa need to name change ? She's been around here for a long long time and always fairly consistent in what she says and fair.

And look I'm not into jumping on the bandwagon but I have seen you on multiple boards and it has to be said. No matter that the topic you always say something fairly harsh. In balance you are also consistently harsh but sometimes it feels like your being provocative for the sake of it. Which is fine but it kinda makes me not take you seriously (not that I think you care a ounce) but we are where we are.

@beachcitygirl

And just because I'm not a total nob and have seen your latest post

SEN children as amazing as they can be can be hard. Your most recent comment at least puts certain things on a different lens. I may not agree with most of what you put, but I have a better understanding.

Your doing a good job. I say this knowing exactly how hard it can be. It's a thankless task.

@hourbyhour101 I don't think you're a knob at all. Also clearly you're not a frequenter of the jigsaw, perfume, stately homes, gardening or many others threads I chat on regularly with never a cross word.
I have harsh views on people who do wrong by their kids & zero tolerance for absent fathers, Disney dads, nightmare ex wives or selfish step mums or those who blithely use the phrase "it's Like a bereavement"
I'll put my hand up to that.
All the best to you too. You're right it's a tough gig & because you've put it well & kindly, I'll think on the way i say it & I do care for your opinion. I care for everyone on here opinion barring one notable exception. X

Sounds like your DH has unrealistic expectations of what the relationship will be like between you all. He seems to think you’ll all be close and like a family together, whereas it sounds like you don’t feel this same way (correct me if I’m wrong).

I think it’s fine to do your own thing like you described above, so long as you’re not doing it passive aggressively or ignoring them completely. In fact I expect it’s nice for them to have time with just their dad. I’m sure the compromise of you doing y out own thing and the. Joining them for dinner would be a good balance.

is it possible he maybe he find it hard or boring with just the kids without another adult to help/talk to?

There really was no need to report that comment, there was nothing abusive in it 🙄

we don't get a minute the whole weekend for some adult time

This, pretty much, is an argument in favour of either not having DC or not getting together with someone who has relatively young children and whose parenting style differs from yours.

It's really not really reasonable to expect the visiting DC, in the two nights a month they are with their father, to fit around your desire for adult time.

Soz.

Your options are to stay and enjoy or clear off when they are around. Or ...

Hi lovely I slightly feel your pain however my stepson comes every other week and he does just take over everything but I don’t see it as a negative I see it as my child seeing her brother my partner spending time with his son and us being a family. He also doesn’t have a bed time and my partner also goes to sleep with him in a single bed rather than come to bed with me when he is there and although i miss him i know he’ll be back with me in two nights time and sometimes he’ll come into me in the mornings to get a cuddle.

you might want to organise more family times? Go do something fun? Get out. Look at them for what they are innocent children and right now as adults parents step parents and everything in between we are shaping their future and their mentality and thoughts and feelings with them so it’s best to be healthy.

i have insecurities with this situation sometimes and I feel as if im the spare part like they are a unit cause he does really well at co parenting with his ex and sometimes it gets too too close for comfort and too too much where I don’t feel respected in my place but I then realise they do it for their child and that’s what you’ve got to remember.

my partner over does it with his eldest and makes me and my daughter
to me ( she’s 1 so shell
soon be demanding attention) feel
invisible. I asked him why and he says he feels guilty that we get him all the time but the son doesn’t. So I I have to understand that and try and encourage more time as a 4

Your husband needs to spend more time with his children- full weekends from Friday evening to Monday morning on his eow. That way his time with them won't feel so pressured that they have to stay up late to have time together. The children would be able to have a proper bedtime routine too if they had 3 nights each time they stayed over.

I think firstly you should go and do what you want. Late bedtime is the usual at weekends here, it was the same growing up. Putting a change in now is going to cause issues.

I would caution you to consider shortly the eldest may be up as late if not later than you soon enough. So I would consider how you will manage that change.

@beachcitygirl sadly I do visit the SH post. Never post out of some fear I maybe seen and it kick off world war 4 (which the irony) is not lost on me.

I usually assume if someone's posting for help, that even if they might be unreasonable. They are posting because they care on some level and use that as a starting point.

Apologies for derailing thread ! Shall stop waffling now.

1 weekend every fortnight why not every week? I can't believe your moaning about adult time. Wait until there teenagers and stay up longer.

Op I don't think the bedtime actually is the problem. Although as a mum I'm horrified at the thought of my child staying up that late because she's evil without sleep.

I think the problem is your partner seems to want to control you and your actions and is using the kids as a emotional weapon to guilt you into compliance.

I think you wouldn't care to much if you weren't duty bound to stay in the room watching kids tv.

If he does this regularly, I suspect this isn't the only area in which he does this. Which really is the biggest problem here.

Just to say I appreciate this. I'm finding the fact that a poster can get another's comments, that were in no way more offensive than their own, deleted purely because they don't like being criticised by that person, really distasteful. How they can say "I find your style & manner on here horrific, targeted & deeply unpleasant", along with wild accusations of bullying, in response to me saying their manner on here is unpleasant, and only MY comments are deemed worthy of deletion, is beyond me. I don't know what @MNHQ are playing at but it makes me want to stop using the site, frankly, it's totally hypocritical.

Sorry for the derail OP and this is the last I shall say. Who knew that pointing out that you (and most others that post on here) don’t deserve to be called petulant and childish constituted bullying! Clearly people saying that deserve a free pass to be rude to people if they're having a hard time they've never previously mentioned!

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

Just to state the obvious, I am not beachcitygirl

@aSofaNearYou it feels to me like the 'bullying is the other way round. And the poster in question seems to repeatedly target SMs no matter what they're posting about.

Except they don't, usually. They go to their rooms and talk to friends or game, in my experience.

Manipulative bullshit.

Where is it written that you're a family of four? You're not.

I'm cynical of men who want to recreate the family unit dynamic with their new wife. I suspect it's more to do with ensuring they can keep shafting unpaid labour onto the nearest woman than anything to do with family harmony.

If he's so concerned about his children then he should spend more time with them during the day. Arrange activities not just plonk them on the sofa in front of the TV.

"The OP is all about how drained she feels having them around from 4pm to 7pm next day and how she can't watch what she wants on TV. "

This - sat 4pm until next day isnt a full weekend. What do you do that's draining other than have to watch kids films ? I assume you don't have your own kids or are you planning to?

Kids that age should not be up alone after you have gone to bed?! Could start a fire or something. Wtf?!

It can be hard for the kids to sleep if it's out of their normal routine. We would be the same as adults staying somewhere that isn't your own bed.

Zombie!

Zombie!

Thread.

Thanks 🤦‍♀️

I’d have a serious think if you’re planning children and a future with this guy. He’s a piss-poor parent: yes to a later bedtime and a nod to the fact they see less of each other. 100% NO to him going to bed himself and leaving a 10 and SEVEN year old to put themselves to bed! That’s awful, totally irresponsible and could even be dangerous. Hard no from me to any child of that age being left absolutely unattended late at night with all adults asleep. This guy can shut the fuck up with his ‘damaging them’ crap - he’s the one caring for them extremely poorly here.

Secondly, he does not get to dictate what you do and how you are with them. He certainly doesn’t get to decide boundaries that’s you’re unhappy with then also declare that you have to immerse yourself in them. I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that if he wants to see you as a core part of the weekends, then you’ll have input into how they run. Otherwise, you’ll stay completely single agents on this front and you will make it clear to the kids that while you like them, their weekends are with their Dad.

But one thing I wouldn’t accept AT ALL is that a seven year old is left awake to put themselves to bed (or more likely, fall asleep through exhaustion mid-unsuitable-YouTube scroll) in your home. That stops now and you tell him that it’s dangerous and shit poor parenting!

Oh! Oh well hopefully the shit dad has been sealed inside an iron ball and fired at the sun by now.