DH children with no bedtime

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My DH children come over ever weekend one Sunday all day or Saturday from 4pm until Sunday 7pm. These weekends are turnabout. They are 10 and 7. We also have them during the week two nights but not overnight.
I find the full weekends very draining as we don't get a minute the whole weekend for some adult time. The DSC are only here one night a fortnight but I would like them to have a bedtime at 9pm at the latest. It's 7.30pm at their mums. DH says that it's just one night in a fortnight and I should lighten up, I do understand his thinking but sometimes they go to bed after us, 11pm and that means the TV is monopolised by children's films. Am I being unreasonable with this suggestion of a bedtime, I won't enforce it of course, it's not up to me but he seems to think I'm being ridiculous

I find the full weekends very draining

Why get with a man who has children if you cannot cope with one night every fortnight?

Imagine how their mum feels.

I really don't understand why people so this

Ok I laughed a little at the idea of one night a fortnight being 'very draining'.

That said, they should stay on the same sleep routine as at their mums. I bet she's absolutely sick of him being Disney dad and then sending two tired and ratty children back to her to try and get them back into their routine for the week.

Why does he have them so little?

If you think he's a crap Dad, make sure your contraceptives reflect that.

You don't have them a full weekend though do you? A full weekend is Friday to Monday. You have them just over 24 hours. How on earth can that be draining?

Yes it's rubbish he lets them stay up so late but it's less than 29 nights per year. It won't do a lot of damage.

Go out with mates, you're not a child, he cannot dictate what you do. Or if you're desperate to watch what you want on TV, get one in your room.

She doesn't have to imagine that.
It's really not her problem.
What is her problem though is resenting the kids a bit and a Disney dad partner.

Your DH is trying to be ‘cool’ by letting them stay up so late. It’s totally unnecessary.

Presumably DH also likes them sleeping in a bit later the next morning so he doesn’t have to get up?

And saying you have to sit in the room with them in case you look like you have something better to do is plain nuts.

If he refuses to have a proper bedtime routine then I’d be doing my own thing.

This isn’t going to get easier…..

A full weekend? You have them for 27 hours every other week.

If this is genuine and not a reverse what were you actually expecting with a partner who is already a parent?

Though if you want go out sometimes or watch TV in bed, I don't you have to be with them every single moment, if he has a problem then I don't get even more why you are with him

It’s not a full weekend lovey, it’s 27 hours in 14 days. It’s really not a lot

Poor kids are fucked when they go home

Is it to look like you aren't avoiding them, or to help him parent on the mere 27 hours a fortnight he needs to do it?

That's a bit pathetic IMO.

Also why are they just shoved in front of the TV each time? Why doesn't he do something with them?

How much meaningful time does he actually spend with them?

So how much does your DH do generally and when they are there. Who does all the prep, meal cooking, days out?

Sounds as though the best thing would be for him to be on their own fir him. Why doubt you take yourself off to bed with your iPad or go out.

I felt this weekend I distanced myself for my own sanity, I had a long bath and did a few things upstairs, when I came down they were all three snuggled up on the sofa so I said I was taking the dog out, I did the kitchen after that and then I was ready for an early bed. He said later that the children will notice the distance I'm creating and it will effect them negatively

I had this with my DH when DSD was younger, though it was often midnight before she was going to bed!
In the end we agreed on a more suitable bedtime. She is usually allowed iPad/Switch/TV for an hour when she first goes to bed.

As much as having your evening dominated by kids Tv/activities can be frustrating, if your DP is only having them overnight once a fortnight he’s not going to want to put them in bed early. So it’s probably fair to suggest 9:00pm bedtime but with Tv or iPad for 30 minutes after that so he feels less bad about doing it.

Word of warning, this is just the tip of the iceberg for Disney dads

Seriously OP, I doubt the kids will give a shit. No offence. But they come to see their dad. I know for a fact that my SS loves it when I make myself scarce as he gets his dad to himself. Your husband is totally over compensating. Classic divorce guilt.

Not necessarily.

They're old enough just use your words.

'I know you must miss your dad during the week, so I'm going to give you three some time to catch up. I'll be back later to catch the end of the movie' or whatever.

They're not there to see you.

Your DP is trying to mould you into being a second parent. Whether he realises it or not.
It's to recreate the image of family and someone to dump tricky bits of childcare on.
The kids will not have noticed or been offended by you being busy with other things - this is normal family life - if anything they probably like the time with their Dad.
Stay firm and don't be bulldozed by your DP. Carve out your own relationship with the kids. A SM should be kind and welcoming but you're not their Mum - they have one already, your job is supporting your partner in his parenting. I suspect your DP hasn't read that memo.
I have been SM for 20 years to my DH's kids. This has always been my philosophy - I often did my own thing and have always been a consistent and caring presence but all decisions and childcare were their parents jobs, not mine. I didn't do school runs or holiday care, I didn't do babysitting. Of course I would in an emergency, but it was never expected. I get on well with the kids Mum, but don't have her mobile phone number and we never spoke about arrangements. I have a good relationship with the kids (now adults).
What they remember of childhood I hope is that their parents didn't argue, transition between their homes was smooth and there was never silliness around clothes in the wrong place etc, everyone worked together. They have no recollection of me not being there 100% of the time they were at their Dads because they were there to see Dad, not me. We have a genuinely harmonious blended family. I know some people have different set ups and whatever works for you is fine. I am very fond of my SS and SD and I think they would say the same about me.

Your DH is coming across as a piss poor parent and partner.
Who the hell just lets their 7 and 10 year old stay up as long as they like every weekend? Once in a while for a special occasion is fine. If he goes to bed and just leaves them to it, it feels like he wants to send them home grumpy and exhausted to make things difficult for his ex. Nice.

Your Sundays with the kids would also be a lot nicer if they had a normal bedtime. And as others have said, this is going to be a nightmare situation when they get older.

Given he only has a very limited amount of time with his children, I think it’s fine for you to do your own thing while they get to enjoy time with him. I think you’d find them a lot less draining if he did sone actual parenting though.

YABU to be annoyed about not choosing tv twice a month. Your H IBU letting small children stay up after he goes to bed.

Yes it will do a lot of damage.

There poor mother probably has to deal with them being sleep deprived for the beginning of the next week. It will also impact on their ability to learn at school.

Well, it kind of is, he's playing the Disney Dad role here...
Stay up as late as you like, I'm the fun, cool dad!!

I'll bet the kids "rule the roost" with Dad...

Are you planning to have children with him? If you are, he'll be just the same with your children.

As for his own - I think it's neglectful to not let children have plenty of sleep. You say they go to bed at 7.30 at their mum's - he should stick with what happens there or let them stay up half an hour later, maybe, but stick to similar rules. That's their routine and they clearly need it.

Imagine what he's going to be like when they are teenagers - if you don't like it now you'll hate it then.

Nope. Won't affect them at all, they were clearly very happy being with just their dad!

So give him the option. Either kids are in bed for 8/9/whatever is reasonable or you're out doing your own thing. It's not unreasonable to not want to be there for that or the fallout the next day when they're sleep deprived and horrible.

This. Your partner doesn't get to refuse to compromise then insist you stay.

FWIW I think that's a ridiculous bedtime for their ages.

Staying up on a weekend as a treat to watch a movie is normal- we have a dd10 and do this. I wouldn't let her stay up later than me and her dad- she wouldn't want to anyway. If you want to go out you should go out. What's the difference in going out or pottering around the house not spending time with them anyway.

I do think overall you need to put things in perspective. You got with someone who had children. He hardly has them (one night a fortnight)- I have my nieces for sleepovers more than that so you should make an effort. If you find this set up draining then I'd advise having any children of your own.